Mother in law pulled out of childcare?

[Youngdoginthevillage]

Hi new poster on here, lurked for a while but looking for some impartial advice.
Me and my partner have been looking at trying for a baby in the next 12 months . His mother had said that she plans to retire in the next 24 months and had many a time said that she would cover childcare. On this we planned two days with her, two days with childminder and me returning four days a week. We could afford this. However this weekend she has accepted a promotion at work meaning that she has committed to four years full time, by that it puts us back a couple of years for having our first child. She openly says - oh I’ll be ready to be a grandma by then. But to be honest I’m upset as I’m ready to be a mum now, or within the next few months and it feels a massive blow to have to wait two more years before we can try for a baby. We couldn’t afford four days a week child minder, I have no family within 200 miles. I’m just unsure on what to do and looking for some perspective? Should we wait the extra two years before trying knowing that we would have support with childcare or start as planned and cripple ourself financially?

£80k between you, are you taking the piss!! You sound like a proper princess..... You can well afford it but don't want to give up your "lifestyle"

I pity your child

You're looking at this the wrong way round; you have to plan to provide everything your child/ren need yourselves. Anything else, such as childcare by your MIL, would be a very welcome bonus.

Having children is all about sacrifice. You're in for a big shock.

Your perspective needs to be that you don't rely on anyone for childcare and if they can provide it than thats a bonus.

As I said I’m unsure if we’re ready for a child

You are not wrong there.

I'd say it's best not to rely on anyone else other than yourselves re childcare. I gave up work to look after DD ( by the time I'd paid childcare, travel and clothes for work, I'd have been left with nothing at the time). It was very tight when DD was around two, but I found myself a weekend job and when DD went to school, worked there. Still doing both jobs, it works, pays the bills and one of us has easily been there for school holidays/illness etc.

It depends upon how old you are? One of you might get a pay rise in the next couple of years. How about holding off for a couple of years and doing all you possibly can to save. You may find another local mother to partner up with for childcare and save some money. In my experience, friends can be relied upon more than family, particularly if arrangements benefit both.

@ittakes2 very fair comment

”but I would reduce my hours and salary at work but we also don’t want to have a child and have to worry about money.”

”We want to have a child and be comfortable in being able to do that - again I don’t think that’s entitled but sensible .”

Nothing wrong with any of that. What’s wrong is when you give the clear impression you are living hand to mouth and that the only way you could manage to have a child is with free family childcare because you can’t afford (rather than “would rather not have to pay for”) paid childcare.

People will assume that means childcare would literally cost more than you earn, and that you are really struggling financially.

You used very dramatic woe-is-me language, then revealed that actually the situation was very different from the initial impression given. Which is why you’ve been given a hard time.

We both have well paid jobs as well as we’re concerned we earn 80k a year between us. It’s more the balance of the sacrifice rather than the cost, which sounds so awful.

Yes, it does sound awful. It also sounds selfish and entitled. You want to have a child and for other people to take the hit rather than it affecting your lifestyle. Fucking incredible.

YABU

You can't plan having a child around family doing the childcare. It's unreliable and quite frankly unfair to the relatives.

If you can afford childcare then that's great and plan to do that.

I really wouldn't recommend relying on your mother in law. I know this is an awful thing to say but anything could happen - she might become ill, or worse. It doesn't bare thinking about I know but anything is possible. I wouldn't wait if you're ready and can make it work. Just go for it - 'the sacrifice' is all worth it as long as you can make ends meet comfortably. You also don't know how easy it'll be to conceive. It could happen quickly but potentially not. I wouldn't delay unless completely, absolutely necessary

Posters are being so harsh here. Had to double check OP hadn’t posted on AIBU.

If she’d posted saying that after MIL changed her mind they were just going to go ahead and wing it without considering finances people would be piling on saying she was irresponsible. An income of 80k is well above average, but if you’re used to living on that salary with a good lifestyle as a couple then I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be a bit worried about how much things would have to change once a child is on the scene and to consider whether you are willing to make those sacrifices or not as the OP is doing.

There were a few points from the OP which may have been badly worded (and I can see could be upsetting for those struggling to conceive) but I don’t think any of us need to be “pitying her child”

I was pretty selfish pre-DC. While pregnant it crossed my mind how much my life was about to change and how we’d be losing the lifestyle we were used to. I felt a bit panicked by it. Wondered if I’d made a mistake. Once DD was here my instincts kicked in and I then became the unselfish mother, putting her first in everything I do. Pretty sure OP will too. She may well be in for a shock as PPs have pointed out, but surely we all were? No need to be smug about it.

