Mother in law pulled out of childcare?

[Youngdoginthevillage]

Hi new poster on here, lurked for a while but looking for some impartial advice.
Me and my partner have been looking at trying for a baby in the next 12 months . His mother had said that she plans to retire in the next 24 months and had many a time said that she would cover childcare. On this we planned two days with her, two days with childminder and me returning four days a week. We could afford this. However this weekend she has accepted a promotion at work meaning that she has committed to four years full time, by that it puts us back a couple of years for having our first child. She openly says - oh I’ll be ready to be a grandma by then. But to be honest I’m upset as I’m ready to be a mum now, or within the next few months and it feels a massive blow to have to wait two more years before we can try for a baby. We couldn’t afford four days a week child minder, I have no family within 200 miles. I’m just unsure on what to do and looking for some perspective? Should we wait the extra two years before trying knowing that we would have support with childcare or start as planned and cripple ourself financially?

I’d make the sacrifice if you want a baby now. Your life is actually quite limited when you have a little one anyway (in a good way..) which for us means eating out/ holidays aren’t how we spend our time anymore. We spend way less now.

Personally I would hate for MIL to provide childcare, she already has too much of an opinion! Our nursery is great and DD loves it. Obviously depends on your relationship with her but like PP has said, it can change the dynamic.

Basing your decision to have a baby or not on your mil's availability to look after it so that you can maintain your current lifestyle is frankly immature. How old are you? You sound selfish and petulant. Of course your mil should take a great opportunity with work and shouldn't be made to feel guilty about it. What if she quit work to look after your child then you decided last minute that you didn't want to return to work and were going to be a sahm?

You haven't mentioned the baby's father. He could work from home, flexitime, 5 days work into 4 etc. All the options are open to both of you. Don't rely on family.

Oh what a lovely problem to have

I wouldn’t be relying on your MIL. It’s not fair on you and it’s not fair on her. Plus once you have one child you nearly always want to give them a sibling. So you need to be thinking down the line too.

@s1naidsucks as my further message said - we can fully afford childcare and the cost of the child. That is not the question, the question is, is it worth taking the hit finically or waiting a few years.

Thank you everyone for your replies and I do take on board what is said about I’ll health and what if the worst could happen. Which if Fully understand we would have to deal with if it happened.
I guess it’s came as abit of a shock as we had a plan to stop contraception at Christmas, have next year to try and hopefully conceive a baby and that after my leave she would care for it 2 days week, 2 days childminder and it wouldn’t affect it us financially. However putting into the mix two years of full childcare costs and having to make a massive sacrifice made us think if we’re ready in a way?
We both have well paid jobs as well as we’re concerned we earn 80k a year between us. It’s more the balance of the sacrifice rather than the cost, which sounds so awful. I hope this is making some sense

I wouldn't wait to have a child.

My MIL did the same, always said she would do 1 day a week childcare, she's done it for every other grandchild, our dd was born and she decided she wanted time to herself. Fair enough...then she started looking after her other sons child instead!

You have to cut your cloth OP, if having a child means so much to you you would give up your current lifestyle to make it happen.

Your MIL has had her years bringing up children and now wants to focus on herself and planning for her own future (quite rightly) she should not have to factor in potential grandchildren. She may have said that in the past but circumstances and feelings change, maybe she hated her job but this promotion would make her work more enjoyable and give her more financial stability for her retirement.

It would be madness to delay solely based on this. Your MIL have already "let you down" once (I put that in quotation marks as I actually don't think she's being unreasonable to take a promotion over caring for as yet unconcieved GC), what's to say the goal posts don't change again in 2 or 4 years? I wouldn't blame her for not wanting to commit to providing childcare once she starts her retirement which has already been delayed somewhat.

Also making financial sacrifices is part and parcel of becoming a parent for most couples. That's why people save or go on bucketlist trips or have impractical cars before they start TTC, because we know it won't be possible once you factor in a couple of kids and childcare. Either you want a baby now enough to make those sacrifices or you don't.

You are being very unreasonable here.

We can 100% afford a child and full childcare it would just mean a large amount of sacrifice.
So MIL should sacrifice a promotion and raise because you may have a child at some point before those four years are up? Really?

think because it’s been said for so long that she would care for them a few days a week and that she would “love to” ect that I’ve planned our life around that.

Well you shouldn’t. You’re not even pregnant and you can’t predict the future. We have no family around and figured we could afford one child but then had twins, both twins have disabilities... you can’t predict life with children. You can’t rely on other people whose lives will not revolve around your plans. It’s not her responsibility and you have no right to be even slightly irritated.

Dont wait, in another 2 years anything can have happened.

Your MIL might be happy to look after a baby but struggle with a toddler etc.

Have the baby when you are ready to, assume you will pay for childcare, if you get help, great, but don't bank on it.

You earn £80k a year and you are worried that mil can’t look after a child that doesn’t exist for two days a week in the future. You know most families planning children are not in your privileged position but manage?

