Misdiagnosed gender - mentally coping

[McleanJ]

Hello,

I am now 29 weeks pregnant. From our 20 week scan we have been told we are having a baby girl. Once by NHS and again flippantly when we went for a 4d scan ‘oh it’s definitely a girl’
Today I took my parents for another 4d scan to see the baby only to find out our baby girl is a baby boy. I was pretty distraught and we were sent away for a tea and told to go back and double check....it’s a boy.

Initially I didn’t even want to find out as I wasnt too fussed (I kept telling myself) but my husband was desperate to and seeing as I get all the firsts I let him find out then he surprised me with a gender reveal balloon. It was such an amazing day as secretly all I ever longed for was a girl and my dreams were coming true. I’ve bonded with this baby as a girl, her nursery is beautiful and I went crazy with her clothes as have my friends and family. We have just had the most beautiful rose gold and black glitter travel system and pink car seat delivered. All now that needs changing.

Of course all we long for is a healthy baby and from the few people I’ve managed to tell I keep hearing what you’d expect. I should count myself lucky etc etc which of course I know, but the mental toll of having something I believed was one thing actually not being there is pretty devastating. We’ve talked about our hopes and dreams for her. We’ve stood in her nursery teary just in disbelief it was all happening. I feel like I’m grieving for her when she never existed to begin with.

I don’t know what I want/need to hear but needed to write down my thoughts. I haven't stopped crying since and can’t bear to go near the nursery. I’m worried I won’t bond with the baby as I already feel different but hoping this is just shock.
It feels like a very cruel joke and karma for being so ecstatic to begin with 😔

Poor think OP. I can understand your upset. Keep focusing on how cute little boys are. Imagine him in little dinosaur pyjamas and cuddling teddy. Big boys love their mummys soo much and are big softies.

Gender is a made up concept (sex is what you observe on scans). Boys can be cute and loving and caring and everything girls can be, and vice versa. The only difference between them is in their pants/nappy. Look outside the stereotypes. Your baby is a blessing.

Why do you need to change anything you've bought? This is why all baby stuff should be gender neutral, it's ridiculous and damaging to new parents. Baby won't care what colour his pram or anything else is. All he cares about is being loved by you. I would tell your midwife how you feel, as it sounds like you could do with seeing the perinatal mental health nurse. I saw one during my pregnancy and found it really helpful.

We have just had the most beautiful rose gold and black glitter travel system and pink car seat delivered. All now that needs changing.

Why?! They’re colours. They are utterly meaningless. A boy in a pink car seat won’t be any different to a boy in any other colour of car seat.

Honestly, there are babies sleeping in mud huts and cardboard boxes on the planet who won’t ever know a hot meal or why it is to go to school. This is not a disaster in any sense of the word.

Oh gosh what a shock for you. I think it’s normal that you would grieve for the daughter you thought you were carrying. In time things will get easier and as a Mum of 4 boys, who did want a daughter, I can tell you that as soon as he is born you will not be disappointed. Allow yourself to cry and be angry about the situation but look after yourself and that little boy who needs his Mummy x

After all confusion, I think I would go for colours you would be happy for a boy or girl.
No more scans now unless for medical reason and bond with that baby because it's yours.
However, if you continue to be upset, please get support.
Good luck.

You'll get ripped to shreds OP for admitting feeling this way but I would too. Not because of preference but because is spent 2 months imaging a little person who doesn't exist. Boys and girls are different.

You'll get over it when he arrives though.

I'm sorry, I have no wise words because I can't begin to understand how you are feeling at all. You are having a healthy baby. Be thankful.

Oh Op, that is tough.
For me being pregnant was such a time of uncertainty. There is nothing we can know for sure. And when you are told the sex it becomes the only ‘concrete’ thing you have.
Of course, the sex doesn’t actually tell us hardly anything about what the child will be like but it must feel so destabilising.
Of course, you have this fantasy and now it feels like it’s been shattered and you have to rebuild.
I’m 11 or so weeks you will
Meet your baby and this will all become very distant. But I can understand it is upsetting. Don’t bottle it up, or feel bad for feeling that way. You are entitled to your emotions.

Boys and girls are different.

How?

I can imagine being disappointed in this situation and irritated about any sex-specific colours I'd chosen

Beyond that however the emotions your describing sound much like those I felt after miscarriage - you've not lost a girl, you're just having a boy instead who can be all the amazing things you'd pictured, and more. You are so very lucky OP, please focus on what you have not what you haven't.

