Should I have a baby if I can't afford it?

[Yellowhearts]

Hi. This is my first time posting here and I really need some advice.
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. I would really lime to have a baby soon (30) and my boyfriend would like to have a baby but he is worried about our finances. I lost my job over a year ago and my boyfriend earns £22k a year. All of his pay girls to our mortgage and household bills. He has no money to save at the end of each month so we don't have any savings to fall back on. He already opted out of his pension to help cover the bills so that's not an option either. We are very careful with what we have and don't go on holiday, eat out etc. I have my own credit card debts which he and family help with. I know it might sound selfish but I really want a baby. I know it sounds bad but I don't know if I could stay with my boyfriend if he didn't want us to start trying soon. I love my boyfriend but I really want to be a mum - it means so much to me! It's something I've always wanted.
Should I try and get my boyfriend to see that we could afford it? I don't want him to think I'm putting pressure on him to find money for a baby but I desperately want to be a mother. Ideally I would like to stay at home until our child(ren) are in school. What should I do? I'm really confused.

I'm 27, married, no debt (apart from the mortgage and car), both me and husband (33) work full time in good jobs that have continued our full pay through coronavirus so we are very lucky. DH has previously had debt.

I think having a baby should have lots of practical thought put into it as well as just having the biological drive. We have a savings account for baby items (added up the cost of all the baby items it would need and aiming for that target). I also have a savings account for money to add to my maternity pay whilst off work. We are going to TTC towards the end of the year once these funds have built.

I know not everyone who has a baby has this 'preparation time' and they still make it work for them. But for us I feel like it's important to make a smooth transition financially and part of being parents is making responsible decisions, what ever those decisions may be to you as a couple. One thing we value as a couple is our holidays abroad. We want to be able to afford to do this as a family later on. I was lucky enough to grow up with regular holidays abroad that my parents worked hard for and I want to let my children have the same experiences. I think having a baby isn't just about 'having a baby' but thinking about what type of lifestyle you want to give it too.

I know if I was in a relationship (not married) with someone who wasn't working, having me pay absolutely everything and then wanted to use my money (savings) for a wedding I would definitely not be happy with how one sided the relationship was. I'd expect my other half to pull their weight too.

Another thing is, children learn from their parents how to deal with money and what is deemed 'ok'. My parents (who are very working class) always said if you can't afford something with the money you have then you can't have it. It taught me the value of money and saving etc, never had a credit card or borrowed money (other than car and mortgage) me and DH paid our wedding ourselves in full.
On the other hand, DHs parents always had debt, borrowed etc and he grew up with the same habits (luckily I helped him kick these when our relationship started getting serious).

Children pick up on things like this even if you don't directly teach them it.

Please think about your plans in depth before you do anything. Think about:

• What kind of life do I want my child to have growing up?
• Do I want to instil in my children that just getting by is the way to live?
• What if my partner lost his job? Would we have anything to fall back on? How might this affect my baby's life?

And if you are just getting by financially as a couple..what about all of the experiences you are missing out on together at present?

I have my doubts about this thread.

However, giving it the benefit of the doubt, Op, what situation do you think IS appropriate to bring a child into?

I would say that great affluence isn't necessary, but to bring a child into a situation of relationship instability and emotional poverty ...l.and to do it knowingly is hugely irresponsible.

Lots of people don't have great riches, but they are responsible people. They put the child and what they need before themselves.

If you look at all the children in the UK growing up disadvantaged, consider what it is which makes them disadvantaged and think about if any of those scenarios apply to your own life.....and if they do, think again, unless you are prepared to say honestly that in reality it's all about what you want and not about a child growing up disadvantaged.

Things which give a child a disadvantaged life;

• parental immaturity
• relationship instability
• mental health problems
• alcohol and substance abuse
• financial poverty

Sometimes, people who are disadvantaged as adults cannot quite see the reality they are in or the reality a child would be brought into. They are naieve and blinkered and think that just wanting a child will be good enough. They don't think about the realities - and it is the child who suffers then.

Who’s going to pay for childcare when they’re barely making ends meet now?

She has no intention of working. She says so in the OP, wants to stay at home with 'the children' (so she wants more than one) until they're in school (so then she'll not have been employed for years and years and can use that as an excuse to be further funded for life).

I really can't believe you've been trying to get a job for a year and have had no luck. Don't bring a baby into this. £22k for a household is extremely low.

Where in the country are you OP? Can't you get a job now, stacking shelves, supermarket deliveries - those areas that are crying out for workers right now? Carer?

Gosh OP you sound incredibly immature and honestly incredibly selfish.

Your poor BF is keeping your head above water and you think he's unnecessarily hesitating.

Babies are only babies for such a short period of time, what about childcare fees should you actually end up working again?

