Misdiagnosed gender - mentally coping

[McleanJ]

Hello,

I am now 29 weeks pregnant. From our 20 week scan we have been told we are having a baby girl. Once by NHS and again flippantly when we went for a 4d scan ‘oh it’s definitely a girl’
Today I took my parents for another 4d scan to see the baby only to find out our baby girl is a baby boy. I was pretty distraught and we were sent away for a tea and told to go back and double check....it’s a boy.

Initially I didn’t even want to find out as I wasnt too fussed (I kept telling myself) but my husband was desperate to and seeing as I get all the firsts I let him find out then he surprised me with a gender reveal balloon. It was such an amazing day as secretly all I ever longed for was a girl and my dreams were coming true. I’ve bonded with this baby as a girl, her nursery is beautiful and I went crazy with her clothes as have my friends and family. We have just had the most beautiful rose gold and black glitter travel system and pink car seat delivered. All now that needs changing.

Of course all we long for is a healthy baby and from the few people I’ve managed to tell I keep hearing what you’d expect. I should count myself lucky etc etc which of course I know, but the mental toll of having something I believed was one thing actually not being there is pretty devastating. We’ve talked about our hopes and dreams for her. We’ve stood in her nursery teary just in disbelief it was all happening. I feel like I’m grieving for her when she never existed to begin with.

I don’t know what I want/need to hear but needed to write down my thoughts. I haven't stopped crying since and can’t bear to go near the nursery. I’m worried I won’t bond with the baby as I already feel different but hoping this is just shock.
It feels like a very cruel joke and karma for being so ecstatic to begin with 😔

It's isn't a diagnosis. An illness is diagnosed. Sex is observed. So much overdramatisation. First world problems.

My friend had thins but didn't find out he was in fact a boy until birth.. She had pink bedding, pram clothes bedroom the lot..
She had no choice tmbut to use it or waste it. As mamas and papas wouldn't refund or exchange her pram and would never of got her money bk selling it elsewhere

I didn’t find ‘neutral’ clothes difficult to find. A good deal of the ‘boy’ clothing in shops was basically bright colours, primary colours and different prints that were absolutely suitable for a girl. You really don’t have to go all pink, girly and tutus at all.

OP is long gone but people need to think before commenting.
Feelings are relative to each person and situation. A bit more kindness wouldn't go amiss sometimes.

Fgs people get a grip. I would not buy ALL pink stuff for a boy (hence why I would completely support OP in changing the clothes). Why? Because I would not want to explain to everybody that baby is a boy and not a girl. Under two years old, baby does not know any better so it would only be a pain for me to having to clarify sex/pronouns to everybody.

Also, while I would be perfectly happy and supportive if I had a boy and he liked pink and ballet and CHOSE to wear it, I would not expose him to ONLY pink since birth. Why? Because I might bias his color choosing in future and he might have a darn hard time being bullied at school for wearing pink, which is something he did not choose but just got used to be dressed in.

Perhaps there's a lesson here in jumping ahead and buying EVERYTHING at an early stage, decorating the nursery and so on. I've expressed sympathy for the OP in the simple initial shock of the change which demanded a change in expectations, however I don't think "devastation" is a justified level of response in the grand scheme of things.

Because I would not want to explain to everybody that baby is a boy and not a girl. Under two years old, baby does not know any better so it would only be a pain for me to having to clarify sex/pronouns to everybody.

Is there a reason that you think it’s important that strangers can identify your baby’s sex on sight? Unless you think girls and boys should be treated differently from birth (and there’s loads of evidence showing that they are even before birth - including in this thread) what does it matter?

“Cute baby. What’s her name?”
“Matthew”

@GingerRogers84

OP is long gone but people need to think before commenting.Feelings are relative to each person and situation. A bit more kindness wouldn't go amiss sometimes.

Would you give the same advice to the op, who is posting on a website full of women who are struggling to conceive, who have had miscarriages, stillbirths, babies with severe life-limiting conditions, and op is kicking up a huge tantrum because she's bought a wardrobe full of tutus and rose gold pram?

