Misdiagnosed gender - mentally coping

[McleanJ]

Hello,

I am now 29 weeks pregnant. From our 20 week scan we have been told we are having a baby girl. Once by NHS and again flippantly when we went for a 4d scan ‘oh it’s definitely a girl’
Today I took my parents for another 4d scan to see the baby only to find out our baby girl is a baby boy. I was pretty distraught and we were sent away for a tea and told to go back and double check....it’s a boy.

Initially I didn’t even want to find out as I wasnt too fussed (I kept telling myself) but my husband was desperate to and seeing as I get all the firsts I let him find out then he surprised me with a gender reveal balloon. It was such an amazing day as secretly all I ever longed for was a girl and my dreams were coming true. I’ve bonded with this baby as a girl, her nursery is beautiful and I went crazy with her clothes as have my friends and family. We have just had the most beautiful rose gold and black glitter travel system and pink car seat delivered. All now that needs changing.

Of course all we long for is a healthy baby and from the few people I’ve managed to tell I keep hearing what you’d expect. I should count myself lucky etc etc which of course I know, but the mental toll of having something I believed was one thing actually not being there is pretty devastating. We’ve talked about our hopes and dreams for her. We’ve stood in her nursery teary just in disbelief it was all happening. I feel like I’m grieving for her when she never existed to begin with.

I don’t know what I want/need to hear but needed to write down my thoughts. I haven't stopped crying since and can’t bear to go near the nursery. I’m worried I won’t bond with the baby as I already feel different but hoping this is just shock.
It feels like a very cruel joke and karma for being so ecstatic to begin with 😔

Strip out gender stereotypes and consumerism and you will feel much better. Every child is different from what you expect. Inside you are still the person who didn't want to know the gender, get back in touch with that part of yourself. I didn't want to know for my 3 children, no reveals, no baby showers, no gifts in advance. In fact mostly hand downs as we didn't have much money and other things were more important. They were healthy, loved and happy - that's all that matters.

There is no predicting what a child will be like in character. I had DS1 and then DD. Thought DD would be different from having a little boy. She isn't. She is a very independent, strong little character (almost 3) who has spent the last 6 months dressed every day in shorts or shorts and thick tights with a navy blue jumper. She will not entertain cute dresses. She is totally uninterested in the toddler ballet class her cousin goes to and after two weeks of being bored said she was not going. She likes running round the garden and park, spiders, ducks, throwing stones in the sea, digging holes and drawing and painting on a roll of lining paper. Hates having her hair brushed and won't have ribbons or slides so it is cut in a short bob. She is quite wild. I don't know why she isn't girly but she isn't.
You might have had a girl like her.

There have been studies on gender disappointment at birth. As much as other people may tell OP to get over it, gender disappointment can have serious consequences for the parents and baby. It was found that mothers who had received an incorrect determination of fetal sex by ultrasound experienced marital conflicts and domestic violence. The incorrect determination of fetal sex by ultrasound has implications that can affect the mental and psychological health of the mother and the upbringing of the newborn baby.

Ok, but classifying your child as ‘gender neutral’ is also putting them into a category; ‘boys’, ‘girls’ and ‘gender neutral’. The choice you wish for your child is personal and you base how you ‘categorise’ your child on what you believe.

My child not categorised as Anything other than “human child”. Why should her options be limited by societal stereotypes? She plays rugby because she likes it (and because her school doesn’t believe in limiting children either).

It just seems that those who question the choices of others and feel the need to push their views onto others, prove themselves to be more narrow minded which goes against everything they are trying to preach?!

I just can’t see any justification for trying to fit babies into stereotypical boxes even before they are born. In what way does it benefit a girl to be dressed in pink/dresses/wear headbands?

My child not categorised as Anything other than “human child”. Why should her options be limited by societal stereotypes? She plays rugby because she likes it (and because her school doesn’t believe in limiting children either)

Slightly off topic and just my opinion but I honestly think this lack of direction and identity is a major factor as to why there are so many mental health problems around young people today. I know this will be unpopular on MN but i honestly believe kids have no idea who they are now or how they fit into the world and I don't think that's a good thing.

I'm 37 and was brought up wearing pink and playing with dolls. So what? I was still allowed to choose my own path and as soon as I was old enough to choose, I started living in tracksuit bottoms and football shirts. I preferred teenage mutant ninja turtles to Barbie dolls and have gone on to have a career in a traditionally masculine field despite reading fairy tales about princesses. I'm still a female and being treated as a girl when I was a baby/young child had no impact on my character whatsoever. I have never once been limited by 'societal stereotypes' and I have had no mental health issues through my life at all.

