My boyfriend doesn’t want a baby yet and I don’t know what to do.

[Apples1998]

I’m new to this and I don’t know where else to turn. Our family’s are much help as they all just tell me to go head and to take my implant out and just do it.

So a bit of back ground. We’ve been together 5 years and are madly in love. We’ve been through a lot together and he’s basically my best friend and boyfriend rolled into one.

About 18 months ago I got pregnant whilst talking the pill. When I found out I was nervous and happy at the same time but when I told him he kinda broke down. He said he wasn’t ready for a baby, he didn’t believe he could love it how it would deserve to be loved because it would change everything so much and he wasn’t ready for that. After a long while of arguing and discussion, I ultimately decided to have an abortion because I could see how much it was hurting him and I couldn’t stand it.

At first I was okay, I was kind of just numb to it. However, as time went on I started to feel a lot of regret and grief. I didn’t want to talk to him about it because I didn’t want to upset him or for him to blame himself. So about 2 months ago it all became to much and I just broke down. I went to stay with my mum for a week to clear my head. Whilst I was away I told him everything. How I felt, that I wanted a baby. During this conversation he agreed that he felt similar and we could try for a baby soonish. So when I got back we started to talk about it. I asked him when will we be able to start trying, not getting my hopes up to much that it would be soon but kinda hoping it would be. He said once we’d sorted something’s out we could, do in his word by the end of July.

Then about 4 days ago he brings up going on holiday. I was all for it but explained to him we would need to plan it around having the baby. When I said that it was meet with a sigh and an eye roll. So I asked him what’s was wrong. This is when he told me that he doesn’t want a baby yet, he’s not ready. Give me 2 years maximum. He said he feels like he’s being pressured into it but it was all his idea. He said he believed that if he didn’t say we could try for one I’d leave him.

I’ve never felt as hurt in my life. He made all these promises to just rip them away from me. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I love him and I don’t want to leave him but I want a baby more than anything else in the world.

I don’t need to go out and drink and party to enjoy my life to the fullest. I want a baby because I’m ready to become a mother. There isn’t any underlying issues. I’ve thought about it all. The abortion is what has made me realise all this. I did it for him, after I realised that it wasn’t what I wanted.

You're ready to be a mother but he isn't ready to be a father. That's the bottom line.

That is a compromise, waiting two years. Honestly OP, you are so young. I get wanting babies young, I was the same, and had I gone along with that overwhelming feeling that I wanted to be a mum at 20 or 21, or whatever it was, I’d have trapped myself with the wrong man. There’s nothing wrong with taking a step back and letting yourself develop as an adult first and foremost. There’s absolutely no rush. I get that it’s far from ideal that he said he did want a baby now but ina ll honesty, he probably did mean it at the time and has just thought logically about it since, and realised he’s just not ready. Better that he told you than go ahead with it anyway and be a useless father and partner.

I don’t see why my age matter so much to people.

My mother and his both had us a 16.

My sister is 19 engaged and has a child.

Ages is just the amount of years you’ve been on the earth it doesn’t equate to maturity.

If I was 30 and I had said those this they wouldn’t be getting called impatient and immature. I’m an adult with a job and a home

What I don’t understand is why there can be no compromise

What compromise can there possibly be if he doesn't want a child yet? Its not like getting a dog and compromising about its size or whether you get a puppy or a rescued oldie. No matter what you say or what advice you are offered nothing will change because he doesn't want a baby. The person who doesn't want a child wins the 'argument' because you both need to be on board to have a child.

If you love him as much as you claim what's wrong with waiting? It doesn't matter if you don't like drinking and going out why cant you just enjoy a few years of being a couple, growing and maturing together and the start thinking about having children?

I mean this kindly- OP I don’t think there can be a compromise when it comes to having children. Either he’s ready or he’s not. He can’t have one now just to please you - that’ll breed resentment. The person who doesn’t want one generally trumps the one that does if they decide to stay together. I have one DS & another on the way. I’m positive I’m done. DH would have at least one more but since I don’t want anymore he’s leaving the choice to me.

