Help me control my emotional reaction - SIL pregnancy stealing my thunder

[PugPupsMum]

Let me start by saying I genuinely don’t want to feel upset, bitter or resentful over this and I can compartmentalise my feelings to an extent to see that it is lovely news for their family, but my feelings are hurt...

I was told yesterday that my brother & his wife are expecting their 2nd DC this Xmas, they already have an almost 2 yr old DD who I love to bits.

I am pregnant with my 1st and due early October.

It’s a massive shock & I’m hoping that after it sinks in I will feel better about it. I’m already trying to switch my outlook to a more positive one (for example it’s lovely to grow up with cousins the same age as you)

I’m just really sad about it and feel like my pregnancy/my first baby will be totally overshadowed in our family. I had expected that perhaps towards the end of the year there might be a pregnancy announcement (they said as much to me) but it was a big surprise to hear that their baby is due so close to ours.

I just feel sad and upset that only a few months after our baby comes, it will be followed by another new baby in the family & everyone will be excited over the new baby.

I also (perhaps rather selfishly) was enjoying being the pregnant person in the family & having all the excitement centred around our impending arrival. She’s had her turn and I was genuinely so excited for her, helped her mum to plan her baby shower etc.

I’ve always got the sense my SIL is a bit jealous/competitive with me which is weird because in general her & my DB have been before us to do everything ... buy a house, get married etc. And I have only ever been happy for them.

What makes me really pissed off and upset is that when she told us the news, she happened to mention the month they started trying, and I know it’s the very month after we announced our pregnancy. That makes me suspect that she kind of did this deliberately to steal our thunder and get pregnant as quickly as possible, despite telling me they had their hands full with their DD and weren’t going to be trying until later this year at the earliest.

Am I being unreasonable and irrational? Please go easy on me because not only am I feeling upset at the news but I’m also feeling guilt for the feelings of resentment I am having :( :( :(

Completely irrational!

You need to find a way to get over it- plus I’ve never known family get as excited about the second baby as they do the first. My first we had presents and cards and visitors coming out the woodwork- two years later with my third it was practically a non event!

Swallow down all these sorts of thoughts and enjoy your own pregnancy. Don’t say anything to your dB though, whatever you do.

Sounds perfect. Ils won't be fighting for your baby alone!! Enjoy your baby op. Its not a competition.

YABU but I understand how you feel too. Everyone will love your baby as much as they love your niece and the new baby won’t change that.

Yeah YABU. My SIL and our child are a few days apart, it's lovely, no jealousy. You need to see the positive side of this. Plus because it's their second child it's not the whole excitement of first baby for everyone else, it's not going to overshadow you.

The fact that her and DB told me that maybe next year they’d want to add to their family, then they start trying a matter of weeks after we share our pregnancy news, doesn’t help - like I said, it’s just a shock.

Perhaps they didn't want to tell everybody about their sex lives!

I do think you're being unreasonable, but you have pregnancy hormones ruling you at the moment, so I can understand your feelings, and you are being honest about your them. Hopefully having written everything down and getting it out will help you to deal with your emotions over this.

On a positive note, once you become a mother to your beautiful baby, nothing else in the world will matter. Good luck and congratulations!

Gosh my first time my sil had her baby 8 weeks before mine. The second she had 8 days after mine. Never gave it a nonsense thought other than to enjoy and share the experience. You sound very silly

The fact that her and DB told me that maybe next year they’d want to add to their family

I'd assume they were already ttc when they said this - I said similar to some people when I had been trying unsuccessfully (at that point) to get pregnant for over a year. It's one of those self preservation things, like not telling people you're taking your driving test or saying you're not bothered if you get offered a job you've interviewed for or whatever. But more important obviously.

The fact that her and DB told me that maybe next year they’d want to add to their family, then they start trying a matter of weeks after we share our pregnancy news, doesn’t help

You’re faaaar too m invested in your brother’s sex life.

Don't be so ridiculous. One baby does not overshadow another. People can fuss over more than one baby at a time.

BIG TIME UNREASONABLE! Geez. My only thoughts would be, how exciting! Pregnancy buddy, cousin close in age. In fact, if my sister told me she was pregnant and due within a few days/weeks or months, from me I would jump for joy...or if my SIL said this or in fact any of my friends. I find it much more fun when babies are born close together...it sounds like you have some jealousy issues with her....or perhaps you feel a need for all attention on you? She is not trying to steal your thunder! Geez. Some people try for the very reason of wanting to have a cousin close to age...so once they hear you are expecting...they try.

