My boyfriend doesn’t want a baby yet and I don’t know what to do.

[Apples1998]

I’m new to this and I don’t know where else to turn. Our family’s are much help as they all just tell me to go head and to take my implant out and just do it.

So a bit of back ground. We’ve been together 5 years and are madly in love. We’ve been through a lot together and he’s basically my best friend and boyfriend rolled into one.

About 18 months ago I got pregnant whilst talking the pill. When I found out I was nervous and happy at the same time but when I told him he kinda broke down. He said he wasn’t ready for a baby, he didn’t believe he could love it how it would deserve to be loved because it would change everything so much and he wasn’t ready for that. After a long while of arguing and discussion, I ultimately decided to have an abortion because I could see how much it was hurting him and I couldn’t stand it.

At first I was okay, I was kind of just numb to it. However, as time went on I started to feel a lot of regret and grief. I didn’t want to talk to him about it because I didn’t want to upset him or for him to blame himself. So about 2 months ago it all became to much and I just broke down. I went to stay with my mum for a week to clear my head. Whilst I was away I told him everything. How I felt, that I wanted a baby. During this conversation he agreed that he felt similar and we could try for a baby soonish. So when I got back we started to talk about it. I asked him when will we be able to start trying, not getting my hopes up to much that it would be soon but kinda hoping it would be. He said once we’d sorted something’s out we could, do in his word by the end of July.

Then about 4 days ago he brings up going on holiday. I was all for it but explained to him we would need to plan it around having the baby. When I said that it was meet with a sigh and an eye roll. So I asked him what’s was wrong. This is when he told me that he doesn’t want a baby yet, he’s not ready. Give me 2 years maximum. He said he feels like he’s being pressured into it but it was all his idea. He said he believed that if he didn’t say we could try for one I’d leave him.

I’ve never felt as hurt in my life. He made all these promises to just rip them away from me. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I love him and I don’t want to leave him but I want a baby more than anything else in the world.

Marriage isn’t a “constitution”. It’s an institution. One that helps protect you if you have kids. Especially if you go part time.
You are very young. You seem to have decided that’s having a baby is the only thing that will make you happy. That’s very intense. He doesn’t seem to feel the same way now. He may never do.
And GCSEs and A levels don’t make you highly qualified.

Good grief your life sounds like it’s been unstable. I guess that’s where your desperation to form your own family comes from. No judgement, I do get it. You do need to think with your head and not with your heart tho.

@McHelenz is isn’t so much walked over as it is I am a people please as they call it. I knew he really didn't want a baby. He had made it very clear he wouldn’t be happy and it would in his words “destroy” his life so I feel obligated to have the abortion because he wasn’t willing to budge on it. I’m willing to wait because I love him. As for the cheating, he never cheated we were broke up for 1-2 months a few years ago and he slept with someone else who told him she was pregnant when she wasn’t to try and get him to leave me and go to her.

He is a comfort, you are right. However, when we met he was planning a on moving to japan and teach English which he decide he didn’t want to do anymore because it meant he would either need to marry me ASAP so I could go with him or he would have to leave me behind. Both of which he didn’t want to do, we had been together 2 years at the time. As he says he doesn’t regret the choice he made because he wouldn’t be happy in Japan, this was part of the reason we broke up for the few months because we had spent 2ish years together and we needed to see what life would be like without each other (if that makes sense, it’s hard to describe why we did it and the long conversation we had before it happened) when it happened it was never agreed we would get back together it kinda just happened because we both loved each other and weren’t happy without each other.

TBH you don’t sound that happy together either. And you broke up a few years ago but have only been together 5?

Marriage protects you, especially if you decide to become a SAHM. There is no such thing as common law in this country. You can put yourself in a really vulnerable position, there are endless threads about it on here where women have found themselves left with nothing after they’ve split with their partner. It’s just something to be mindful of.

I never said I we had great qualifications, We both work hard at our jobs. I never wanted to go to uni, not everyone needs to. I don’t need to be married, the more everyone is mentioning marriage the more it puts me off, no offence. My mum managed perfectly fine being a single mum raising kids working full time. It may not work out for everyone, I get that. I have a great family support system behind me who are willing to go above and beyond to help me in anyway needed. His family are the same. When I got pregnant the first time they made it very clear if I decided to keep it and things didn’t work they would still be there for me and the child.