What about school uniform/ trips/ activities for your child when they're older?

What about increased food bills with another mouth to feed?

What about the cost of a broken boiler/ phone/ redundancy/ long term sickness/ a broken car with a child to consider too?

What about birthdays/ Christmas/ shoes/ clothes?

You need to get a job, any job, if you're not having any luck with jobs you're applying for at the moment perhaps you need to revise your criteria?

You need to be a partner to your BF and work together now to build a stable long term life.

Op seriously if your boyfriend is only just about covering the costs of living atm, how will you make it work with a child in the picture? Even if you breastfed (and not everyone who wants to is able to) and got all the baby clothes given to you as hand me downs, there's still extra costs. Pram, cot and car seat if you drive being the biggest I can think of. But smaller things too, nappies for example. Then as the child grows up and starts to eat food, that's another cost. Possibly you'll need the heating on a bit more, it all adds up. If you have genuinely been looking for a job for a year and haven't been able to get one, it won't be any easier when you have childcare to consider.

Supermarkets are crying out for workers right now, so I don't believe for one minute you have been trying to get a job.

You can't possibly have a baby with no job, no money and debt. Just why bring a child into poverty? Seems unecssarily cruel.

Should I try and get my boyfriend to see that we could afford it? I don't want him to think I’m putting pressure on him to find money for a baby but I desperately want to be a mother. Ideally I would like to stay at home until our child(ren) are in school. What should I do? I'm really confused.

But you can’t afford it - and you are putting pressure on him, on top of all the other financial pressure he is under. If you wanted a baby that much you would find yourself a job so you could afford it... sounds like you just want an excuse to stay at home more than anything.

I think your boyfriend should run for the hills. What's the female version of a cocklodger? If you genuinely are 30, you need to grow up. You could easily go and get a job in a supermarket now so do that. Take responsibility for yourself instead of relying on someone else to pay your debts. He could easily leave you in the shit.

Having a baby is expensive and hard, even if you do it as cheaply as possible it all adds up - our formula bill was £40+ per month, a new pair of well fitted infant shoes is £30, add in the extra utility bills caused by heating, washing, electricity....I'm not surprised he's hesitant.

You seem to have no financial responsibility for yourself at all. I struggle to see why your boyfriend is bank rolling everything when you a stay at home and moon over the idea of having a baby to love.
My husband and I have been together 12 years, married for 4, we have waited until now (I’m 30) to have a baby so we are in a secure position professionally and financially to give a good life to a child. Your reasons for wanting a child seem totally selfish.

No.
Please read and take in Wombat's post.
Cost is not necessarily the biggest problem here - mine cost practically nothing due to breastfeeding, cotton nappies, nothing new/everything hand-me-downs etc - but whatever the financial situation, emotional maturity and a level of both self-awareness and selflessness is necessary and perhaps need to be worked on.
The point is that it is not about what you want but about how good a start in life you can give your child. At the moment that may be something to think about.

OP, I understand the biological urge to have a baby, but as you have already said, unfortunately yes it is selfish if you don’t have the means to afford one. Not only on your poor partner but the baby as well. Just because you want one, doesn’t mean you should.

If your partner is having to go into his overdraft just to afford bills (and pay for your debt) and having to give up his contribution to his pension then this is not something you can afford right now. If he pays for everything I would think he has a better idea of what you can afford. I wouldn’t necessarily say you need to have your debt cleared to have a baby (although that would be ideal) but you need to have means to continue paying it off.

I would really consider taking a job first to help with the finances, and that may mean you need to take one where you need to work weekends (if you have put this as a restriction on your job hunt, then this could be losing you a lot of opportunities). This brings in extra income which may ease your partners (very reasonable) concerns, give you a chance to save a little bit, but also stay long enough you can be entitled to maternity pay which will help while you are off on mat leave.

Please think past your own wants and think about the life you would bring your child into. Do you really want to bring them up with not being able to go on holidays, pay for nice outings/school trips, buying them that Christmas present they really want because you can’t afford it?

I am currently 14 weeks pregnant (I’m 31), but felt the want to have a baby since I was about 26. Although we weren’t on bad incomes we still didn’t feel comfortable enough to bring a child into the world. We held off until my partner got a big promotion at the end of last year which has put us in a great position, and I’m so glad we waited because we can both fully enjoy bringing our child into a comfortable life.

I worked for years in retail, restaurant and in administration jobs. I've always worked before. I've applied for loads of jobs in different areas. I've had a handful of interviews but I didn't get any of the roles I applied for. I did get me down that I couldn't get a job. I don't like having to rely on my boyfriend and my family to help me out. I can see why it might look selfish but I've always wanted a family. I come from a very large family and family has always meant so much to me. I'm really conscious that my biological clock is ticking and I want a family more than anything. I know it might be hard but I do think we could just manage it financially. I do resent my boyfriend when he says we should wait until things are better financially but I do understand where he is coming from. I'm really not a selfish person! I just really want to start a family. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I just want my boyfriend to see that if we love each other we can make a plan of how we can manage. I have worked hard all my life. I'm not a sponge. I just want a family of my own. I think it's natural to want those things!