Did you feel that your brother was the favoured one/ got more attention from you growing up? If so, could your feelings really be more about this?

In the nicest possible way - you are being completely ridiculous. You need to get a grip of these unreasonable crazy feelings before they start to cause a rift in the family.

The fact that her and DB told me that maybe next year they’d want to add to their family

I'd assume they were already ttc when they said this - I said similar to some people when I had been trying

I know what you mean, but she let slip when they announced that they started trying in April. We shared our news end of March. So unless she is lying about when they started trying (possible) then they started trying straight after we announced, after saying they didn’t plan to start trying until the end of this year.

Maybe I do seem overly invested, I’m not - I didn’t give it a thought until yesterday when they shared their news and I suppose because of my shock/upset at it, it made me remember the conversation we’d had previously about when they wanted a 2nd DC.

Maybe she was lying about April.

You need to get over this and be happy for them.

How soon into your pregnancy did you announce it to your family?

I'd be amazed that you think she could get pregnant at the drop of a hat just to spite you. Her baby is due 2 months after yours, so logically I'm assuming they conceived 2 months after you. So do you think she went home and just 'got pregnant' that night just to spite you?

I get that you have these feelings and you can't just make them stop, but you need to work on this, it'll ruin your pregnancy and your relationship. Also you'll spent your whole life comparing your DC to theirs and I imagine you'll get all upset if theirs says their first word before yours does or takes their first steps. That is not healthy

You know what, new babies bring their own joy with them. Nobody has ever loved one baby less because another one was born around the same time

I have 11 cousins and we were all born with about 4 years of each other. If our parents had been as immature as you there'd have been World War Three.

Really don't ever voice this stuff, and try to grow up a little.

To those asking why my feeling so of hurt seem only to be directed at her and not him, it’s only because i’ve always got a slight jealousy/competitive vibe from her, which i’ve ignored because I genuinely like her and we have a good relationship.

Plus, whenever i’ve discussed children with DB he’s always said “it won’t be anytime soon”. Obvs SIL manages her contraception, so I’m inclined to think they started “trying” when she wanted to - however of course I could be wrong and it could be a joint decision. It doesn’t really make a difference to the situation. I was expecting them to share a pregnancy announcement end of this year / early next year and I wasn’t resentful at all - it’s just the shock that now they’re expecting a baby by Xmas!

How do you know who manages the contraception? What a weird thing to say! And you say you like this woman? You're slyly accusing her of tricking her DH into a baby?

I'm sure you can get over it, of course people will be excited about your new baby!

My friend and her sister had kids a month apart, neither overshadowed the other.

If I can get over being pregnant, having a miscarriage then finding out my SIL was expecting and her son being born on what would've been my due date, I'm sure you can get over this. I had a baby 6 weeks after her in the end, but it was still hard. And we didn't steal each other's thunder either

You get a jealousy vibe from her?

My elder daughter is 10 weeks younger than her cousin and my younger daughter is 2 weeks younger than aforementioned cousin's brother.
The first time SiL told us she was pregnant, we had started trying and actually wondered if we should stop in case it might look like a copycat.
Then we regained our senses. In fact, I may have already been pregnant by the time SiL broke the news (although elder DD was a bit early).
The second time, I was already pregnant when we were told.
I did wonder whether SiL may worry we were stealing her thunder, but then reassured ourselves no-one would think like that.

The fact that her and DB told me that maybe next year they’d want to add to their family, then they start trying a matter of weeks after we share our pregnancy news, doesn’t help - like I said, it’s just a shock.

Maybe they'd already been trying for a while without success and just wanted to keep it private.
It's pretty unlikely they started trying to keep up with the Auntie and Uncle Joneses if that's what you're implying?

For all those saying how rediculous it is my mum did exactly that to her sister, couldn’t stand her getting the attention so started trying for a baby. Totally admitted it years later and she thought it was hilarious. My aunt had been ttc for many years. I hope you sil hasn’t done it to steal your thunder but honestly it would only work if you let it, everyone will be just as excited for your baby arriving, you might be glad of some of the attention being taken away after few month so you can spend time enjoying your baby without constant visitors. On the whole the attention you get while pregnant gets rather tedious in my opinion, there are only so many things people can say about it so you end up answering the same questions constantly.

Plus, whenever i’ve discussed children with DB he’s always said “it won’t be anytime soon”

I said this at 6 weeks pregnant! They probably lied and were TTC anyway.

Sorry - should RTFT. My 2nd point had already been made on several occasions