Help me control my emotional reaction - SIL pregnancy stealing my thunder

[PugPupsMum]

Let me start by saying I genuinely don’t want to feel upset, bitter or resentful over this and I can compartmentalise my feelings to an extent to see that it is lovely news for their family, but my feelings are hurt...

I was told yesterday that my brother & his wife are expecting their 2nd DC this Xmas, they already have an almost 2 yr old DD who I love to bits.

I am pregnant with my 1st and due early October.

It’s a massive shock & I’m hoping that after it sinks in I will feel better about it. I’m already trying to switch my outlook to a more positive one (for example it’s lovely to grow up with cousins the same age as you)

I’m just really sad about it and feel like my pregnancy/my first baby will be totally overshadowed in our family. I had expected that perhaps towards the end of the year there might be a pregnancy announcement (they said as much to me) but it was a big surprise to hear that their baby is due so close to ours.

I just feel sad and upset that only a few months after our baby comes, it will be followed by another new baby in the family & everyone will be excited over the new baby.

I also (perhaps rather selfishly) was enjoying being the pregnant person in the family & having all the excitement centred around our impending arrival. She’s had her turn and I was genuinely so excited for her, helped her mum to plan her baby shower etc.

I’ve always got the sense my SIL is a bit jealous/competitive with me which is weird because in general her & my DB have been before us to do everything ... buy a house, get married etc. And I have only ever been happy for them.

What makes me really pissed off and upset is that when she told us the news, she happened to mention the month they started trying, and I know it’s the very month after we announced our pregnancy. That makes me suspect that she kind of did this deliberately to steal our thunder and get pregnant as quickly as possible, despite telling me they had their hands full with their DD and weren’t going to be trying until later this year at the earliest.

Am I being unreasonable and irrational? Please go easy on me because not only am I feeling upset at the news but I’m also feeling guilt for the feelings of resentment I am having :( :( :(

OP the more you post the worst you sound I’m afraid.
When they try/who manages contraception really isn’t any of your business. You sound really bitter and I know you don’t want to be, so you need to stop obsessing over it. It’s also really nasty to imply she tricked DB into trying early through mismanaging contraception just to steal your thunder which is essentially what you’re suggesting.
It also sounds like you’re focusing on the adoration of being pregnant/ having a baby and not what it really means!
I think it’s good you’ve posted here because you need some quite frank replies to shake you out of this.

Incidentally if this had been the other way around SIL had announced, this made you broody, you started trying earlier than planned and got pregnant afterwards and then you heard SIL saying she thought you had got pregnant to steal her thunder - how would YOU feel?!

Weird. Just weird. And the more replies you write, the weirder you seem

This ^

OP do you want a baby? Or do you want attention?

YABU but you're pregnant, you're allowed to be!
We were TTC at the same time as my best friend, she got a positive first and I wanted to stop trying as I felt like people would think I was copying! A month later I was pregnant, there are 5 weeks between our little ones.
In all honesty though i felt like it went the opposite way with our group of friends though, I felt like she had the fuss and then a month later when it was my turn as such they didn't seem that bothered as they'd already done it with her a month earlier. At least you're first

Yes sorry you are being massively unreasonable. You keep saying it's a 'shock...a massive shock...' You need to bet over yourself here. Sounds like you're the one with the competitive streak, not your SIL.

I completely understand why you feel that way. And it seems you recognise that it's irrational and are not going to say anything/act on that feeling.

When I was approx 8 months pregnant with my first, it was all very exciting and I was looking forward to giving my mum her first grandchild and PIL their second. We were then pipped to post by BIL who's GF (unbeknownst to anyone except PIL and BIL) appeared back on the scene (as far as we all knew, they had split months earlier) also 8 months pregnant, due days before me. My baby's thunder was well and truly stolen as their baby was born 5 days before ours. LUCKILY a different gender to ours as it turned out their front runner name for the other gender was the same as our favourite (which we used!). I would have been significantly more peeved if they had pipped us to the name too! They was a whole load of crap going on between them which eventually came out and affected the whole family but at the time, I felt so betrayed by MIL who I considered myself close to. I never communicated these thoughts to anyone except DH (who felt the same as me!).

