Help me control my emotional reaction - SIL pregnancy stealing my thunder

[PugPupsMum]

Let me start by saying I genuinely don’t want to feel upset, bitter or resentful over this and I can compartmentalise my feelings to an extent to see that it is lovely news for their family, but my feelings are hurt...

I was told yesterday that my brother & his wife are expecting their 2nd DC this Xmas, they already have an almost 2 yr old DD who I love to bits.

I am pregnant with my 1st and due early October.

It’s a massive shock & I’m hoping that after it sinks in I will feel better about it. I’m already trying to switch my outlook to a more positive one (for example it’s lovely to grow up with cousins the same age as you)

I’m just really sad about it and feel like my pregnancy/my first baby will be totally overshadowed in our family. I had expected that perhaps towards the end of the year there might be a pregnancy announcement (they said as much to me) but it was a big surprise to hear that their baby is due so close to ours.

I just feel sad and upset that only a few months after our baby comes, it will be followed by another new baby in the family & everyone will be excited over the new baby.

I also (perhaps rather selfishly) was enjoying being the pregnant person in the family & having all the excitement centred around our impending arrival. She’s had her turn and I was genuinely so excited for her, helped her mum to plan her baby shower etc.

I’ve always got the sense my SIL is a bit jealous/competitive with me which is weird because in general her & my DB have been before us to do everything ... buy a house, get married etc. And I have only ever been happy for them.

What makes me really pissed off and upset is that when she told us the news, she happened to mention the month they started trying, and I know it’s the very month after we announced our pregnancy. That makes me suspect that she kind of did this deliberately to steal our thunder and get pregnant as quickly as possible, despite telling me they had their hands full with their DD and weren’t going to be trying until later this year at the earliest.

Am I being unreasonable and irrational? Please go easy on me because not only am I feeling upset at the news but I’m also feeling guilt for the feelings of resentment I am having :( :( :(

The fact that you all seem to weirdly invested in one another's contraceptive choices and attempts to conceive and pregnancies suggests icky amounts of oversharing

Again, not really... it's general conversation such as:
"So when do you think you guys will have a 2nd DC?"
"Oh definitely not anytime soon, we're very busy with DD at the moment, but perhaps some point next year"

Now you have these feelings I would try and think of the positives. Similar aged children, who will hopefully always be friends. Maybe if you let it, it could bring you and your sil closer.... As you are going through the same situation.

Also your baby will be a first in your family in the sense that, unless your sil is unusually close to your parents, they will have a different kind of bond to your child than they do with sils children.

@galaxy101Hopefully! And I'm sure you're right. It's just a case of trying to make myself feel better about it in the interim. I don't want a cloud over my pregnancy or hers (not that I'd ever tell her how I'm feeling now!), so I'm trying to find ways to make myself feel better. A lot of the PPs here have given very helpful advice.

I don't know, OP. I had my parents' first (and only) grandchild, and obviously my three siblings' only nephew, and though my PILs have lots of grandchildren, they were all much older when I had DS -- but I don't think there was any particular hullaballoo.

I was very busy at work, and very absorbed in a big project I wanted to finish before I went on maternity leave, and I don't think I gave my pregnancy a great deal of thought before then, unless I had a scan or was feeling particularly off (SPD).

I mean, babies aren't exactly a rarity, are they? They're a nice thing, but you wouldn't call having a baby exactly an unusual activity. I certainly wasn't particularly involved in my SILs' pregnancies.

I was just wondering what would have to be wrong with your family dynamics in order to see pregnancy in terms of getting fuss and attention. Don't you feel loved and attended to on a daily basis, OP?

There is no thunder to steal 2 human beings will be born to two different mothers. I don't see the problem tbh, nobody has a child because somebody else does.
Babies are really only of interest to the parents, quite often, unfortunately just the mother.

