Misdiagnosed gender - mentally coping

[McleanJ]

Hello,

I am now 29 weeks pregnant. From our 20 week scan we have been told we are having a baby girl. Once by NHS and again flippantly when we went for a 4d scan ‘oh it’s definitely a girl’
Today I took my parents for another 4d scan to see the baby only to find out our baby girl is a baby boy. I was pretty distraught and we were sent away for a tea and told to go back and double check....it’s a boy.

Initially I didn’t even want to find out as I wasnt too fussed (I kept telling myself) but my husband was desperate to and seeing as I get all the firsts I let him find out then he surprised me with a gender reveal balloon. It was such an amazing day as secretly all I ever longed for was a girl and my dreams were coming true. I’ve bonded with this baby as a girl, her nursery is beautiful and I went crazy with her clothes as have my friends and family. We have just had the most beautiful rose gold and black glitter travel system and pink car seat delivered. All now that needs changing.

Of course all we long for is a healthy baby and from the few people I’ve managed to tell I keep hearing what you’d expect. I should count myself lucky etc etc which of course I know, but the mental toll of having something I believed was one thing actually not being there is pretty devastating. We’ve talked about our hopes and dreams for her. We’ve stood in her nursery teary just in disbelief it was all happening. I feel like I’m grieving for her when she never existed to begin with.

I don’t know what I want/need to hear but needed to write down my thoughts. I haven't stopped crying since and can’t bear to go near the nursery. I’m worried I won’t bond with the baby as I already feel different but hoping this is just shock.
It feels like a very cruel joke and karma for being so ecstatic to begin with 😔

Would it be helpful to hear that you’re not alone? This has happened before. And I think the invention of gender reveals and instagram reveals etc has just made the issue so much worse. So don’t feel bad about feeling bad about it.

20 years ago I was in the same situation but didn’t find out until birth. But there was no gender reveal. And we hadn’t told anyone we what we were having, we just pretended we didn’t know. We had mostly neutral clothes fortunately. But finding a new name was hard. But it was actually a funny story once the shock wore off!

would not expose him to ONLY pink since birth. Why? Because I might bias his color choosing in future

Lots do it to girls though

For example

Two teen DD’s - want PJs nearly all have pink on there in some form, same with swim suits, more range in tops and trousers/leggings but knickers? Usually pink or frills to mixture a few black and then a pink pair with unicorns.
Glitter tops and sparkly shoes - manufactures have a lot to answer for.

I think that needanexpert is absolutely right on a philosophical level. Nothing to add to her post.

However, this is out of touch with current reality. Should we fight to change a reality we don't like? Absolutely, but my priorities are

-climate change
-Brexit
-populism
-lack of education
-poverty
-gender pay gap.

I don't give a flying f* about color and shape of newborn clothes and I don't believe they influence anything. I LOVE pink and I have a 'Male' degree and a 'Male' job. So no energy spent there as it is a battle I'm not interested in fighting. Hence, if I get a girl, the white blanket I'm knitting will have a pink ribbon, if I get a boy, it will have a blue ribbon. Then, after a couple of days, the ribbon will become impractical for me and will be thrown in the bin.

Oh wow.

I'm single and have fertility issues and reaching the upper end of being able to conceive.

Jesus OP

I will step back before I say anything more.

GreenTulips

If you read the remaining half of the paragraph, you have the explanation and my reason of why for girls is not a problem I consider major.

Keep the pram! It’s for you to look at anyway.
Your feelings are understandable, and hopefully you’ll get over it. Gender disappointment is a real thing for some people and hard for this who can’t conceive to understand.

But please don’t have a fluffy pink princess and let her wear leggings and trousers as a toddler, boys develop physically quicker as they can crawl easier and not always told to keep their clothes clean and skirt down

MyuMe

We have fertility issues too. That does not make the op less entitled to feel the way she does. There are people with terminal cancer and I bet they don't care about yours or my fertility AND the op baby's gender.

To everyone saying they're hurt by this thread because of their fertility issues.

With all due respect, she posted this in the 'pregnancy' section. Shes more than entitled to post her concerns on here. Where else would you have her post it?

Gender disappointment is a real issue. Just because it doesnt mean much to you, doesnt mean its not real

It’s SEX not GENDER for fucks sake!

However, the condition is called gender disappointment, not sex disappointment.

The latter is when I don't get my orgasms quota.

