Should I have a baby if I can't afford it?

[Yellowhearts]

Hi. This is my first time posting here and I really need some advice.
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. I would really lime to have a baby soon (30) and my boyfriend would like to have a baby but he is worried about our finances. I lost my job over a year ago and my boyfriend earns £22k a year. All of his pay girls to our mortgage and household bills. He has no money to save at the end of each month so we don't have any savings to fall back on. He already opted out of his pension to help cover the bills so that's not an option either. We are very careful with what we have and don't go on holiday, eat out etc. I have my own credit card debts which he and family help with. I know it might sound selfish but I really want a baby. I know it sounds bad but I don't know if I could stay with my boyfriend if he didn't want us to start trying soon. I love my boyfriend but I really want to be a mum - it means so much to me! It's something I've always wanted.
Should I try and get my boyfriend to see that we could afford it? I don't want him to think I'm putting pressure on him to find money for a baby but I desperately want to be a mother. Ideally I would like to stay at home until our child(ren) are in school. What should I do? I'm really confused.

Just think OP- if your boyfriend is managing to come cover everything with his wage then anything you earn is extra that can go straight to paying your debts and then saving for a baby.

How much are your debts?

On a min wage 37.5 hour job you will take home over £15k a year. That’s £15k straight off your debts in just a year! And if your debts are less than £15k there is your baby find started. In just. Year!! Plus you’ll have secured maternity pay. Win win situation.

Baby fund

I was brought up poor. Really did impact my childhood: stressed parents; other kids being cruel because of how I dressed; no holidays or even meals out so always felt I was missing out; and kids notice things and take on your worries.

You probably have an image in your head about how parenthood will be. It won't be what you think if you're poor. Benefits will only get you so far.

I understand the impulse, and i dont necessarily think you have to wait for the perfect time (there isn't one) but you have time to make your circumstances better. Wouldn't even take that long.

Why are you not working?

Good grief, so you care enough about your boyfriend that you will dump him if you don't get what you want.
That in itself is not a good start to your childs life.
Nappies, formula etc ARE very expensive and you will constantly be in debt. Child benefit is not enough to pay for those things.
If you want a baby then you make it happen, get a job, save your entire salary for three years then you might be able to afford it.
You won't be able to afford to be a stay at home mum on your husbands salary, so you can forget that idea right now. You will need to go back to work. Making ends meet will be tough and brutal.
What about Christmas? How will you afford that? And birthdays?
This is not going to happen if you don't work to supplement your income.
If you have one now you will lose your house and end up on benefits for years.
I had to live on benefits for 6 months between jobs as a single parent and it was the most miserable and destitute period of my life.

Sorry you had to go through that. Hope your doing well

Having a baby doesn't have to be expensive. Having a teenager really is though.
Bit of food for thought.
They don't breastfeed forever!

I know it sounds bad but I don't know if I could stay with my boyfriend if he didn't want us to start trying soon

Poor guy. He’s working to keep a roof over your head and pay off your debts and you seem to view him as a cash cow and sperm bank.

Find a job, clear your debt, then start thinking about babies.

No, of course you shouldn't plan on having a baby while you have such insecure finances. If the one salary (your boyfriend's) is not enough for the two of you, it is hardly going to be any easier once you add a baby to the family.
It is a silly idea.

I suggest you find a job for yourself, clear some of your debts, save some money, perhaps.....radical.....get married or at least make sure your relationship is strong - and only then consider a baby. Thirty is not the big milestone of baby making that you think. Plenty of couples have babies in their later thirties, there's no need to panic and rush.

I've sort of done it both ways; aged 19, no boyfriend, no job initially (I managed to get a supermarket job at four months pregnant which gave me some money) and a ridiculous amount of debt and now (6 weeks pregnant) eight years later, aged 27, married, both earning 21k per year and with a small amount of debt from my husband's redundancy which was four months long at the end of last year and our wedding which we're paying off.

Small amount of debt - having a child is doable, but with two good full time incomes so that you keep up with your bills, repayments and essentials.

A large amount of debt, or one income - it's just not a good idea to add another life into the mix.

