My boyfriend doesn’t want a baby yet and I don’t know what to do.

[Apples1998]

I’m new to this and I don’t know where else to turn. Our family’s are much help as they all just tell me to go head and to take my implant out and just do it.

So a bit of back ground. We’ve been together 5 years and are madly in love. We’ve been through a lot together and he’s basically my best friend and boyfriend rolled into one.

About 18 months ago I got pregnant whilst talking the pill. When I found out I was nervous and happy at the same time but when I told him he kinda broke down. He said he wasn’t ready for a baby, he didn’t believe he could love it how it would deserve to be loved because it would change everything so much and he wasn’t ready for that. After a long while of arguing and discussion, I ultimately decided to have an abortion because I could see how much it was hurting him and I couldn’t stand it.

At first I was okay, I was kind of just numb to it. However, as time went on I started to feel a lot of regret and grief. I didn’t want to talk to him about it because I didn’t want to upset him or for him to blame himself. So about 2 months ago it all became to much and I just broke down. I went to stay with my mum for a week to clear my head. Whilst I was away I told him everything. How I felt, that I wanted a baby. During this conversation he agreed that he felt similar and we could try for a baby soonish. So when I got back we started to talk about it. I asked him when will we be able to start trying, not getting my hopes up to much that it would be soon but kinda hoping it would be. He said once we’d sorted something’s out we could, do in his word by the end of July.

Then about 4 days ago he brings up going on holiday. I was all for it but explained to him we would need to plan it around having the baby. When I said that it was meet with a sigh and an eye roll. So I asked him what’s was wrong. This is when he told me that he doesn’t want a baby yet, he’s not ready. Give me 2 years maximum. He said he feels like he’s being pressured into it but it was all his idea. He said he believed that if he didn’t say we could try for one I’d leave him.

I’ve never felt as hurt in my life. He made all these promises to just rip them away from me. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I love him and I don’t want to leave him but I want a baby more than anything else in the world.

No one is saying you should go out clubbing and drinking.
But you spend time with him. Play video games with him. Etc etc.
What about you. Just you. You need your own life.
Yep. I would be telling my son to use condoms and try and broaden his horizons a bit. Progress at work? Travel? Learn a new skill?

I just don’t want to. I never have. I understand what people are saying about it but it doesn’t mean I should. Marriage equals financial stability, sure. It doesn’t mean getting married is for everyone. If I was to get married right now it would because I was pressured into it. I’ve always said I didn’t want to get married. I’m not saying I never will, that would be a silly thing to say. My other half wants to get married, he knows I don’t like the idea. We’ve spoken about it and I’ve agreed to think about it but that doesn’t me I have to follow to the rules of marriage before a child. He knows that I may not want to and is okay with that it’s not a deal breaker for him. His mum and dad didn’t get married till he was 14, it’s personal preference

Trust me. Live a little first. You are so young. At your age I was travelling, studying, working, making friends, learning new hobbies, basically finding myself.
I had my first child at 33... no regrets at all. Having children is such a massive game changer. Your whole life is tipped upside down.
You will never get that freedom of choice again, at least not for another twenty or so years.

I think your feelings sound like possibly related to what what you went through before-regret? Or maybe boredom?

But the most significant factor in everything you have written, is that your partner doesn't seem quite ready. That's a worry. I'd definitely leave it and grow up a bit more and gain some more life experience

As I’ve said before we do things apart. We spent time with our friends and family. We’ve been on holidays without each other.

It sounds like you come from a very complicated family which is skewing your judgement on this. Pregnancy at 15. Family members implying its OK to oops a guy about contraception. Everyone around you pregnant young. Skewed views on marriage and irresponsible about finances.

You aren't ready and need more life experience so you can get perspective

How can financial security be optional if you plan a child?
I don't understand how you can think that having a child doesn't require financial stability and commitment between the parents.

So are you prepared to return to work full time after having a baby? Are you prepared to not allow having a baby to damage your earning potential in any way?

