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Original poster

Mother in law pulled out of childcare?

180 replies

Youngdoginthevillage · 11/08/2019 15:59

Hi new poster on here, lurked for a while but looking for some impartial advice.
Me and my partner have been looking at trying for a baby in the next 12 months . His mother had said that she plans to retire in the next 24 months and had many a time said that she would cover childcare. On this we planned two days with her, two days with childminder and me returning four days a week. We could afford this. However this weekend she has accepted a promotion at work meaning that she has committed to four years full time, by that it puts us back a couple of years for having our first child. She openly says - oh I’ll be ready to be a grandma by then. But to be honest I’m upset as I’m ready to be a mum now, or within the next few months and it feels a massive blow to have to wait two more years before we can try for a baby. We couldn’t afford four days a week child minder, I have no family within 200 miles. I’m just unsure on what to do and looking for some perspective? Should we wait the extra two years before trying knowing that we would have support with childcare or start as planned and cripple ourself financially?

OP posts:
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Bobfossil2 · 11/08/2019 20:09

OP
This is ridiculous. You can afford a baby. So have one if you want one.

Good luck with your decision.

PrimeraVez · 11/08/2019 20:24

we are unsure if we’re ready for a baby

You’re not.

fedup21 · 11/08/2019 20:33

We both have well paid jobs as well as we’re concerned we earn 80k a year between us. It’s more the balance of the sacrifice rather than the cost, which sounds so awful. I hope this is making some sense

It sounds like you want to have a baby but you want your MIL to be the one making the sacrifices rather than you!

Each2TheirOwn · 11/08/2019 20:35

She openly says - oh I’ll be ready to be a grandma by then. But to be honest I’m upset as I’m ready to be a mum now

  • Your kids are your responsibility, not your MILs and you shouldn't be planning a family around her. You have no right to be 'upset' by her life choices, she's entitled to do what she wants, not what makes you happy.

selfishly I mean we could afford our current lifestyle and have a child. We can 100% afford a child and full childcare it would just mean a large amount of sacrifice.

  • If you want to maintain your current lifestyle then don't have children! They will change everything, whether you get help with childcare or not.
Ragwort · 11/08/2019 22:15

If you have a baby at 27 then there is a chance that you will be a grandma yourself well before retirement age, do you honestly see yourself prepared to give up your well paid career to care for your own grandchildren? I am over 60, still working, enjoying my career (& incidentally caring for my own elderly parents) there is no way I would consider becoming a carer for grandchildren, I am shocked at the entitled attitude of some parents these days. I never wanted or expected childcare from my parents or ILs, I didn’t have a child until I could afford to as I knew it was my (& DH’s) responsibility and no one else’s.
I would be ashamed of my own adult children if they assumed I would provide childcare.

DonnaDarko · 11/08/2019 22:19

Haven't read the whole thread but you should never rely on anyone else for childcare, except for actual paid childcare.

My partner and I earn £50k between us , live in the south east, and have managed fine for years. We have been paying for full time childcare for years, over £1k a month. if you're not prepared to make sacrifices, you're not ready for kids, end of.

These kind of posts really hack me off, grandparents does not equal free childcare FFS.

YobaOljazUwaque · 11/08/2019 22:20

The most sensible thing you can do right now is pretend your combined household income is £65kpa not £80kpa. Put the difference into savings. Lots of families live on £65k or less, its not hard. Do this throughout the time you are TTC and your eventual pregnancy. When you are on Maternity Leave and during the 3 years before funded hours kick in you can stop saving and draw out savings as needed to even out the cash flow. With any luck once funded hours kick in you will be balancing income and outgoings nicely. No MIL input needed

Which doesn't mean no MIL input. When the help isn't needed but is freely given and freely received with no stress or worry if it can't happen for whatever reason, then relationships don't get strained and its all much happier.

rubyroot · 11/08/2019 22:31

World caving in over mil getting a job. This just gets worse.

DCICarolJordan · 11/08/2019 22:32

I promise you, someone who wants their MIL to decline a promotion so they can have a child and make ‘no sacrifices’, is nowhere near ready to be a parent.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 12/08/2019 00:54

I have not once said that I am angry or resentful for her doing that, people on here including you have invented that in your own mind.

No inventing needed, we just read you OP, as below:

But to be honest I’m upset as I’m ready to be a mum now, or within the next few months and it feels a massive blow to have to wait two more years before we can try for a baby.

