Misdiagnosed gender - mentally coping

[McleanJ]

Hello,

I am now 29 weeks pregnant. From our 20 week scan we have been told we are having a baby girl. Once by NHS and again flippantly when we went for a 4d scan ‘oh it’s definitely a girl’
Today I took my parents for another 4d scan to see the baby only to find out our baby girl is a baby boy. I was pretty distraught and we were sent away for a tea and told to go back and double check....it’s a boy.

Initially I didn’t even want to find out as I wasnt too fussed (I kept telling myself) but my husband was desperate to and seeing as I get all the firsts I let him find out then he surprised me with a gender reveal balloon. It was such an amazing day as secretly all I ever longed for was a girl and my dreams were coming true. I’ve bonded with this baby as a girl, her nursery is beautiful and I went crazy with her clothes as have my friends and family. We have just had the most beautiful rose gold and black glitter travel system and pink car seat delivered. All now that needs changing.

Of course all we long for is a healthy baby and from the few people I’ve managed to tell I keep hearing what you’d expect. I should count myself lucky etc etc which of course I know, but the mental toll of having something I believed was one thing actually not being there is pretty devastating. We’ve talked about our hopes and dreams for her. We’ve stood in her nursery teary just in disbelief it was all happening. I feel like I’m grieving for her when she never existed to begin with.

I don’t know what I want/need to hear but needed to write down my thoughts. I haven't stopped crying since and can’t bear to go near the nursery. I’m worried I won’t bond with the baby as I already feel different but hoping this is just shock.
It feels like a very cruel joke and karma for being so ecstatic to begin with 😔

Find the humor. Have a chat with him about his tutu collection . Then dive into all things adorable cute little boy.

My boys are the loves of my life. They are SO much fun.

Congrats OP

It’s a shock to the system, really yes you could dress your baby in lion costumes till they’re 2 and they wouldn’t give a flying fuck but it’s a thing for us to enjoy as their parents. Every time ds wears a yellow/lemon set of something he gets she, he’s 10months old n bald so really unless you’ve wiped his arse you’ve no clue until told.

Black and rose gold pram still sounds lovely, assuming the frames rose gold and the seats black it’ll not be overly pink.

Ds also has “girls” clothes, jeggings/baby grows/leggings and other bits I liked but I still wouldn’t put him in a tutu unless he was able to pick it out.

Once he’s here it’ll probably all feel silly, it’s the reason (or one of) that our trust won’t tell us the gender.. better just not knowing.

I know it's a shock, and it's true that you do bond with the baby you imagine you are carrying, but in the nicest possible way please give your head a wobble! (And I do mean that nicely! Gender disappointed IS a thing, and it needs to be worked through - it's genuinely hard).

However, you are incredibly lucky to be pregnant. I've had 7 rounds of IVF and 4 miscarriages. No, that does not mean it's not ok to feel how you're feeling, but I'm telling you that in case it helps you put it into context.

Truly, when your lovely DS is born you won't give a fig whether he's a boy or girl, you'll be smitten with him! Good luck with it all, don't beat yourself up about your feelings, and I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy.

I can't believe people are ripping the OP to bits! How awful of so many of you telling her to 'act grateful' I lost my baby girl not even 3 months ago and I wouldn't dream of bringing someone down like some of you have. Shame on you.

OP, I would definitely change all the stuff! Embrace him being a boy and go all out, it'll distract you immensely. Put all your efforts now in everything for a boy, and have whatever you like, whatever makes you feel better. If that means changing the pram etc then do it. So what.

I was certain my beautiful DS was a girl and was very upset at the 16 week scan to be told he was a boy. What helped was immediately immersing myself in getting ready for a 'him' and picking a name fairly soon. It helped me bond.

For clarification, I am a neutral lover 😍 So most things I loved/love are white or cream anyway and would work for either sex.But those subtle blues were lovely to buy too.

He's 2.5 now and most of his things are still very classical and could do for either sex.

Think white pjs, little classic traditional baby stuff. And for a more laid back look, we love simple denim shorts/jeans with a plain white top. He looks lovely all the time.

