Mother in law pulled out of childcare?

[Youngdoginthevillage]

Hi new poster on here, lurked for a while but looking for some impartial advice.
Me and my partner have been looking at trying for a baby in the next 12 months . His mother had said that she plans to retire in the next 24 months and had many a time said that she would cover childcare. On this we planned two days with her, two days with childminder and me returning four days a week. We could afford this. However this weekend she has accepted a promotion at work meaning that she has committed to four years full time, by that it puts us back a couple of years for having our first child. She openly says - oh I’ll be ready to be a grandma by then. But to be honest I’m upset as I’m ready to be a mum now, or within the next few months and it feels a massive blow to have to wait two more years before we can try for a baby. We couldn’t afford four days a week child minder, I have no family within 200 miles. I’m just unsure on what to do and looking for some perspective? Should we wait the extra two years before trying knowing that we would have support with childcare or start as planned and cripple ourself financially?

LOL, OP, you are being utterly ridiculous!

You can afford childcare. You can afford to save before you actually have this child (more than a year from now).

Far more important to plan around wanting s baby than on MIL’s availability.

Just get in with it.

At 33 your partner can’t really afford to wait a few years to try for a baby

Children means sacrifices, and you can’t do such nice things any more anyway! Posh restaurants - no, luxury holidays - no, cinema - no.

Enjoy, it’s magical. 😆

@ChildminderMum
Love your reply 🤣
Have to say OP is pretty entitled, assuming she’s getting free childcare or she’ll need to make sacrifices; don’t we all for our kids.

@ZenNudist I wouldn't say that this is passive aggressive, more aggressive.

And the more the op writes, the more I think they sound like a twat! Now it appears that want a kid because they don't want to be late to the party, as their friends are having them.

Hmmmm, perfect reasons to have kids.

I'd say, you're definitely not ready for kids or the sacrifices that go with them. Wait a good few years until you have grown up. At 27 there's no big rush.

Seriously. Is this a joke?

@SunshineCake if you're for real, as entitled and selfish as you sound, you have a very very real shock coming to you when you have a kid. If you're not for real, how weird.

MIL has her own life and you cannot begrudge that.

You “can’t afford” four days childcare, and are worried it might “cripple” you financially, and are upset that you might “have” to wait two years, but you are earning £80k between you?

Good grief.

Like everyone else says, basing your decision on whether/when to try for a baby on family is utterly bonkers. Imagine if you put it off two years waiting for MIL and she changes her mind? You’d resent her for having ‘made’ you wait.

OP, I’m embarrassed for you.

YABU. Having kids sometimes means making certain sacrifices, eg going on holiday, getting your nails done regularly, having takeaways every week or whatever you consider to be important. You're still young at 27 but it could take you a couple of years to conceive. Lovely if your MIL could help and wants to but you cant base your decision to have kids or not around that.

I feel quite torn about your post. I suppose at least you're being honest, but children are a cost and more than in one way.

I'm flabbergasted that you earn 80k and are worried about your outgoings. Our income atm is about 30k and we have 3 children and we live in the SE. Its impacted our lifestyle and I freely admit that we'd love more money now as we do have to think carefully (but we more than manage and still have a nice holiday, good birthdays/Christmas and clothes/days out etc) and do have plans to increase our income. Our income was 50k when we had our first - things change. Nothing is guaranteed.

If you want a baby then pay for it. If you didn't have a MIL you'd have to and would be deciding between lifestyle and a baby full stop.

The number of threads on here where family provide childcare and then something goes wrong. You just need to rely on yourselves and build your own network and plans.

Fucking hell people are harsh on here.
My DM and MIL have my DD 3 days a week - we would manage without them but it would be a struggle. Sorry if that makes me irresponsible
OP ignore half of the shite posted on this thread, I have no idea why you're being laid into as much as you are.
Don't wait for your MIL though, to be honest there is never a good time to have a baby. If you wait a couple of years for your MIL something else will pop up to be a reason not to have one. If you want a baby then start trying. With the tax free childcare the government pay 20% of your childcare costs so that's nearly one of the 4 days paid for.

@KTCluck Thank you. This is the perspective I was looking for, if both ways it can work out.
I think we would manage fine without her and should see it as a bonus if it happened

Though I am fairly sure you're on a wind up, I'll bite.

Seriously you are being ridiculous, what if your MIL were to die? Suffer a live-changing injury or illness? Or on the day the baby is born just decides she doesn't want to/can't provide free childcare?