Marriage is not "personal preference". It affords you vital protections. Read some of the dozens of threads on the Relationships board from women who - just like you - didn't want to get married, had kids with someone they loved and who loved them, and are now facing severe financial hardship because they gave up their careers to look after their children and their partners have left them with nothing.

I’ve said already I’m going to wait. We’ve spoken about this and decided together what we are going to do. There seems to be a lot of criticism directed at me and what I want, like it is stupid and doesn’t really matter. I appreciate all the help and advice I have been given. I have thoughts about the feeling being related to what happened but I don’t feel like a baby will replace the one I aborted. It’s not out of boredom. I feel like because I’m young people aren’t acting like I know what I want. It’s quite degrading in all honesty. Especially with comments about our relationship not lasting and if he was my son I’d... comments. Being told to grow up is one of the most patronising things to say to someone.

Op it's not about marriage being moral or stable it's that he can't just leave you high and dry holding baby if you are married. You will lose Money having a child- maternity and then being at home or going part time. If he leaves you won't necessarily be entitled to anything unless married.
Also you become each others next of kin so can make medical decisions and decisions in death plus entitlements to pensions etc.
If you want a child together these things are important.
As a woman you become more vulnerable as a mother so marriage helps protect you.

I am a full blown atheist. Marriage should never be forced on anyone. As my partner has just said to me whilst I vented to him about my annoyance on being told I should marry. I own half of everything already. As for financially, I would go part time to start with and then once the child was 1-2 ish I would go back full time.

You know what every has been saying about putting pressure on him for a child and how I should do it? This is exactly what is happening right now with everyone telling me why I should get married instead of respecting my wishes

Apples1998 that's the joy of civil partnership - nothing to do with religion.

But you really do need to grow.
And you may not want or be able to return full time. My eldest had serious health issues.
You own half of what exactly? Legally if you’re not married you have very few rights. It’s not about being Godly or about morality. It’s about self protection.

Marriage equals financial stability
It’s more than that, but at 21 I was you, didn’t even understand the implications when it came to marriage and children. That clock kicked in and I totally wanted a baby. So we went for it, and tbh neither of us were ready. Really.

My first baby came when I was 22, she was extremely premature, she has disabilities. Fuck, nothing could have prepared me for that, I couldn’t go back to work.

I’m 32 now. I see things in Facebook memories from those days , I realise now I was so young, so immature, so much to learn. I was defiant. I wanted my way.

My friends are only starting to have kids about 27-30. They are all married, they have the most amazing careers. I fought to get a career after kids. We haven’t had a holiday abroad since we were 20. We didn’t live.

Apples1998 people are giving opinions as requested, many based on experience of people who have been there and done it.

You are entitled to your opinion and no-one on here can force anything on you.

Out of interest do you also reject civil partnership and if so why?

If you go back to work part time and the relationship breaks down you would be financially vulnerable. Even if working full time it's tough doing all the childcare in addition.

You mention using a relative for childcare who isn't fit to work due to having a stroke. Are they therefore fit to do childcare?

Hmm, haven't read the entire thread.

I think it's understandable that at 22 for a man to not be certain and get cold feet. It's a big decision and not something to rush into. You have obviously come to know what you want early on, the desire to have a baby is strong in some.

The advice to wait however is not bad advice. You're young yet. You can books your career maybe look to buying yourself a house as you both have reasonably good jobs. It's not going to hurt you, your relationship or your potential child.

Waiting is hard but sometimes you do have to wait. It's something you'll have to teach your kid too.

But you do i think need to make it clear to your boyfriend. And then you have to makes your own choice.

You could give it until you are 25. Create a few life goals. Save up x amount. Get a promotion. And then you will try for a baby and if he still isn't ready by then... You will have to make that decision. To leave and have a child with someone else. Or to stay and have a baby or to accept you may never have children with your other half.

I think to sit down and try to seriously contemplate each situation. Give yourself time. Calmness.

I think after your abortion you have suffered a lot of trauma and it's made you want a child much more immediately. Had you not give through that would you still feel the same or would you be more willing to wait?