So what I'm saying is, I totally get why you feel this way. But, as time goes on, it really won't be a big deal. And it IS lovely the cousins being so close in age!

Make an appointment with your GP because your reaction to this is completely abnormal. You need therapy. Lots of therapy.

I don’t get this at all. My sister announced her pregnancy about the same time as mine we both thought how brilliant and our dds get on beautifully as 3 months apart. You sound extremely odd and messed up. What “attention “ do you seek? Don’t voice this in real life whoever you mention it to will go right off you

Honestly? You sound about 12.
They are unlikely to have decided to TTC just because you’ve announced you’re pg. you do understand that babies grow into children and young people and are actually a lifelong commitment right?
She’s competitive? Nope. You don’t like her much and you’re the one striving to be the centre of attention.

@PugPupsMum

OP, I’m sorry you’re feeling a little down about it and think you’ve probably only come on here to vent (which we all need to do, so don’t be hard on yourself). I can sympathise but can give some insight from the other side.

My SIL fell pregnant earlier this year by IUI. It wasn’t straight forward and not her first attempt but thankfully, she received her wonderful news early this year and has had a wonderful and healthy pregnancy thus far. DH and I were already TTC (and had been for a few months) when DSILs received their news and we were thrilled. We kept TTC and it took longer than we thought it would to conceive (8 months - not long but we were definitely starting to worry). DSILs were so happy for us when we told them our news and the family is so excited for the new babies (even though one person suggested we should have given them ‘their time’ - I was already older and didn’t want to leave it any later). There are times that it seems that they’re not as excited for us and vice versa I’m sure, but we genuinely can’t wait until our DN/DN arrives. We’re excited to be going through the same things together and I can’t wait for maternity leave so we can grow our children’s relationship.

Take some time and allow yourself time to be a bit cross. Then focus on the exciting times ahead and about the wonderful 6 months ahead. It will get easier but I’m sure it is a shock. Xx

You sound attention seeking and totally over invested in your brother and SILs family planning!

Hopefully it's just the pg hormones and it will pass!

Your pregnancy is for you. Yes of course it’s nice to be cooed over if you like attention, but it’s not a competition, and it’s not for show.

This child will turn your world upside down, changing your marriage, your body, your relationship to yourself.
It’s big expensive stuff having kids, and it’s bloody hard work.
So take a few deep breaths, ground yourself and get ready for stuff that will take your breath away , in every way possible. This is a new human being you are bringing into the world, not a golden prize possession.

If you have 5 minutes a day where you float about feeling like the princess of pregnancy, tjTs a good day.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, your baby will be your miracle, as will every other baby born.

I think you are projecting hugely and it's not her that has the jealousy and competitive issues - it's YOU. The fact this is a issue for you shows that you're evidently jealous of her.

As someone else mentioned no one is ever going to be more excited about your child than you. You are also not the only woman in the world to have a child.

The more you post the more I'm certain it's you that must secretly resent all that her and her partner have achieved. Any normal person would be happy for such good news instead of comparing themselves, it just suggests you are selfish and self-absorbed.

I suggest you do not let these feelings out to anyone else as it will cause unnecessary drama and get a grip, fast.

There will be two children coming in to the family, both are equally as important and both will be equally loved - as they should be.

If you stop your jealousy issues, you'll be able to enjoy your pregnancy. Right now you're the only one taking joy away from yourself.

You don't like her much do you?

You think she only tried to get pregnant to annoy you and steal your thunder, and that she might even have lied to her partner about when she came off contraception to trick him into having a pregnancy to ruin yours.

You can't control your emotions OP but perhaps you need some space between you a bit whilst you work through this.