Do you not have any cousins op? Because cousins get togethers should be great. My children have about 10 cousins and LOVE meeting up. My oldest has one cousin 4 months older, and they get on like a house on fire, I wish my younger child had a cousin so close in age!
Also, you mustn’t have a large family. Being the pregnant person is not a thing and you need to stop hoping for it to be. Your dh should take care of you, everyone should understand if you aren’t keen on certain plans or need to stay home and nap. That’s it though. At our wedding there was only one cousin/ sister/ sil in a position to have a baby who wasn’t pregnant, the other 6 odd were, it was a very bumpy wedding
Also, lots of people lie about trying to conceive, they say they are planning for later than they are so everyone doesn’t get on their case if it takes a while and so no one knows they are going home to shag and stick legs in the air. You don’t sound like you have genuinely told yourself you are being ridiculous about that ‘they LIED’approach you are taking. Have you ever told your parents you are going home to have sex now? There you go.

OP you seem well aware YABU so i won't be sticking the boot in.

While i dont agree there is any thunder to be stolen and im not personally like that, i understand why you might be feeling like old news. But you aren't, your baby wont be either. They will grow up with a cousin the same age and hopefully always have a friend. Enjoy your pregnancy OP this wont matter soon

@Cobh wouldn't call having a baby exactly an unusual activity. I certainly wasn't particularly involved in my SILs' pregnancies. I don't think I gave my pregnancy a great deal of thought

Wow, that's quite sad. Sorry that you don't share the same joy as me/my family, however that doesn't make me "weird"

I was just wondering what would have to be wrong with your family dynamics in order to see pregnancy in terms of getting fuss and attention. Don't you feel loved and attended to on a daily basis, OP?

Erm, you're reaching now. It's quite natural to be excited to be pregnant with your first baby and to want to share that excitement with your DM and the rest of your family. Sounds more like there is something more off in your own family dynamic if no-one gets excited or even bats an eyelid over a new baby in the family.

Do you not have any cousins op? Because cousins get togethers should be great. I do, and I loved this growing up and we're still close now. I'm clinging on to this thought to make me feel better about the situation.

‘they LIED’approach you are taking I'm in no way upset about when they decided to try, obviously they're not obligated to share anything with me. And I'm not hurt about being "lied to" at all. I'm just trying to articulate the reasons why I was so shocked to hear they're expecting a baby this year. But you're right, maybe I was being naive, lots of couples do "lie" (for want of a better word) to take the pressure off, or perhaps purely because they don't want to share - which is totally fine.

I am finding myself responding more to the critical posts - perhaps I'm conscious of how I'm sounding and trying to justify myself.

But I actually want to post to say THANK YOU for the kind messages and advice. I am feeling better today, and I know when both babies come (or hopefully before then) none of these feelings that I'm having now will matter at all, and I'll just be overjoyed to have a healthy baby of my own and a lovely new niece or nephew.

Sounds more like there is something more off in your own family dynamic if no-one gets excited or even bats an eyelid over a new baby in the family.

Maybe we just all have more going on in our lives, and don't over-inflate the importance of people having babies? Unless, obviously, it's people who have done so after longterm fertility troubles or miscarriages.

lunar1 is so right. I had DS2 in February and DS1 age 3 still hogs the limelight! Poor DS2 gets cuddled and coo'ed at but otherwise ignored a bit.

My nephew was born 3 months after our son. They’d been trying for a long while, and we’d not really been trying too hard. I have to say it’s been so lovely having them close in age. Particularly as they get older, it cracks me up (and is reassuring) that they are developmentally so similar. They are a bit of a distance away but we try to spend time together. I pick up lots of useful products from my sil, and they get all our clothes :) It’s a really great situation.

When I was pregnant, I transferred all the anxiety on to our cat. The poor thing went to the vet SO many times. In retrospect, it was totally the hormones but I couldn’t see it at the time! So I think that pregnancy hormones might be messing with you a bit here.

One way to deal with it, rather than fight off the thought, I’d to acknowledge it and move on. Fighting it has the potential to make it a bigger deal than it actually is. So next time it crops up, have an attitude of interested curiosity. Be kind. Say to yourself ‘oh look there’s that thought about sil again. I see you!’. You could even (mentally) give it a little wave. I find this dissipates those unreasonable feelings really effectively.

That’s the first aid. You could also explore the driver. Is this about feeling special? Attention from whom? Remember there’s a whole side of the family who your baby will be just the one and only to. For ref, we didn’t really do making a fuss (too much) when I was pregnant although it was first grandchild both sides. They are all besotted with both. More babies = more fun I think.

