Misdiagnosed gender - mentally coping

[McleanJ]

Hello,

I am now 29 weeks pregnant. From our 20 week scan we have been told we are having a baby girl. Once by NHS and again flippantly when we went for a 4d scan ‘oh it’s definitely a girl’
Today I took my parents for another 4d scan to see the baby only to find out our baby girl is a baby boy. I was pretty distraught and we were sent away for a tea and told to go back and double check....it’s a boy.

Initially I didn’t even want to find out as I wasnt too fussed (I kept telling myself) but my husband was desperate to and seeing as I get all the firsts I let him find out then he surprised me with a gender reveal balloon. It was such an amazing day as secretly all I ever longed for was a girl and my dreams were coming true. I’ve bonded with this baby as a girl, her nursery is beautiful and I went crazy with her clothes as have my friends and family. We have just had the most beautiful rose gold and black glitter travel system and pink car seat delivered. All now that needs changing.

Of course all we long for is a healthy baby and from the few people I’ve managed to tell I keep hearing what you’d expect. I should count myself lucky etc etc which of course I know, but the mental toll of having something I believed was one thing actually not being there is pretty devastating. We’ve talked about our hopes and dreams for her. We’ve stood in her nursery teary just in disbelief it was all happening. I feel like I’m grieving for her when she never existed to begin with.

I don’t know what I want/need to hear but needed to write down my thoughts. I haven't stopped crying since and can’t bear to go near the nursery. I’m worried I won’t bond with the baby as I already feel different but hoping this is just shock.
It feels like a very cruel joke and karma for being so ecstatic to begin with 😔

I have a great photo of DS1 wearing his little sister's tutu...

I wished for a girl and was thrilled when DD’s sex was confirmed.

I’m a carrier for the illness that caused my brother’s death a few hours after birth and would more than likely do to any baby boy I gave birth to. Just in case that gives you some context.

Bless you. I'd normally tell people to be thankful of a healthy baby if they're disappointed about the sex. But I think deep down this isn't that you're disappointed about baby being a boy but because you've invested so much into a baby girl that doesn't exist. Though of course your baby is still the same baby, and you do love him, you just need time to process that he's a he and not a she.

@NeedAnExpert You're right. I wasted so much money on "cute" outfits the first time around. They were a complete pain in the ass. This time I'll just be buying babygrows - they're ace (missed them so much after my son passed that age).

@McleanJ, I can relate to where you're coming from. If they told me mine were a boy or girl, then further down the line said "oops...". It's a different picture to get your head around. I have had MCs, and I will be over the moon to have a healthy baby, but you do kind of hope if you're told it's a boy or a girl you can rely on that. I think that's fair enough!

Sex. Not gender.

we do have a wardrobe full of tutus

But you could just as easily have had a girl who hated ballet and tutus. Tutus! Completely impractical for a baby.

You might need to watch that you don't pass on your own gender stereotypes to your son. Perhaps he will like ballet, not football...

I'm so sorry to hear how sad you felt, and it's understandable that you started imaging a little girl after the mis-information you were given. It must have been a shock.

However, in the kindest possible way, please please re-assess your choices on colours, pink, tutus etc to identify a girl and so on. It's not about people "not agreeing" with your view. It's about you unconsciously perpetuating gender stereotypes, which will define your child's life. You should allow space for your child to develop their own sense of why they are and what they like. Please don't rush out and buy blue things or insist your son plays with trucks etc. There is a patriarchy which exists and we don't need to reinforce it if we don't have to.

I can imagine it would be difficult to get your head round being told the wrong sex, it might help to remember he is who he's always been and never was who you thought?

Although I have no clue why anyone would need one tutu for a baby let alone a whole wardrobe full, probably the most impractical and uncomfortable clothing you could put a baby in.

Tutus, coordinated pink nursery, tonnes of clothes.... Your baby does not care about any of this. None of it will make them happier. The most useful things we did to prepare for baby were a parenting course, breastfeeding class, a baby first aid course and strengthen our marriage. All these things have helped our baby's wellbeing. I would focus on doing what matters in raising a child well, not novelty clothes and gendered furniture. Your baby will want little more than milk and cuddles in the first few months.

There will be challenges much more difficult than this in raising your child, and you really do need to learn how to deal with disappointment better.

My son loved a tutu, used to wear one over his spider man outfit!

I think that’s rough, OP. I’m sorry. It wouldn’t have mattered if you’d known it was a boy from the start, but being told it was a girl and picturing a girl, and now having that torn away from you - yes I think that’s a lot to take in.

