Misdiagnosed gender - mentally coping

[McleanJ]

Hello,

I am now 29 weeks pregnant. From our 20 week scan we have been told we are having a baby girl. Once by NHS and again flippantly when we went for a 4d scan ‘oh it’s definitely a girl’
Today I took my parents for another 4d scan to see the baby only to find out our baby girl is a baby boy. I was pretty distraught and we were sent away for a tea and told to go back and double check....it’s a boy.

Initially I didn’t even want to find out as I wasnt too fussed (I kept telling myself) but my husband was desperate to and seeing as I get all the firsts I let him find out then he surprised me with a gender reveal balloon. It was such an amazing day as secretly all I ever longed for was a girl and my dreams were coming true. I’ve bonded with this baby as a girl, her nursery is beautiful and I went crazy with her clothes as have my friends and family. We have just had the most beautiful rose gold and black glitter travel system and pink car seat delivered. All now that needs changing.

Of course all we long for is a healthy baby and from the few people I’ve managed to tell I keep hearing what you’d expect. I should count myself lucky etc etc which of course I know, but the mental toll of having something I believed was one thing actually not being there is pretty devastating. We’ve talked about our hopes and dreams for her. We’ve stood in her nursery teary just in disbelief it was all happening. I feel like I’m grieving for her when she never existed to begin with.

I don’t know what I want/need to hear but needed to write down my thoughts. I haven't stopped crying since and can’t bear to go near the nursery. I’m worried I won’t bond with the baby as I already feel different but hoping this is just shock.
It feels like a very cruel joke and karma for being so ecstatic to begin with 😔

I am so sorry. I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling. Have you been offered or have you considered some counselling? It might really help you and help prepare you for the birth.
💐

Biological sex is not a disease.

No. But being a rude, sanctimonious arsehole appears to be though, and it's apparently rife on this thread.

I believe OP left numerous unpleasant comments ago.

In fact with my second they refused to tell me at all even when I said I know it’s not 100% they said they weren’t allowed to say anymore

Because girls are second class and propel abort in the sex of the baby. Or strangle it during birth - happens a lot

I’m glad they refuse to say at some hospitals.

Sorry if this has already been answered as I haven’t read the entire thread, but was the most recent scan only in 4D?

My sonographer told me that you cannot identify sex from a 4D scan alone. It’s clear why... there’s lumps and bumps all over the place! Our one of DD1 looked like she had a strange lump on her stomach. There was no lump, it’s just the way the machine works.

I’d be devastated too, and I’m so sorry. But I’d also be a bit hesitant to believe the last scan over the other two. Sex doesn’t necessarily get easier to see as the pregnancy progresses- the genitals become more in proportion to the body so not more visible, and as baby becomes bigger it’s harder to see specific body parts etc. Xx

I believe OP (original post/poster) left numerous unpleasant comments ago

Good. Maybe not posting will give her a bit of time to think about what she’s “distraught” about.

The same day she had her scan, women were being told their babies had serious complications, or had died, and she’s moaning because her glittery pink pram won’t “go”.

Sickening.

Devastated is what you feel when your baby is found to have died.

Devastated is what you feel when it has a condition that is incompatible with life.

It is not what you feel when it is found to be the opposite sex.

I can totally understand your feelings. I think changing the things you’ve bought and redecorating the room is a good idea, so you can move forward.

The lady next to me in the postnatal ward had a boy, when she’d been told it was a girl. She was annoyed about the wasted money, but bonded very well with her baby.

My mum when she was having me 47 years ago, thought it was only one child right up to 8 months pregnant, only to be told she was expecting twins. Now that’s what I call a shock! 😆

But being a rude, sanctimonious arsehole appears to be though, and it's apparently rife on this thread.

Indeed.

OP gone.

That's all, folks.

I’ve always wondered whether these ‘gender’ scans are entirely accurate. Then people have gender reveal parties, and I wondered how it would pan out if the scan was wrong.

