Mother in law pulled out of childcare?

[Youngdoginthevillage]

Hi new poster on here, lurked for a while but looking for some impartial advice.
Me and my partner have been looking at trying for a baby in the next 12 months . His mother had said that she plans to retire in the next 24 months and had many a time said that she would cover childcare. On this we planned two days with her, two days with childminder and me returning four days a week. We could afford this. However this weekend she has accepted a promotion at work meaning that she has committed to four years full time, by that it puts us back a couple of years for having our first child. She openly says - oh I’ll be ready to be a grandma by then. But to be honest I’m upset as I’m ready to be a mum now, or within the next few months and it feels a massive blow to have to wait two more years before we can try for a baby. We couldn’t afford four days a week child minder, I have no family within 200 miles. I’m just unsure on what to do and looking for some perspective? Should we wait the extra two years before trying knowing that we would have support with childcare or start as planned and cripple ourself financially?

@KTCluck @HollowTalk Thank you

@Nanny0gg What an awful thing to say.

In the kindest way, plan having a baby around yourselves & affordability of having no support. Not because you don’t want to rely on it but because you just can’t.

My mum had my daughter two days a week for my first year back at work but suddenly became quite poorly and we’ve had to up nursery days. While thankfully she is now recovering, I feel I need to give her space to rest and not have a toddler hurtling at her at 100 miles an hour.

I have a group of mum friends & around half have grandparent support and half don’t. Those who don’t have had to sacrifice many aspects of their non child lifestyle but would happily give it all up so long as they have their previous children. Even with grandparent support, we’ve had to seriously cut back with my part time hours. We could do with a new car but we can’t afford one. We holiday in the UK, we rarely eat out unless you count lunch at softplay.. etc.

If you are not ready to give all that up yet then maybe wait a while. And at the end of the day, no-one knows if they are going to face issues conceiving. You can plan as much as you like but it could take you a year to even fall pregnant. Consider what’s most important to you at the moment. Children change your life dramatically. They turn it on it’s head. Work becomes less important (although not to say not important but your child just comes first), you spend your free time & money trying to entertain them rather than yourself & holidays are no longer holidays! Lovely, yes but you will not sit down & you absolutely won’t read a book or stroll through interesting cities. My first week back at work after our holiday this year was 10x more relaxing than my week in Cornwall!

Good luck whatever you decide!

Free childcare is never free.

Why? I do.

You cannot rely on other people. She might promise to leave work by x date, but it may never happen. By then it may be too late to have a baby.

Like you your Mil is an autonomous person who has the ability to change her mind and make spontaneous decisions.

One of the less attractive traits of parenthood is that the concept of the universe can suddenly become centred around parent/baby and we can make the error of thinking this responsibility also extends to other people. The reality is quite different so see this as a useful pre-baby wake up call.

If your Mil wishes to be an involved grandparent on her terms then it’ll be grand. Anything else is a bonus. Long-term free childcare with her in mind should absolutely not be considered as though set in stone since attitudes can change and stuff happens, relating to her life as well as yours.

Have the baby as soon as you want, growing up involves realising that if you are a parent that baby is your responsibility, whatever other people offers us a bonus and not to be relied upon indefinitely.

And yes, we all parents adapt our lifestyle to be able to afford the cost of bringing children into the world. It comes in the same pack.

Op my advice would be never to rely on childcare from any one other than an actual provider. My mil was going to look after our lo but changed her mind once he was here! We couldn't afford the childcare in the area and then owed my work the additional mat leave pay I had taken because we had agreed I would be returning.

@Nanny0gg
What the woman I see as like my own mother? Who I encouraged and supported to take her promotion? I have not once said that I am angry or resentful for her doing that, people on here including you have invented that in your own mind.
I have asked wether it is still worth waiting, or going ahead anyways.
She wants to help us, she wants to care for our future children and at present I would love her to also, as I trust her and have a good relationship. As others have said that could all change when the time comes and I am not naive to that. However stating you pity her based on me is absolutely vile and I won’t stand for it. Criticism I can take but belittling my relationship with her I won’t.

'As others have said that could all change when the time comes and I am not naive to that.'

The thing is, OP, it has changed (her promotion), it appears to have come as a shock to you and you haven't taken it well. You're backpedalling now because the thread hasn't gone your way.