And if you end up relying on housing benefit or tax credits, you will get royally screwed in a vicious cycle. This happened to me with my first pregnancy and my benefits would be recalculated etc and suddenly I was in even more debt, but this time to local government.

I would think long and hard about this decision. Speaking from experience, you do not want the heartbreak of having to forgo gas and electric because you need to feed your baby.

Honestly, just get a job. We are crying out for hands over here in healthcare and the pay can be pretty good.

I know it sounds bad but I don't know if I could stay with my boyfriend if he didn't want us to start trying soon

You'd be doing the poor guy a massive favour.

What should you do?

You should cut up your credit card and go get a job. Why have you been out of work for a year?
And what kind of mother plans to bring a child into a life of poverty?
Plenty of people have babies and then hit hard times sadly. It can happen to anyone, but you are planning on it from the start. You sound very immature. How is that ok for the baby?

You do NOT need to clear your debt before having a baby. That's utterly ridiculous. But you either need a cheaper place to live or you need to go to work as well because being a SAHM with zero money is going to be zero fun for you.

Should I try and get my boyfriend to see that we could afford it?

But you can't currently afford a roof, your debts or the food in your mouth. He pays for some, your family for others. You need a job.

It sounds selfish, short-sighted and immature. All qualities that aren't the best in a parent. I know fantastic parents that don't have a lot of money. But choosing to get pregnant when you can't pay your debts is foolish.

If you Benedetto other people to pay your debts, you're not ready for a child.

Sort the debt before thinking about a baby.

If you split up with your bf how would you afford the baby and living costs? You wouldn't get much child maintenance if he's earning 22k and certainly no debt payments.

You can’t afford anything. You’re already taking money for debts off your family, and your poor boyfriend who you would happily dump! You seem very immature. You need to grow up and get a job. And maybe when you are more financially stable you can think about a baby.

At 22k a year your boyfriend earns more than me and my dp combined and we manage to live within our means. I think you both need to sit down and have a reasonable chat with a reasonable timeline. If he doesnt want a baby full stop then you are not compatible and have every right to leave and seek someone else. If he does want a child but not immediately then you need to discuss this properly. How much debt is it and why havent you been in work for a year? Sorry to be personal but maybe talking here and brraking down the issues people can give constructive advice. I found the threads on here about managing your money are fantastic i went from loads of debt to £180 current debt by changing my credit card to interest free and taking on extra shifts at work. Have you looked into supermarkets or care home work right now that should be in abundance. I know a few crying out for workers. But no you are not wrong for wanting a baby in your 30s. But you need to sort your life out properly first. Give yourself a year to get in a better position.

You seem very immature and in no way ready to have a child. You're 30 and your family is paying off your debt? Really?! Get a job, get married, get your finances in order and then have a baby.

i think you do not really understand what being a parent means.
that you already have debts, which others are helping you pay off, is concerning.
in the kindest way, i think you need to do some growing up first. your outlook shows an undeveloped mind.
if you get on with your parents, or some other older person, please talk openly with them about all this. and try to regard your boyfriend as a person in his own right, not just a supporting player in the drama of your life. you cannot squeeze people into being what you want them to be. that would be a distortion, so not true, and not sustainable.

Crazy OP for thinking a forum for mother’s night include some advice and empathy instead of judgmental critics...

Get a job

@CtrlU I believe I provided both advice and empathy (although it was not 'yeah fuck it, TTC and get pregnant when you cannot afford your own problem debt'). I truly understand the broodiness struggle and actually went to the GP crying asking if they could change something hormonal and take it away. I have given the OP essentially the same advice my GP gave me - sort a plan of what you need to change and (with DH), use it to push through and re-evaluate timeframes. I do think this may be one of the times the @Op isn't coming back though ...

@CtrlU i didnt judge op i gave her reasonable advice in a none judgemental way.

Get a job, pay off your debts, and then revisit the baby idea.

I was 28 when I had my first me and my boyfriend living in my bedroom with a baby at my parents we didn't have lots of money but we made it work we budgeted I wasn't going to be put off because of finances because there never a right time to have a baby it all works out in the end we now have a 1 bed flat almost 3 years later and a second baby due in 3 months I wouldn't let finances put you off what u want it all works out eventually xx