My boyfriend doesn’t want a baby yet and I don’t know what to do.

[Apples1998]

I’m new to this and I don’t know where else to turn. Our family’s are much help as they all just tell me to go head and to take my implant out and just do it.

So a bit of back ground. We’ve been together 5 years and are madly in love. We’ve been through a lot together and he’s basically my best friend and boyfriend rolled into one.

About 18 months ago I got pregnant whilst talking the pill. When I found out I was nervous and happy at the same time but when I told him he kinda broke down. He said he wasn’t ready for a baby, he didn’t believe he could love it how it would deserve to be loved because it would change everything so much and he wasn’t ready for that. After a long while of arguing and discussion, I ultimately decided to have an abortion because I could see how much it was hurting him and I couldn’t stand it.

At first I was okay, I was kind of just numb to it. However, as time went on I started to feel a lot of regret and grief. I didn’t want to talk to him about it because I didn’t want to upset him or for him to blame himself. So about 2 months ago it all became to much and I just broke down. I went to stay with my mum for a week to clear my head. Whilst I was away I told him everything. How I felt, that I wanted a baby. During this conversation he agreed that he felt similar and we could try for a baby soonish. So when I got back we started to talk about it. I asked him when will we be able to start trying, not getting my hopes up to much that it would be soon but kinda hoping it would be. He said once we’d sorted something’s out we could, do in his word by the end of July.

Then about 4 days ago he brings up going on holiday. I was all for it but explained to him we would need to plan it around having the baby. When I said that it was meet with a sigh and an eye roll. So I asked him what’s was wrong. This is when he told me that he doesn’t want a baby yet, he’s not ready. Give me 2 years maximum. He said he feels like he’s being pressured into it but it was all his idea. He said he believed that if he didn’t say we could try for one I’d leave him.

I’ve never felt as hurt in my life. He made all these promises to just rip them away from me. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I love him and I don’t want to leave him but I want a baby more than anything else in the world.

Wheelerdeeler I can here for advice not attacks but ty anyway.

Oh my goodness, I was all ready to tell you to dump him on the assumption that you were in your mid 30s. Then I read that you are just 21. I honestly think you're very, very young to even be considering this. I'm not saying it can't be done - I have friends who were amazing mothers in their teens - but it is VERY hard. And you lose out on so much. Your 20s should be an amazing time of travel, experimentation, and fun. They are your chance to make mistakes in your life and career and still be young enough to sort them out - that is SUCH a gift, I can't even tell you how valuable it is! To throw that away in order to take on parenting responsibilities at such a young age is a terrible waste.

A child is a tie FOR LIFE. You have to be so, so sure that your partner is right for you. Trust me, at 21 I thought I had the perfect guy too. By 30, when life had started to be about houses and practicalities more, he didn't seem quite so perfect as he was when we were more carefree. You change a whole lot in your 20s - very few couples who met as teenagers are still in love at 30. A baby will not make you tighter and stronger - it's much more likely to drive you apart.

Honestly OP wait a few years, get married just for thr financial protection and then buy a house, then get pregnant. Yes it may seem the old fashioned way to do it however I also mt DH when we were 16. Had baby 1 and 2 at 22 and 25, then got married and found it almost impossible to buy a home. We are still living in stupidly costly rented and have had dc3 which was an accident and not planned but we cant see the wood from the trees in the case of actually ever hoping of owning our own home and we both have well paid jobs. Childcare is a killer and if we could go back we would have at the very very least purchased a property at the beginning.

Wheelerdealer's post is good advice. You'd be far better off living a little and establishing a career than jumping into having a baby. If you become a lone parent you're going to need something to fall back on.

Apples I never attacked you but your post verifies that you are just too young & immature to have a baby.

It doesn't matter if other people think that everyone should spend their 20s travelling or saving or whatever, that is not what OP wants.
Sorry but it sounds so very patronising to tell another adult what they should want.
Put OPs age aside and look at the problem. He isn't ready for kids. He panicked when he though he was losing her so he said yes, let's have one. Now that time is here and he still isn't ready.
OP even if you do wait 2 years, he may still not be ready, and you can't blame him for feeling like that. He is entitled to feel how he feels, just like you. He should not promise you anything though.

I think you need to decide if you want children more than you want him. If the answer is yes, then personally I'd end it now and try and find the right person.

I don't think he's being totally honest with you.He may really want children in the future so maybe when he's 30 but how does he tell you that if he's scared you'll leave him.So he dies tell you he wants kids,you shortly after say when,when?
He's told you 2 years but I expect he means later than that.
If you are desperate to have children this young then you need a different man but you may be looking a while as not many men PLAN to have any that young.
If you love him would you leave him if one or both of you were infertile?
Forget what the norm is for your family and ask yourself what you really want.If it's him and his children then wait and it will be worth it.

If your boyfriend was my son, I be telling him to run a mile from you and to always use condoms.

I understand what people are saying about kids being a big responsibility. I’ve help raise my younger siblings I know how much work it is.

As for wheelerdeeler
Apples - you are not ready to have a child, You cannot support a child. You are both too young. Get a good job and savings under your belt, buy a house - security. That is what you need to be doing at 21.

(incidentally I'll eat my hat if you are together by the time you are 30)

We both a great jobs and qualifications. We live together. Savings isn’t a necessity.
Then you went on to say I’d eat my hat if you’re still together by 30, that’s not advice. It’s a statement made on personal opinion that was harsh and unneeded.

We both don’t enjoying doing this most other people our age do.
Neither of us enjoy going out and drinking or partying.
As for holidays we do go on holiday together. Having a child doesn’t make going on holiday impossible, harder yes but not impossible.