You’ll adjust and a boy will be absolutely wonderful, but for the next week or so of course it will be a shock. Just focus on the practicalities of sending back/exchanging things you want to exchange -as PPs say, you don’t have to but, given the deeply entrenched gender stereotypes in our society, you’ll be forever explaining a boy in a pink carry seat so I for one understand why you’d want to swap for a more neutral colour (and yes I have boys and yes they can wear any colours they like and yes I dress them in pink and they have buggies and kitchens to play with, yadda yadda, but imo you should do what makes you comfortable as a new mum, and if that is swapping the colour of the travel system to one which ensures every single stranger doesn’t peer over the top of it and say “aww what’s her name?” and remind you of the fact you thought you were having a girl, then I’m all for that).

There are some fab boys names out there - once you’ve got over the shock, why don’t you have fun with your other half picking out some names for your darling boy.

Maybe I used the word tutu incorrectly.
But anyway, my friends and family actually got me these items as well as many ‘practical’ pieces of clothing too. Not that I should need to explain.

Thank you for all those with supportive things to say. I won’t be checking this post again as the judgement is real, I should have kept my feelings to myself. Thank you.

And don’t worry the baby will of course be loved after suffering loss ourselves. It’s just a very strange situation and mentally something I never expected.

OP, I had horrible experiences of brothers and male cousins growing up and convinced myself I could never love a son. They were alien creatures to me. Bad tempered, selfish, uncaring, etc etc.
Imagine my surprise at having the most special bond with my baby boy. He was honestly the most incredible baby, toddler, infant and child. He is nothing but a blessing.

Maybe take some time to adjust- you are growing a human and that is the miracle. You may put a lot of associations in the daughter category, but it's the bond, personality of the child and your love and investment that matter. Everything else is by the by. Why not go neutral with everything this time, as you never know what subsequent children you have will be...?

please please re-assess your choices on colours, pink, tutus etc to identify a girl and so on. It's not about people "not agreeing" with your view. It's about you unconsciously perpetuating gender stereotypes, which will define your child's life. You should allow space for your child to develop their own sense of why they are and what they like. Please don't rush out and buy blue things or insist your son plays with trucks etc. There is a patriarchy which exists and we don't need to reinforce it if we don't have to

This, 100%

In a few years time you'll probably have a daughter to add to your family.

Sons are wonderful. So are daughters.

I had no scans in three of my four pregnancies as I didn't want to know the sex and wasn't interested in anomalies.

I only had a scan with the fourth baby because I was bleeding (at 27 weeks) and it was important to find out why.

I don't understand why people have loads of scans when they're pregnant and there is some evidence coming along which suggests that it is not good for babies brains to be scanned frequently. Completely unnecessary IMO.

there is some evidence coming along which suggests that it is not good for babies brains to be scanned frequently.

Believed it can cause left handedness too. (I’m a leftie - it’s not a disability in most scenarios - but interesting that scans might have such an effect, I think.)

I was told my third was a girl at my 20 week scan, a few weeks later we were told we were having a boy!
DS wore pink/lilac babygros as he had his sisters hand me downs.

My girls have different personalities and DS is more like his eldest sister than my two girls are alike.

Tutus

I do feel for you op but you seem to have this want for dressing up a cute little girl in sparkly tutus and pushing round a pink pram and decorating the nursery with unicorns. This really isn't what having a baby should be about. It's not a doll!!!

I have no words!

You raise children to be children! Any pink fluff was thrown to the back of the wardrobe and never worn by DD. I hated all that princess crap.

Move on OP all babies need the same thing, love warmth and food.

You need to get a grip and stop just paying lip service to being 'thankful' for a healthy baby.

It is a shock, it is okay to feel shaken by it. Don't rush to do anything, give yourself time to think it through.

When the shock has worn off I am sure you will be very excited to welcome your son.

Of course all we long for is a healthy baby act like it then fgs you have a healthy baby. Any number of issues could have been identified at the scan.

In all honesty OP half of the stuff that gets bought for a baby won't get used anyway, so I wouldn't worry about that.

I get it OP. You form a mental image of what your DC will be like, what they look like, their personality etc. But having done it twice now, I have found the children I mentally pictured having and the children I have had are very, very different. I suppose it was easier once I actually had them and was just relieved they were safe. I then didn't mind they've not got my hair colour and they look more like my DH than me. I still see in my mind the little girls I was going to have. My sons are nearly 5 and 7 now! I can't ever say I've felt anything close to loss about it though. I do feel sad I won't have a daughter, but I also have undying love for my wonderful boys.

I’ve never been told for definite always just it could be.. and this is why I think. In fact with my second they refused to tell me at all even when I said I know it’s not 100% they said they weren’t allowed to say anymore.

Why are you changing the pram and car seat? It sounds pretty neutral anyway. The pram is for the parent really, not the baby. The look of it I mean, not the practicalities of one.