I don’t see why this is so difficult? He doesn’t want a child. You’d be completely selfish, foolish and terribly vindictive to try and change his mind to fulfil your own desires for a child.

A child should have two parents and neither should be backed into a corner. Babies are hard work. You’re going to end up doing this alone.

Bottom line is that you cannot make someone be ready before they actually are ready, and he can't be sure that he will be ready in 2 years time at age 24, which is perfectly reasonable. Nobody can know how they will feel in 2 years. He's not ready now. If you want to have a baby now then you will need to leave him and find someone who is.

Look, I would love a second child. If it were only my choice, id have 2 right now and be planning a third. I'm gutted that my DS may never have a sibling. My DH does not want another child. Way back when, we both said we wanted 3. After we had 1, it became apparent that it was more than we bargained for and took an emotional toll on us both. DH says he doesn't think he can cope with a second, at least for the time being.
It's really difficult to hear, but no way would I pressure him or guilt him or anything. I love my DH more than I can put into words. I want to grow old(er) with him, share experiences with him, raise our beautiful son together. If that means I'll never have another baby then I'll fully accept that.
It's a different situation but I know the heartache.

@Apples1998 with all due respect you say "hasn't done me any harm" having very young parents, but the harm that's been done is your unrealistic, entitled attitude to having children. You are not in a position to have children and your age is a big reason for that. You will be more mature, more financially secure and have a better prepared partner in years to come. That is why 22 is young.

Sorry I've used quotes there when that isn't what you've said but it's what you are insinuating, shouldn't have used quotation marks.

He's not ready. What's not clear about that?, if you were late 30's to late 40's id understand you feeling annoyed or sad or upset. Focus on growing your career and then have a baby or find someone else 🤷🏼‍♀️

I was pregnant with my first at 21 unplanned still living with parents until just before baby was born and it was the most stressful thing we've gone through, totally not ready and it put a lot of strain on our relationship. In fact if it wasn't for the baby I would have left him.

Baby 2 is due when we are 25, we have our own place and half decent jobs because we know what we are doing this time round and my boyfriend is an amazing dad now.

For a insight into how unprepared and inexperienced we were first time round, baby was a day old and I'd had a very bad delivery (baby got stuck, I haemorrhaged and had to have removal surgery) and my boyfriend decided to leave me and baby to go home for some rest - he spent the next four days at home until I got discharged, even though I couldn't actually get out of bed for three days, I was on oramorph so the midwives had to take baby through the night and do the feeds. I was discharged with baby and my parents took me back to theirs for a week to help me until he decided to be a dad.

Probably the worst time of my life, a time that should have been magical that I can't even bear to look back on.

From a fertility point of view, time is on your side. Clearly your partner is not at all sure he wants to be a father yet. Although you may be ready, he is clearly not, otherwise he wouldn't be dithering. My cousin and her husband married at 21 and had three kids straight away, then a gap of a few years while they concentrated on their business, then had a few more kids. Still very happily married 30 years later. So I disagree that having kids, marriage etc young is not a good idea - it definitely can work! But both of you must be on board with the idea. Just because your families had kids young doesn't mean you have to do the same.

I was just about to post something & then read what @Wheelerdeeler just said. Says it all.

21 & 22 is just so young to have children. You haven't lived yet.......so "kids" your age are still at Uni. There is no rush to have children. Live life first - travel & do stuff you cant do when you have kids.

I'm sorry but you sound very immature. Some of your responses are like a child stamping their foot because they can't get what they want!

Your boyfriend doesn't want a child. He was wrong to lead you on, but on the other hand, he's probably been thinking about it and has changed his mind - which he is perfectly entitled to do.

And you keep asking about a compromise. But in reality, there can't be a compromise here. You just want to get your own way.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but this is a baby you're talking about here, so it's a hugely significant, life-changing matter.

You should compromise because you are young enough to compromise. You have literal decades to have children in. You will still be a very young mum if you wait two years.
I expect this is partly a reaction to terminating your first pregnancy. When I lost my first pregnancy which was unplanned I was desperate to get pregnant again. The loss is real.
Try very hard to find something else to focus on for the next year or so. Take up a sport or hobby, learn a new skill. Save as much money as possible. Take a further work related qualification.

