My boyfriend doesn’t want a baby yet and I don’t know what to do.

[Apples1998]

I’m new to this and I don’t know where else to turn. Our family’s are much help as they all just tell me to go head and to take my implant out and just do it.

So a bit of back ground. We’ve been together 5 years and are madly in love. We’ve been through a lot together and he’s basically my best friend and boyfriend rolled into one.

About 18 months ago I got pregnant whilst talking the pill. When I found out I was nervous and happy at the same time but when I told him he kinda broke down. He said he wasn’t ready for a baby, he didn’t believe he could love it how it would deserve to be loved because it would change everything so much and he wasn’t ready for that. After a long while of arguing and discussion, I ultimately decided to have an abortion because I could see how much it was hurting him and I couldn’t stand it.

At first I was okay, I was kind of just numb to it. However, as time went on I started to feel a lot of regret and grief. I didn’t want to talk to him about it because I didn’t want to upset him or for him to blame himself. So about 2 months ago it all became to much and I just broke down. I went to stay with my mum for a week to clear my head. Whilst I was away I told him everything. How I felt, that I wanted a baby. During this conversation he agreed that he felt similar and we could try for a baby soonish. So when I got back we started to talk about it. I asked him when will we be able to start trying, not getting my hopes up to much that it would be soon but kinda hoping it would be. He said once we’d sorted something’s out we could, do in his word by the end of July.

Then about 4 days ago he brings up going on holiday. I was all for it but explained to him we would need to plan it around having the baby. When I said that it was meet with a sigh and an eye roll. So I asked him what’s was wrong. This is when he told me that he doesn’t want a baby yet, he’s not ready. Give me 2 years maximum. He said he feels like he’s being pressured into it but it was all his idea. He said he believed that if he didn’t say we could try for one I’d leave him.

I’ve never felt as hurt in my life. He made all these promises to just rip them away from me. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I love him and I don’t want to leave him but I want a baby more than anything else in the world.

i stayed with him when I thought someone else was carrying his child
So he cheated on you? And you're still so desperate to push him into having a child with you. Why???

Sleeping - the OP said they had split up when that happened, so he didn't cheat on her.

Thank you all for your advice. I’m going to talk to him when he gets home. I’m not going to leave him, I live him to much. So I guess that means I have no choice but to wait however long that may be

Please don't trick him into becoming a father by having your implant removed without telling him.

Luckylou7 as I said before, I would never do that. I’ve told him what has been suggested to me by his family and explained to him I wouldn’t do it because I respect him more than that

Like you, at 21 I was mature, settled and in a happy long (ish) term relationship. I had a good education and a career as a teacher. I didn't go out clubbing, had no urge to travel or do any of the things people say 21 year olds 'should' want.

Im now 28 and pregnant with my first, 8 years into my relationship with my partner. I'm glad we've waited and we still feel really young! At 21 I truly felt like I knew what I wanted my life to look like, but by holding off on having children we were able to change our minds about things without repercussions. We've moved house a few times and started a new life in a new city, changed careers and gone back into education. At 21, I'd never have thought those opportunities would become so important to us as a couple. If we had had children, our priorities would have been much different. I'd still be in a job I was unhappy in and we'd never have been brave enough to relocate away from family and friends.

I knew I was truly ready for a child and the time was right when my partner said he was ready. I felt ready for a while, but it has taken him longer to get to this point. Pregnancy is incredibly nerve wracking at the best of times, but now I can be sure that I'm going through all of this with someone who wants it as much as I do. That security is so important to me.

Fertility wise, time is on your side. I honestly don't think you'll regret waiting if I you start your family in a few years time. Think about the little things you enjoy now that will be harder with a little one. Doesn't have to be big things like travel or a lavish lifestyle, but things like getting a lie in, having your nails done nicely (and not getting them covered in baby poop!) and watching what you want on TV, irrespective of content and/or swearing! I think if a person struggles to think of the little things they enjoy, then there are bigger holes that can't be filled with a baby.

Good luck OP

When you first met him he said he didn't want children until he was 30, to compromise he brought that age down. Now you are wanting to bring it down again. I feel there is some manipulation from you here OP. He has been clear he isn't ready, you have to respect that. If you can't, you need to find someone else who is older and keen or the same age keen to start at a young age.