Actually your family (ie your parents / extended family) may be happier with and given more value your pregnancy as you are their flesh and blood and this is your first. Women who marry into families (and their kids) often get pushed down the pecking order when women who are born into families have their kids.

@Cobh makes some brilliant points

OP was being unreasonable about her SIL as she's said herself, but it's a bit much to be making out her and her family are weird for being excited about family pregnancy/babies because you 'didn't give yours a great deal of thought' as you had 'more going on in your life' like a big project at work.

My Sil's first baby was born 3 months before our second and it does change things especially in DHs side of the family.

His family haven't bothered at all with out girls since there baby arrived. Mil couldn't even get our youngest birthday right. They've had family parties and lunches all centered around DHs family meeting their baby but nothing for ours. We went even invited to some as they didn't feel it was right that both had attention and 'we've done it all before'. It's made me feel like she's second best when to me, they're all fabulous nd I've loved seeing my girls and their new cousin together.

All you can do is enjoy your pregnancy and then enjoy your beautiful baby. You can't control how other people behave.

Its always the same on these threads "You're pregnant like 100s of other women its no big deal" its trumps of who could give the least amount of shit about a family member being pregnant, thank god my family isn't like that. We are happy when someone is pregnant, and more than happy to talk boring baby talk with them, especially a first time mum. So OP dont feel that you're family is weird, its quite the norm. Obviously YABU for thinking your SIL did it on purpose, or that someone's stolen your thunder. But as said before, think of the positives and dont let it ruin your pregnancy.

I think your being incredibly unreasonable, they can choose to have there baby whenever they want! Our cousins are around the same point in there pregnancy as ya and it's so lovely to have someone going through it with you and know that our babies will be close as they grow up. When it comes to them saying they weren't planning till next year, people used to ask us and we always said 'oh no not just yet', or 'maybe next year' as we didn't want people to know if we were trying, it was our decision to make when we wanted to

I was therefore surprised when DSIL said (in same conv as them sharing their news) when she came off her contraception, and I recalled the date we announced our pregnancy and put 2 and 2 together that they "started trying" very soon after this.

Honestly, is talking about your contraception and sex life to your ILs a thing?

That's great that it helped a bit writing things down on your phone.

I used to get irrational paranoia about work and it really was so helpful to spend my commute writing down my worries then countering each worry with why it was ridiculous, I'd then delete them off my phone. Just keep doing that, doesn't matter if you just write the same things everyday, and hopefully in time you'll not worry so much anymore and you'll (that's what I found with my work related anxieties).

OP, I get it. I understand exactly how you feel.

Unfortunately it is something that you will just have to keep to yourself and try to be gracious about it.

But I do understand. And I'm sure everything will be absolutely fine once the babies are here anyway x

Sorry meant to say "hopefully in time you'll not worry so much and you'll find the need to write out your worries arise less and less frequently as your worries have gone". But until then just keep on writing it down (deleting previous musings also helps because then you won't feel so repetitive or pressured to make what you write interesting/insightful/perfect)

You definitely know YABU and I'm glad that you've been able to take some of the advice shared in this thread and focus on the (many!) positives to this.

For context: my SIL had our nephew last year. They'd conceived first month trying, when we'd already been trying a year. Baby is now 7 months old and I am still not pregnant. My ILs have gone to great lengths to remind me that (hopefully) when DH and I have a baby it will be our first baby, which is still special even if it's not the first baby in the family, and that all the fuss and love and attention that our beautiful nephew has received will be duplicated again if/when our little one arrives.

The love your family have to give won't be halved because there will be two babies to share it between, it will be doubled. Try to focus on that, and good luck with your new arrival xx

Honestly, is talking about your contraception and sex life to your ILs a thing? hmm

Stop trying to make it into a thing!!! It was a throwaway comment along the lines of "we didnt expect it to happen so soon, I only came off the pill in April". I only happened to think anything of it because thats the very same time we shared our news. I dont get why people are using minor details of this to make me/my family sound like a bunch of weirdos. It's not even a relevant detail to my OP... "Please help me manage me emotions about this"