Your baby isn't less special than theirs and if your parents and other family ignore yours for their then that's on them, not your SIL

OP it’s a baby not a wedding. It has nothing to do with having the limelight. You should be looking to her for support as she’s done this before not putting up a wall of hostility.

I’m concerned you speak about your niece having had two years of attention in a way that sounds as if you think your child will not have the same. All children in a family are individual and get attention/love. I really hope motherhood teaches you that children are not a prop for you to get praise and attention. They are little people.

I’m 100% not going to share any of how I feel with anyone in real life.

And of course when they announced I was all smiles and congratulations! In fact, I did and DO feel happy for them in their own family unit, it’s only in mine I felt a bit of a punch in the gut.

I’m honestly not a jealous or bitter person, and as i’ve said I don’t want to feel this way and fully intend on getting over it.

I just came here to vent / seek advice on how to get a handle on my emotions.

Thanks a lot for the understanding responses, I do feel like a total monster and see how it comes across. It’s just how I feel :( Maybe it’s my hormones or maybe I was just too absorbed in being the “pregnant person” in the family and having all the excitement centred around me/my baby (I know that sounds terrible - but bear in mind, for SIL’s pregnancy I was so hand-on-heart excited for her, LOVED buying presents and planning her baby shower etc).

In the kindest way possible, please get over yourself. I don't think any one can say any more than that. There's no justifications for your thoughts, you are being selfish and self absorbed.

The way to handle your emotions is to understand no one is in competition with you, and you're not the only person in the world having a baby. Accept you're being unreasonable and don't look for justifications and again, get a grip and get over yourself.

Plus, whenever i’ve discussed children with DB he’s always said “it won’t be anytime soon”

DP was still saying this before our 12 week scan for DC2 as a jokey response to people asking. Didn't mean he was TTC less than me or was less excited. It was just his way of throwing people off the scent until we knew baby was fine.

You're one of those women...

Has it entered your mind that she might be feeling the same way? She may be worried that no one will be bothered about her pregnancy and baby because she's been there and done that, already has all the 'stuff', whereas this is your first, and you announced it first and you'll (probably) have the baby first. Everyone will be so excited about you that they'll forget about her. She may well be feeling very jealous of you right now and could do with you reaching out to her, not bitchily accusing her of tricking her husband into pregnancy to steal your thunder. I still don't see how you can claim to like someone then accuse them of this with no evidence.

Much harder to be the older infertile sister watching your SIL have everything you'll never have, first grandchild, first baby. Should have been me but wasn't to be. You're very lucky to be having a much wanted baby, you won't care once they're here and you're all wrapped up in your baby bubble.

@Piehunter - do sorry

*so

Crikey. It seemed to me that half my family and friends announced their pregnancies over Christmas (I wanted to wait til new year as I have friends for whom kids at Christmas is sensitive) but I'm glad my hormones didn't make me react like that- I'm sure it's partly hormones OP.

However what I would say is that I've enjoyed my first pregnancy and hope to have another DC in the future but don't expect anything like the fuss and interest this first one has generated in family and friends in terms of following pregnancy progress, gifts etc. The first one for any couple always seems to be a big event and the second less so, until it actually arrives.

Enjoy your pregnancy and all the weird and wonderful firsts it brings, I can't wait to meet our DC but I will miss being pregnant as it's been so interesting, even the crap bits!

Thank you @ladyGAgain, very lucky to have a gorgeous step son but actually sometimes I think that makes it hurt more that I'll not be mummy to anyone... I manage to brave face it to brother and SIL, enjoy cuddles with my niece and then come home and cry at DP 😂 it's bittersweet! I was made to be a mum too, soo broody and maternal!

Ok so it is your brother and his wife having the children. She may be going through the whole PugPupsMum's baby will be the favourite because she is the daughter thing. Or she may be just getting on with having the family they want.

I will give you the benefit of the doubt and put it down to pregnancy hormones but you are massively overthinking this and overreacting.