My boyfriend doesn’t want a baby yet and I don’t know what to do.

[Apples1998]

I’m new to this and I don’t know where else to turn. Our family’s are much help as they all just tell me to go head and to take my implant out and just do it.

So a bit of back ground. We’ve been together 5 years and are madly in love. We’ve been through a lot together and he’s basically my best friend and boyfriend rolled into one.

About 18 months ago I got pregnant whilst talking the pill. When I found out I was nervous and happy at the same time but when I told him he kinda broke down. He said he wasn’t ready for a baby, he didn’t believe he could love it how it would deserve to be loved because it would change everything so much and he wasn’t ready for that. After a long while of arguing and discussion, I ultimately decided to have an abortion because I could see how much it was hurting him and I couldn’t stand it.

At first I was okay, I was kind of just numb to it. However, as time went on I started to feel a lot of regret and grief. I didn’t want to talk to him about it because I didn’t want to upset him or for him to blame himself. So about 2 months ago it all became to much and I just broke down. I went to stay with my mum for a week to clear my head. Whilst I was away I told him everything. How I felt, that I wanted a baby. During this conversation he agreed that he felt similar and we could try for a baby soonish. So when I got back we started to talk about it. I asked him when will we be able to start trying, not getting my hopes up to much that it would be soon but kinda hoping it would be. He said once we’d sorted something’s out we could, do in his word by the end of July.

Then about 4 days ago he brings up going on holiday. I was all for it but explained to him we would need to plan it around having the baby. When I said that it was meet with a sigh and an eye roll. So I asked him what’s was wrong. This is when he told me that he doesn’t want a baby yet, he’s not ready. Give me 2 years maximum. He said he feels like he’s being pressured into it but it was all his idea. He said he believed that if he didn’t say we could try for one I’d leave him.

I’ve never felt as hurt in my life. He made all these promises to just rip them away from me. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I love him and I don’t want to leave him but I want a baby more than anything else in the world.

I'm sorry, but give him a break. You are both very young & you ARE putting pressure in him, which is wrong & it's not like there any real rush at your age. You & any baby will also have no security with him at all if he's the main earner & you are not married. Think about marrying first, that way you might have a clue he'll stick around & you've more security. You're way too young to be pressuring the guy into fatherhood. Sorry if it's not what you want to hear, but I think you need to hear it

Also it's not necessarily true that he lied. He may have simply changed his mind, which he's allowed to do especially considering your ages.

I'm sorry, but leaving him for a week & staying elsewhere whilst you break down & tell him how important having a baby is, IS PUTTING pressure on the lad. You might not intend it that way, but if he fears he'll loose you if he doesn't agree to a baby, then that is one big heap of pressure & is unfair

I'd wait the two years speaking from experience, I was desperate to have a kid at 21 and luckily my now dh didn't want one that young so we agreed to wait a few years... it's the best thing I've ever done because we got to spend our money doing fun things, we got married, could afford nice things and I went back to college. All of which wouldn't be possible with a child, I'm 24 now, 35 weeks pregnant and even though we're in good paying jobs we've had to cut back our lifestyle because of how expensive baby shit is.
Enjoy the time together, make a list of stuff you can't do with a baby and go and have fun with each other because babies are expensive and they do add pressure to a relationship and you both need to be on board with it 100% because that's a whole human you're bringing into the relationship.

Also before someone flames me for the comment on that stuff not being possible with a child, I meant for me personally I wouldn't have been in the position to have done half the stuff I've done.

While you're waiting, OP, book a holiday together. Abroad, all inclusive if you can afford it. Just try it once.

I was 20 when I had my twins (unplanned). I know you may feel ready but it’s the hardest thing me and my DH ever had to do. We were both still at uni (we both managed to get our degrees, thanks to our parent support), didn’t have a house, didn’t have a real job. We were the first of our friends to have kids so felt very lonely. We’re in a great place now, but it took a lot of work and as much as I would never regret having my boys it would’ve been much easier if we waited until we were older.

I think because we have maternal instincts we can sometimes let that cloud our judgement when it comes to babies. Whereas our DP’s see the logical side to it and that’s why some men and not ready to have children until much later in life. This isn’t your DP’s fault and he’s entitled to not feel ready to have a baby, especially at a young age. And if you’re going to have a baby so young you both need to be completely on board so that it’s easier for the both of you

Oh OP I get it I really do.
I was just like you- settled down at 18 and wanted a baby SOOO much but there was always a reason not to, a house, money, marriage, our relationship... always something and I used to get SOOO frustrated and think ‘why can’t we just bloody do it and then we’ll deal with whatever happens after’.

People would comment on my age and I’d think ‘it’s none of your business YOU don’t KNOW me’ 😡😂

I didn’t - for whatever reason I never took the plunge. But I’m 27 now and NOT the person I was at 18 or 21! I’m married to a man I didn’t even know back then.
We have a beautiful home, a completely solid relationship, financial security and amazing family support.

I get to have children with a man who will be THRILLED and if anything is more excited than me! And I get to go part time in the knowledge that IF anything goes wrong I can stay in my house with my children and I’ll be entitled to half of everything (including his VERY good pension). I also get to enjoy our families being SUPER thrilled and excited with us.

It’s up to you when you decide to become a mother - but consider what experience you want it to be. How do you want to enjoy becoming a mum?

I was also settled at 21. We’d been together for 5 years at that point, madly in love.
I’m now 34, am married and have three children.... to someone else. Spilt with my first boyfriend at 24 when I realised our life goals were completely different and some things you can’t compromise on (in our case he wanted to marry and start a family and I wanted to travel and progress my career). We never would have worked out in the long run.

