Mother in law pulled out of childcare?

[Youngdoginthevillage]

Hi new poster on here, lurked for a while but looking for some impartial advice.
Me and my partner have been looking at trying for a baby in the next 12 months . His mother had said that she plans to retire in the next 24 months and had many a time said that she would cover childcare. On this we planned two days with her, two days with childminder and me returning four days a week. We could afford this. However this weekend she has accepted a promotion at work meaning that she has committed to four years full time, by that it puts us back a couple of years for having our first child. She openly says - oh I’ll be ready to be a grandma by then. But to be honest I’m upset as I’m ready to be a mum now, or within the next few months and it feels a massive blow to have to wait two more years before we can try for a baby. We couldn’t afford four days a week child minder, I have no family within 200 miles. I’m just unsure on what to do and looking for some perspective? Should we wait the extra two years before trying knowing that we would have support with childcare or start as planned and cripple ourself financially?

I should add that the £1200 we paid was for 2 kids and MIL had them one day a week, which we never asked for nor expected. Then she had cancer and was out of action for almost a year. My point to you is that even if your MIL agrees to have your baby anything can change (and has already) so you should not be basing your life on her ability/desire to look after your baby. Plan to pay for the childcare/adjust hours or whatever and any help you may get off family is a nice bonus, not expectation.

LOL, you won't change your lifestyle but expect someone to provide you free childcare. I think that says it all about you both. Ridiculous.

YABVU. NEVER a good idea to: a) compromise FT work and earning if you are an unmarried partner b) rely on non-professional childcare, anything could happen, his mother could have become ill, moved, etc.

Grow up. Plan to pay for it like everyone else and don't be foolish enough to cut your hours for someone you're not married to.

Maybe I'm in the minority but I can't understand why you would have this conversation before the baby actually existed? I hope for you that it happens quick, seems to for a lot of people but for me 2 years of sitting in a job I didnt love but with an amazing maternity package made me pretty depressed and the babies I'd planned so well for just never came. I quit my job to go back studying as you can imagine 6 months later I was finally pregnant. Realistically if you do get pregnant straight away in December it's probably Sept 2021 before you'll be back, that is if you want to go back for the full four days. Theres just far too many unknowns to make these decisions on these factors for me. If you and your husband want a baby and are ready to give it a healthy, happy home then go for it, these things will iron themselves out.

Your MIL has changed her mind once. What's to say she won't do the same in a few years?
I'd just get on with it.

Is this a joke?!

People especially Mothers/Mothers in laws will often say how lovely it would be to look after their DG .But when they come along its often a different story TBH!.Young babies are hard work ,and older people who have already cared for their own children when a lot younger and more energetic can find it hard going!.Many people have to make sacrifices in order to have a family .Can you save for a while to get you over Maternity leave ?.Buy equipment at car boot sales/E bay and so on?.Would you be able to do a 3 day week instead of 4 to give you an extra day at home .Your MIL is thinking of her career ,and possibly needs to work on as older women have to wait longer for their pensions now!

You need to start saving.

If my DS & DIL were earning £80K between them I certainly wouldn’t be offering free childcare , I intend to enjoy my retirement not tie myself down with childcare.

You sound utterly selfish, pay for childcare like everyone else.

it would just mean a large amount of sacrifice

With respect , that's what having children is all about imo

If you're dithering about whether you want to sacrifice or not - don't have kids

You're 27 I'd leave it a few more years until you've grown up a bit
£80k joint income and you want to maintain your standard of living
You can't have it all
We earn about the same but with 2 kids we have no life outside the kids sacrifices do have to be made I'm afraid it's fuckinh frustrating at times but kids are a lifestyle choice

@Allli Thank you for this advice! It sounds the most realistic and honest. I will suggest a complete look through our finances and look at what our lives would be like on either side, factoring in tax free and possibly your friend advice as that could work!
Both me and my partner had very poor upbringings and I guess part of the financial side of things comes from fear of not wanting to have a child at the “wrong” time.
We’re going to look through our outgoings and see what we can do.
All of ours friends are having or have had children so we also don’t want to be “late to the party” and want to enjoy our potential future children having friends a simile age.
I know two years sounds a rather short period but we’ve been saying “oh in two years we’ll be ready” so adding another two into it sounds crippling.