I mean all this gently so please please focus on how this incredible little chap will add to your life

OP I feel for you but you have to understand that this will just be a funny story to you one day. My dad was told he had a son 50 years ago - he called the hospital and was given the wrong info (in those dads weren’t in the delivery room ) By the time the midwife realised her mistake - she’d confused him with another dad - he was on the phone to his relatives spreading the news far and wide and so she couldn’t get through. He found out the truth several hours later during visiting time. It’s just a funny story now. When you get to meet your boy he will be the very person he was supposed to be. I know it’s hard to deal with the shock but that’s all it is and the boy will be all you could want (I have one).

I agree with kezmum and you must feel so angry and sad at being told incorrectly how utterly disappointing for you and good luck in your pregnancy. Once you meet him I’m sure you’ll love and adore him. I agree what others have said about the colours.

Celebrity I 💓 your last sentence - perfect!

Focus on the fact that you have a healthy baby, and maybe buy some gender neutral stuff for your son.

I purposely bought a fuchsia pink next-to-me crib, knowing I was having a boy, because I was fed up of beiges and greys. My nephew had a rose gold tv for Christmas - he loves it. I can understand how clothes will be a pain, and I completely understand how you feel building yourself up for one and getting the other, but don't worry unnecessarily about car seats and all that - colours are for you - the baby won't know or care.

I always wanted a girl. I was told my first was a boy - I wasn't disappointed - just surprised. Like, not really sure how to deal with someone who has a peepee, not having one myself, but ok. You will love him to bits. I'm pregnant with my 2nd now. Started thinking the other day, what if it's a boy? I'm 41 now and this is our last one so that means I would never have a girl, so I sat and really thought about it. And the only thing I could think of is not being able to buy the pretty pink clothes. In all other respects, I don't see much difference - I played with action men and Tonka trucks. Again, completely understand your upset as you've built this dream up in your head and it feels like it's been snatched away, but you've still got an equally good one coming your way. I love my son more than the world.

@McGruff didn’t quite realise that did I 🙈Should probably just keep my thoughts to myself.

We’re all different. Baby won’t be loved any less just need to forget about my past thoughts and rechannel.

And the only thing I could think of is not being able to buy the pretty pink clothes.

I swapped all of the pretty pink and utterly impractical clothes DD got bought. She wore lovely comfy babygros in all the colours of the rainbow for the first 6 months at least. Happy days. Now (9) she loves green and bright yellow. And tells me that the only difference between her and her male classmates is that they pee standing up. And she is absolutely right.

Oh sweetheart, that must be so hard for you. Remember that the pram is for you and your needs really, though. It sounds very stylish and I think you should keep it if you love it! Baby just wants to be warm and cosy, after all... He won't give a shit about the colour (he won't know what it is anyway). Un-Mumsnetty hug for you

I get how you feel OP, when I found out mine was a girly I was literally jumping with joy, I had convinced myself it was a boy but secretly wanted a girl. Then I felt really guilty as what if it was a boy! I often think back to this years later and how I would have handled it. I see some baby boys and think awh if it were one like that I'd be okay! There are lots of cute and funny ones, try focusing on this type so you start looking forward to him. As I think it is probably mostly our preconceptions rather than reality. Do you know any adorable little boys/babies?

I feel like I’m grieving for her when she never existed to begin with.

And that is absolutely fine. Go with it, work through your feelings and then get ready for your little son. Talk about your hopes and dreams for him they shouldn't be much different!) By the time he is born and in your arms you will be fine.

Yes, we knew we were having a girl but I was desperate to avoid anything pink! Half of her clothes are from the 'boys' section nowadays anyway as they have a lot of nice, bright colours. And we didn't buy any 'girl' colour equipment, just because I really don't like it.

That said, I do understand the disappointment. I wanted a girl, not for any stereotypical reasons like clothing (I am not interested in fashion generally) or pink stuff, but because I had a lovely relationship with my mum and wanted the same with my daughter, as we are only have one. But when she arrived, I realised that she wasn't 'a girl', she was our child and her own person and it didn't seem so important any more. I'm still glad she was a girl, but if she had been a boy I'm sure I'd be saying I'm glad she was a boy!

Boys and girls are different.

No, children are different.

@LadyMonicaBaddingham thank you 😊
Just all fed into this image I had in my head.

It’s not for everyone but we do have a wardrobe full of tutus. Sorry if people do not agree with that.

Think the initial shock was just a lot to take on. Will be a funny story to tell him later on