Your OP reads like you're pissed off with her.

Also:

She openly says - oh I’ll be ready to be a grandma by then

Note she said 'Grandma' not 'provide/help you with (free) childcare' instead.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 12/08/2019 08:04

So by your own admission you can afford full time childcare you just don't WANT to

My honest reply is I'd delay having children until you're less selfish

My practical advice is take a 5 year loan out - the repayments are going to be significantly less than monthly childcare costs just spread over a longer time period

WalkofShame · 12/08/2019 08:19

With the best will in the world, you sound very naive.

When you become a parent you need to be able to be self sufficient and not reliant on anyone else, because that child needs to be able to rely on you.

Make the decision based on what you want and don’t overthink the timing. It will turn your world upside down whenever it happens.

If you feel like you want to prioritise your current situation over having a child, that’s fine, just have the balls to do it.

finn1020 · 12/08/2019 08:22

You’ve got to be kidding me. Completely ridiculous thread.

Aria2015 · 12/08/2019 08:25

I slashed my hours when I had my lo and my salary dropped significantly but we adjusted just fine. In reality a lot of the things we spent our money on before lo we weren't able (or didn't want to) do once we had him, so coping with the changes was easier than expected. Most of my friends have hone part time and found similar. Less money yes, but less time and inclination to spend it too so it balances it out. If you're ready for a baby now my advice would be to got for and take the big financially. You may even be lucky enough to enjoy some free childcare later on if and when your mil retires so it may only be for a few years anyway.

MummyOfTwo92 · 12/08/2019 08:28

You cannot rely on MIL for childcare. I would suggest looking at child minders or nursery's.
My MIL always says if I go back to work she will watch the DC but won't even have them now so not reliable at all and I would never ask.

Skittlenommer · 12/08/2019 08:36

If this is real which I doubt because you sound shockingly entitled, you can’t rely on someone else to look after your child. If you can’t do it by yourself and you aren’t willing to make the enormous sacrifices (not just financial by the way) then perhaps it’s not for you!

Bluntness100 · 12/08/2019 08:37

Ok, in your op you state you're ready to be a mum now. Then you state you're not ready, you changed your mind in a very short time frame.

Bottom line is you need to be an adult to have kids. You do so assuming you will be responsible, fully, surprisingly enough, you do not do so based on whether you might get some free child care or not. Anything could happen to your mother in law.

If you're unwilling to make the sacrifice, you shouldn't be contemplating having kids.

Sicario · 12/08/2019 08:46

Maybe now that she's done raising her own children she doesn't particularly fancy getting back on the childcare merry-go-round.

Skittlenommer · 12/08/2019 08:48

Maybe now that she's done raising her own children she doesn't particularly fancy getting back on the childcare merry-go-round

I can’t imagine why anyone would. So many people having to take early retirement and spend it looking after grandchildren!

What a waste! Sad

Allli · 12/08/2019 08:49

@YobaOljazUwaque makes a good point, put the money by that you will need for childcare and see how you get on for a few months. If all fine you know your fears of not having enough money were unfounded.
I did that before I moved out of my parents house many years ago to see if I could afford all the bills etc. It was helpful. And the money you put by can be used as a contingency fund or to pay into your mortgage (if yours allows overpayments) or to start a child isa ow whatever is around when the child is born.

Nixen · 12/08/2019 08:49

If you can’t afford the childcare then you can’t afford the child. You don’t sound mature enough to be parents anyway

areyoubeingserviced · 12/08/2019 10:23

Your first mistake was relying on your mother in law to take care of YOUR child when it’s born.
The second mistake is to be upset because she can no longer do this
Third mistake is to put this on MN
Tbh, I think that you are entitled

formerbabe · 12/08/2019 10:33

If you can’t afford the childcare then you can’t afford the child

But they can...they just don't want to.

AhNowTed · 12/08/2019 10:34

So you want your MIL to sacrifice her earnings and time, and turn down a promotion so you can maintain your lifestyle.

And for an as yet unconceived child.

LMAO 😂

GreenTulips · 12/08/2019 10:45

OP there are many things that don’t go to plan

You could have twins or triplets or a severely disabled child.

You may not want to go back to work.

You may want to run for the hills!!! Or hide under the table.

You make sacrifices and embrace them.

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