In the nicest possible way
You are both very young

I think the abortion nY be pushing you into trying sooner

I think both review it once you get to 25

It's not like he doesn't want them but really there is no rush

You talk about your family having kids young but they sound utterly immature by suggesting you trick him to have a baby. So they're hardly a good example

I understand what everyone is saying. We’ve talked about it and i knows how he feels. He’s said he regrets having the abortion but is scared to says yes we can try because he doesn’t feel ready, however as I said before, he’s said if it happens without us trying it happens. He wouldn’t ask me to go through it again and by him being in control of birth control in his words he feels like that will take some pressure off me and will help with me emotions as I want have all the extra hormones from the birth control. He also said it means he could never “blame or resent me” because I wasn’t the one responsible for keeping on top of it. That’s a decision he has made himself, I never asked it of him I just told him about it after he said about me going back on the pill.

As for going to stay with my mum for a week. She lives on the other side of the county. I don’t get to see her and in my time of need all I wanted to to see my mum. Cry to her and have her hold me. He knew I was coming back, I had made that very clear from the moment I left. I spoke to him everyday and assured him I wasn’t going to leave him, that I just really needed my mum. There was no pressure put on him by me, I told him when I was down there that yes I wanted a baby but I didn’t say I want a baby right now or else. I even asked him a few times if he was sure and he said he was.

I don’t resent him for saying he isn’t ready, I appreciate the honest I just wish he had been honest earlier rather than later to save me the pain. It’s just hard, I wasn’t sure where to go next or what to do. I couldn’t speak to anyone about it. I knew everyone I spoke to (friends and family wise) would be bias to one or the other which is why I came here for an unbiased prospective 😊

He'd be a fool if he actually wanted to have kids at has age. Re-visit the topic when you are both closer to your mid twenties. And married.

@Bambamber as I said before it’s not my family it’s his. More accurately his dad

@TeaForTheWin I don’t understand why wanton kids in your early 20s is a foolish thing to do? As everyone keeps telling me it’s personal preference. As I said I’ve agreed to wait to the two year but I’ve explained to him if he moves the timescale again because he isn’t ready I won’t be staying. He understands this and agrees, as I said it’s his idea

If your families had you both at 16 then they will know how hard it is and should be encouraging you to go out and live your life first, not telling you to take your implant out. That’s the worst, most immature advice ever.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting a baby at 22.

It sounds like the abortion traumatised you and you want to have a baby as you feel it will fix it.
First port of call would be counselling to work through your issues around this and to deal with your emotions about the abortion. Don't have a baby to feel better that's not a good reason and it also won't make you feel better.
You'll be in a better place to deal with being a parent if you have sorted these issues too so do that then reassess.

Sounds like a good conversation @Apples1998

I reckon do talk to someone about your abortion too - it's good that you and your partner are able to talk about it now, but let more of that grief out (with someone who isn't going to tell you to just get pregnant again), maybe with someone who's been through the same. It's clearly hit you hard, and talking will help you process it no matter what your other life circumstances are. Wishing you and your DP all the very best 

Everyone keeps mentioning marriage. I personal do not believe in the constitution of marriage. My mother married my sisters dad at 19 after being together for 2 years and about a month after marriage he cheated on her. She spent years trying to get a divorce as when she tried to anole the marriage he forgot to sing the paper work. So I’m the end she has to pay out for lawyers to sort it all out so she can marry my step dad, who she has been with since I was 13 and has only been married to for 3 years before which they had 2 children, he was also only 23 when they got together.

You just sound like you're a bit walked over. You had an abortion for him, you will wait two years for him, he cheated on you and potentially had another child and that was fine.

What is he doing for you? Bar from being a comfort because you've been together for 5 years. Its things like this as to why people are saying you won't stay together, things you mention make him sound like a not very kind person.

Also, the marriage can't be too bad if she's done it twice can it?

Just because people got by doing these things when they were young doesn't mean you should.

If you could build savings before getting pregnant it would make the whole experience easier and less stressful.

Also, you need to be financially protected be it marriage or civil partnership. Read the threads on here to see how many women end up financially wrecked trying to bring up kids alone, juggling work with childcare, struggling to afford decent housing.

Use the next 2 years to plan.

@Apples1998 do you plan to own a house? Will you be reducing your hours after having a baby? Important questions to ask and think about if you don't want marriage.

I feel for you OP, you obviously have a real desire to have a baby now and you can't help that you feel that way. And you're right people do have babies at your age and younger and manage but I promise you will enjoy motherhood much more if you wait until you're a little older and both ready. I think it's totally reasonable and actually very normal that your bf is not ready for a baby at his age.
I feel like we're all being a little patronising towards you but please wait the 2 years, go on the holidays, have nice meals out, enjoy each other! Honestly you have soo much time to have babies, it completely changes your life and your relationship so enjoy your youth while you have it. If you have a baby now I really don't see your relationship lasting.

You both sound far too immature to be having children together. You don't have great jobs and great qualifications, lets be honest. At least your DP is more realistic than you are about what is involved and as such I understand his reluctance. You actually remind me of a former colleague who was desperate to have a baby so she could give up work.

I had my DS when I was 19, nearly 20. DH and I owned our own home, both worked full time and had great family support but it was incredibly hard work. It's the hardest thing we've ever done. We ended up in debt for years and sometimes it was utterly miserable. I wasn't entitled to paid maternity leave - thanks Maggie Thatcher - so I went back to work when DS was 3 months old. That was fun. Not.

Take your time, don't rush it. You are so young and your partner isn't with you. I suspect for a very good reason.