Should I have a baby if I can't afford it?

[Yellowhearts]

Hi. This is my first time posting here and I really need some advice.
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. I would really lime to have a baby soon (30) and my boyfriend would like to have a baby but he is worried about our finances. I lost my job over a year ago and my boyfriend earns £22k a year. All of his pay girls to our mortgage and household bills. He has no money to save at the end of each month so we don't have any savings to fall back on. He already opted out of his pension to help cover the bills so that's not an option either. We are very careful with what we have and don't go on holiday, eat out etc. I have my own credit card debts which he and family help with. I know it might sound selfish but I really want a baby. I know it sounds bad but I don't know if I could stay with my boyfriend if he didn't want us to start trying soon. I love my boyfriend but I really want to be a mum - it means so much to me! It's something I've always wanted.
Should I try and get my boyfriend to see that we could afford it? I don't want him to think I'm putting pressure on him to find money for a baby but I desperately want to be a mother. Ideally I would like to stay at home until our child(ren) are in school. What should I do? I'm really confused.

@samjacklogi88 would you recommend having a toddler and a newborn in a 1bed flat!?

@samjacklogi88

A one bed flat and you're expecting another baby? This is not a shining example of responsible family planning. FFS.

The only things you need to buy new are a mattress for the cot and tins of formula if you plan to bottle feed, plus toiletries like nappies and wipes.
It's not the cost of a baby that's the issue, it's the cost of raising a child. Babies are cheap. They grown into children who you have to clothes, feed and keep entertainer. There are costs for so many aspects of raising a child. I really think you need to be in an ok financial position first if possible. Yes, people manage, but it's crazy to intentionally have a child if you already know you'll struggle financially. Even more is if you are unmarried and are expecting to be a stay at home parent.

No...

I wouldn't let finances put you off what u want it all works out eventually xx
Depending on how high (or low) you set your bar and what you actually want to give/provide for your child/children.

Unless you are one of those "Love is all that you need...." misguided fools.

Get a job then revisit idea in a year.

Me and my DH earn a decent enough wage between us and even with that we wouldn't be able to comfortably afford whilst I was on SMP with our outgoings. So we spent the whole pregnancy throwing every spare penny into savings to buy all the essentials and to make up for the drop in wages over 9 months. As someone has previously mentioned formula is easily £40 a month alone.
I really would advice you getting a job first and then at least you will be entitled to SMP

I'd wait, find a job and start saving.

My newborn has turned out to be more expensive than expected. I was ill before she was born (hospitalised twice) so my DP has to take unpaid leave to be with me while I was recovering. Then after the birth both me and the baby were ill so my DP had to take more unpaid leave after paternity leave.
I also couldn't breastfeed as planned so am having to buy huge amounts of formula for my greedy baby which isn't cheap! I'd also bought a lot of breastfeeding paraphernalia such as nursing clothing, bras, pump, pumping bags etc which were all a waste of money as I have no breast milk.

I also wouldn't have expected something like lockdown to have happened so we're having issues getting formula meaning we have to overbuy when we see it so we always have a couple of spare tins in - this is extra expense that could break the bank if you're struggling.
Despite having everything for the baby, she was much smaller than expected so we had to go out and buy even more clothes!

Do not underestimate how much a baby could cost you if things start to go wrong. You may not have a straightforward pregnancy and birth and your baby may not be perfectly healthy. This all costs money. I slipped a disc during the pregnancy too and ended up having to buy numerous aids to help me cope.

We both have decent jobs so have managed to cope with this but no way would we manage on one income.

You need to get a job.
If you can't get and hold down a job I would think you are not going to make a good parent.
A child growing up in poverty is more likely to have poor health and low outcomes in general. Poverty from birth is almost impossible to recover from these days.

If you care about giving your child a decent start, you need to get a job.

If you can't do that (for whatever reason) I think you are wrong to have a child to fill the holes in your life, they are likely to have a crap life.

I'm sorry but you need to hear that.

You've not worked for a year.

He pays all the bills.

He and your family are paying off your debts.

You don't want to work till the kids are in school, so approx another 5+ years.

And you wonder why he is isn't keen.

What do you need to do to persuade him? You need to get a job. All the supermarkets are hiring right now.

It sounds like you need to grow up and live in the real world.

NO

You already know this is a terrible idea otherwise you wouldn’t be posting. You need to get a job and sort your finances out before you contemplate a baby.

Loads of job in supermarkets at the moment OP.
Get a job. Pay off your debts, make sure pension payments are being paid.
Then have a baby.

I expect he isn't keen because you are such a sponge. Lady Sponge-a-lot.

You can't afford it.

You have no spare money to buy what the baby would need.