There are many areas in a relationship where compromise is the way forward. Having children is most definitely NOT one of those areas. I understand you feel ready for children, but your partner does not. And his choice has to prevale, as once you have a child there is no going back. Other pp have said your DP s manipulating you, by promising timespans and then changing his mind. Maybe he is manipulating you, however you could be seen to be bullying him in to a decision that he feels uncomfortable with. The partner who does not want children has to hold sway.

The choices you have is to wait or leave. If you wait, please don't keep going on about when can you start TTC. Most men I know (and women actually) don't respond well to nagging. Many pp are mentioning age as a factor because of how women's fertility trails off in the late 30s - so when looked at biologically speaking you have another 15+ years of good fertility which is bags of time.
If you can't wait that long, then you will need to leave him and seek out a man who is keen for children as you are. There are younger men who want children in their early 20s, but most don't. They want to wait - and that's absolutely fine.

I was you at 22. Every detail. Family with young kids; secure jobs, I paid for him through uni, all of it. I loved him immensely, I'd have done anything for him.

I'm 29 today. I'm so glad I didn't have children with him. It was very much more luck than judgement. I never thought I'd be nearly 30 before I had kids, I definitely didn't want to be. But my partner now is a million times the partner that I had before; and what I thought was love was not. It felt like it; but compared to this; it wasn't.

I wouldn't have taken any head of this when I was your age; but incase you can - wait until you're both ready. Stay independent. Remember that people change as they grow up and that while it feels like bollocks, it's true that life changes and when you're older, you might feel differently. No one wants to believe that they will; everyone feels wise and different and intelligent and mature, but it's just different. Wisdom is a beautiful thing.

All the best. I hope he can commit to a final date that he'll be ready by, and you can see if you can wait that out.

I’ve spoke to my DP about everything we’ve spoken about on here. He decided that he likes the idea of him being responsible for contraception as in his words, if an accident happens it happens, before we got to that part of the conversation he suggested me going back on the pill for the same reason but when that can up he believed it was a better idea. I’ve agreed to wait till he’s ready but explained that I can not wait forever.

Seeing as you're 21, you may as well wait the 2 years. If he still doesnt want them, leave but even if you broke up now it would take more than 2 years to find someone else and build a relationship up to the point of trying for a child.

I was 23 when I had DD so I do get you, but there are some things I would be wary of. I would never have tried for DD if I couldn't support us both if my DP had suddenly left/died and I whilst family offering help is amazing, it is something that can be taken away so I wouldn't do it unless I could afford childcare too. Basically just make sure you prepare for worst case scenario. You definitely need savings and marriage is certainly beneficial.

I know everyone is being critical but honestly I get you @Apples1998
My mum had me at 19 and then my sister had her first at 22. In some families that's how it is! And some people (like me) dreamt of having a little baby from such a young age.

I was in the exact same situation. We'd been together since 17 and I was ready for a baby at 19 haha. He wasn't, understandably. So we compromised. We waited till I was 23 and he 24 when we both had stable jobs and the income and accommodation to support a baby! I had DS at 24 and I know that's still young but I'm so glad we waited. I know it feels like forever my love but your time will come! I am now 26 and 33+5 with baby no2!!!
We are the same person! Sending love OP.

@Wheelerdeeler
"incidentally I'll eat my hat if you are together by the time you are 30"
^ That's absolutely none of your business. You have no right to say that, how would you know anyway?

You're both much too young to start thinking about babies. There's more to life than procreating. Give it another ten years, and use the time to enjoy yourselves, travel, have fun. Your poor bf must feel under so much pressure and he's so young.

Thank you kittytiggy it’s nice to know I’m not the only one that’s feels this way. After speaking to you all you’ve made me feel a lot better and gave me a lot to think about 😊

@Apples1998 don't think of the next 'however long' as waiting. Get your joint lists drawn if all the things you'd like to do before you have kids, and go and to them. Work towards it together, good relationships last because the couple want the same things at the same time, so ask him what's on his list, and yours, and move forward with positivity that one day you will have a family together. It's not now or never, it's just 'later'.

Good luck and enjoy your relationship as it is today.