I understand how much work goes into looking after a child, I have been around it my entire life. Sure it’s not the same as dealing with it first hand but I do truely understand.

Sure, it can work, but why start off on the back foot? Surely it makes more sense to be as settled and stable and happy as you can be before trying for a baby? It seems a little like you enjoy the struggle and the drama of it all, not a good basis for a family

You really don’t. Not a clue. You can’t have until you’ve been the only one getting up in the night and cleaning up vomit and getting no sleep etc etc.
You really do sound very very young. You don’t have to go to university. Not at all but you do need to actually live a little.

If you keep on with your obsession about having a baby he is going to walk away. He doesn't want a baby. He's made that clear.

If you try to trap him by becoming pregnant he will walk away. He won't suddenly change his mind.

You're so young OP, you can do so much with your life. Why is having a baby your only goal? Don't you want to achieve things, get a better job, more qualifications, experience things, travel, see the world? And then have a baby when you've done things and are in a better financial position to do so?

Why do you want to get bogged down in nappies and night feeds rather than having the best time that you can right now?

@Apples1998 but you haven't told me there what has he done for YOU.

Everything there revolves around him and him putting some (maybe intentional, maybe not) guilt onto you. The baby would destroy him, he didn't go to Japan because of you (again that's your fault when he brings up giving up his dreams).

I mean this in the kindest possible way, from how you talk you sound alot like me - lacking in self esteem and needing someone to be there. When I was your age all I needed was a boyfriend, no matter how bad they treated me. I was desperate to be loved no matter where that came from. Maybe that's why I wanted a child so young? Someone to love and to love me back?

It's taken a lot for me to start to not need that. I know you'll deny it but I think you're similar. I think this is long term and any change is scary; but things you say about him don't sound nice. You may be a people pleaser but he is using you as a door mat.

We broke up for 2 months max because we’d spent the all of collage together. We wanted to experience a little bit of adult hood without each other, to “find ourselves” as people say. Couples break up sometimes, it happens. We got back together because we loved each other. We are happy together, we both want to be together. The only issue we have is over the baby thing. Everything else we compromise on and work together for. We’re always doing something together no matter what it is. We have a common understanding on what makes us work as a couple. The only issues we have is about wanting a kid.

Honestly that all sounds a bit intense and needy. Friends? Enjoying life? Experiences? Learning and growing as a person? Travelling? Hobbies? Fun?
Or just you two together all the time?
Sounds like a teen relationship not an adult one at all TBH.

That is a major major issue though to be fair.

You cannot have a child with him if he is not ready and does not want one.

Oh OP, everything you post makes it more and more clear that you're really not ready for a baby. Getting married protects you and your child in the event of a relationship breakdown. In that sense, you really do need to be married - unless you're willing to / want to work full time after having the baby and not allow your career to be effected in any way.

I understand how much work goes into looking after a child, I have been around it my entire life. Sure it’s not the same as dealing with it first hand but I do truely understand.

You cannot understand the relentless grind and crushing responsibility of having a child until you have one. Nobody can. For a while you lose everything else in your life. It's incredibly hard, even with a supportive and willing partner.

Do you do things apart too? You don't need to be together all the time.

The thing is OP you need to have a good think about this. This isn't "just" baby thing. It can be make or break.

He needs to be honest, completely honest, that in the future he sees that. Because if not you then need to decide if you're happy without a baby or you need to walk away. Or you may end up at 30 having to start again when he's actually made his mind up.

This just sounds a bit controlling and a way to stop you from leaving.

@McHelenz it’s not like that with the Japan thing. I don’t feel guilting or like it’s my fault he didn’t go. He’s dreams changed because of me. There is no resentment from either of us about that. After being with me for 2 years he decided that he didn’t want to go and leave me and marriage wasn’t on option ( as I’m sure you’ve read, I’m not w fan), what he wanted changed. He didn’t want to go there anymore because he wanted a life with me. This is part of why we separated, it was mostly me, I believed we need to experience life without each other as I didn’t want him to through away his dream just because he loved me. After the time apart, we didn’t speak much for the first month as we needed to try and be apart. It was a complicated time for us because we loved each other and it was hard so after sometime apart he came to me and spoke to me about it and decided that it was what he wanted. He didn’t want to go to Japan anymore he wanted to be with me. He never uses it against me in anyway. I was just making a point that he gave it up because he wanted to be with me and it was a big decision to make

Well there is the dilemma. He doesn't want a kid and you do.

