Help me control my emotional reaction - SIL pregnancy stealing my thunder

[PugPupsMum]

Let me start by saying I genuinely don’t want to feel upset, bitter or resentful over this and I can compartmentalise my feelings to an extent to see that it is lovely news for their family, but my feelings are hurt...

I was told yesterday that my brother & his wife are expecting their 2nd DC this Xmas, they already have an almost 2 yr old DD who I love to bits.

I am pregnant with my 1st and due early October.

It’s a massive shock & I’m hoping that after it sinks in I will feel better about it. I’m already trying to switch my outlook to a more positive one (for example it’s lovely to grow up with cousins the same age as you)

I’m just really sad about it and feel like my pregnancy/my first baby will be totally overshadowed in our family. I had expected that perhaps towards the end of the year there might be a pregnancy announcement (they said as much to me) but it was a big surprise to hear that their baby is due so close to ours.

I just feel sad and upset that only a few months after our baby comes, it will be followed by another new baby in the family & everyone will be excited over the new baby.

I also (perhaps rather selfishly) was enjoying being the pregnant person in the family & having all the excitement centred around our impending arrival. She’s had her turn and I was genuinely so excited for her, helped her mum to plan her baby shower etc.

I’ve always got the sense my SIL is a bit jealous/competitive with me which is weird because in general her & my DB have been before us to do everything ... buy a house, get married etc. And I have only ever been happy for them.

What makes me really pissed off and upset is that when she told us the news, she happened to mention the month they started trying, and I know it’s the very month after we announced our pregnancy. That makes me suspect that she kind of did this deliberately to steal our thunder and get pregnant as quickly as possible, despite telling me they had their hands full with their DD and weren’t going to be trying until later this year at the earliest.

Am I being unreasonable and irrational? Please go easy on me because not only am I feeling upset at the news but I’m also feeling guilt for the feelings of resentment I am having :( :( :(

Get a grip! You sound spoilt and very stupid!

Christ alive, you sound worse with each new post you add to this thread. Your poor brother and SIL.

YABVU I had heard some women get pregnant for attention but seeing it laid out here...wow. Does your family wave fans and feed grapes to pregnant members? I can’t figure out what you’re missing out on by having another pregnant person around at the same time.

Anyway no one cares as much about second babies. You’re having your first, it will be a different experience.

Well I hope you grow up a bit before your baby arrives.

I can understand why you feel how you do, OP. We have been together 5 years and, after trying for 6+ months and then being told we would need fertility treatment to have a hope of conceiving, we have been through 2 1/2 years of finding a clinic, saving up to fund and then going for IVF privately.

DH has 2 adult DC and his DS has 2 children aged 6&2. They said they were planning on waiting until their DS starts school in a couple of years time.

Anyway, we went for IVF this January, and came back delighted to know we had been successful. We went to see DSS and his family to tell him our news - only to be greeted by their DD telling us she was going to be a big sister. Turns out they are less than a week ahead of us in their pregnancy and, due to locations, we are under the same hospital but different community midwifery teams.

I felt that they had stolen our thunder - this will be my only pregnancy due to my age and their timing couldn’t have been harder for me to accept (they were the first family we saw face to face after finding out we had been successful and couldn’t even get our news out before they told us theirs. We have since found out she had her implant removed without telling him and only did so after finding out we were going for treatment in January - you can’t help feeling that their actions were deliberate to try and ‘beat us to it’ so to speak!!

However, as I’m having twins, we will be welcoming our new arrivals before they do (and I secretly felt I’d got one over them!!) but know their new arrival will be hot on the heels of ours and do feel we’ll have barely time for the family to meet out DTs before they are the focus of attention.

However, I would never tell them any of this - and I’ve not even admitted some of it to DH as it sounds so irrational and selfish!! We will love our new DGC as much as we do their other 2 - but will be from afar for the first few weeks as I won’t be driving so will be around 30 minutes away by car or 1 1/2 hours by public transport!!

I can't believe how cruel some of the posts have been on this thread. There's just no need; some of them are really personal.

The OP gets she's unreasonable I think (!); certainly hormones seem to be influencing your (IMO) out-of-character response. It was deleted I think, but there was a thread on here recently about a MNer whose DM had suddenly become loathsome to her in her pregnancy, so it does happen. I agree with everyone (excepting the attacks) that you need to move on. I'd call these intrusive thoughts to be honest. I bet when in the presence of your DC and hers when the time comes, all these feelings will vanish.

The only thing I will say is that I have loads of cousins around the same age as me, my siblings have too, my dh and his cousin look like brothers and there are loads of them. It's just normal, and nice.

.

The reason I’m upset is that they’ve had already almost 2 years of everyone fussing over their DC, honestly she’s the absolute shining star of the family and everyone, including me, just loves her to bits.

Of course I was excited for my own baby & to have some of the excitement as well. It’s just a bit sad for me that my baby will be only a couple of months old before another new baby comes along.

You sound jealous of your sil and jealous of her baby taking the attention away from your baby. You sound like you think your baby is owed a few years of having all the attention because your brothers child has already had two years.

I really would try to get a grip on this, I mean that kindly, because you are way too invested in your brothers sex life to have decided that they've gotten pregnant to piss you off.

If you don't resolve this I wouldn't be surprised if you don't start comparing with every little thing like how much time or even money on gifts your parents spend with your brothers children over yours, if she has a boy and you have a girl could make your jealous worse too. Your child could end up being jealous of their cousin too if it carries on over the years.

