My boyfriend doesn’t want a baby yet and I don’t know what to do.

[Apples1998]

I’m new to this and I don’t know where else to turn. Our family’s are much help as they all just tell me to go head and to take my implant out and just do it.

So a bit of back ground. We’ve been together 5 years and are madly in love. We’ve been through a lot together and he’s basically my best friend and boyfriend rolled into one.

About 18 months ago I got pregnant whilst talking the pill. When I found out I was nervous and happy at the same time but when I told him he kinda broke down. He said he wasn’t ready for a baby, he didn’t believe he could love it how it would deserve to be loved because it would change everything so much and he wasn’t ready for that. After a long while of arguing and discussion, I ultimately decided to have an abortion because I could see how much it was hurting him and I couldn’t stand it.

At first I was okay, I was kind of just numb to it. However, as time went on I started to feel a lot of regret and grief. I didn’t want to talk to him about it because I didn’t want to upset him or for him to blame himself. So about 2 months ago it all became to much and I just broke down. I went to stay with my mum for a week to clear my head. Whilst I was away I told him everything. How I felt, that I wanted a baby. During this conversation he agreed that he felt similar and we could try for a baby soonish. So when I got back we started to talk about it. I asked him when will we be able to start trying, not getting my hopes up to much that it would be soon but kinda hoping it would be. He said once we’d sorted something’s out we could, do in his word by the end of July.

Then about 4 days ago he brings up going on holiday. I was all for it but explained to him we would need to plan it around having the baby. When I said that it was meet with a sigh and an eye roll. So I asked him what’s was wrong. This is when he told me that he doesn’t want a baby yet, he’s not ready. Give me 2 years maximum. He said he feels like he’s being pressured into it but it was all his idea. He said he believed that if he didn’t say we could try for one I’d leave him.

I’ve never felt as hurt in my life. He made all these promises to just rip them away from me. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I love him and I don’t want to leave him but I want a baby more than anything else in the world.

I think there is a good chance that he doesn’t actually see you two as having children together. He’s 21! I would find it weirder if he was keen on kids right now. You need to live your life a little. Why are you so obsessed with children now? It’s like you want to trap him. Sorry I’m not being sympathetic but I’m finding this all a bit weird.

Op can you clarify something for me, please? You keep saying your boyfriend wants to put contraception in his control and then say he wants you to go on the pill and off the implant, is that right?

This will be my last comment.

Me and my other half have spoken about this and decided to wait the 2 years. As for the status of our relationship, we are happy and planning a future together. As for birth control, he suggested it but when I was talking to him about our chats and someone suggested him being in control of birth control he liked that idea better. It meant less pressure on me in his words. We’ve decided to plan another holiday together. I still want a baby but am willing to wait. I came here for options and to see what other people in my situation did. I’ve spoken to some very nice people, some moderately nice people and some people I don’t wish to speak to again. However, I thank you greatly for the advice and your opinions on what should and shouldn’t happen.

I was waiting on the flounce to happen

@Apples1998 don't feel like you need to reply to every comment to justify yourself, do what is right for you.

I think the idea of you coming off contraception and him doing that part is a good idea. Let's face it, having extra hormones is never nice! And it puts the ball in his court, he knows how you feel.

He should not have mis-led you and it was wrong, but you guys do have time on your side. We are having our first baby in December and I'm 30 DP is 41. And we're not married (shock horror)

Madness. You're both very young. Revisit this in about 5-8 years. I'm with the boyfriend in this one . He's too young and he's telling you this

@Prettylittlebumblebee it's not rubbish, it's true. Women need to protect themselves and marriage gives protection. Anyone having a child with a 'partner' is risking an awful lot

You are young but having a baby young can be great. He obviously does t wa t a baby just now. That’s not a bad thing either. I would split up and find someone on your own wavelength.

That's a lovely outcome & I'm sure a little way in the future you will be a wonderful mum. Good luck 💐

You can't compare pressuring someone to have a child to advising people to get married before having kids.
It's simply about protecting you and the future child the fact you can't see that shows you are misunderstanding the point

Sorry but (and I'm likely to get flamed here) I think you are far too young to be stressing like this and quite honestly you sound very immature too.