I think he is right, the pair of you, quite frankly, aren't ready to be parents. You disagree.

That's your choice. You're both too young and too immature as you can't agree and your reasons for wanting a child just seem odd. Understandable for someone so young but not normal.

If your DP was my DS I'd be advising him to wear a condom at all times and to seriously think about whether he still wanted to be in a relationship with you. Your need for a baby seems to be all you care about, your partner's needs not so much.

Fair, but it's not a comparison, getting an abortion for someone is huge. Then he says he regrets it? It just all reeks mind games from over here.

Apart from work and live together what do you do? Youve already said you dont go out because you don't see the point. So what lives do you have? I just feel there's so much more you could experience, you're in a much better position than most 21 year olds.

How do my answer make me sound like I’m not ready? I’m being truthful and trying to explain everything the best I can. I do not want to get married and no matter how great marriage may appear to everyone else I don’t want it. As I’ve been told I need to respect my partners decision not to want a child yet, you all need to respect mine to not want to get married.

As for the baby thing, I refer to it as that for ease. By it I mean the whole situation around wanting a child and waiting and how we feel.

Yes we do things apart. We go out with our respective friends and family and have even gin on holiday without each other (on girls and guys holidays).

I know he wants kids, that I’m not disputing. We had talked about it before I got pregnant. We both made it very clear when we got serious that it was something we wanted. I had a miscarriage when I was 15. I wasn’t ready then and I knew I wasn’t. It hurt but I’m greatful, don’t take it the wrong way, that it happened because the guy I was with it wasn’t a proper relationship. We didn’t love each other it was purely sex. He knows about all of this.

OP, you initially wanted kids mid twenties - then you said 23-25. Either wait 2 years or find someone else. Honestly? 21 and 22 is quite young to be parents these days. A couple more years would give you much better standing financially, and to build relationship and resilience

Purely sex at 15? Jeez. No wonder your judgment is skewed.
You were discussing having kids at aged 16? Way too much. Way too soon.
You can’t rely on kids or a partner to make you happy. You need to have your own life and goals and find happiness there.

You’re not the first person to say that. I will repeat myself again. I will not trap him. I will not deliberately get pregnant against his wishes. Why wouldn’t he want to be in a relationship with me? As I’ve said he knows about this thread, our chats and everyone opinion. You says that if it was your son you’d be telling him to see a condom and to contemplate if he wants this relationship. But why? Because I want something before he does. I’ve made it clear I’m going to wait. I’ve not done anything to manipulate him into it.

We do a lot together. We both enjoying playing video games together. We have date nights with movies or tv shows. We go out on days out together. We go on holiday together. We go out and socialise together with our friends or family. We just don’t enjoy drinking and partying, it’s just not for us. We don’t need to do that to have fun. There is the odd time we will go out like that but it’s very, very rare. When we finished collage we tried all that kinda thing and we’d be out for an hour and hate it and would rather be at home together playing a game or watching a movie spending quality time together rather than getting shit faced

Yeah, purely sex. I didn’t understand that at the time of course. It wasn’t like I went into it looking for a shag. He was my first proper boyfriend, after we broke up and I met my partner and fell in love I realised that what I had with my ex was purely based on sex. We didn’t do things together like I do with my Partner. We’d see each other everyday but it would be spending time at his and having sex. I just didn’t realise at the time that that was what it was

Do you understand why people are saying you should get married? Do you understand how vulnerable it makes you financially if you don't? Why don't you want to?

Well OP I can relate to your story a lot. I was friends with my partner for a long time, we ended up sleeping together drunk in uni and I got pregnant very early on in our official relationship. We chose an abortion and both regretted it day after day. We even both went to therapy to heal. We did the party thing and "lived life to the fullest" and it got boring after a year. We moved house and got engaged and then about two months later, I found out I was pregnant. We both decided to keep the baby. We decided for legal reasons it would be easier to get married and we could all be a family unit under the same name. I got married at 28 weeks pregnant. Best day of my life!
We are both 22, our baby is now a beautiful 6 month old and we are the happiest we've ever been. We love that we can all grow together as a family.
Not everyone agrees with the path you choose and I'm sure loads will criticise you on your decisions; but as long as you and your partner are on the same page, you'll make it work. Good luck my lovely!