Boys and girls are not the same. I believe that 100%....even if you have an effeminate son or a 'tomboy' daughter, they're still boys or girls. That doesn't mean either sex is superior or should feel limited, it's just a basic fact....and (MY OPINION) is that denying this fact or trying to ignore it to make all kids the same is going to have huge repercussions on our children's generation and beyond.

Boys and girls are not the same. I believe that 100%....

What does that actually mean though? There’s no difference between their brains at all at birth (any “gendered learning” is merely conditioning). Hearts are the same. Internal organs the same. Their genitals are different.

So in what way are they different?

(I have other theories about the rise in mental health which are far more compelling than children having certain colour restrictions! Will post those later if I find time.)

My DD is finding her place in the world. She has a very scientific/maths focused mind and a collection of LOL dolls that would put a YouTuber to shame. She went through a Disney princess phase but now won’t go near anything pink. I genuinely don’t understand why dressing her in pink as a baby, rather than all the colours of the rainbow (including pink) or buying her a pink bouncing zebra rather than a black and white one would have benefitted her?

that denying this fact or trying to ignore it to make all kids the same is going to have huge repercussions on our children's generation and beyond

If you have girls in one field and boys in another, then anyone not in one team is seen as odd.

If children are treated the same, boys liking pink, dolls, prams and girls allowed trains and dinosaurs, they will all be allowed to be who they want to be. They have more choice.

They can build in a level playing field

Exactly GreenTuplips

My expected dd was a ds. What a shocker. Didn't find out til he was born! Like you we had shopped ott.
As a 'consolation' prize, ds slept all night from 2 weeks old and has been the most laid back of my dc!! He is 16 now and laughs about when her was a girl!!
I also felt like I needed dto grieve in soem odd sense. We were using 'her' name and such like!!

What does that actually mean though? There’s no difference between their brains at all at birth (any “gendered learning” is merely conditioning). Hearts are the same. Internal organs the same. Their genitals are different

Actually, that's not entirely true. Numerous studies have shown differences between girls and boys brain function and development from a very early stage before any 'gendered learning'. Boys and girls are not the same. They think differently, they process information and emotions differently, they learn differently and at different rates.
Physically, there are obvious differences not just limited to genitals and reproductive organs. There are differences with body composition, bone density, muscle composition, physical strength....it's why males and females don't compete against each other in competitive sports for a start. If you go for any blood test, you'll find most markers have different 'normal levels' for males and females and don't even get me started on hormones! Boys and girls are not the same and trying to treat them so can be extremely damaging.

(I have other theories about the rise in mental health which are far more compelling than children having certain colour restrictions! Will post those later if I find time.)

I tend to speak as I find. I encounter a lot of young people in the course of my work and have met many gender neutral and non-binary teenagers and young adults. One thing I've observed about them all is that they all have some sort of mental health issue and, on talking to them, they seem lost and without any real sense of identity. I don't believe it's a coincidence.
And I'm not talking about kids just having 'certain colour restrictions' (I couldn't care less what colour a parent wants to dress their baby in) I'm talking about the whole concept of not being attached to any gender and being a 'human child' instead of a girl or a boy.

Of course I also have lots of other theories about what else has led to this increase in mental health issues too....this is just one factor....but I don't want to veer too far off topic.

I genuinely don’t understand why dressing her in pink as a baby, rather than all the colours of the rainbow (including pink) or buying her a pink bouncing zebra rather than a black and white one would have benefitted her?

It wouldn't have benefitted her. Nor would it have hindered her. That's the point, it doesn't matter either way....if people want to dress their kids in pink or blue they should be free to do so without criticism. They're still a boy or a girl, with or without the stereotypical colours. In my experience, kids don't have lifelong issues associated with being dressed in certain colours as a baby. The problems seem to arise when kids are told they are 'neither' or encouraged to choose whichever they want to be at a very young age. God knows what I would have said if you'd asked me who i wanted to be as a pink hating, boisterous, boyish youngster!
It's our responsibility as parents to help our kids learn who they are, to steer them and embrace their differences....whether gender related or just in their own individual strengths/weaknesses/interests.

So, linking back to the OP, I get it. She thought she was having a girl but now she's found out it's a boy and she's in shock. Boys and girls are not the same so it's taking her some getting used to. Understandable......whether or not she went a bit far with the pink thing is irrelevant really and besides the point.

Anyway, It sounds like your DD has a great balance and is finding her own way in the world and learning what she does and doesn't like....just like I did as a little girl. Gender should never hold anyone back. Good luck to her....it's a crazy world out there now lol.

If children are treated the same, boys liking pink, dolls, prams and girls allowed trains and dinosaurs, they will all be allowed to be who they want to be. They have more choice

They are too young to be making such a huge, life altering 'choice'. That's the point. They are children. They need their parents and society to help them understand who they are and how they fit into the world.

