Help me control my emotional reaction - SIL pregnancy stealing my thunder

[PugPupsMum]

Let me start by saying I genuinely don’t want to feel upset, bitter or resentful over this and I can compartmentalise my feelings to an extent to see that it is lovely news for their family, but my feelings are hurt...

I was told yesterday that my brother & his wife are expecting their 2nd DC this Xmas, they already have an almost 2 yr old DD who I love to bits.

I am pregnant with my 1st and due early October.

It’s a massive shock & I’m hoping that after it sinks in I will feel better about it. I’m already trying to switch my outlook to a more positive one (for example it’s lovely to grow up with cousins the same age as you)

I’m just really sad about it and feel like my pregnancy/my first baby will be totally overshadowed in our family. I had expected that perhaps towards the end of the year there might be a pregnancy announcement (they said as much to me) but it was a big surprise to hear that their baby is due so close to ours.

I just feel sad and upset that only a few months after our baby comes, it will be followed by another new baby in the family & everyone will be excited over the new baby.

I also (perhaps rather selfishly) was enjoying being the pregnant person in the family & having all the excitement centred around our impending arrival. She’s had her turn and I was genuinely so excited for her, helped her mum to plan her baby shower etc.

I’ve always got the sense my SIL is a bit jealous/competitive with me which is weird because in general her & my DB have been before us to do everything ... buy a house, get married etc. And I have only ever been happy for them.

What makes me really pissed off and upset is that when she told us the news, she happened to mention the month they started trying, and I know it’s the very month after we announced our pregnancy. That makes me suspect that she kind of did this deliberately to steal our thunder and get pregnant as quickly as possible, despite telling me they had their hands full with their DD and weren’t going to be trying until later this year at the earliest.

Am I being unreasonable and irrational? Please go easy on me because not only am I feeling upset at the news but I’m also feeling guilt for the feelings of resentment I am having :( :( :(

I think if we're all honest we would admit to feeling a little twinge of annoyance in your position!

That really isn't true, but if it helps for you to think it is, by all means continue.

That's not to say other things don't annoy me (one), but sharing a pregnancy with a sibling or in-law really isn't something all of us would find annoying.

Seriously - quite the opposite.

@FionasWineShow Perhaps as a PP some of us are more sensitive to this kind of thing than others. A lot of PPs can relate, and a lot (you included) seem to find it a totally bazaar reaction. The point of this thread wasnt to debate whether or not me/us that would struggle a bit in this situation are competitive bitches, I created the thread to ask for help on managing my feelings in this situation. It’s literally in the title. Don’t understand people commenting just to tell me how awful I am - can only assume they haven’t properly read my OP or responses. I’ve said a number of times I don’t want to feel negative, and I’m trying really hard not to.

I got pregnant with my 3rd soon after my sil had her 1st baby and it wasn't planned. I was really hurt when a couple of family members suggested our niece had made us broody, it almost felt like suggesting what you are, that we were doing it because we were keeping up with them despite having 2 children of our own already. I think you need to be very careful with how you let your feelings out, I think you sound the jealous and self absorbed one if you do make a fuss of it. You can't expect their life plans to be put on hold for yours, when would've been OK to have another, after your baby turns 1,2,3? Your baby will be as special as your DB's children to all of your family. Focus on your own stuff, enjoy your baby, don't compare your life to your sil. Your baby will be the centre of your universe so don't waste your time dwelling on this. X

Oh fgs your pregnant, millions of woman across the world are, Yabu and you know you are.

And you've had lots of good suggestions, and ways to turn your thinking so as to put it in perspective, including from me.

I just took umbrage to the idea that we'd all feel like this. That's simply not true.

This is Mumsnet, so as I said upthread, if you didn't anticipate the honesty and straight talking, you were being quite naive.

Hi op....yes you are being unreasonable and sensitive and I'm guessing your a sensitive kind of person....me too! when we was due our 1st child my bro in law and his girlfriend announced their pregnancy about 3 months later and after we had our 20wk scan and announced we was having a daughter they not long after had their 12wk scan and announced they were having twins....I cried! which is obviously totally irrational and am in nature a total over reacter lol but they never knew anything about it as I was honestly ecstatic for them but at the same time felt a bit overshadowed....now fast forward 7 years and they are on their 4th pregnancy and guess what....we are on our 4th pregnancy but 3 months behind! nobody can predict fate and best thing of all is all our children are simular ages and they have a blast together.The feelings you have now will vanish when your baby is here and you will have nothing but happiness at becoming a new mummy and auntie! double congrats to you!

Having cousins of a similar age is lovely, though. All of my nephews and nieces were born within months (or weeks!) of my DCs1&2, and they're all now the happiest gang of friends. Absolutely worth it.

OP don't focus to much on what they said about TTC later in the year.

Someone asked me yesterday whether I'm going to try for another baby. I replied "oh no not for a while". In fact I'm currently pregnant - I'm just not ready to announce and I didn't know what else to say.

Would it help arranging a family get together such as baby naming ceremony/ christening/ head wetting so everyone gets to celebrate your baby in the Autumn before the new one arrives.