You wanting a child is not a problem.

You're only just 30 so have time to get ready to have a baby.

If you're not working and have others pay your debt then you're not pulling your weight on what will be a stressful time. If you clear the debt and work long enough to qualify for maternity leave then your lives would be considerably easier.

Op i agree with your last statements. Ive worked since i was 13 years old and am still in a shitty financial position (not as bad as some as i said i have gotten rid of loads of debt and have it down to £180 and have started a savings pot £300 snd counting!) Its hard but doable. I have spent ages convincing dp to have a baby with me. (Originally he was all for it as he has a child already then i accidently gor pregnant and he was dead against it. I had a serious mc and he said no we wont be having more.) Its taken me 6 months to work my arse off to prove to him we can handle a child and he has finally said yes he wants one now too. Its more about being honest with your boyfriend and having a plan. I know exactly how you feel. For me its been 6 months of tireless work to clear debts get more work and show dp how serious i am about this. We have also agreed to marrriage in the future though thats not currently a priority and we dont own our house right now but hope to save a deposit sometime in the next 5 years.

As i said before you are not wrong at all to want a baby and i know it can be hard to find a job in certain areas despite what most of mumsnet think. However you do need a bigger and acheiveable plan for the future. Break it down into sections.

Job
Debt
Savings
Bills
Maternity leave
How will you afford to stay home
Who will look after child/ren if you return to work.

Bringing a baby into a life of poverty IS selfish.

All the other money issues aside... your partner doesn’t want a baby right now! He gets to make that call!
Back to the money issues - I’m sorry but I do not believe for a second if you’ve had all those jobs and experience that you couldn’t get any gainful employment in 12 months.
Reading all the arguments and then responding with, basically, what about meeeeee, what about what I want right now with no thought for your partner or the long term stability if your finances at all is the very definition of selfish. If he refuses to have a child with you right now, you absolutely should leave him. You’d be doing him a favour.

OP there are enough children living in poverty in this world PLEASE DON'T add to that number. And you do know that babies grown into children and they grow into teens!! The "baby" stage only lasts a year max and then you have a child that you ACTUALLY need to PARENT! It's not babysitting it's COMPLETELY bloody different!! And I know you THINK you know that...but trust me you don't!!

How can you resent the person who is keeping you financially afloat from wanting the situation to get better?

I want a really flash car and new windows in my home. I can't afford them, but I want them. So I will have to earn them or do without. Seriously try for a job and work for your living to earn money and a paid for maternity break.

Wow, I can't believe how nasty people are being.

I can see why it might look selfish but I've always wanted a family. I come from a very large family and family has always meant so much to me
But clearly doesn't mean enough that you'd actually do the right thing FOR your (potential) child/children? Ok then

You are a sponge. You can argue that all you like but you are absolutely the worst kind of sponge. Already looking ahead to your BF getting a payout he can spend on you whilst you contribute nothing and just drain everyone else so they can pay your debts.

The fact that you continue to argue "but I want one.." like every toddler ever shows what a pointless thread this is. You'll go ahead and ("oh, but it was an accident") have a baby and have everyone else support that 'choice' forever.

You haven't had a job for a year.

Your boyfriend pays for everything and you think you may break up with him if he is sensible enough to tell you that having a baby isnt right at the moment.

If you have no money left over how do you expect to bring up a baby?

Very selfish

If you have admin experience, you could have signed up for a temp agency in the past 12 months. I've been unemployed twice (both times when leaving education), and I signed up to temp agencies immediately and was working within a week. Not great pay but it tided us over until I got a permanent role and it meant I didn't amass debts. I never believe anyone who says they can't find a job - if you want one, they are there. You sound incredibly self-centred and immature.

I can certainly see why his family aren't keen on the baby idea. If he were a male relative of mine I'd be advising him to run for the hills. There's nothing in any of your posts suggesting that you care about him or his wellbeing. He's already working to support you and pay your debt. You should be looking for a job -any job- to lighten the load and alleviate some of the financial stress he's no doubt feeling. Instead, you want to spend money that his parents have invested for him on a wedding you don't need. And then after that you'll pop out some babies and stay at home for several years while he countinues to shoulder the entire financial burden on a very modest salary. But you can't see how any of this makes you selfish?

I have doubts about the authenticity of this post but if this is in fact real I hope he listens to his family as it sounds like they have his best interest at heart here. And you really need to take a long hard look at yourself.