We wanted a second child so started TTC when I became pregnant we discussed if we had any ideals and at that moment in time I didn’t

I’d love for my boy to have a brother and that special relationship and equally a sister too

However, being told at 20 weeks we were having a girl I was over the moon

If I got to birth and it was a boy I would be disappointed too

Not because I wouldn’t have wanted a boy but because I had been led to believe and had that expectation there for the last 20 weeks or so

I think your feelings are valid, and its not unusual. I've seen similar things posted into pregnancy magazines as well as on forums. Its ok to acknowledge that you felt sad, you can't ignore or pretend you haven't felt that way and you shouldn't need to make excuses for feeling the way you do. Feeling sad or disappointed doesnt make you a bad person or ungrateful etc it's a very human emotion and experience. you also recognise there's so many positives about generally having a happy healthy baby and the joys of boys. The negative feelings will pass x

When pregnant with my DD me and my OH had a 'what if' conversation about this exact scenario after our gender scan. We both knew we would be on the one hand happy our baby would still be healthy, but devastated for the little girl we thought we were having. No, gender isnt important but you imagine different scenarios for a girl and a boy. Yes I know you shouldn't, but we did. Yes we would have loved her the same if she had turned out to be a boy, but in our hearts we had already given her a name and an identity. Would have been the same if we were told we were having a boy and then later told it was a girl. We would have been upset at no longer having that little boy we would have imagined. You are allowed to be upset and have a little cry, it's normal and I can imagine pretty stressful thinking about all the things you may want to change (such as the pram which sounds lovely by the way!! But it is your choice whether you still use it or go for something different). In our family there are 13 boys and now we have the second girl. We went pink OTT and would definitely have had to change things if she had turned out to be a boy.

However, the condition is called gender disappointment, not sex disappointment.

It’s a misnomer, like gender pay gap. Wearing trousers to work 3 days a week doesn’t make me a man.

Im pregnant with my second dd. My husband is adamant this time its a boy but i know it is a girl. He comes from a family of all girls and nieces and he’s longes for a boy. Secretly wish they have got my gender scan wrong and its a boy.
My husband will love our girl as he does the first but each time says “oh i would Love a boy” “im sure it’s a boy”

I dont want to tell him that i asked at my last appointment 👧🏻

I’m questioning why a lot of you are more concerned about the colour/style of clothes the OP chose for her little girl rather than be concerned about the shock and upset she is going through.
Some of you have mentioned how YOU choose to dress your children e.g. Spiderman outfits, neutral clothing, boys wearing tutus etc. So how is this not the same as the OP choosing to dress the little girl she thought she had in pink and how she envisaged her child to look? You are pushing your styles/ personal tastes onto your baby the same way the OP mentioned. We all have a choice when we have a baby to dress them how we wish and it seems those that have to comment on the OP’s choices are the ones who have an issue and may need to question why they feel so strongly about the OP’s choices. I bet she couldn’t care less about your choices. If you want to dress your little girl in pink then why not? If you want to dress your little boy in why not? If some of you feel that their outfits must be gender neutral then go for it!
I hope you are ok OP x x

If you want to dress your little girl in pink then why not? If you want to dress your little boy in why not? If some of you feel that their outfits must be gender neutral then go for it!

A 10 second google would tell you “why not”. The short answer is that it is the slippery slope of limitation for both sexes. But yeah, why stress about that?

I hope your baby is happy, healthy and snug in your womb.
Get over it , so called, disappointment and concentrate on being a good parent.
You owen that’s to the child , he owes you nothing.

@NeedAnExpert
Ok, but classifying your child as ‘gender neutral’ is also putting them into a category; ‘boys’, ‘girls’ and ‘gender neutral’. The choice you wish for your child is personal and you base how you ‘categorise’ your child on what you believe. It just seems that those who question the choices of others and feel the need to push their views onto others, prove themselves to be more narrow minded which goes against everything they are trying to preach?!

Why did you have all those 4D scans? Was there something wrong?

I can see why the op is upset if u think your having a girl then get told its a boy or get told your having a boy then its a girl it would be the same feeling u would feel a kind of loss.i think once he is here she will be fine its just the shock.
I would be the same for the clothes just because i like my boys in grey blue all in one outfit and girls in pink dresses,im not a fan of gender neutral clothes,we all are different in what we like our babies to be in but will say my baby is 13wks and the first 8wks she was in babygrows for comfort.
Op you will feel better once he is here boys are just as lovely as girls, very cuddly and mummy's boys.

Oh bless you. I do understand and, as unfashionable as it is, I did have some brief gender disappointment after finding out my second DC was DS2 rather than DD.

I can honestly tell you though, he is 18 now, and has been (and continues to be) the most amazing child I could have hoped for. He is completely & utterly different to DS1. They could not be more different if they were different sexes.

Also, today at work (nurse), I have met a heartbroken woman who has recently delivered her stillborn baby at 32 weeks. So I do also totally understand those saying that a healthy baby is what matters here. I'm sure in time you will come to know that too.

I was told at a nuchal scan at 13 weeks that I was having a girl. At 32 weeks I was told it was 100% a boy. It was indeed a boy. As soon as he was born any conflicting thoughts/upset etc went out of my head. He was perfect. Don't worry, as soon as you get more used to it you'll forget how you feel today :)