Basically. Waiting isn't going to hurt anyone. So what's the reason for not waiting? Your emotional well-being should not dependent on having a child.

I don't think you'll regret waiting. You might not regret not waiting either of course. But your boyfriend might.

I think you should wait until he is ready, or until you realise he might never be ready. Because having a child with a willing participant is much more rewarding. Than worrying if he only went through with it because you wanted it.

Waiting will not hurt and may bring you a more positive outcome in the long run.

Not waiting may cause or problems, or it might make you jealous quicker. But you may never realise the benefits of waiting.

But your wishes will leave you vulnerable and as people who are more experienced and genuinely know what having a child entails, we're trying to help you to protect yourself.

If you don't believe in the institution of marriage, pop down to the registry office and having a civil ceremony. That way you're protected from the loss of earning potential and pension even a few years out of full time work will result in. And bear in mind your child could need more care, meaning you'd be forced to stay at home full time (unless your partner was willing to do it).

You do need to grow up. And I'm not saying that to be patronising or unkind. I'm saying it because you have so much living left to do. You don't have to do the baby thing just yet. I had my daughter at 33 and if I could have waited even longer I would have because my life is now all about her, and always will be. Even when she's older and moves out, she will be my first thought, my priority, my responsibility. And that's wonderful but it's exhausting and all-consuming and if I could have had a bit longer to travel, to save money, to get my house just as I wanted it, to lie in and have sex and see movies and read books and play video games and swim and get tipsy and stay up until 3am talking with my husband, I absolutely would have.

But what I can’t fathom is why every is expecting me to get married. All your saying is that I need it to protect myself financially. My names is on everything. We agreed to split everything evenly when moving in so we are both down for everything. There are plenty of people out there who do not want to get married. As I’ve already said my other half wants to get married so it will be something I contemplate.

It feels as though I am being treated like a child rather than an equal.

If you feel attacked by honest opinions based on sound advice, then you need to step back and figure out what you actually wanted from this thread. Justification? Permission?

Name is on what exactly? Rental? You’re liable for half the rent.
What do you actually own together?
You clearly want a baby. This is about the next 18 years of your life. It’s not about Moses baskets and cute outfits. You seem to have a very naive view of things.

As I have said one than once during this thread, we are going to wait. He is going to take over the responsibility of birth control as we believe it would be best. All I’m saying is I don’t want to get married, yet maybe never. As for a civil partnership, that will be something we could also look into.

Everyone is ready for different things at different points in their lives is the point that is repeatedly being made.

Me and my other half have made a decision with the help of everyone involved.

I’m not after a child for all the pretty things like it’s a toy, I want to raise a child. I am ready to love them and raise them.

I’m off to bed now, goodnight guys

But you're not listening when people explain why you're not financially protected without marriage.

Say you take your two years off to care for your child. Then you have another, and another two years off. That's essentially five years out of the workplace. Five years in which your earning potential remains stagnant (ie no pay rises, no promotions, no extra experience). Five years in which you aren't accumulating your pension. Five years in which your value as an employee drops as do your skills and knowledge. Five years in which you haven't contributed to the mortgage. You want to go back to work but you're struggling to find anything. Then your partner has an affair, or leaves you, or becomes abusive (and I know you'll say he would never do those things but it happens every day to women who would have said the same). He's been paying the mortgage for five years so he owns more equity. Even if he would let you stay in the house you can't afford the mortgage because you can't get a job right now. All he owes you is the measly amount CMS say he has to pay for his child. You are completely vulnerable without marriage.

Your name is on everything - do you mean on the rental contract etc?

That doesn't protect you if the relationship breaks down - it just means you share financial responsibility to pay rent.

And the point of all that was?
If you’re not mature enough to decide to wait without coming on to MN then it’s a good job you are waiting TBH.
You are sounding less mature than my 16 year old.
Go travelling OP.
Learn a new skill.
Add to those qualifications.
Take up an exciting new hobby?
Step away from the video games and open up your eyes to new horizons.
Then come back in a few years and think about maybe (if you’re still together) moving this relationship on.