Boys who like pink and dolls and prams are still boys. Girls who like trains and dinosaurs are still girls.

For a very tiny minority of people, they find they have been born in the wrong body and they need help to deal with that but declaring every child on the planet as gender neutral is not the answer. It's damaging....I've seen it first hand.

Oh OP, what a shock for you. It’s completely natural to feel the way you feel. Especially as it’s not just the ‘idea’ of having a girl, you’ve bonded with an actual individual who wriggles around inside you 24/7.
And yes of course, we all really just want healthy babies but it’s a HUGE change to get your head around.
I didn’t find out the sex of either of mine but first time round I desperately wanted a girl because like you I was worried I wouldn’t bond with a boy. We had a boy and I will openly admit to a fleeting sense of ‘argh what do I do now’ feeling when my husband had told me we had a son. Let me tell you though that little boy absolutely stole my heart. He is 5 now, we are soooo close and we have an incredibly close bond.
Second time around I wanted another boy because I thought I knew how they tick. DD was born 9 weeks ago! Hubby and I were both surprised and again I felt the dread, followed immediately by overwhelming love. I absolutely adore her.
What I’m trying to say is yes, the practicalities in terms of purchases are pretty inconvenient/expensive and a pain to sort but give it some time and I guarantee that little dude will creep right in to your heart. I can’t really explain the love you feel when you become a mum but as soon as he arrives you won’t twice about it...plus there are some incredibly cute boys clothes too xx

OP this will be a story you tell for years and years to come, and you will laugh. I know it doesn't feel like it now. Send things back if that's what you need to do and choose you new bits for your boy. Boys are awesome, promise

I expect a lot of your reaction is shock. Completely understandable but it’s far from a disaster.

Let yourself adjust, and don’t bury your disappointment about the girl you thought you were expecting. At the same time remember that the most important thing is that you have bonded with your baby regardless of sex. The little person in there hasn’t changed — your expectations have. Children continually challenge their parebts expectations, yours has just started early. Once your baby is here, you will not believe you ever thought you wanted anyone else.

And, as other posters have said, our views about gender are completely miss leading. By all means put your baby boy in the pram you like — you’re the one pushing it around! And if you like the nursery — keep it as it is, you can redoecorate it when your baby is big enough to choose things he likes. Far from the cars/football/boxing themes society pushes at little boys, my son filled his bed room with cuddly animals that he looks after as if they were his own children. Your baby will surprise you in many ways - is just the first xx

@McleanJ

Don't feel bad for feeling this way at all, I've always wanted a daughter and tried for 3 years to fall pregnant, told myself my baby was a 'she' and I imagined all the baby girl pinkness etc. Had a gender scan a couple of weeks ago and he's a boy.

I was pretty crushed so I can't even imagine how you feel! Quite traumatic for you. Many, many women feel this way and that's without being told the wrong gender initially so don't beat yourself up please.

I have been told by loads of mums that the minute you hold that little bundle none of this will matter anymore.

Big hugs to you xxx 😘

For a very tiny minority of people, they find they have been born in the wrong body

How can anyone be born in the wrong body?! How would you know? Is there a test you can do to find out. How would you know what the right body is? What if I feel I should have been born a penguin? Or an otter? I don’t, because I only know what it’s like to be me in this body. But it’s a bizarre concept biologically and psychologically.

Boys who like pink and dolls and prams are still boys. Girls who like trains and dinosaurs are still girls.

They are LITERALLY being told otherwise at present by schools and others who have fallen down the woke rabbit hole of trans rights.

By Stonewall’s definition my wearing of trousers and owning more tools than my husband makes me trans whether I want to be or not.

How can anyone be born in the wrong body?! How would you know? Is there a test you can do to find out. How would you know what the right body is? What if I feel I should have been born a penguin? Or an otter? I don’t, because I only know what it’s like to be me in this body. But it’s a bizarre concept biologically and psychologically

I wish I had the answers to your questions but I don't. I was replying to a PP and was very obviously referring to those people who undergo a sex change and go on to state themselves that they feel they were born in the wrong body. Maybe that seems bizarre to you but it's very real for a small minority of people and it's probably not something you should joke about.

@NeedAnExpert fortunately that's not the case where I live and I don't fall into the trap of believing everything I read online.

My own personal view is that boys are boys and girls are girls: equal but different. After that, I'm not bothered about what colours they wear or which toys they play with or whether they like football or ballet.....gender shouldn't hinder them or repress them in any way but likewise it's not something to be hidden away or ashamed of. If you choose to raise your children as gender neutral then that's fine. It's absolutely none of my business but likewise you should respect that not everyone might agree with you or your views.