Therapy doesn't sound like a bad idea, I don't think your an arsehole or nasty person, just that you might need some help working through these feelings because it doesn't sound at all healthy.

Fwiw, on my mother's side I have a cousin born in the same year as me from everyone of my Mums siblings and again two years later there's four of them all born in same year.

Dads side I came along three month after my uncle had his son. And then another two followed within a year.

My own sil had my nephew five month after I had dd.

It's pretty common and not necessarily a sign that female family members are trying to steal thunder.

Best of luck OP

There's no need for you to be competitive with your sister in law, it will just spoil your relationship. Maybe try mindfulness or writing down your thoughts, but don't just write down the jealous negative thoughts - follow them with more positive phrases like "my baby will be happy with a similar age cousin", "my pregnancy is special in its own right", things like that.

You're never going to be the only person in your family with stuff going on in your life but it shouldn't take away from your happiness, love for family is not a zero sum game, especially when everything going on is happy.

Op I think people are being a bit too harsh here. You know you are being unreasonable about it, but this is just how you feel. And you haven't made a fuss about it, you are venting privately here!!

You have the right to feel sad or whatever about this. Just make sure you don't bring these negative feelings to family events and occasions. Focus on the positives that having another baby in the extended family will bring to everyone.

And maybe focus more on your own little family you are creating. I think that is best because to be honest people are very busy these days and if you are relying on your extended family to help and support you and your baby you may be disappointed. Enjoy and appreciate your extended family but lower your expectations!

You need to think of this another way.

You're going to have someone who's on mat leave at the same time as you, who also has a young baby and has done this once already before. On tap advice, coffees and play dates! You have no idea how you might cope with a newborn and she might prove to be your lifeline.

I was pregnant for the first time at the same time as my sister (not her first) but I live on the other side of the world so I missed all that stuff. I appreciate you may not have the same relationship as myself and my sister, but you may find being mums to newborns together bonds you more closely.

I can sympathise. It took us year to conceive and were so happy, announced in December, due this month. In February, my big bro and SIL announced, due in August, 5 weeks after us. She'd only been off her pill for 3 months.
I felt like they'd stolen our thunder but never showed it. I discussed it with my mum and apparently she had been worried about telling me for this reason!!
You do get over it. At least there is a bigger gap between you two! If i am late and she's early, they'll be even closer!!
I'm thrilled I've got someone to go through it with and that my wee one will have a cousin so close in age now.

Grow up , you're bringing a life into the world ! Get your priorities straight and stop attention seeking

it’s only in mine I felt a bit of a punch in the gut.

Gosh. 😐

You have no idea how lucky you are.

My DB is on the other side of the world. He's gay. He won't have kids.

DH's two brothers are also on the other side of the world. One didn't have children due to the risk of a hereditary disease, and the other's DC are well and truly grown up.

I'd give anything to have been able to share a pregnancy and childhood with my brother, who I'm really close to. Or failing that, a BIL/SIL. Hell, I'd've given anything just to have a niece or nephew, let alone one so close in age.

I can't imagine reacting to such news in the way you are.

There is so much loveliness coming you're way, and you're 'upset' and 'hurt'.

Stop and count your blessings.

I can understand how you feel. Don't let it worry you especially because having your first child and second child are very different experiences. People are much less excited by second babies, they will probably all be a bit bored of babies by the time theirs is here. So it's safe to say you will get plenty of love and attention. Maybe have a friend's only baby shower and don't invite sil, so she can't ruin your day.

Maybe have a friend's only baby shower and don't invite sil, so she can't ruin your day.

By also being pregnant??? Sheesh!

😂 At the friends only baby shower. There's a whole new level of crazy.

What is this “thunder” that people are so concerned about being stolen? You sound like an adult Verruca Salt. Your feelings are utterly pathetic let’s hope due to early pregnancy hormonal madness.Though slightly shocked at the other posters who “know how you feel”

I can sort of understand although have never felt this but I think there are great benefits to this age gap with cousins as they grow up. I think it's tricky anyway as sometimes the timing is wrong because people don't or can't plan pregnancies in this exact science way!

People are much less excited by second babies, they will probably all be a bit bored of babies by the time theirs is here

They really won't. What a weird, mean-spirited way to think.

And obviously throwing herself a baby shower with the purpose of excluding a close pregnant relative won't make OP look at all like an unhinged, demanding brat. Throwing herself one at all would be bad enough.

This happened to me, we announced our pregnancy, Bil said "rather you than me" to h then just 3 weeks later he calls to say sil is expecting (we think she did it deliberately against his wishes but says it was an accident) then a few weeks after dc was born we called them to say we were getting married and the details, next time we spoke to them maybe 3 weeks later, they were getting married before us by 4 weeks. I didn't care actually, I lived a plane ride away but to this day it's an odd relationship with them though they have split and we are too now

In my family everyone has been excited by the arrival of all babies, first, second and third. I personally didn't have any less cooing over my second baby than my first but I don't know if that's because there was a deliberate 4 year gap and there aren't any babies my bil side yet!

Are you mature enough to have a baby? I feel this is the start for poor SIl, you counting the hours parents have spent with each baby, size of presents etc. You'll ruin what could be a lovely experience, raising cousins together.

My SIL was so annoyed over the fact we had our second baby 5 months after her. It's resulted in sour relationships and instead of being close the cousins barely know each other.

Not what I dreamed off at all and I always feel sad that the cousins barely know each other.