I love my boy and he's such a mummy's boy. Obviously every baby regardless of sex is different, but a lot of girls I know are very demanding emotionally and more independent

Give your head a wobble, but less gently than previous posters have suggested. You didn't have to go bonkers with pink everything- it's a small mammal you'll be bringing in to the world not a girl's world doll. You don't know who this baby will be, but you never did because they surprise you and they are unique. Get your feelings out by all means, then work on getting over them because you are being blessed with a healthy child.

Ah OP, I am so sorry you are feeling this way and I don't blame you one bit for coming on here and getting all the emotions you are feeling out on this thread. It's healthy to write it down and talk about it and admit things anonymously that maybe you don't even want to admit to your partner or family. You need an outlet.

Nobody can appreciate what you are feeling unless they have experienced it themselves.

A friend of mine went through the exact same thing a couple of years ago. They were told at several scans from 20 weeks onwards that they were having a girl....they fully embraced that, chose the name, told everyone, bought things, decorated etc then she gave birth to a perfect little boy! Shocked was not the word!
It took some adjusting but she didn't really have time to dwell on it as she had her newborn baby to think about. He's such a beautiful little boy, she quickly bonded with him and everything that needed to be exchanged got exchanged with minimal fuss, family and friends rallied round9. It's a story to laugh about now but she does admit to occasionally wondering what it would have been like to have the girl they thought they were expecting (they have 2 sons).

As for all the 'what does it matter about colours of the clothes/pram/nursery' and boys and girls not being any different etc. I just want you to know, i get it.

Of course all we long for is a healthy baby
Well that's not true is, you said you secretly longed for a girl.
I don't think you can misdiagnose a baby's sex can you, it's not a diagnosis because it's not identifying an illness.

I do understand that thinking you were having a girl after scans is different from just wanting a girl; you will need time to "grieve" for the girl who was never there. Not because you didn't want a boy, but because you were told you were having a girl and made her real in your hearts and heads.

We never found out what we were having and bought gender neutral newborn clothes, pram etc. Genuinely seems short sighted to buy "gendered" large items unless you are definitely having no more children. Do people who bought a pink pram for their firstborn daughter then buy a whole new pram for their secondborn son, or put him in the pink pram?

I can understand your shock and disappointment, but 'We’ve stood in her nursery teary just in disbelief it was all happening' seems a such disproportionate reaction from you and your husband. Are you guys just really emotional people or do you think you would both benefit from talking to someone eg a psychologist in real life? Congratulations on your healthy baby boy :)

@RealPill I can, unfortunately. They're obviously illiterate though, seeing as OP checked out a long ago.

So, I 39+1 expecting a baby girl. She has the following -

1. A gray hand me down crib from DS
2. All of DS old sleepsuits and vests and some extra ones I bagged on an NCT nearly new sale.
3. A black pram system from NCT sale
4. A range of “outfits” bought off eBay in red green orange black and yellow.
5. DS Old blankets some blue some gray some stained.
6. No nursery - as after 6 months she will go in DS old cot in spare room.
7. A black car seat from Halfords.

I’ve also however got a book list in mind for us to read - with DS too - in time. We’ve got What Katy Did, Anne of Green Gables, Northern Lights, Little Women. I do want to tell her all about Anne Shirley Cuthbert and her free soul, about Jo March and her writing, about Lyra Belaqua and her explorations.

She will be fine with her hand me downs and she never needed a pink car seat, a wardrobe full
Of tutus or a glitter pram. Why would she? DS didn’t need any of that - or cars and dinosaurs.

I think you’ll find that your diasappointmet is linked to your ideas about what girls should be like (pink; glitter; delicate ness; princessy) rather than what an individual child is or might be capable of.

I secretly wanted a girl and talked myself into having a boy... nearly fell off the table during the twenty week scan when they confirmed she was a girl.
I now have my hands full with the most tomboyish two year old, football is her favourite hobby, I keep getting nice dresses sent to me from well meaning relatives that she will never wear... she loves mud and dirt and is literally happiest when wearing her wellies and digging for worms..:
just be happy that your baby is happy and healthy!

Everyone needs to lay off the OP here, she's not saying "I wanted a baby girl and now I've found out I'm having a boy I don't want him" she's saying she spent 1/3 of her pregnancy thinking she was having a daughter and now that's changed. Of course she will love her son but it'll take a little time to change the picture she has in her head.