Formula £50
Nappies £40
Calpol/medicines £8.00
Vests, baby grows, new clothes, bibs, bedding, toys £20-50

Regular minimum monthly spend £118-£148 a month.

Actual cash.

And they're not the big costs. I bought second hand and was gifted/ hand me downs a lot - still spent £1800 on pram, car seat, mattress, bedding, blankets, Moses basket, bottles, steriliser, and maternity clothes ....

You would be officially living in poverty.

It would be very very wrong to bring a child into your situation. They would have nothing.

It's great that you want to be a mum, but you need to understand what it entails and it's not about the lovely cuddles etc - a hungry, uncomfortable, unhappy baby who's parents can't provide doesn't tend to respond that way.

You can make changes now and do it really well in a couple of years. But you already know this. Everyone gets broody, start you journey to being a Mum now and prepare like you actually want a happy, well fed and content baby.

No op., don't do it. Sort your life out first, get a job and pay off debts, start taking responsibility for yourself and stop relying on your boyfriend and family.

A baby is a huge physical, emotional strain as well as financial. It puts so much stress on a relationship and if your boyfriend isn't sure now or starts to resent you because he's financially supporting and your relationship breaks down where will you be with no independent income?

As much as you want a baby think practically- until you can financially support yourself and a baby it's selfish and irresponsible to deliberately get pregnant.

I've made sure I had at least 6 months income in savings before having either of my babies as a 'just in case' back up while on maternity pay and been in a relatively debt free starting position. This has meant a lot less stress during the first year.

You entire post is about what you want. What you want means absolutely nothing when you can’t meet your basic responsibilities towards your child. Instead of think about what you want maybe ask yourself whether you want to be your child?

I was all ready to say that nobody feels like they can really afford a baby, there is always something. But you really can't afford a baby.

You need to get a job and look after yourself, never mind contemplate trying to look after a completely dependent human being fir the next two decades.

Babies are not expensive but the rest of their lives they are really really expensive. You aren't managing the situation you are in now.

You don't sound mature enough to have a baby

You've been unemployed over a year.....if you wanted a baby that much you should have found a job already!?

So you're unemployed now, your DP is on a low wage, you have debts that you need bailed out on by others and if you have a baby you don't want to work until they go to school?

You need a bit of a reality check.

You definitely should not bring a baby into the world right now. Even more so, as your boyfriend is not keen, understandably so.

I understand the urge to have children, I really do. When my second DN was born, I really wanted a baby too, but I wasn't in the position to do so, 6 years later, I am in a much better position and due DC2 soon.

Bringing a child into a life of no money will be incredibly difficult. Do you want to be worrying where the money for the next tin of formula is coming from? They grow out of their clothes roughly every 3 months. Nappies - 6 to 10 per day, particularly in the early days. Personally I didn't use formula or disposables so probably can't give you accurate costings on these, but have a look at the cost.

Some things you will need to consider:

1. Your boyfriend's pension - he's not paying into it for HIS future because he's supporting you. It would be very selfish to insist he puts a baby on his priorities.
2. Your security - you also need to consider your own security, by not working, you're also not accruing a workplace pension and leaving yourself in a very vulnerable position.
3. With no savings and only one income, you are putting both of you in a difficult position in terms of being able to afford to live. Especially as you want to be a SAHM.
4. You have debts that your boyfriend and family are paying off. How do you think your family are going to feel about you prioritising what YOU want over paying them back? Don't you feel embarrassed about that at the age of 30?
5. Children are more expensive as they grow up. As well as the basics - food, clothes, life essentials, what about when they want to do things like swimming, dance etc? Would you feel bad telling them no all the time?
6. I'm not going to say get married as others have done, but it would be wise and would protect you.

Being 30 isn't some kind of fertility time bomb, you have more time on your side to ensure the basics.

As you've said that you would dump your boyfriend rather than stay with him if he didn't want to bring a baby into the world right now, you may also want to consider the security of your relationship and how much he really means to you, other than keeping a roof over your head and providing the money and sperm.

Get a job.
Clear your debts.
Then have a baby.
Why have you not worked for the last year?

Schools out

I grew up in a poor household and as a child my first memories were poverty.

Don’t be selfish, get a job, take the pressure from your partner and revisit in two years.

So you're going to leave the man who does want to have a baby but is actually being sensible.

If you are so desperate then you need to start taking responsibility for yourself because until you do that you have no right to take on the responsibility of another life.

Get a job. Get stable. Stop leeching. Stop moaning.

Then when you've paid off the debts and stopped relying on family and oh bailing you out, review having a baby.

@MaidenMotherCrone Agreed, surely this is a joke??