Should I have a baby if I can't afford it?

[Yellowhearts]

Hi. This is my first time posting here and I really need some advice.
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. I would really lime to have a baby soon (30) and my boyfriend would like to have a baby but he is worried about our finances. I lost my job over a year ago and my boyfriend earns £22k a year. All of his pay girls to our mortgage and household bills. He has no money to save at the end of each month so we don't have any savings to fall back on. He already opted out of his pension to help cover the bills so that's not an option either. We are very careful with what we have and don't go on holiday, eat out etc. I have my own credit card debts which he and family help with. I know it might sound selfish but I really want a baby. I know it sounds bad but I don't know if I could stay with my boyfriend if he didn't want us to start trying soon. I love my boyfriend but I really want to be a mum - it means so much to me! It's something I've always wanted.
Should I try and get my boyfriend to see that we could afford it? I don't want him to think I'm putting pressure on him to find money for a baby but I desperately want to be a mother. Ideally I would like to stay at home until our child(ren) are in school. What should I do? I'm really confused.

Why haven't you had a job in a year? Couldn't you have don't temping/agency work, or worked in a supermarket or something?

You sound too immature and selfish to have a baby.

You lost your job over a year ago, if Tilly's found another at the time you'd probably have been in a good position by now but you should now probably consider getting work, lying off some debts and revisit the idea this time next year

Just think about what you're expecting of your partner in this scenario, continue to financially carry you, a child, and you want that to continue until your children go to school, so potentially the next, 8-10 years depending on how many you have. It's so unfair, the poor man is not just a meal ticket. If you don't love him enough to want him through think and thin, and will leave him of he doesn't want to try soon( dispicable ultimatum) then he's better off alone I'd say. The broodiness is relatable, but it doesn't excuse an entitled attitude or immature approach to how you want to become a parent. Get a job, be responsible for your own debt and come to terms with the fact that, you can't always get your own way and other peoples expense.

*you'd - no idea where Tilly's came from

Give your head a wobble OP and stop being so selfish.

Newborns and babies aren't that expensive compared to school age children, what will you do then? Ask family to pay for uniforms, clubs, food etc.

Your OH sounds very sensible. You on the other hand...

I totally get really, really wanting a baby, but you can't have a baby if you can't afford one. You have time on your side. How, at the moment, are you going to be able to buy nappies?

And what have you been doing for the past year? There have been plenty of jobs around until recently for people who really wanted to work.

Short answer - no.

Longer answer - get a job, pay off your debt, then save (including both of you paying into pensions). Go on the money saving expert website for advice.

When you are in a more stable position, which might not even take that long, consider becoming parents.

Remember:
Do not underestimate how much a baby could cost you if things start to go wrong.
This is really sound advice. Nobody wants to think about a worst case scenario but you need to be responsible and not just wing it.

Yabu why have you not had a job?
Your partner is supporting and paying for a house whilst you’ve had no job, but now you want to add a kid to it, whilst still relying simply on your partner? That is so selfish to him!
Get a job, clear some debts and save some money yourself.

I think we should get off this thread. We’ve all clearly made our point and I hope she gets it .

I waited until both my husband and I were in a good place financially before having kids, even though I wanted kids before that .

I was 34 when I had my first and I’ll be 36 when I have my second later this year . I’m a happier mama now because of that .

Honestly , just wait . Get a job and save!! Pay off debt !! Having a baby is expensive and even though I can live off my husbands salary, I still went out there and got a career . I love working, I love contributing to our family and I like having a savings account . I love that I can afford for my baby to do swimming lessons and baby dance classes. I love that I can meet other mums for wine ! I love that my husband and I don’t have to fight over money.

Wait !!!

Once this pandemic is over with OP, you should be able to get a job and once you're secure in that job for 6 months to a year, you can try to conceive then? It means you can save and also get maternity pay.

You're dream of being a mum isn't too far away. I would say getting a job is goal number one, saving some money to back you up is goal number two then having a baby is goal number three.

You need to worry about the pressure you would put on your partner to have a baby now with no disposable income. It's hard work having a baby but it's even harder to go out and work all day and not have any money to buy what the baby needs. Listen to him. He wants a baby too but he probably hasn't quite built the courage to say it will only happen once you get a job

Financial security is hugely important when starting a family but emotional security is also equally important, saying you don't know if you could stay with him if he doesn't want a baby really isn't a great sign when it sounds like you haven't even discussed the idea with him yet. Sit down, figure out what you both want and then work out a plan to get there.

I know it sounds bad but I don't know if I could stay with my boyfriend if he didn't want us to start trying soon

The relationship doesn't sound stable enough to cope with a child. Babies and toddlers are hard work and can put a lot of strain on the strongest of relationships.

The alternative is to knowingly go into this as a single parent. That will take planning, lots of support, a cash cushion and reliable income. I'd focus on achieving all of that before trying to conceive.

I don't think the OP will be back, but in case you do, the answer to your 'what should I do' question is get a job, cut up your credit card and sort out your finances. Contribute financially to your life. Don't be a freeloader.

To be honest, you just sound like to want your boyfriend to keep you and any future children. Don't wait until after the pandemic - see what jobs are available now. Last week all the supermarkets were desperate for staff - start there?

And your bf should rejoin his pension scheme. Not sacrifice free contributions from his employer to help with his retirement in order to support you now.

Well, your first problem is in the first line of the post,
“My boyfriend”, get married first, protect yourself legally, yes i know he earns every little now but things might change.

I would consider getting work for at least a few months to entitle you to maternity pay and figure out a plan for if debts are manageable on that.
It would have taken us 2 years to clear both our loans we have but we can afford to make the payments comfortably whilst I m on mat leave . we have an emergency fund and income insurance so I would say it's circumstantial whether you absolutely have to be debt free prior to TTC, certainly get the credit card cleared if there's interest on it.