Honestly tutus are impractical for newborns anyway as are fussy outfits like dresses or even jeans. Newborns are best in babygrows, they’re just far more practical. The pram and car seat sound fine, it’s just a colour after all and the baby won’t give a toss.

Perhaps we should go back to the days where nobody knew the sex until the baby was born, I think it’s far easier in many ways.

FWIW my daughter (who I was convinced was a boy throughout pregnancy and didn't even consider girls names) refused to wear skirts from before she was one, once she discovered crawling and skirts / dresses doesn't work well. At 20 she still almost never wears a skirt or dress, . Total tomboy and prefered anything with wheels or animals/tractors to anything pink/fluffy/dolls etc. Still refuses to wear pink.

NeedAnExpert

Wouldn't say it's important (in the grand scheme of things) they can. But is it a pain if they can't and if instead of saying "cute baby" they say "what a lovely little girl", I would then need to correct them. At the 50h comment I would probably be extremely bored (at best) and annoyed (at worst). Reality is, the strangers in question would not make an unreasonable assumption, considering pink pram and a pink tutu. This is because how many mothers dress their boys with tutus? 1 in 10000? Chances are low.

Furthermore, the less discreet would then start asking about my choice of color. Conversations which I probably would be sick to have after the first time.

Long story short, while imposing gender stereotypes is wrong, I think it is equally wrong to impose the opposite gender stereotype. Makes everybody's life difficult and not sure how much good it achieves.

@ScarlettBlaize

@Enwi was spot on with that analogy. By your logic, she agreed with the decorator they'd paint her house white, came back and it was painted red, and isn't allowed to complaint because someone else's house burned down.

I've had MCs. I don't find this OP's in the least bit offensive, because my losses have absolutely nothing to do with this.

@ScarlettBlaize

Would you give the same advice to the op, who is posting on a website full of women who are struggling to conceive, who have had miscarriages, stillbirths, babies with severe life-limiting conditions, and op is kicking up a huge tantrum because she's bought a wardrobe full of tutus and rose gold pram?

The world is stuffed to the brim of people who've experienced different things. I'm not saying that her issue is anywhere near the same level as some other women's issues BUT it's still something she is experiencing.
Rather than getting immediately outraged and mean we could just give constructive and kind advice. It goes a long way further than just cutting someone off because you don't feel they have the right to be upset about something when someone has experienced worse.
This is a forum where all should be welcome.

I'm not 'outraged'.

And of course anyone can post whatever they want. I can moan about the slow service on my first class flight to St Lucia if I want, or Louboutin being out of my size in stilettos. I wouldn't expect kind, gentle sympathy though.

On the very slim chance that this is a genuine post, I think it is astonishingly superficial, insensitive and narcissistic, and the list of material items that are clearly prioritized over a healthy child is sickening

I feel so sorry for the baby. A disappointment before he is even born!

I feel for you OP.
You will love your baby boy just as much as you’d have loved a daughter. Let yourself grieve the idea of having a daughter, but also look forward to the baby boy you’re having. When I was having my first I thought I wanted a daughter because of the relationship I have with my mum. I had it in my head mums were closer to daughters (I’m an only child so don’t have a brother to compare relationships with my mum) anyway, my son is 4 and he’s everything I wanted in a child which made me realise their sex just doesn’t matter at all, each child is different.
One day you’ll probably look back and laugh.

Hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well!

Some of you may remember the sad post a few days ago from a woman pregnant with twins. She had just found out at her twenty week scan that both were boys. There were a number of posters who encouraged her to have an abortion (she would not have made the time limit thank goodness).
Parental expectations are dangerous

@ScarlettBlaize

These posts in this forum are but a tiny snippet of a person. All I'm saying is we should be a bit kinder with our words and that it's all relative.
No doubt she will love that baby boy just as much as a little girl. 😊
Maybe give her some benefit of the doubt rather than being so strict with judgement. But each to their own.

It sounds like you want the interior decor, colour of the pram and style of outfits associated with a girl. None of what you’ve said actually relates to the child themselves. Apart from colours and dresses, what do you think you’ll miss out on by having a boy instead of a girl? My experience is that it’s pretty much the same.