2 years is really NOT that long to wait, this is also clearly both of your first serious relationship, people change a LOT in their 20's you barely know yourself at this point let alone have the maturity, life experience or distance to assess someone else's personality and whether you're suited to them.

I'm sorry for all you went through with the previous pregnancy, I mc at 18 myself (also pill failure) and it does take time and sometimes help in the form of therapy to be able to adjust to such events and get to where you're on a more even keel with life. You don't "get over" it but you get to a point where it's something you can cope with.

At the moment it's all still too raw.

I was SO broody the couple of years after that first mc it was insane! But remember hormones will be playing a part in all that too.

Definitely DON'T trap him into another pregnancy that would be cruel on all involved including yourself.

Get some post abortion therapy organised and focus on enjoying your life as it is now. Have holidays and nights out, work at your career, learn new skills... So much easier while you don't have DC. That way when you do have DC you're in a better position to adjust to parenthood emotionally, practically and financially.

Number3or4 that's appalling advice! (Making op's dp responsible for contraception, also recommending "rhythm method" which really is no more contraceptive than crossing your fingers!!)

Your family having DC young doesn't mean you have to, I very much feel you're getting a lot of pressure in that respect to have DC young. Have those WOMEN that had DC young had/are having good, fulfilling lives? How are their finances? I would NOT be taking advice from a man on this.

Prettylittlebumblebee - on marriage I agree with number3or4 though. Women who don't marry are at a serious disadvantage legally and financially, especially if they also go part time or become sahm and are then financially dependent on their partner. Not only in the event of separation but also if their partner becomes sick or disabled or heaven forbid even dies. I have seen what can happen in those scenarios, which has included a family being turned out of their family home by the partners relatives when he died as the 'mum' had no legal claim on the house.

Marriage is not really about romance and love it is a legal contract that gives the parties concerned certain protections. It's foolish to become financially dependent on another without those protections.

Wheelerdealer wasn't attacking you but your response shows to me and I suspect others that you really aren't mature enough to be a parent yet.

"I understand what people are saying about kids being a big responsibility. I’ve help raise my younger siblings I know how much work it is." Yet another example of your immaturity I'm afraid being a parent is NOTHING like helping with younger siblings and you did NOT help "raise" them, you babysat, helped with practical things like cooking etc maybe but you did NOT help raise them.

"Savings isn’t a necessity." Maybe not - but it's a bloody good idea if at all possible!

"As for holidays we do go on holiday together. Having a child doesn’t make going on holiday impossible, harder yes but not impossible." And another example!

Holidays with kids until they're about junior school age say 7/8 years old really aren't holidays, they're more "same shit different view" also more expensive and you'll be more restricted due to health and safety considerations. My dd is just back from her first holiday as an adult, her and her friends stayed in a cheap hotel but we were discussing some negative posts on trip advisor about it where it was people with young kids complaining about certain things, but it wasn't a family friendly hotel and this is made very clear. The family friendly places are more expensive and need to be booked further in advance.

This is NOT something that can be compromised on, you can't be half a parent or have half a child. I honestly don't think he is being anything but sensible about this.

Especially with your dripfeed about in those 5 years it sounds like he has been through a lot too and he needs time to process that and get himself on keel. And you've already split once! So your relationship clearly isn't that stable either.

Sorry but also those are not "great jobs and qualifications" certainly not what I would consider ideal for providing enough financial security for a family.

"As for child care, both our grandparents have offered to take it in turns minding the child whilst we work" you CANNOT depend on that. They may become ill/too old to cope with it or your DC could have illnesses/disabilities which means caring for them requires more energy/input.

You don't have to be going out drinking and clubbing but there is a LOT you could be doing before you have DC that is either much harder or even impossible to do after having DC.

"Ages is just the amount of years you’ve been on the earth it doesn’t equate to maturity." Some older people lack maturity but it's rare. Life experience is what leads to maturity, and that is only gained by living and that takes time.