It’s your life, have the baby whenever you want (can).

It’s completely unrealistic to go by someone else’s lifestyle choice.

If you can afford to have a child I don't see why MIL taking a promotion (well within her rights to do) should delay things? Free childcare provided by family should be a bonus rather than an expectation.

I’m 27 and my partner is 33, we’re not basing on decision on her career of course we’ve said to her to chose what we is best and we’re happy for her. I haven’t placed this guilt on to her that’s why I’m having the conversation on here to gain some perspective.
I get on very well with my MIL and see her as my mother as I don’t see my own very often. She asked our option before taking the promotion and we said do whatever she feels is best for her, don’t take us into account so I’m slightly hurt you’ve suggested we put our needs before hers. The question in the post is wether to wait to have children until she take redundancy/early retirement or wether to have children as planned

Coming from someone who paid £1200 a month for 2 years, you’re either ready for a child and all the sacrifices you need to make - not just financial, but sleep and time too - or you’re not. On balance, you only pay that sort of money out for a couple of years, then the 30free hours kicks in and then they’re off to school. So either a child is worth tightening your belts for a couple of years for or not. If you’re not prepared to make adjustments to your lifestyle then you’re not ready for kids. MIL doesnt really come into it.

Honestly it doesn't sound like you're all that keen on having a baby - at least not right now.

Enjoy your money and lifestyle - once you feel ready to take the hit on your lifestyle you'll know you're ready for children.

Id be grateful if the grandparents even had my children for one house . We literally have zero help so count yourself lucky she is there to help even if it is in a few years xx

We can’t answer your question OP as we don’t have a break down if your finances. I would say find a way to have a child now that doesn’t rely on your MIL. If you wait and she decides to still be working full time for the next five years you are going to resent her.

What if she falls ill? What if she starts to provide childcare then for some reason can’t continue? It could get very messy if there’s no back up plan.

Why would you expect to maintain the same lifestyle after having a child? 🙄Having children is naturally all about sacrifices. I'm sorry but you sound like a twat. If you want a child and are prepared for the sacrifices that entails then have a child, if you don't-then don't.

You earn 80k between you and are relying on 2days free childcare to keep up the lifestyle you’ve become accustom to? Not sure if parenting is for you just yet, parenting is sacrifice and adapting the lifestyle you once had

Do you friends in a similar position salarywise who have a baby. How do they manage? If they have similar parenting beliefs and you trust them, is there any leeway for you to watch their child and yours on a Monday and they reciprocate on a Tuesday or whatever, allowing you both an extra day (or days) of saving nursery fees and enabling you to work more?
Get the bank statements and see what you can cut back on to follow your dream of having a baby. Life with a baby is full of sacrifices. Perhaps nows the time to decide on cutting back on your sky package or Netflix. Do you really need that expensive holiday/car/new kitchen/whatever?
Don’t rely on your mother in law. As others say things could change in a heartbeat.
Consider all work options, compressed hours, salary sacrifice schemes for childcare vouchers etc.
If after that your financial situation looks viable then try and have the baby rather than waiting. You may wait and find out you can’t have them, fertility issues only get worse for either of you with age as far as I can see.
If you can’t afford to have a child you shouldn’t go ahead though. It must be heartbreaking to have one and never see him/her as you are constantly working and trying to keep the wolves from the door.

I think you are being ridiculous here, you cannot plan your child around a family member. Anything can happen, things can change, they are also fully entitled to change their mind and live the life they want to. No one is obligated to help you, but support now and again is always wonderful. To expect consistent support is entitled and unfair. Most grandparents get guilt tripped into looking after their children's children and it's utmost unfair.

She has been given an opportunity, do not make her feel guilty. Support her and be happy for her.

If you want children, factor in childcare costs, to ever consider that a family member will take responsibility is being wilfully ignorant.

Even now, you're happy to wait until she can offer childcare, do you not see how selfish you are being by acting as if you have a right to this?

Have children whenever you want, but don't burden her or others with providing you consistent childcare.

What if you have fertility struggle in a couple of years? You’ll really regret waiting then. Also as pp said your MiL (gods forbid) could be incapacitated at any time, so to me it seems insane you are basing even a small part of your decision on in her availability. For what it’s worth, we jointly earn around the same as you do and have zero family support, and we’ve luckily managed just fine without being on the poverty line. Sure we don’t have as much disposable income as before but it’s all been totally worth it.

My mum who was a SAHM looked after various cousins, as well as my brothers kids so the parents could work. We were a foster family for many years, so really the perfect person, and she was delighted at the prospect of helping out with my baby.

She had a stroke when I was 4 months pregnant. At the age of 61. She died at the age of 67.

I would also factor in that getting pregnant isn't always straight forward for everyone. It took me 6 years with a difficult journey. So waiting a couple of years could be risky depending on your age.