@needsanexpert why is it utterly ridiculous?
I wanted to buy neutral clothing but there was fuck all to buy, therefore the girls clothing we bought is way more 'girly' than we intended. I don't give a shit that it's pink, the kid could wear some of it - but we couldn't afford to replace it all.
Did I say I wouldn't want my kid because I couldn't use the clothes? No, I said I'd be annoyed I spent a lot of money on clothes I probably couldn't use. Your comment is pointless and utterly ridiculous

By the way, we bought in advance due to closing down sales etc so that we could 'save' some money in the long run, as many people do. We didn't buy them because we so desperately wanted a girl that we couldn't cope if it wasn't a boy like the OP (who you haven't called utterly ridiculous).

Things that are ridiculous:

• Assigning colour to sex. Colour is a natural phenomenon. We don’t segregate fruit by sex (bananas for boys, oranges for girls) so why does it happen with colour? (Not to mention that it plays into the hands of corporations who love that you will buy different things for siblings of different sexes. £££££)

• Using colour to differentiate between sexes. The only difference between baby boys and girls is where the pee comes out. Why would you need to categorise that for the world unless you think it means they should be treated differently? And if you look at how they are treated differently (so in a way which perpetuates harmful gender stereotypes and sexism) why would you want that?

• buying different sorts of clothes for newborns. What is the male equivalent of a tutu? Don’t think there is one. A tie, maybe? No reason for impractical baby clothes to exist at all. Baby needs/wants warmth and comfort. That’s it. Not frills or sequins. That you say you couldn’t use everything you had bought for a baby boy even after removing the colour issue shows how ridiculous this is.

Every person that goes in for these gendered colours/items causes utter shit to be produced, like pink globes, chemistry sets etc. Do you really not see it?

@Ariela interestingly same with my DD. I was convinced she was a boy and also didn’t have a solid girls name. She hates pink, blue is her favourite colour and she doesn’t like dresses or skirts.

@NeedAnExpert, learn to @ people so they actually get your response notified.

I don't have any sequins or fucking tutus, I'm not a moron. But there are quite a few dresses - you might want your kids laughed at and the constant questions from people so you can have a go at (bore) people who believe in genders, but I can't be arsed explaining why my boy always wears dresses.

Did you even bother to read my post? I tried to get 'neutral' clothes as I prefer yellows etc anyway (I'm not at all 'feminine' or 'girly' myself and don't agree with makeup etc as it's a bag of bullshit used to make women feel they have to look good for men).
I COULD FIND SOD ALL. It's practically all girly and frilly with little to use that is neutral - there's definitely a big divide between boy and girl clothing at the moment and I would have thought that in this age of gender-neutral bullshit being dragged out every week that neutral clothing would be more of a 'thing'. Seems it isn't.

I don't have glittery clothes, sequinned stuff, tutus, blah blah blah and yes, I even bought some 'boys' clothes as they were nice and practical. So get off your high fucking horse and complain about something more important than me buying a handful of dresses that may somehow make my unborn child feel like she'll be born a girl rather than a genderless unsegregated fruit

Not really sure how my purchase of a few dresses will mean that I buy pink everything as she gets older (ie the scientific sets you mentioned) especially as I don't agree that there is any need for items to be gendered - you've just assumed I would, based on me buying some pink clothes that I couldn't get in yellow.

Have you taken your placard to toy shops to complain about this awful gendered construct you're so up in the air about? If you have, can you add on my disgust that girls are bought dolls and expected to play mummy. I think that's far more damaging than a girl wearing a dress.

This is part of the reason I left it as a surprise!

I feel for you because you had prepared mentally for a girl and that's been turned on it's head. Once you can get past the change, you will be happy with your sweet baby boy when he's in your arms. I'd try and change the clothes etc and maybe just buy some neutral necessities. When he's born you can go shopping

There is nothing wrong with having a pink car seat for a boy. I would however think that it was secondhand or from a sibling.