I think you need to choose between respecting your relationship and your desire to have a baby now. You have loads of time - I had my first at 25 and felt freakishly young by modern standards, just look at the average in the UK not just in your own family.

I can see why your partner wants to wait - it’s a reasonable request and will let you build up savings, security, career miles, all sorts.

Coming across in your posts is that you are way too young to have a baby. Do some growing up first.

This sounds a lot like ‘Replacement baby syndrome’ which occurs in some women after undergoing an abortion, thinking another pregnancy will somehow heal that grief and pain. I think you need to address your feelings and come to terms with what you went through first, have you sought counselling or any help?

Also I do echo the other responses. You are so very young and have time firmly on your side- you’ll likely be fertile for another 20 years. Your boyfriend isn’t ready for a baby and has expressed this. Most men aren’t ready for a baby at 22 so how he feels is so very normal. Think about all the other things you want to achieve with your life first.

The point, as everyone is saying over and over again, is that your boyfriend isn't ready.

Your case is very, very different from that of a 30-something year old woman who faces questions about her fertility. The fact that you are not willing to wait for your partner to feel comfortable and ready to have a child despite the fact that the delay would not cause you any issues at all - and the fact that it's clear you have even considered tricking him into becoming a parent - tells us everything we need to know about your age/maturity/readiness for this. You are absolutely not being caring about your boyfriend's quite reasonable needs/wants here, in a decision that will have a massive impact on his life. Until you have your desires for a baby more balanced with the need to provide a home for that child where both parents are happy and on board, you are NOT READY. There is no reason for turning this into a massive battle about your wants vs his wants - you have plenty of time to do BOTH what he wants AND what you want.

I had my first at 19 and second at 21 OP. I love my children very much but if I had a another shot at life I would hang fire a few years.

I am unlikely to ever be a homeowner.

I am as far as I can go with my career at theomeny because the next step requires intense study and I don't have reliable weekend and evening childcare to enable me to do that.

I also ended up a single parent.

I know it's not what you want to hear but getting on the property ladder and getting married first really do help.

OP, I mean this in the nicest way, but is this to try and replace the baby you had an abortion with? I have never wanted children, but found myself pregnant a couple of years ago. I had an abortion, and then found myself furiously angry at the dad, who I blamed for me having gone through with it, and got, and still have, those same feelings of anger, and regret, and an almost physical longing and yearning to have the baby back, or to replace it. I sometimes hope that I'll fall pregnant accidentally again, but when I'm thinking sensibly I know that I don't really want kids (I know you do though), and even if I did, having one with someone who doesn't really want one would not be a wise idea.

It's an awful choice, but I think your only options are staying with your boyfriend and accepting that it may be a few years until he's ready to have children, or leaving him and finding someone else. It's not a nice choice to make, but at least you have time on your side whatever you decide

He may also be reflecting on seeing his mum struggle (if she did) as a young parent and not want that for himself and for you.

There are no prizes in life for being the first and rushing into things. If you want to be with him then you need to respect that he isn’t ready for parenthood. Otherwise you need to walk away now.

I want a baby because I’m ready to become a mother
Then leave your boyfriend and start looking for someone who wants a child too. You can't compromise on having a child unless you mean tricking him into it then accepting he sees the kid every other weekend and pays your maintenance

You're not in a stable relationship. You don't have great qualifications and good jobs (sorry OP but having GCSEs and A-Levels does not guarantee you a good career). You aren't married (vital unless you plan on returning to work full time post maternity leave). Your boyfriend doesn't want a baby. You have unrealistic expectations about what having a baby is like (every mother does, but you should at least be wise enough to know that you don't know what you're in for! Raising siblings is NOT the same thing, not even close). You're still grieving the loss of the pregnancy. You have no savings. Your plan for childcare is unstable (grandparent care can't be relied on, anything can happen). You haven't travelled or had adventures or lived - and you WILL regret that when you have a baby.

You have plenty of time, OP. Go out and live a bit. Find out who you are. Then find a partner who shares your goals and meets your needs.