That's life.

Op, I’m sorry your upset.
I didn’t find out what I was having at my scans. I had an emergency c-section as the babies heart rate was dropping I was terrified. When he was born I thought they said it’s a boy, then after he was checked over and brought to dh baby was wearing a pink hat. I thought ah, a girl. I was overjoyed to have a healthy baby. Eventually I managed to whisper to dh is it a boy or girl, he looked at me as though I was a lunatic. I genuinely didn’t care, I had a baby and he was okay. And I’ve never felt such a rush of love.
What I’m trying to say is once you hold your precious bundle it won’t matter, but I do understand why you are upset.
All the very best with the rest of your pregnancy

very obviously referring to those people who undergo a sex change

You can’t change sex. You might look a bit more like the opposite sex, but you can’t replace your DNA to make you a different sex. If the future archaeologists will still sex bodies using DNA but note that the body had a fake vagina. Less than 5% of males who say they are trans have any surgery at all. Even for those that do, turning a penis inside out does not make them a woman in the scientific/dictionary sense of the word.

You do seem to conflate sex and gender. My daughter will have to deal with periods soon, which her male classmates won’t. She won’t have to deal with wet dreams or her voice breaking. So absolutely she as a biological female is different to a biological male. Biology = sex. There is no link between sex and gender than societal expectation and stereotypes.

Gender and sex are different though. Gender dictates that she should like certain things and not like others. That she should be encourage to be a certain way and not others. So gender neutral isn’t about denying that she is biologically female, it’s about saying that having periods shouldn’t stop her from doing anything she wants to! There’s nothing biological about a new born baby girl that means she should be dressed in pink. If you choose to, fine, but other than signalling to the world that she is a girl and should therefore be treated differently, what’s the benefit of doing that the majority of the time?

Watch “No More Boys and Girls” if you want to see more of this sort of stuff. The way babies assumed to be male are played with compared with those assumed to be girls by strangers is startling.

Literally, everything @Sweetpotatoaddict has said! 🙌🏻

You can’t change sex. You might look a bit more like the opposite sex, but you can’t replace your DNA to make you a different sex. If the future archaeologists will still sex bodies using DNA but note that the body had a fake vagina. Less than 5% of males who say they are trans have any surgery at all. Even for those that do, turning a penis inside out does not make them a woman in the scientific/dictionary sense of the word

I'm confused, weren't you the one saying earlier that there is no difference between babies born male or female except for their genitals? Now you're agreeing with me that boys and girls are genetically different, both physically and mentally? We're going round in circles haha.

Anyway, i feel like we've gone way off topic here discussing sex change operations....you seem to have completely missed the point i was trying to make, either deliberately or otherwise, and have gone off on a bit of a tangent. That's a whole other subject and one I don't profess to have any experience or knowledge of whatsoever.

Gender and sex are different though. Gender dictates that she should like certain things and not like others. That she should be encourage to be a certain way and not others

Gender and sex are different but they are not mutually exclusively and they're equally as important in helping a child find their identity. I completely disagree about gender dictating certain things....that was the point in my original post. I was brought up wearing pink and playing with dolls but equally I was encouraged to be myself and no-one batted an eyelid when I chose to wear tracksuits and play with teenage mutant ninja turtles instead! Reading fairy tales didn't lead me to believe I had to be rescued by a prince to achieve anything in life. It's just a colour....or a toy....or a story. I was born female and my gender has always been female (even during my seriously tomboy stage). Nothing was impacted good or bad by wearing pink or not wearing pink. If someone wants to dress their baby girl in a pink hairband and a tutu....so what! Who are you to say if that's right or wrong?

So gender neutral isn’t about denying that she is biologically female, it’s about saying that having periods shouldn’t stop her from doing anything she wants to!

No, gender neutral is saying boys and girls are the same. They should dress the same, like the same things, play with the same toys and act the same way. As if, somehow, by being a stereotypical girl or boy, they won't be able to achieve whatever it is they want to achieve. Absolute rubbish.

It's almost like you're sending the message to your DD that being female is inferior and the only way to achieve anything in life is to dress and act more 'neutral'

I don't need to watch any programmes on this, I've seen with my own eyes the impact being gender neutral or non binary has had on the teenagers and young adults I've met.

Now you're agreeing with me that boys and girls are genetically different, both physically and mentally?

Mentally?! I’ve never said that.

No, gender neutral is saying boys and girls are the same. They should dress the same, like the same things, play with the same toys and act the same way. As if, somehow, by being a stereotypical girl or boy, they won't be able to achieve whatever it is they want to achieve. Absolute rubbish.

You seriously need to educate yourself. That ISN’T what gender neutral means AT ALL.