Help me control my emotional reaction - SIL pregnancy stealing my thunder

[PugPupsMum]

Let me start by saying I genuinely don’t want to feel upset, bitter or resentful over this and I can compartmentalise my feelings to an extent to see that it is lovely news for their family, but my feelings are hurt...

I was told yesterday that my brother & his wife are expecting their 2nd DC this Xmas, they already have an almost 2 yr old DD who I love to bits.

I am pregnant with my 1st and due early October.

It’s a massive shock & I’m hoping that after it sinks in I will feel better about it. I’m already trying to switch my outlook to a more positive one (for example it’s lovely to grow up with cousins the same age as you)

I’m just really sad about it and feel like my pregnancy/my first baby will be totally overshadowed in our family. I had expected that perhaps towards the end of the year there might be a pregnancy announcement (they said as much to me) but it was a big surprise to hear that their baby is due so close to ours.

I just feel sad and upset that only a few months after our baby comes, it will be followed by another new baby in the family & everyone will be excited over the new baby.

I also (perhaps rather selfishly) was enjoying being the pregnant person in the family & having all the excitement centred around our impending arrival. She’s had her turn and I was genuinely so excited for her, helped her mum to plan her baby shower etc.

I’ve always got the sense my SIL is a bit jealous/competitive with me which is weird because in general her & my DB have been before us to do everything ... buy a house, get married etc. And I have only ever been happy for them.

What makes me really pissed off and upset is that when she told us the news, she happened to mention the month they started trying, and I know it’s the very month after we announced our pregnancy. That makes me suspect that she kind of did this deliberately to steal our thunder and get pregnant as quickly as possible, despite telling me they had their hands full with their DD and weren’t going to be trying until later this year at the earliest.

Am I being unreasonable and irrational? Please go easy on me because not only am I feeling upset at the news but I’m also feeling guilt for the feelings of resentment I am having :( :( :(

So if you decide you want a 2.5 year age gap between your first and second child, I assume you also would change the plans you have made for your family, if another relative happened to be pregnant? To avoid stealing their thunder?

By the time your SIL's baby turns up you'll be so busy changing nappies and moaning about how tired you are, that the birth of their second dc will barely register! Take a chill pill op!

I agree with most on here who say you’re being ridiculous. It just sounds so childish, like you want all the attention & it’s all Me Me Me. And you’re so jealous of anyone getting some of your spotlight.
Myself & my sil were both due our second babies in the same month. She was due a week before me. We loved it. We compared bumps all the time. We both got to sit on the sofa while the rest of the family ran around after us lol. We had bets on who would go first. In the end I had mine bang on due date & hers was 2 weeks late so there’s 12 days between our babies. I remember her coming to see me when I’d had mine & she called me a bitch for going first lol. We had such a laugh.
Our boys don’t live too close to each other but get on so well.
Pull yourself together OP & enjoy yours & your sil’s pregnancies.

Being the pregnant person isn't all about baby showers and limelight and shopping. I wonder how much of a special person in the family glow you will have when you can't walk or lift after your caesarean or your bleeding heavily or your baby is in special care. You really need to grow up , if you think another woman would go through a pregnancy, birth, loss of wages etc etc to feel as special as you !

Gosh I think some people have been harsh on here.

You can’t help your feelings and you know yourself that the feelings are a bit irrational. Pregnancy hormones are probably making up a lot of it too.

I do understand. I had a mc in my first pregnancy and when we had our scan with second pregnancy and told my Dsis the news she told me that she was actually 8 weeks pg too. I can’t deny that I had ambiguous feelings about her news even though I was happy for her.

Anyway, to cut a long story short it has all been fine. The DCs have always been treated as individuals with heaps of individual attention from extended family and focus on their unique personalities and quirks. The DCs are good buddies and often sleep over at each other’s houses and are partners in crime at family get together!

So please try not to worry OP. It really will all be fine, your baby will be very special to everybody and most importantly of all it will make an incredible difference to your and your DPs lives. Good luck with it all.

Thanks for the helpful advice. I really am trying to be rational about this, I think my emotions have taken over a bit and I am trying really hard to turn it around for myself to make this into a more positive situation. Believe me, I don't want to feel like way, especially if I can help it. It's my first pregnancy and I've been so excited and happy about it so far. I know I have a lot to be grateful for, I'm sure I can find it within myself to feel much better about the situation, it's probably just the pregnancy hormones and the shock of the news. I'm really not a jealous person, despite perhaps sounding like one in my posts.

To those posting unnecessarily mean commnets, calling me childish, selfish, etc - I'm NOT enjoying feeling like this, I'm genuinely really struggling with these feelings and whilst I don't expect sympathy, I came here for some advice and support so I don't have to talk about these with anyone in my real life - I don't want any of my family or friends to think badly of me because of my honest feelings. Please try not to be unkind - there is a person behind this account, a person that's feeling fragile and maybe a little unstable, but trying to get a handle on it.

There was one comment where someone said I sound like I am jealous of my dear niece for the years of attention they've received as the little person of the family, and say that I feel that me/my new baby are owed the same. I swear that's not the case, I love my little niece and thrive on spoiling her. I have never expected my baby to have the same years of sole attention (in fact one of the things I have been so excited for is seeing my niece with our baby because she absolutely loves babies!), 1 because they're not the first baby of the family and 2 because I didn't think it would be years before DB + DSIL add to their family. This was never an issue. I was just expecting perhaps longer than a couple of months as the new baby, before another new baby comes along. Again, I KNOW this is irrational and over-sensitive - it's these emotions that I am recognising and trying to deal with.

