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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

My boyfriend doesn’t want a baby yet and I don’t know what to do.

200 replies

Apples1998 · 08/07/2019 13:38

I’m new to this and I don’t know where else to turn. Our family’s are much help as they all just tell me to go head and to take my implant out and just do it.

So a bit of back ground. We’ve been together 5 years and are madly in love. We’ve been through a lot together and he’s basically my best friend and boyfriend rolled into one.

About 18 months ago I got pregnant whilst talking the pill. When I found out I was nervous and happy at the same time but when I told him he kinda broke down. He said he wasn’t ready for a baby, he didn’t believe he could love it how it would deserve to be loved because it would change everything so much and he wasn’t ready for that. After a long while of arguing and discussion, I ultimately decided to have an abortion because I could see how much it was hurting him and I couldn’t stand it.

At first I was okay, I was kind of just numb to it. However, as time went on I started to feel a lot of regret and grief. I didn’t want to talk to him about it because I didn’t want to upset him or for him to blame himself. So about 2 months ago it all became to much and I just broke down. I went to stay with my mum for a week to clear my head. Whilst I was away I told him everything. How I felt, that I wanted a baby. During this conversation he agreed that he felt similar and we could try for a baby soonish. So when I got back we started to talk about it. I asked him when will we be able to start trying, not getting my hopes up to much that it would be soon but kinda hoping it would be. He said once we’d sorted something’s out we could, do in his word by the end of July.

Then about 4 days ago he brings up going on holiday. I was all for it but explained to him we would need to plan it around having the baby. When I said that it was meet with a sigh and an eye roll. So I asked him what’s was wrong. This is when he told me that he doesn’t want a baby yet, he’s not ready. Give me 2 years maximum. He said he feels like he’s being pressured into it but it was all his idea. He said he believed that if he didn’t say we could try for one I’d leave him.

I’ve never felt as hurt in my life. He made all these promises to just rip them away from me. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I love him and I don’t want to leave him but I want a baby more than anything else in the world.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 08/07/2019 13:41

How old are you both?

RatherBeRiding · 08/07/2019 13:42

How old are you both?

I think he needs to be very clear with you about whether he genuinely wants to wait a bit - and if so, how long - or if he just doesn't want children - in which case he must be absolutely honest with you so that you can work out where you go from here.

All this saying one thing when it suits him only to change his mind when it comes to the crunch makes him sound very immature. However, if he's in his early 20s then he can possibly be forgiven for not seeing children on the immediate horizon. If you are both in your 30s then it's a bit different.

Pineapplefish · 08/07/2019 13:48

I hate people who give you false hope and make promises they don't intend to keep. But, in fairness to your boyfriend, I can see how it happened in this case. You were so upset and he felt guilty and wanted to make you feel better. And this was only two months ago - it's not like he's been stringing you along for years.

At the end of the day, he's not yet ready for a baby and you can't force him to if he doesn't want to. You have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you or if you're prepared to wait for two years? But I would be making it absolutely clear to him that if he's not ready in two years you'll be leaving!

Also (sorry, MN cliche) as you're not married please don't become a SAHM or work part time if you do have a baby.

Original poster
Apples1998 · 08/07/2019 13:49

He’s 22, I’m 21.

We’ve spoken about kids before. He wanted them but originally he wanted to be 30+ but I explained I wanted kids by my mid 20s which agreed was a good compromise. I said between the age of 23-27 was when I wanted kids.

The day after my abortion I found out my mum was expecting another child and then a few months after that my younger sister. Having the babies around is making it harder for me not to feel terrible.

OP posts:
Original poster
Apples1998 · 08/07/2019 13:50

However, before we discussed are desired ages for children I want one in my early 20s.

I’m just not sure what to do, I don’t know now if I can believe what he’s saying about kids with what he did

OP posts:
sneakypinky · 08/07/2019 13:51

21 is still very young OP. You've got years to have children, and I don't think your DP is unusual to not want to have children just yet. I think most 22 year old men would certainly not be ready.

Perhaps you could pursue some counselling for yourself to work through these feelings?

SickOfBeingFat · 08/07/2019 13:53

I’d wait the 2 years, OP. You’re still both so young

SleepingStandingUp · 08/07/2019 13:57

It's perfectly reasonable to not want kids at 22. You're not married, would you be giving up work to look after them full time? How long have you been living together?

The issue is his lying to manipulate you. That's a bigger red flag

SoyDora · 08/07/2019 14:00

Of course he shouldn’t lie to manipulate you into staying with him.
But he is perfectly reasonable to want to wait a couple of years. You are both very young.

Original poster
Apples1998 · 08/07/2019 14:00

No, we’re not married. I would be going to part time to look after them. We’ve lived together for almost 2 years now in our own house and about another 8 months living with each other at his parents.