You're on £80k so bringing home about £6k a month and you're too tight to pay for childcare? Get a dog, they're cheaper

Don’t be daft
You could have the child and she could change her mind..
You need to figure it out without her ,then any childcare is a bonus

@Mummyh2016
She's being 'laid into' because from her posts it seems she doesnt want to make sacrifices to have children and expects to maintain the same lifestyle. Anyone with kids knows this is not a possibility.

You can't expect her to make sacrifices so you don't have to.

If she is not able to to care for a potential grandchild because she is working, then if you want a baby you are going to have to be the ones making the sacrifices.

Decision time - over to you.

It sounds like you can afford the childcare, you’re not reliant on MIL at all (and you should never be: she can always change her mind, or god forbid become ill and unable to care for DC). If you want this child now as much as you say, pay up.

Id genuinely plan your finances now. Yes it'll be great if at some point you have help from MIL but most people aren't that lucky and have to make the sacrifices. When I had my first we spent no more than £20 a week on food, nappies the lot. We just couldn't afford it. That continued when she started nursery as if you want a child you have to be the ones who make the sacrifice.
Even if you could afford to maintain the same lifestyle post child, you wouldnt, as you have a child that wants and needs different things.
If you wait, what's to say her mind won't change again?

We were promised that the inlaws were planning to do school pick ups once ours started school and the year before they changed their minds. Yes it was frustrating, but shes our child so not their problem really.
Start making sacrifices now and understand that you'll always need to be prepared to be the ones to make big changes for your child.

Crass.

Sorry you lost me here OP

We can 100% afford a child and full childcare it would just mean a large amount of sacrifice.

Having a DC does mean you sacrifice ALOT. If you want to be parents, YOU have to parent. You cannot and should not rely on anyone else. This is just all kinds of wrong.

I don’t think relying on her is very good idea. The goal lists may keep on moving which is fair enough, she doesn’t have to plan her life around yours. Alternatively she may care for your child in a way you don’t like -diet, TV habits, naps etc. You are best being independent and doing what you and husband want to do

You’re welcome youngdog . I do understand where you’re coming from - it’s a bit of a shock when you have everything planned out in your head! If you definitely think you’re ready and can afford the childcare without family then I wouldn’t delay TTC for the sake of potentially saving some money.

Apologies OP, I missed that bit about finances, but I still think you need to plan your child without ANY reliance on your mil.

@Youngdoginthevillage I'd make EVERY sacrifice to have a baby I'd move to a cheaper area/have no holidays anything but currently Mother Nature is a bitch. So this is coming from someone who is bitter and hurting
You can't plan on conceiving I thought I'd get pregnant quickly....10 months and 1 miscarriage and I'm still waiting to be a mum. Stop being self centred. If you want a baby (not to "be late to the party" seriously?!) and can provide for one go for it. Let your MIL be a grandmother not the childminder. Research your childcare options and remember you are unlikely to get pregnant when you think

Wow - people are harsh and make many a presumption.
As I said I’m unsure if we’re ready for a child we now know the different path it may take, so all of the comments stating we’re not ready, thanks we’re fully aware we’re Unsure, hence the post.
Age wise yes I’m 27, and no, commenting about my friends and jumping on the bandwagon was not my only reason for wanting a child. Why do people seem to see the bad in everything people write on here? I meant quite honestly that our life style with friends now surrounds children and I want to be part of that and that having baby now, a) is a massive urge for me and b) we would have the support of friends going through the same thing. I don’t thats an unreasonable comment.

I understand the comments of people saying we’re on 80k, as I said we can afford childcare but I would reduce my hours and salary at work but we also don’t want to have a child and have to worry about money. That’s a privilege to even think like that - I am fully aware of that. Our idea of having to watch our income is completely different to others and I understand that.
Also as I said we both grew up with nothing and have worked very hard to get where we are, into that we don’t want to have baby at the wrong time. We want to have a child and be comfortable in being able to do that - again I don’t think that’s entitled but sensible .

I love my MIL like my own mother, and encouraged her to take the new job if she wanted it, so all the comments saying I disregard her feeling are unnecessary. She has put a lot of pressure on to us over the last few years to have children, saying she will care for them, so obviously this change in circumstances to her and us is a big change, I honestly believe she doesn’t feel pressured to care for this imaginary baby, as she has mentioned and offered so much.

Thank you for the genuine advice of checking though finances and being conscious of age, also conscious of her change in circumstance and that really we should plan without her in the picture. That’s what we’re thinking going forward