Your plans are too rigid and not realistic. You may struggle to conceive and it could be years before you have dc. You MIL may get ill and not be able to assist. Everyone has to cut back to facilite kids.

I really wish I'd read the whole thread before posting.

80k and you want a baby without it impacting on your finances on what you have now. Bloody hell. What an embarrassment.

OP, you sound a bit entitled and spoilt. Having kids does generally mean a lifestyle change. Either accept it and suck it up or don't. But your post is totally U!

@rubyroot "I'm sorry but you sound like a twat" : this is the perfect mumsnet phrase, not very passive-aggressive.

Anyone else think this thread is a wind up?!

When our DS and DIL told us they were expecting, we offered to help out with childcare wherever possible. So dgs is cared for by DS, DIL, DILs parents and us. DIL is home a few days a week, her parents have him a couple of days, DH has him a couple of days. Due to his very variable work pattern, DS had him on days off which often mean either DH or DILs parents get a day 'off'. I help DH if I am off work on 'his' days.

The big difference between your situation and DS & DILs, is that they did not plan to have their baby based upon a promise of childcare. They had already worked out that they could manage to pay for childcare but were obviously happy to accept offers of help from the family.

I think you need to assume you will be making whatever 'sacrifices' you have discussed and then, if your MIL is able and willing to help at some point, that's fine. What happens if you delay ttc for two years and then she decides she cannot help out after all?

Discount MIL.
Take her out of the picture entirely and chose weather you want a baby enough to make the sacrifices. If you do and in 1, 2, 3, 4 + years (however long it might take to have your baby) and MIL is still offering some free childcare then you can say yes and that'll be a nice bonus.

@s1naidsucks as my further message said - we can fully afford childcare and the cost of the child. That is not the question, the question is, is it worth taking the hit finically or waiting a few years.

Let me put it this way: I started ttc on january first, 2009. Yes, 2009, not a typo. Still having fertility treatments. Stop being precious about your lifestyle, take the financial hit (like most people do) and get on with it. You might have a child next year, or never, or anything in between.

We both have well paid jobs as well as we’re concerned we earn 80k a year between us. It’s more the balance of the sacrifice rather than the cost, which sounds so awful. I hope this is making some sense

If I was your MiL and read that you'd be whistling for any childcare from me!

@dottiedodah I don't think they'll be needing to hit any bootsales to buy baby equipment! Did you not see their salaries??

If you don't want having a child to affect your finances, then I suggest you don't have one.

LOL, you won't change your lifestyle but expect someone to provide you free childcare. I think that says it all about you both. Ridiculous.

^^This.

What would you do if your MIL said she could never provide childcare? Start trying now or wait? Because that is what you should do. Take her availability out of it; down the line any help she can give you should just be seen as a bonus.

Anyone else think this thread is a wind up?!

Me! Me!

We agreed a similar scenario with MIL - 2 days childcare (she offered years ago and reiterated the offer when we told her I was pregnant). 6 months after returning to work she announced that she’d been finding it very difficult and could no longer do it... with immediate effect. Had to sort emergency childcare with family and take days off work until the nursery had the extra capacity for her. The nursery bill doubled meaning it was more than our mortgage. Hadn’t budgeted for that at all. With the benefit of hindsight we were mad not to have a back up plan. It all worked out fine in the end and we could have managed without her from the start. She’s offered to do school pick ups when the time comes but I’ve declined her offer. Don’t ever want to be in that position again!

Please do not base your decision to have children on the availability of your mother in law. Remember it’s only a few years of expensive childcare. Plus you’ll be spending far less on meals and nights out anyway