I'm a properly evil cow though I dreamed of having a daughter and on the lead up to my scan I was scared that I might be having a boy. DS is now 8 weeks old and I can't imagine having any other child but I had those feelings.

I’m desperate for a baby. Be thankful you are having a child at all.

We’ve talked about our hopes and dreams for her

Are these any different now you know your baby is a boy? They shouldn't be.

I have a boy. He'll be the only child we have. He goes off to nursery in his rainbow trousers, he wears pink tops, plays with dolls as well as dinosaurs and trucks... Don't be part of the problem. Treat your baby as an individual rather than a stereotype

We have just had the most beautiful rose gold and black glitter travel system and pink car seat delivered. All now that needs changing
Why? The baby won't mind. Boys are just as likely as girls to like rose gold and black glitter and pink.

This happened to my friend after four boys they were told it's a girl! She had a traumatic birth including the midwife sodding off just as the baby flew (yes he really came out at speed) out dad caught him she went into shock then they realised he was a he and everything was pink not just pink but PINK the shops refused to take it back so she went to the papers baby dressed in blue surrounded by a sea of pink the shops exchanged the lot as a "goodwill gesture"

I should add she bonded fine with him after she recovered from the shock

Have you considered therapy, OP?

“Misdiagnosed”

Cancer gets diagnosed.

Biological sex is not a disease.

You’re being utterly ridiculous.

Though I expect this thread will shortly be deleted due to the OP having “concerns”.

I was so sure my little girl would have a sister it genuinely never occurred to me my second dc could possibly be a boy. I was genuinely shocked at my 20 week scan. No agenda. My girl was never a pink princess. I do not know why it was such an uncontemplated possibility to this day.

My little boy has completed our family. His big sister adores him, we cannot imagine life without our ridiculous boy

All will be well.

This is totally outing as I've told a million people this story but with my third child I found out what sex they were at the 20 weeks scan, a first girl! I was SO excited although being superstitious I didn't shop much for her. As I also had a high risk for Downes syndrome I had another detailed scan and again there she was. All through labour the midwives were talking about 'her' and 'she'. When she was born the midwife chuckled to herself and said and asked if I wanted to see what I'd got. Of course it was a boy, but the magic is with him right there in front of me all I could think was "oh it's YOU, of course it is, who else would it have been" he was just so right and perfect.

Just one time in France a little girl the same age who had Downs Syndrome and curly red hair ran past me and I did a complete double take but apart from that my none existent daughter hasn't crossed my mind. Sometimes 'finding out' can be less helpful! The moment you hold him for the first time this will all be a tiny memory.

I'm more shocked that at 28 weeks you've already bought so much for the baby and decorated the nursery that this is an issue!

Also surely they told you at the scans that they can't be 100% accurate? They stressed that with us each time and even joked about not painting the nursery!

I would probably be feeling the same if I found out weeks later I’d been told the wrong sex- although that would be the case with either gender. It’s one of the reasons I decided not to find out before birth. I know it can be accurate but I have heard numerous stories of people being told the wrong sex.

I can understand to a degree why some people wish to find out but personally for myself I just didn’t see the point. I know people who will book a private sexing scan at 16 weeks for every pregnancy and place such emphasis on finding out the sex straight away then everything from clothes to nursery decor to practical equipment is full-on pink or blue. I had a lot of comments when I chose not to find out about ‘Oh I couldn’t do that I have to be organised!’ How does it make any difference to how organised you can be? Other than choosing a name- but it just means picking two names as it’s going to be one sex or the other.

OP at least you have found out now, if you hadn’t have gone to this 4d scan you’d probably have found out at the birth. I know it just be hard but you can get your head round it and be at one with everything by the time you give birth. Were they absolutely certain you are having a little boy?

It is shock. Don't worry. I was like it with both of mine. Neither of mine were mistaken but it was almost like my brain didn't accept I was pregnant until I heard it was a girl/boy. That is why I needed to find out at week 20. Once I would hear I would feel numb. I would not have liked to carry those feelings of shock whilst holding a baby in my arms, and all those sleepless nights. It took me probably 2 to 5 weeks to get over the shock.
You're allowed to feel shock, and pain. It will pass.