Mother in law pulled out of childcare?

[Youngdoginthevillage]

Hi new poster on here, lurked for a while but looking for some impartial advice.
Me and my partner have been looking at trying for a baby in the next 12 months . His mother had said that she plans to retire in the next 24 months and had many a time said that she would cover childcare. On this we planned two days with her, two days with childminder and me returning four days a week. We could afford this. However this weekend she has accepted a promotion at work meaning that she has committed to four years full time, by that it puts us back a couple of years for having our first child. She openly says - oh I’ll be ready to be a grandma by then. But to be honest I’m upset as I’m ready to be a mum now, or within the next few months and it feels a massive blow to have to wait two more years before we can try for a baby. We couldn’t afford four days a week child minder, I have no family within 200 miles. I’m just unsure on what to do and looking for some perspective? Should we wait the extra two years before trying knowing that we would have support with childcare or start as planned and cripple ourself financially?

You cannot rely on your MIL for childcare before having a child. It just doesn't work.

What if she doesn't want to retire in 4 years? Or meets a Turkish waiter on holiday and moves to be with him? Gets a temperamental rescue rottweiler?

You can either have a baby with your own resources or not at all.

You shouldn’t have any children if you can’t afford them without relying on family , what would you do if his mother became unwell and couldn’t look after the child ?

I don't think you should base starting a family on whether Mil can provide childcare. What if she changes her mind? What if she decides to work another 5 years?

Don’t have a baby if you are reliant on family for childcare
Anything could happen, you need a plan B or stay childless I’m afraid

Are there any other ways you can cut costs?

UK holidays only, go down to one car, budget food shopping, move to cheaper area? Were you going to use the tax free childcare scheme? As we find that really helps.

The long and short of it is that you can't have a baby until you can afford to pay for the childcare you require.

By we could afford, selfishly I mean we could afford our current lifestyle and have a child. We can 100% afford a child and full childcare it would just mean a large amount of sacrifice. I think because it’s been said for so long that she would care for them a few days a week and that she would “love to” ect that I’ve planned our life around that.

Kids are more affordable than you think, have you looked at compressed hours so 5 days but work over 4 and nursery fees. Or going part time.
Have you looks at a repayment break on mortgage so paying interests only for a couple of years to make up shortfall.
Loads of people do this to make ends meet.
My mom and my mil. Provide zero free childcare unless it's for. A few hours in the evening or on a Saturday for me to sleep, clean paint house or whatever. Normal. Working week no. Both are retired and live local. They just don't wnat to.

I think you should start as planned tbh. Stuff can always change. Maybe your mum won’t be able/ want to do it in four years anyway. Maybe something else will come up etc. I think if you are ready to have a baby now then do so but look at alternative arrangements for childcare. This could include changing your working patterns, looking for a new job, being a stay at home parent for a while, moving elsewhere in country etc. My mum always wanted to do child car for mine- but then my dad got sick and it just wasn’t practical.

Have you factored in the help you will get with childcare costs and the extra benefits you may get? I don't think anyone thinks they can afford to have a baby and it usually works out fine! We put off having a second child for years and ended up with a surprise baby. It turned out fine.

I do agree with the other posters though, you defo shouldn't be planning a family relying on someone else.

You have to be able to support your own children. It’s lovely if family can help out but you have to be able to cope without it.

Let’s be brutal about this, what if she gets diagnosed with cancer next week and is dead in 2 tears?

You cannot base your decision to have children on the willingness of someone else to look after them.

@PerfectPeony2 Yes totally! We’ve looked at tax free childcare and my workplace offers amazing maternity pay. I think we’re trying to weigh up if it’s worth a couple years of cutting back, or a couple years of waiting?

You may be entitled to uc which would help towards childcare costs , but also can you start saving now . Both take extra jobs ? Cut back ?

People change their mind, their circumstances change. It's inconvenient yes and you probably want a bit of a moan, but she hasn't done anything wrong.

God forbid anything happened to your MIL, then what? Having a baby should be based on your circumstances - not relying on others who may or may not be able to help out. I would look at other options, be it lessening your days, nursery (if cheaper than a childminder) etc and IF she decides she's ready to do it then use it as bonus help not the be all & end all.

As everyone else has said you can't rely on someone. So if you really want a baby and you can financially do it, then do it.
If you look on here, many people struggle with the dynamics and consequences of having a DM or MIL doing some of the childcare . It is Often more straightforward (albeit expensive) for someone independent (nanny, nursery , childminder etc) to look after your child.

I suppose it depends how old you are if waiting few years will make a difference. If you are in your late 30's you might be as well to crack on and try but if you are in your 20's it may be better to wait a bit.

You’re being ridiculous, relying on your mil. What happens if your mil moves, or devotes health problems? If you can’t afford childcare or for one or both of you t9 cut your hours, then you can’t afford a baby. Work hard, try for promotion, new qualifications or a better paid job, then think about babies. If you can’t afford care for a child, then you’re not ready for one.

You have to make financial sacrifices to have children.

Basically you are expecting your MIL to give up her retirement so you can maintain your current lifestyle?

That's really not fair. Expect to pay for your child yourself, and then any favours family do for you are a bonus for however long they last.

Being blunt you cannot rely on your MIL (or family) to provide care for your kids! If you want then you have to pay for them and if that means cutting back your life style then that's what happens 🤷🏻‍♀️

I always think you have to be ready to be utterly selfless when you have kids. If you're not ready for that then your not ready for kids

I wouldn't factor in family as part of routine childcare. Read all the posts on here with people struggling with well meaning parents and parents in law not having the same parenting style as they have. Plus looking after kids can be knackering - I don't want to do that when I retire!

So you can afford it but it would mean "sacrifice". That's what having children means, though. You can't plan based around someone else and your MIL is entitled to do what she wants.

It might take you 2 years to conceive anyway, it did for us. Crack on with your own lives and if you want children sooner rather than later you'll just have to make sacrifices if you need to.

Don’t be so ridiculous op. Your mil could change her mind at anytime and for any reason about looking after any possible children.

When you have children there are sacrifices to be made

You are basing a life changing decision to have a child on whether or not you can get free childcare for 2 days a week from mil? Don't ever factor family or friends support into having children. People's lives change all the time and whatever support may be offered before the child is even conceived may well be off the table by the time the child arrives. MIL could drop dead a week before you go back to work - what would you do then? You need to factor all costs into your decision and that includes either full time childcare or you/Dh staying home to mind your child/or you both working shift work or part time so one or other is at home at all times.