Unfortunately, for many people, if not most, having a child has an impact financially. It’s one of the factors in the decision making process, about whether to have a child or remain child free.

Despite the protestations that you have the urge to be a parent, OP, your posts do come across as wanting a child because others in your friendship group are, whilst not wishing to alter the financial lifestyle you currently have.

Back in the dark ages, when I had my children, it never occurred to us to ask, expect or consider childcare provided by grandparents. We wouldn’t have asked and they wouldn’t have offered.The option was to give up work for a time, which I did, since DH ran a business. I did some tutoring in the evenings when I could and we just about got by without my earnings.

I was able to continue with my career after a few years and we were able to get back on an even keel.

I would wait, tbh. You're 27 and you've both come from poor backgrounds so obviously you don't want that for your child. Don't forget though that your MIL has been poor and obviously wants to have this promotion and save some money before she retires.

Two years isn't a long time really - save up and have some fun in the meantime. I know those feelings of wanting a baby are so strong, but you still will be able to do it.

@Youngdoginthevillage honestly you can plan a certain amount (finances/work) but sorry it's down to Mother Nature you may not get pregnant easily just remember that

As many others have said, don’t have a child based on your mother in laws availability. Don’t have a child because your friends do. Have a child because you can’t imagine not. You are young, why not spend the next two years saving hard so you do not have worry.

I think you are looking at it the wrong way with your MIL. She needs to get herself in the best possible financial position, before she retires (which presumably was factored into her decision to take the job). She sounds young and fit (going by the idea that it would be early retirement) surely it is much better if she works while she feels she wants to. Relatively speaking the baby/pre-school years are short. You have to take a hit. That’s just how it is. But it won’t be forever. So so much better that your mother in law gets herself into a better financial position than gives up early to effectively become a free childminder for you so you can maintain your lifestyle (what ever that actually means).

Op...in four years time mil might also not want to do childcare. If you want a child and can afford it go for it, if not dont. Dont rely on anyone doing childcare

but I don’t think any of us need to be “pitying her child”

I don't. I pity her MiL.

In the nicest of ways OP other people have this spot on. Our childcare costs for 3 days a week are more than our mortgage every month, so it is very expensive but we accept this as our financial responsibility. We live 3 hours away from both our families so don't have the option at all for childcare, but agree that it can be tricky to navigate. SiL for example has relied on my MiL for 2 days of childcare for 5 years (between 2 children). They've recently had a falling out and it's putting a strain on the relationship as they now have quite a co-dependent relationship for the kids. You're honestly better off planning to do this alone and let your MiL be a grandparent rather than childcare x

I'm sorry but your child, your responsibility.

Potential grandparents aren't there for your free labour use. They have "done" their child rearing and they are allowed to live their own lives and do what they want without you using them as freebie baby sitters.

Having a baby is all about changes and sacrifice and in most cases a drop in income. If you aren't prepared for that then I suggest you don't have any.

Really? Your MIL is not responsible for when you decide to have a baby or your childcare, she is entitled to do what she wants, it's her life after all.

One of my biggest regrets is not having 100% outsourced childcare. My MIL outright refused when dd was born to help and my mum helped but was terrible at looking after dd. We had a nanny a few days do many years and I wish so so much I’d cancelled more on my lifestyle and sacrificed to keep family out of childcare.

It is so so difficult when something goes alerting staring blankly at your family while they sheepishly apologise and you grit your teeth. Having a professional look after your dd is so much easier. My mum was ‘old school’ I hear this time and time again from other new mums as well. You don’t want your baby to have sugary cakes as their first meal? Well grandma might not care. Your toddler needs disciplining well grandma thinks she can’t be arsed until you get home as it’s easier to give them a biscuit and nap even though this means baby won’t sleep at all for the next few years. Also grandmas change their minds and that’s fair enough too.

I agree with pp. just pay for the bloody childcare and be done with it. Everyone else gets poorer when they have dc you’ll just
join the club

I cannot take this seriously. You can't rely on family, it's not fair on them! They're your children. No one else's.

Nanny Ogg .Sorry didnt see their salaries .Yes you are right, it is a lot of money. Although depending on where they live doesnt go all that far in London for example !.