I do want to be with him and it’s his kids I want. There’s no question in that. What I don’t understand is why there can be no compromise, isn’t that what relationships are about? I am always willing to compromise with him for anything he wants to do. I don’t see why I have to either sacrifice my happiness and wait 2+ years or leave him. I appreciate the advise from you all it’s helping me work though what I’m thinking and feeling. It’s also helping me put it into words so when it comes to speaking to him I know what I need to say

Ukgift2016 Why? I’ve supported him though a lot.

When he wanted to leave work to go get another degree i stayed in full time work and supported the both of us.

When we were in collage and he was depressed, I helped in through.

His parents separation, I sat with him whilst he cried and screamed.

I’ve always put him before anyone else. I’ve defended him when no ones else would, I stayed with him when I thought someone else was carrying his child.

I’ve done nothing for you to say if t was your son you’d tell him to run

@number3or4 what absolute crap. We're not living in the stone ages here. You don't Need to be married to have children.

You're quite right about that. However you are also quite wrong about what number3or4 was saying ....

why there can be no compromise

But this is a huge life changing decision OP.

It's not like what colour car to buy. It's something that will completely change your lives forever and you can't take it back, and it seems that he isn't sure of what he wants.

He might get 2 years down the line and still feel not ready, which wouldn't be unreasonable in the slightest as he'd still only be 24.

You can't make him promise to be ready for something when he has no idea how he will feel in 2 years. IF he still doesn't feel ready in 2 years should he feel forced to have a baby against his own wishes?

What are your great jobs and qualifications?

Hes a web developer, I work within a company sorting out debts for people.

Qualifications wise
I have all my GCSEs c-a grade
I have 3 a levels, photography and English language and literature.

Him
He has 5 different qualifications for his web development
Business a level
English language a level
Photography a level
As well as all his GCSEs b-a grade

Something is not adding up here...

Savings are a great idea, remember you will likely be off work for 9 months to a year with maternity pay which isn't great, and childcare when you go back part time will be pricey (if you have other arrangements it's sensible to calculate it in case). I can see why you are feeling disappointed, but he is entitled to change his mind, and although there is absolutely nothing wrong with being young and unmarried and having children, if both of you aren't on the same page it isn't fair.

I understand saving are a good idea, all I said was they weren’t a necessity. As for child care, both our grandparents have offered to take it in turns minding the child whilst we work. His father has also offered as he isn’t allowed to work due to a stroke he had 2 years ago.

I understand he is entitled to change his mind and I understand i can’t not pressure him into something he doesn’t want to do. I wouldn’t do that anyway.

Yes you are young & he is perfectly normal to not want children at 22 (I wasn’t ready until I was 26).

I think the bigger issue here is that he gave you a timeline purely because he knew that if he said he didn’t want kids you’d leave him. He was manipulating you to stay with him.

I do want to be with him and it’s his kids I want. There’s no question in that. What I don’t understand is why there can be no compromise, isn’t that what relationships are about? I am always willing to compromise with him for anything he wants to do. I don’t see why I have to either sacrifice my happiness and wait 2+ years or leave him

Because the only compromise would be forcing him to have a child that he doesn't want or isn't ready for. The person who will suffer the most as a result is the child.

If you can, try and flip the situation in your head, or pretend your close friend is telling you that her boyfriend is trying to persuade her into have a baby she isn't ready for. What would your advice be? If his family were suggesting he just slip the condom off during sex (the only comparison I can come up with rn to stopping taking the pill or removing an implant without their knowledge).
Imagine your friend in tears because she just isn't ready and just doesn't want to have a baby. Would you tell her to compromise?

"I don’t see why I have to either sacrifice my happiness and wait 2+ years or leave him."

Because you're not sacrificing your happiness waiting 2 years to have a child. At all. You are 21. You have years ahead of you to make this decision. I think the question really is: why are you so adamant and so desperate about having a child right now? What is lacking in your life as a 21 year old? Maybe the answer lies in the fact that neither you nor he sound like you are enjoying your youth to the fullest. If so, having a child could be one of the worst mistakes you ever make.

OP it sounds like you've got everything planned. That isn't fair. He isn't ready to have a baby with you and you've planned our childcare and working arrangements. That's way too much pressure for someone.

I understand that the manipulation is a problem. The things that gets me to most about it was it didn’t need to be done. I hadn’t said anything about leaving him and I wouldn’t have. However, now that he has done that and got my hopes up and then take it away, it hurts a lot more than it did before

It has only been planned because he said we were going to try. He told his dad, his mum, his sister, his grandparents.

Honestly op this will sound harsh but you need to get a grip. Firstly, the relationship clearly isn't all roses from your follow up posts. Secondly, it does not sound like you could both support a child easily. Thirdly, 22 is too young, I was 22 when I had my eldest with my high school sweetheart, all worked out fine but it is still TOO YOUNG (and we had stable careers, on the same page and marriage).

Lastly, none of the points I've made matter because he doesn't want a child right now and that is the end of it. You deal with it, or you end it, but it's extremely irrational to break up with someone not wanting a child at 22.

You have a baby with him now I guarantee you you'll end up a single parent, I'd stake a lot of money on that.

What I don’t understand is why there can be no compromise

It’s hard to compromise on having a kid. You would be an idiot to purposefully have a kid with someone who doesn’t yet want one. You talk a lot about why you want a kid young but that’s not the problem is it! Your 22 year old boyfriend doesn’t want one and that’s all that matters. You can either wait and see if he changes his mind or you can leave him. What you can’t do is coerce him or guilt trip him into having a child when he doesn’t want one.

Your impatience to have a baby comes across as a bit immature. A few years won’t make any difference.