I understand what your saying about him being under pressure but I hadn’t put any pressure on him. One thing that seems to be popping up in a lot of comments is how unfair is this in my partner but I’ve never put nah pressure on him. I’ve only seen little to no sympathy towards me (no whining or anything just making an observation) for the pressure he put me under to have an abortion because it’s what he wanted

"he likes the idea of him being responsible for contraception as in his words, if an accident happens it happens,"

That's a rather cavalier attitude to have for a person who, in your words, pressured you into an abortion. If it happens again how do you know he won't push for an abortion again? While you are both young you are old enough to have a more responsible attitude to birth control and parenthood.

21 isn't too young at all. The attitude on here that you have to be over 30 to have a child really annoys me. Op is an adult with a home and job. If she feels she is ready to become a parent, that's up to her.

Anyway op, if your DP isn't ready there isn't a lot you can do about it. You can either end the relationship or you can accept his decision. You've got plenty of time to get pregnant, you are young and time is on your side but obviously you need to decide what to do. I would sit him down again and have a proper chat. Explain you want to have a baby in 2 years. If he doesn't, he needs to be honest and tell you now and not lead you on.

yukkas suggestion is great too. You and DP should make. A list of things /experiences/holidays you want to do before you have a baby.

OP I’m glad you’ve decided to stick to your original compromise and wait.

Have you considered therapy for your feelings around the abortion you had. It seems very central to your current frame of mind. I’m also concerned that you feel he pressured you into the abortion. You really need to be able to forgive him and you for that before you create a family together.

Compromise is both ways. You want a baby now, he wants one at 30+, revisiting it when you are 25 is a compromise, asking him to compromise by having one now (or even in two years) is you wanting your own way.

OP - you are both sooo young. You have so much of your life ahead of you. Your early 20s should be spent making memories together. I'm 26 and my OH is 30 and we are having our first baby together but wow we were so scared initially... never mind how I would have been at 20/21.

I know everyone is different though... so don't shoot me lol.

However I think your boyfriend has definitely shown his age and immaturity by saying you can start trying at the end of the month and then suddenly put it off for two years. What if two years comes and goes and he wants to put it off even longer?

I don't really know what to suggest OP.

Are you financially stable? Do you have your own place? A secure job? Lots to think about between the both of you before you make the decision to have a baby :)

Good luck x

The thing is, you shouldnt of had an abortion if you didn't want one. You need to make a choice if it's him or a baby and you chose him.

I was the same as you, I've wanted a baby all my life and alwaya thought by 25 - 27 I'd have one but life doesn't work that way. However I'm 31 and in a better position, have been able to do some lovely long distance holidays, have gotten a professional degree and moulding a career and own a house and am married. We are expecting our first.

That still doesn't take away the feelings that I can't afford this and that I won't cope. These feelings would of been ten fold at 21...

It's not about you going out drinking and whatever but just gain some life experience.

DP and I tried once, then he changed his mind when I got a negative test. I was heartbroken. We waited for months and I tried not to mention it much, he finally decided he was ready and we tried for 7 months and now I'm 12 weeks pregnant.

I've just looked at DP's phone and hes apologised to his close friend who he works with, for being miserable today and hes stressed about my upcoming scan, on Wednesday. He said its getting him down.

But hes coming home and telling me hes excited to see little baby wriggling about ect.

I didnt put any pressure on DP, but I cant help but feel guilty that I'm pregnant and it seems he isn't ready after all. Yet again heartbroken.

I dont think men, or us will ever be 'ready' I think it's just 'deep breath and do it now' for most men lol.

I wouldnt worry to much. He will come around, but pressure definitely wont help.

21 isn't too young at all.

Except neuroscientists are saying brains don't fully mature until mid-20s, especially the bits which involve impulsivity, planning and peer pressure. All the bits you'd like to work when thinking about children.

"I want one in my early 20s."

Why does it have to be based on what you want op? Your boyfriend wants to wait and considering your ages I think that's very sensible. 21 is very young. Why is what you want more important / valid than what he wants?

Living together for a few years and saving may be a good way to prepare for a baby. It obviously won't scratch your broody itch immediately but would be good for the future baby and that should be the priority.