I don't think I've ever read an OP so devoid of a sense of perspective. Like it or not, there's something very objectionable in lamenting a temporary reduction of lifestyle as 'crippling yourselves financially' because someone else has made an autonomous decision, to which they have every right, to pursue their own interests rather than making themselves available for your as yet hypothetical childcare. Your planned timescales seem to show no awareness of life's curveballs. You say you're aware of your privileged view on things, but I'm afraid that doesn't really come across.

@Cattestreet

Am I the first person to feel like the worlds caving in, get some other opinion/ a reality check and then come back with some perspective? Or would you rather I stuck to my initial thoughts and took nothing anyone said on board??

Can’t b***d win

I think the current age group of parents and prospective parents are so expectant of DM and DMIL to provide childcare. They are grandparents and maybe they want to be just that and not childcare workers.
Also if they are the grandparents many of them might be rather oldish such as well over 70, the majority will be over childbearing age. They are no longer as able and agile as they once were and care of DGC will be very tiring for them.
My own M is a very long distance away. I have a DSM who was almost on her knees trying to cope with childcare for her own DGC at the demand of her own DCs. She was expected to drop everything at a moment's notice to care for her DGC. When she got ill her DCs were nowhere to be seen. She is getting better now. I would never ask her to take on care of my DC but she does have them out sometimes but always at her request and not my demand.
Please think before you decide to have children and drop them with DGPs. If you have children you should change your life and lifestyle and spend time with DC. It is not a situation that pays well but the rewards are there.

@Youngdoginthevillage no you're not the first person to feel their world is caving in and yes it's all subjective to each person. Lose a pregnancy at any stage and then you'll know what your world caving in feels like.

Try talking to your MIL and partner about how you're feeling and what you want it might be better. Only then will you know whether to wait a bit longer or go ahead and try for a baby

I think suggesting that your world is 'caving in' over this is a little over dramatic to be honest.

@Ginger1982 have to agree

Earning £80k between you is irrelevant if he earns most of it, you are going to drop to four hours so take a pay cut and you are not married. Especially since nothing I’ve read implies you have savings.

You sound immature from your posts so I would look at the long term practical and financial impact on you in having a child with someone you are not married to far more than whether you want a child that you can only afford if you hugely change your lifestyle in a way you don’t want.

YABU to rely on anyone else to provide you with free childcare.

If I was you and I really wanted a baby I would sacrifice some of life’s luxuries and start trying. It might take you a few years to get pregnant you never know, you can never fully rely on others anything might happen to your MIL in 4 years time

I think people forget how terrifying the cost of children seems before you have them. Rightly, of course - but you just sort of adapt and get used to living with a lot less, and honestly, I'm not really sure we notice that much (too sleep deprived... ). I remember a couple of years agonising about whether we could actually afford kids or not. It was a huge anxiety, albeit worse off than the OP... but our housing costs may well have been lower, too.

Look into a childminder, OP, and they may surprise you in terms of how reasonable they can be. But it IS only a couple of years of that, before you get free nursery hours.

Never plan children with help from others in mind. I've had loads of help and am immensely grateful, but I know plenty of others who were promised help that never materialised. And sadly, she could be diagnosed with cancer tomorrow, or have a heart attack or stroke, too. Look on any childcare offered as a bonus, and live your life as though without it.

You feel like the world is caving in? Because you won’t be getting free childcare from your MIL?

Good grief.

@Flowery
No I was stating that’s how I WAS feeling prior to getting a reality check and thinking through the situation. Jesus Christ can’t even use a common phrase without getting shot down the neck

When I read threads like this I'm so glad both of my adult DC live too far away for us to offer regular childcare if and when they have children. We had no help when ours were young. MIL initially offered every Wednesday but then started saying "Now, I can't do next week because...…." and "We go away on holiday for 3 weeks next month" She didn't seem to understand I couldn't just phone the nursery and book DD in for odd days, so her helping was a non-starter and we just got on with it as most parents do. OP I really think you are over thinking this. Go ahead and try for your baby, it will be fine.

Hahahhaha (in the nicest possible way).

You are the parent of this imaginative child, not your mother in law and it's totally your responsibility.

Just get on with it!

You might not want to go back to work four days either, things might really change!

”No I was stating that’s how I WAS feeling prior to getting a reality check and thinking through the situation. Jesus Christ can’t even use a common phrase without getting shot down the neck”

Namechange fail?

I knew what you meant but I’ll rephrase if you need the tense to be correct:

You FELT like the world is caving in? Because you won’t be getting free childcare from your MIL?

Good grief.

Better?!