OP you’re female so keep the pink stuff if YOU like it !
I have a floral carrier for my ds I figured that I was the one wearing it so I could choose the print. He wears leggings with hearts on too technically from the ‘girls’ section and he looks adorable in them

I can see why you’re up sort as you were told twice you were having a girl but it will be ok xxx

Oh dear x this happened to someone I know too, the baby was then very ill at birth so she developed a sense of perspective pretty quickly x

I think it’s normal to feel a bit stunned and shocked, give yourself time and I’m sure you’ll be fine :) and congratulations on your little boy x

As someone who had a very sick baby at birth, I think the comments about you being grateful for what you’ve got are ridiculous.
I was expecting a little girl, and if I had found out she was a boy I would have been very upset. It would OBVIOUSLY have paled in comparison to how upset I would be about having a sick baby, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be upset about it isn’t the first place. Should I not have been upset about having a sick baby either because some people have twins and therefore two sick babies? Where does it end?
If I was expecting my house to be painted white, got home and it was painted bright red should I be grateful it wasn’t burned to the ground?

I hate phrases like 'why do you care about the sex, the baby needs loving just the same'. This is such an obvious, ridiculous point to make. OF COURSE all babies need love.

Equally, people should stop projecting their own views on the OP, who is quite clearly dealing with disappointment. Sex disappointment is a real thing, regardless of peoples views on it.

Surely the point is to be accepting, not to force view points on someone.

@Enwi I think you hit the nail on the head.

Except that if someone said they thought they were going to paint your house white, and it looked like white paint, but they couldn't be 100% sure so wait and see for confirmation, then you wouldn't be quite so shocked if it didn't turn out white.

@MyOtherProfile When I was told the sex of my baby, she said "and there's the penis", which is fairly conclusive. There was no disclaimer.

That's quite odd. Both times for us and for all the friends I've discussed it with they have been very clear that it isn't 100%. Particularly if they think it's a girl apparently. Less so if they think it's a boy for obvious reasons.

Someone I know was having her third child, after a 10 year gap and two girls, and told it was a boy. Her husband was from a culture that supposedly values sons more than daughters, so he was particularly pleased and vocal.

Turned out to be a third girl so it was a bit of a surprise but no problem. That girl is now about 15 years old and of course has been much-loved by all from the minute she was born.

I don't know which is better, prior knowledge or a surprise!

This is something I'm worried about myself, I don't know what we'd do if we found out now that our baby girl is actually a boy. I'm hoping we can get clarity on today's scan but I know it can still be wrong. They were very insistent it was a girl at the first scan - showed us the 3 lines that are the ovaries etc.

I can understand why you'd be upset, we've fully prepared for a girl and both 100% prefer it to be a girl. I wouldn't be devastated though, just a little annoyed. I guess our issue would be more about the finances as 90% of the clothes and accessories we've bought would be no good. We aimed to buy neutral but the clothes selection was minimal.

Someone I worked with had a misdiagnosis recently. The hospital were adamant that the baby was a girl all the way through then on the day it was due the scan showed it would be a boy. They had bought everything from mamas & papas, who very kindly swapped all their girls stuff for boys.

@MyOtherProfile That makes sense.

Ah, you jumped the shark with the tutus.

I guess our issue would be more about the finances as 90% of the clothes and accessories we've bought would be no good. We aimed to buy neutral but the clothes selection was minimal.

Based on colour? Don’t you see how utterly ridiculous that is?

I totally get the shock

I’ve been told I’m having a girl at 20 weeks

We’ve sorted out all the clothes from dc1 who is a boy and donated everything that isn’t gender neutral (so kept jeans, jumpers hoodies etc)

I’m bit worried that the same could happen and all of a sudden we’ve got rid of a load of stuff.
Either way it doesn’t matter. I’d love a girl for selfish reasons really. But I’d also love my son to have a brother and I’m definitely having no more than 2 children