Give the OP a break- clearly very hormonal and there must be more to the story wity the jealousy. Do you think she and her baby will be treated more favourably than yours? If that's the case honey that's the problem of other people - they would have done the same wether it's just you having one or someone else!

Yeah. You are a bit U. Neither of my 2 were “the baby” for long - the eldest for 4 months and the youngest for 2 - part of the joy of marrying into a large Catholic family

Honestly it won’t take any shine off your baby at all. I bet the grandparents will just be overjoyed to have two new babies in the family and it’s lovely for the cousins to be close in age growing up.

I really don’t think there’s a pregnancy-related hormonal change that makes you an attention-seeking green-eyed monster obsessed with the sex life of your SIL and BIL.

You need to get a fucking grip on this, otherwise you’re going to create a rift between your baby and their cousin in your head, everything will be a competition, and it will be no good for anyone

I feel a lot better today. Thanks for all the supportive messages and suggestions. I know it will all be fine, and my baby is lucky to grow up with a cousin so close in age. Our feelings are feelings and we can’t change them - only try to manage them the best we can, that’s really all I was ever looking for on this thread.

I’m not going to check back here again as I don’t want to get into back and forth responding to the negative posters (not saying you can’t have a different opinion, but most of the negative comments don’t include anything constructive so it’s a waste of time and energy in me reading and replying to them).

Thanks again for all the advice & reassurance MN. I do feel better and sure I’ll feel more and more Ok about it as the week goes on and then in a few months i’ll look back at this and laugh at my hormonal over-reaction. At least it’s only been on here and not in real life.

My SIL and I each have 4 children , and they were born within weeks of each other .
Ist Child 13 weeks apart
2nd child 6 weeks "
3rd child 4 weeks "
4th child 5 months "

And it was , and still is fantastic I love the fact that as cousins they are so close to each other , they spent a lot of time which each other growing up and are very very lucky they have close cousins

But then I didnt enjoy being pregnant and having a fuss made of me really isnt my thing

You may just be in for a massive shock when faced with the reality of having a child lol

You are being very unreasonable. I'm sorry but for most couples it takes months & months to conceive. They were most likely trying to conceive when you announced that you were pregnant! Imagine how that felt for them! Or do you only think of yourself? Your brother may have said they will try next year to add to their family but most people Don't actually tell anyone when they are TTC, especially if they struggle. They could be a year TTC.

This happened to me. I admit to wondering if the timing was deliberate and as if my thunder had been slightly stolen (am not usually a jealous type at all so it took me by surprise to feel that way).
Now a few months later, it's great to have the family attention diluted (sadly it doesn't seem to have diluted it that much though - still having a completely inappropriate level of intrusive interest from the inlaws) and to have someone at the same stage to chat to, and of course it will be great for the children growing up
So just congratulate them for now and your feelings will sort themselves out in time

So your family has a finite amount of love and excitement for children/grandchildren and they're going to pinch some of yours?

You're being mad. I've had a SIL pregnant when I was pregnant with both of mine, and now my sister is pregnant while I am again and this honestly never crossed my mind. It's amazing having babies at the same time. Get a bloody grip.

I think some people may not have noticed that this post is in pregnancy rather than AIBU. The op clearly acknowledged at the start that she's being unreasonable. What she asked for was help dealing with her emotions, which - let's face it - are often a tad unreasonable in pregnancy anyway.

@PugPupsMum you are being unreasonable as you well know but you are also exceptionally lucky and you should appreciate that. My sister is 13 months older than me. She got married 4 months before me and it was such a fun year of weddings and we absolutely loved it. Then a few months after my wedding I took a pregnancy test and got a BFP. Later that day my sister phones up and told me she had taken a pregnancy test and she got a BFP. My little one was due a week before hers but I had a lazy boy and she had a speedy girl and her little one was born 5 days before mine. Having the experience together was so so lovely. We could ask each other questions and share knowledge and our little ones are best friends. She then went on to have no. 2. I have sadly had 3 MCs in a row. My sister has been nothing but supportive and would have loved for our second kids to have what our first kids have had. I'm telling you this because I want you to know how lucky you are not only to be pregnancy but to share it with someone so close. Also, a 2 year age gap for your SIL children is absolutely lovely and she shouldn't have to factor in when other's get pregnant when she is deciding what it right for her family and nor should you. I wanted the exact age gap your SIL has achieved but it hasn't happened for me. Please don't begrudge your pregnant SIL - pregnancy is so precious and you should be genuinely happy and supportive and relish the lovely big extended family you will have.

Just having a little browse through the MN forums and came across this....

WOW can I just say how awful some of the responses have been! So sorry for some of the unsupportive, awful replies you have had!

I completely understand why you feel like this having been in a similar situation once myself, however, I can absolutely promise you that once you have had your beautiful baby it will all click into place and you’ll wonder why you spent so much time worrying over something that is never going to happen.
Your family will be super excited about your new arrival and as the babies grow up you will more than likely be thankful that you and your SIL are able to share the mini traumas e.g sleepless nights, teething, who sleeps more out of you and DH 😂
Please don’t worry x