Absolutely not. Having children is bloody hard, even without money worries!

i suspect OP isn't coming back, but just to add my 2pennies worth - i angsted over whether we could afford a baby for so long and we are very lucky in that we have a good income (though obviously our outgoings are commensurate with that). we focused first on paying off our debts and saving for a house deposit, once that was done it was on my OH learning to drive and get a car and rebuilding up some savings. We spent 3 years or so in this endeavour, and we finally decided we were in a stable enough place to start trying last October, only to discover we were having twins!

We've had to get a bigger car which cost us a huge chunk of baby savings to pay off the negative equity on the previous one, twin prams [even secondhand] are frightfully expensive, two car seats, potentially two lots of formula if i struggle to breasfteed, two lots of childcare when we go back to work etc etc - suddenly all the work we had put in to make sure we'd be comfortable with one baby has gone out the window and instead we will be 'managing' with two.

So just to say that even if you think you can manage on what you have, life has a really tricksy way of throwing curveballs at you. Yes, of course people manage everyday raising children with little money - but if you can make that conscious choice, why wouldn't you want to do your absolute best to provide for your baby? I'm 32 in May, due in July - at 30 there's still plenty of time for you to get your finances in order before you get pregnant and raise a child.

Thank you for your replies but I think I need to clarify a few things. I have been looking for work over the last year and I've lost count of how many I have applied for. It's just so hard to get one. I do care about my boyfriend and I do appreciate what he does to support us. I do feel bad when he has to use his overdraft to help me with my monthly credit card repayment ( I owe just under 6,000). He doesn't do it every month and I know he has nothing left over after covering our bills at the moment. I really do appreciate everything he and my family do to help me.

My family are really supportive of me having a baby but his family aren't as supportive. I do want us to get married and we were engaged once but I broke it off in anger. It took us time to get back on track but we did and I feel really close to him.

I know babies are expensive but I know people with less income than us and we manage. Our biggest expense is our mortgage. I don't use a credit card anymore and my boyfriend has never used one and has no debt other than our mortgage. I don't think we're in that bad a position as everyone makes out. There is never a perfect time to have a baby and loss of people manage, even people with low incomes or rely on benefits through no fault of their own. I don't understand why people here think I am a sponge! True my boyfriend and family help me sometimes but I don't claim benefits and I always worked before last year. I don't mind what work I do. I would like to have a job where my weekends are free to spend quality time with my family but I understand I need to work. I just really want a child of my own. I can't help how I feel! It's something I've always wanted and I know I'd be a great mum. Isn't it normal to want to be a mum? I want it more than anything.

My boyfriend is worried about the ongoing costs of raising a baby when we don't have anything left after paying the bills but I do think we can manage if we really want it. Sometimes I think he just doesn't want a baby but he says he does but when we can afford it. I feel like my biological clock is ticking and I am running out of time to be a mum.
I know people have said we should be married first and we do want to get married. I have suggested to him that we can use the money he will get in a year or so from an investment his parents set up for him (10,000) to pay for a wedding and some essentials for the baby.
I know I must sound selfish but I honestly do love my boyfriend and I think we'd be a really good family. I do appreciate everything everyone has done for me. I just want to be a mother so much! I can't help it.

Unemployed and unmarried. Please don’t have a baby now. You are more vulnerable than you realise.

So if he doesn’t agree will you leave him? Who’s going to pay for your lifestyle then?

You can want anything you like but it doesn’t mean you have a right to get it. You’re asking far too much of him.

It’s concerning that for an entire year, with presumably 12+ years of work experience you haven’t found a job. Why do you think that is?

You’re not listening to the advice people are giving you. Broodiness won’t feed or clothe your child. And that’s what you’ll get, a child, then a teenager. They don’t stay tiny, immobile and docile for long.

I hope he’s using condoms religiously.

If I were you I would
A) wait until the Coronavirus vaccine has been introduced and we know the extent of the devastation recent events have caused our economy, and whether it impacts on your boyfriend and your mortgage. Healthcare provision including maternity care are being affected. What happens if you, your boyfriend or baby get sick (for whatever reason)?
B) find a job and pay off my debt and show your boyfriends family you are not a sponge hoping to get pregnant and looking for the easy life.
C) build up a buffer of savings, to pay for the costs your baby/child is going to need over the next 18 years. And also to help in a crisis.
D) get married even if a cheap registry office affair.

You need to think beyond being pregnant and holding a baby in your arms, they soon grew and costs spiral. Do you want your child to eat well as they grow up? Have holidays, nice toys, days out, new shoes and clothes or do you want to clad them in second hand clothes until they are 18?

If you aren't claiming benefits or working how do you pay off your debts each month? Are you applying for any job? I work in a supermarket and the benefits are fantastic, especially as a parent, great hours, discount, maternity pay etc. Are you trained at anything specific?

Please do not suggest to him that his 10k gets spent on a wedding and baby. That's his money and he shouldn't feel obliged to pay for these things. It could cause resentment. Debts paid and essentials are far more important

My family are really supportive of me having a baby but his family aren't as supportive. I do want us to get married and we were engaged once but I broke it off in anger. It took us time to get back on track but we did and I feel really close to him.

I can't imagine why? His girlfriend is a total sponge and layabout who wants to couch at home churning out babies whilst he grafts away trying to keep the wolf from the door. Being a SAHP when you're unmarried is also beyond foolish. You just want to take, take, take - suggesting he use a load of money to spunk on a wedding, get him in debt to pay off yours. I hope he wises up about you or it's a wind up. I can only imagine what the response would be if a woman posted about a similar boyfriend, people would tell her unequivocally he was a loser cocklodger, to use bulletproof contraception and to get rid of him pronto.