I know 2 years doesn’t seem like much but it’s a long time to wait. But as he’s lied about wanting one sooner I’m sure if I can believe him when he says 2 years

OP posts:
Prettylittlebumblebee · 08/07/2019 14:02

You guys are still so so young. Myself and partner are mid 30s and pregnant at the moment, yes some might day we are "old" but truth be told, we spent our 20s in different relationships with partners who didn't want the same as us. My ex didn't want kids either but led me on saying one day we could try. 7 years into a relationship he cheated on me and left me. The moral of the story of what I'm trying to say, is give it time. If he really wants a baby with you, he will. I'd you get to years down the line and he still isn't being 200% honest then have a think about what you want to do. X

aliensprig · 08/07/2019 14:04

I don't see how the boyfriend has manipulated OP here. He's just changed his mind, which he is perfectly within his right to do.

OP - If he's not ready, you shouldn't force him. You seem to be subconsciously under a lot of pressure to have children from your family, which in turn you're passing on to him. Is that really fair? Maybe focus on building up savings for buying a house (if you don't have one already) or take an extended travelling holiday together - there's lots of things that will be difficult when you have a baby to look after! I don't necessarily think you're too young to start a family but it sounds like he is. Enjoy your time together and don't stress about things like babies yet Smile

Number3or4 · 08/07/2019 14:05

What is there to stop him moving the goalposts again? I would not trust him with that. I would instead make my own deadline of how long I was willing to wait and tell him. When the deadline comes, either leave him or try for a baby if he is ready. Don't trick him, be honest with him. If you no longer want to prevent pregnancy then put contraception responsibility on him. I.e. tell him to use condom or avoid you during your fertile time and let him calculate when that is. If there is another pregnancy then it's his fault. He would have no one else to blame than himself.

Original poster
Apples1998 · 08/07/2019 14:12

I am worried he’ll move the timeline again.

As for cheating we did break up for about 1-2 months about 3 years ago during which time he slept with someone else who told him she was pregnant (she wasn’t, she lied to try and get him to come back to her after we got back together, proven by her friend) he wasn’t thrilled about it but he never asked her for an abortion. I know it’s not the same as cheating but he didn’t tell me about it till the pregnancy thing came about.

I know we seem young but I was raised in a family we’re everyone had kids young.

As for the family is not so much pressure to have a baby as they knowing how much I want one.

I’d never want to trick him, I’ve told him what they said about taking out the implant.

Number3or4 I think that may be a good idea, I’ll discuss that with him when he’s home

OP posts:
sar302 · 08/07/2019 14:12

If you want to have a baby within the next 5 years, you need to be with someone who wants the same thing. Doesn't matter if you're 22, or 32. Your life goals aren't compatible.

Number3or4 · 08/07/2019 14:13

Before I forget, I strongly advise that you get married before having a baby. It will protect you and your possible children if you end up divorcing. I'm basing this on the fact women tend to either give up or go part time for childcare reasons. Don't give up your job without a marriage. It will also help a lot in case of bereavement.

SoyDora · 08/07/2019 14:13

He’s 22 years old. I’d imagine a large majority of 22 year olds would not be ready to have a baby yet.

SoyDora · 08/07/2019 14:15

I know we seem young but I was raised in a family we’re everyone had kids young

But that doesn’t mean that he should want to have babies young.
You both want different things out of life. Your goals are incompatible.

glitterbiscuits · 08/07/2019 14:16

If you love each other as much as you say you will wait are BOTH ready.
Spend the time saving and preparing.

As outsiders looking in most of Mumsnet will tell you to wait.

You have already settled down very, very young. You have time on your side, wait.

NaturalBornWoman · 08/07/2019 14:17

So you've been together since you were teenagers? And now he doesn't want a child at 22 and your family are telling you to have your implant out and do it anyway? Please don't.

Prettylittlebumblebee · 08/07/2019 14:19

@number3or4 what absolute crap. We're not living in the stone ages here. You don't Need to be married to have children.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 08/07/2019 14:19

I can completely understand him not wanting a child at 22.

Original poster
Apples1998 · 08/07/2019 14:19

I’d never do that to him, as I said before I’ve told him what’s been said and is not my family it’s his saying it.

I understand what everyone is saying about waiting.

Yes we’ve been together since we were 16

OP posts:
Wheelerdeeler · 08/07/2019 14:25

Apples - you are not ready to have a child, You cannot support a child. You are both too young. Get a good job and savings under your belt, buy a house - security. That is what you need to be doing at 21.

(incidentally I'll eat my hat if you are together by the time you are 30)

MindyStClair · 08/07/2019 14:26

This seems to me like a case of you just being unsuitable for each other, if you definitely want a baby soon.

Unless you wait for a long time you won’t know whether he is agreeing because he wants to, or if he just doesn’t want you to leave him. And if it turns out to be the latter, he could easily end up leaving you.

Additionally, his lying to you to stop you leaving him shows an immaturity you probably don’t want in a father; that isn’t surprising given his age but nevertheless.

So I’d say you should either stay with him and forget about starting a family for a good long while, or leave and seek a relationship with someone like-minded.