While teen parenthood isn't the end of the world, I have friends who were teen parents, but it really isn't ideal either, it makes life much harder generally for parent and children. Maybe not a popular view but it's true. One of my friends that was a teen mum recently qualified as a barrister but we're now in our late 40's and it's been a hard slog for her, she herself would tell you that's not how she would have done things if she'd really understood how hard it would be.

"I'm sorry but you sound very immature. Some of your responses are like a child stamping their foot because they can't get what they want!" Totally agree

'I want a baby and I want one NOW!'

"He decided that he likes the idea of him being responsible for contraception" AWFUL idea! Rhythm method is basically useless. Condoms are not great for reliability in real use stats, hormonal contraception for the woman is far more reliable, but I suspect you know this and are hoping it works in your favour and an "accidental" pregnancy will occur and you're hoping he'll feel so guilty because "he was in charge of contraception" that he'll "let" you keep the baby - disaster written all over it!! He may well push you into another abortion and as a result you will very likely resent him and that will destroy your relationship. Or you have the baby and he resents you and THAT destroys your relationship.

"he’s said if it happens without us trying it happens." Such a ridiculous, immature, irresponsible attitude to something so important!

"Everyone keeps mentioning marriage. I personal do not believe in the constitution of marriage"
Why?!

Your childhood sounds very chaotic too which may be another reason you're so desperate to create a family of your own that you think won't be as chaotic - yet you're actually MORE likely to create a similarly chaotic life for YOUR kids by rushing into having kids when neither you nor your partner are really ready or mature enough to handle the responsibility.

"he says he doesn’t regret the choice he made because he wouldn’t be happy in Japan" he can't possibly know that if he hasn't experienced it. I would thoroughly recommend revisiting this idea.

"I never wanted to go to uni, not everyone needs to" again - that feeling may well change. Your partner in his chosen field of work would DEFINITELY benefit from doing so, non graduate employees in his field are ten a penny, frankly it's getting to the point that to have a decent career in that field, really you need a post graduate level of education!

I've been to uni twice - both times as a mature student, I wasn't in the right frame of mind for it at 18 as I was dealing with the aftermath of my own chaotic childhood. I wasn't ready or interested in going to uni when I was younger but as I gained more life experience and learned the realities of the job market it became clear that to have even a chance of a decent income meant having a higher education. I would say that's even more true now.

To be dismissive of that is ignorant and ill informed to be honest.

"My mum managed perfectly fine being a single mum" 'managing' and 'thriving' are very different things. Did you have and get to do everything your friends did? Have you talked to your mum about the realities of 'managing' like this, have you even discussed the negatives? You seem overly focused on the positives of parenthood and are very deliberately avoiding thinking about the negatives.

"We wanted to experience a little bit of adult hood without each other, to “find ourselves” as people say." But you didn't do that! 2 months is nothing! It's barely longer than a school summer holiday! "Finding yourself" takes years not a few weeks!

"He’s dreams changed because of me" wow! Peoples dreams do NOT change because of other people preventing them from pursuing them.

"I am a full blown atheist." Ffs marriage has NOTHING to do with religion! It's a LEGAL contract that ensures protections for the more financially and legally vulnerable partner AND indirectly any children of the relationship.

You don't even need a fancy wedding, you can book your local registry office, turn up in jeans and have 2 strangers as witnesses if you wish.

"We agreed to split everything evenly when moving in"
Meaningless in the event of a split. Hugely difficult to deal with if your partner becomes incapacitated or dies.

You are completely vulnerable without marriage exactly!

"I was waiting on the flounce to happen" fairly predictable really

I was kind of in your position in my late teens/early twenties. I met this amazing guy, head over heels in love. If it was up to me we'd have been married by 21 and have had a baby - I was so broody!

But he didn't want that. So we waited, got married at 27 and will have our first child at 29.

It's worked out well for us. There were some rocky moments in our mid twenties as we grew up but we came through it together and ended up stronger as a couple - I don't know if we'd have managed that with the stress of young children.

