Misdiagnosed gender - mentally coping

[McleanJ]

Hello,

I am now 29 weeks pregnant. From our 20 week scan we have been told we are having a baby girl. Once by NHS and again flippantly when we went for a 4d scan ‘oh it’s definitely a girl’
Today I took my parents for another 4d scan to see the baby only to find out our baby girl is a baby boy. I was pretty distraught and we were sent away for a tea and told to go back and double check....it’s a boy.

Initially I didn’t even want to find out as I wasnt too fussed (I kept telling myself) but my husband was desperate to and seeing as I get all the firsts I let him find out then he surprised me with a gender reveal balloon. It was such an amazing day as secretly all I ever longed for was a girl and my dreams were coming true. I’ve bonded with this baby as a girl, her nursery is beautiful and I went crazy with her clothes as have my friends and family. We have just had the most beautiful rose gold and black glitter travel system and pink car seat delivered. All now that needs changing.

Of course all we long for is a healthy baby and from the few people I’ve managed to tell I keep hearing what you’d expect. I should count myself lucky etc etc which of course I know, but the mental toll of having something I believed was one thing actually not being there is pretty devastating. We’ve talked about our hopes and dreams for her. We’ve stood in her nursery teary just in disbelief it was all happening. I feel like I’m grieving for her when she never existed to begin with.

I don’t know what I want/need to hear but needed to write down my thoughts. I haven't stopped crying since and can’t bear to go near the nursery. I’m worried I won’t bond with the baby as I already feel different but hoping this is just shock.
It feels like a very cruel joke and karma for being so ecstatic to begin with 😔

I don't need to watch any programmes on this, I've seen with my own eyes the impact being gender neutral or non binary has had on the teenagers and young adults I've met.

Afraid you’ll be proven wrong?

Tell me more about these individuals. What’s your role, and was gender the only thing affecting them? Not social media? Not an education system that doesn’t meet the needs of the individual? Not parental neglect/abuse? Just having the complete range of experiences available to them? Pull the other one.

It's almost like you're sending the message to your DD (darling daughter) that being female is inferior and the only way to achieve anything in life is to dress and act more 'neutral'

Would you like a video of her singing “Who Run The World?”?!

It’s not about encouraging her to be neutral. It’s about saying she can wear/try whatever she wants. Girls weren’t allowed to play rugby when I was at school. That’s changed. Boys couldn’t play netball. That’s also changed. The sports are now sex/gender neutral. It doesn’t mean boys and girls in the same teams, it doesn’t mean the boys have to wear netball skirts and the girls jockstraps. It means that every child has a choice of sports to play.

This is exhausting.

Boys who like pink and dolls and prams are still boys. Girls who like trains and dinosaurs are still girls

Yes but society show x pink toy is girls only and the blue toy is boys only. The sparkly T-shirt’s are found in the girls section, the bright colours in the boys section.

Kids ‘know’ they have been excluded. It’s only recently Lego for example have made pink Lego to be inclusive of girls. I know I wasn’t brought any! It was seen as a boy toy.
Same with Mechano or trains.

Rather than market a toy to both sexes they now make a song and dance about a girls version and a boys version.

@NeedAnExpert I genuinely think that half of what you're saying is the same as what I've been saying and you're just enjoying the debate 😂 that whole bit about wearing and trying anything your DD wants is exactly what I was saying earlier! I even gave the example that I wore pink as a baby and had dolls but then became a tomboy and now have a great career in a male dominated industry! The point being that gender has never held me back. Nor did wearing pink as a baby or playing with 'girls toys' and I played girls football as a child.

I agree, this is exhausting.

I'm losing the will to live a bit and aware we are going waaaaay off topic here but just very briefly;

Of course there are so many other factors that lead to mental health issues but I'm specifically talking about young people who classify themselves as gender neutral, gender fluid or non binary and their issues directly relating to their own sense of identity. Every single person i have met who identifies themselves this way also had mental health issues. Read into that what you will.
Christ, if we were going to go into all the issues faced by young people these days we'd be on forever. I don't envy them!

Im not sure you fully understand what gender neutral is to be honest. You're getting quite defensive about it but all you're actually saying is that you let your child wear what they want, play with whatever they choose and follow whatever interests they enjoy. That's how it should be....whether or not you put your baby in a pink or blue babygrow.

As for 'afraid I'll be proven wrong' there is no right or wrong. There is simply my opinion and your opinion. Both of which are equally valid.

Greentulips that's the wrong way round surely. I played with Lego in the 70s, it was multi coloured and suitable for all. Pinkifying it had the effect of setting it apart - so "normal" Lego was now boys Lego

@GreenTulips I don't disagree with what you're saying but my response is 'so what?'

So what if there are stereotypical girls and boys clothes or toys?

I'm 37 and preferred teenage mutant ninja turtles and Garfield to dolls and barbies. I was dressed in pink as a baby but as soon as I was old enough to choose it was tracksuit bottoms, trainers and football shirts. I also played girls football at school.

I never cared one iota if the toys I liked were in the 'boys' section or the tv adverts suggested all girls should wear pink and love unicorns. It honestly never occurred to me to mind.

It's a modern thing to be so offended and politically correct all the time and to try and put labels on everything.