That's just my experience though I do think if you love the guy then you'll wait. A relationship involves some trust on both sides, you have to have that trust in him.

Haha that'll teach me to read the thread first!

As for birth control, he suggested it but when I was talking to him about our chats and someone suggested him being in control of birth control he liked that idea better. It meant less pressure on me in his words.

You deliberately avoided answering my question which means that I was right. Your boyfriend will be anything BUT in control of contraception if you do that. I think you have manipulated the situation so that you can ‘ooops, not take the pill at the correct time’ and yet have your boyfriend think he is in control of it. Most barmy thing I have heard in ages.

Stay on the implant if you are truly serious about waiting two years.

Stay on the implant if you are truly serious about waiting two years.

I agree.

Another point about marriage is parental responsibility. If a couple is not married, the father does not automatically have parental responsibility in law. Which means he needs to be on birth cert for that to happen. And as far as I am aware, he needs to be present and willing at registration of the child in order to be on the cert.

Mumsnet is unfortunately full of threads by women who were happy in their relationship at start of the pregnancy, and single by the end of it. Without the legal protection of marriage, its a minefield.

But this solid advice will be ignored. OP will probably be pregnant again by Christmas and this cycle of madness will continue for 3rd generation.

@Apples98

You need to understand that when people here are recommending marriage, it's not because we see it as some form of beautifully romantic celebration of your relationship, involving frothy dresses and a gazillion bridesmaids.

Marriage is a legal contract, which gives you protection. There's no protection for you if you're a common-law wife, aka living with your partner.

You're already talking about working part-time if/when you have a baby, which means your earning power (salary, ability to save, pension provision) is significantly lowered. Whereas your partner's financial situation and earning power will not change in the same way.

Therefore, should you be unfortunate enough to split up, without a marriage certificate, you risk being left high and dry. You will be the one left holding the baby/babies, with limited funds and, in the longer term, less money to live on in retirement. (Never mind the issue of childcare etc).

Don't ignore the advice you're being given here. And as PP have said - go and have a serious read of the relationships board to see just how this is/has been playing out for other women who are in your situation.

I think there is some pressure, and you should never force a man to be a father selfishly. You 2 aren't a match and when it all ends then he is stuck with something he never wanted and that's wrong imo.

He has specifically told you he don't want a baby. But you still disregard this.

I think marriage keeps getting mentioned because of pensions protection. What you will come to know is that any savings or pension contributions you make when young will accrue the most interest and grow your pension far more than contributions you make when you get closer to retirement. By being married, you would be entitled to a portion of his (growing) pension should things not work out. Your own pension won't be growing nearly as fats as you are planning on returning to work part-time. So marriage will protect you in retirement if you've taken time out of your career (especially when young when your pension potential is greatest).

Marriage is terribly unromantic. It's a financial contract and offers far more protection to the childcaring partner than the full-time worker.

Your family having DC young doesn't mean you have to, I very much feel you're getting a lot of pressure in that respect to have DC young.

You would think as both parents had children at 16 they would be encouraging them in the opposite direction as they know how hard it is. But I guess not, seeing as the OP’s sister is also young with a child. It’s obviously an expected and learnt thing. Why not break the pattern? Why not build up your career? Just because your entire family had kids young doesn’t mean you have to do the same.

And baby sitting your siblings isn’t the same. I work with children and know how to care for them. I still came home with my first and thought ‘wtf do I do now?’

MsRabbitRocks it’s total immature game playing.
“I don’t want to take my pill I don’t want to put hormones in my body” is a legitimate ask but in this scenario OP is waiting for him to slip up on his own responsibility, and it’s all on him that way.

Total bait.

I too suspect the op will very soon be pregnant again, won't even consider an abortion this time, if this relationship survives another 2 years I'll be amazed - not that we'd know because I very much doubt op will be back and even if she is it'll be under a name change, denying that she's this op.

I'm with those saying if her partner were my son I'd be advising very careful use of condoms and frankly keeping them somewhere out of her reach too.

I'm not convinced she won't have the implant removed and not tell him.