I barely slept last night and in the wee hours I started making a list on my phone of all the things I have to be grateful for, look forward to and where I can channel my focus more positively and productively - eg my hypnobirthing course. That's making me feel better.

Perhaps speak to your midwife about your emotions and see if they can refer you to someone?

in the wee hours I started making a list on my phone of all the things I have to be grateful for, look forward to and where I can channel my focus more positively and productively - eg my hypnobirthing course. That's making me feel better.

Lovely to read that this is working, keep it up. You already know that those feelings are ridiculous, you just need to get rid of them and that can be difficult. Focussing on yourself and your own lives seems the way to go right now. Competitiveness never makes anyone happy.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I think be kind to yourself and let that kindness flow out to being glad for them. Your update shows that you can do that.

Pregnancy is a funny time and I notice that it calls up strong emotions in people. Pregnancy is the ultimate symbol of life, fertility and, on a biological level, sexual attraction. We don’t always act entirely rationally and I actually do think there is a strong possibility that your pregnancy did trigger something in your SIL. But it will all resolve itself when your babies arrive!

I can understand this as unfortunately my BIL has seemed a bit competitive with milestones like babies, weddings... Even breastfeeding! It's quite off-putting.
Don't be too hard on yourself and try to think of all the positives coming to your family :)
Perhaps you are projecting anxieties about pregnancy and birth onto your SIL?

Just put this down to pregnancy hormones and laugh about it in a year.

Honestly I am pregnant with no 2 and people kept asking when we would have another and I would say next year, in case we struggled to conceive.

I honestly don't think she meant to steal your thunder. They had probably been planning the second baby for a while and also planned to start trying when they did. Trying for a baby is not very often about "they're having one, so we have to try RIGHT NOW" - it's more planning than that normally.

Also, DH and I tend to steal thunders without meaning to. His brother and girlfriend often fall in the shadow and I always feel terrible. They told everyone they'd decided to buy a house and we announce we're getting married. They announce they've found a house and we announce we're pregnant with our second (not planned). However, in our family it seems I'm the only one who feels we're stealing thunders. His brother and girlfriend honestly don't seem bothered and are only happy for us every time and I feel it's genuine.

Of course people are different, and on my side of the family I'm the last to do everything. By the time we got pregnant my family was like "what else is new" as there were SO many grandkids at that point. And when our wedding was announced nobody seemed very excited because all of my siblings are already married. I've never been bothered by that, as it's not important to me, but I totally understand it's important to you and I don't want to judge or anything

Bonkers for the deletion message

YABU and spoiled. My Dnephew is 3 months younger than my DS1. My DS2 is about 6 or 7 months younger than my Dniece. All I'm gutted about is that they live so far away so won't grow up knowing each other. You're very lucky to be having a baby (congratulations) who'll have cousins close in age nearby. I would love that for my DCs!

It takes nothing away from you, family will be equally excited about both babies. And I highly doubt your DB and SIL did this to be competitive, as PP said it probably made them a bit broody.

Op, I mean this kindly, but it would seem the envy and competitiveness is coming from you, not her. Your post here today is an extreme example of it.

The issue is yours. You need to stop being envious and competing with her. Otherwise this is going to be a life long pattern that you will engage your kids in.

You are being unreasonable but I sort of get it. When DS was tiny I had a bit of a weird hang up about the fact my family seemed to prefer his cousin, who is 9 months older. It's nearly a year on and I realise I was being crazy and horrible (fortunately I never said anything to anyone), but I had just given birth, I was full of hormones and I went a bit mad over nothing.

Keep this one very much to yourself and it'll pass. You'll look back and laugh at how silly you were being.

Your insinuation about your SIL and contraception choices is nasty rather than jealous. An opinion like that isn't based on pregnancy hormones.

You niece will continue to get attention after her cousin and sibling is born-probably more than normal to help her not feel replaced.

Also I've found that people in my family are genuinely excited regardless of whether it's number 1 or number 4. I've not noticed a difference. I was super excited when my brother was having a third!

it would seem the envy and competitiveness is coming from you, not her. Your post here today is an extreme example of it. The issue is yours. You need to stop being envious and competing with her.

Is it envy though? I'm not sure it is... I recognise it as watching on as my SIL was made a fuss of and doted on (rightly so!) during her pregnancy by all of my family (including me), and then we all welcomed my niece and have loved every second of watching her grow from an adorable little baby to a gorgeous and hilarious little person, full of character. Never once did I feel jealous or bitter of this - I merely thought to myself "ah, thats so lovely, can't wait to have my own experience of this one day". Is that really so terrible of me?

Your insinuation about your SIL and contraception choices is nasty rather than jealous. An opinion like that isn't based on pregnancy hormones.

No, I was asked by a PP why my feelings of hurt seemed to be directed to my DSIL rather than my DB. I was just trying to explain that I'd always been given the impression by both of them that they weren't ready to start trying, but hoped to add to their family at some point next year (mentioned summer time). I was therefore surprised when DSIL said (in same conv as them sharing their news) when she came off her contraception, and I recalled the date we announced our pregnancy and put 2 and 2 together that they "started trying" very soon after this. I've never suggested she tricked him into getting pregnant, and it's really not relevant to the situation - doesn't change the outcome. It seems like just another reason for those unhelpful and frankly mean posters here to call me selfish/weird/childish/a bitch/etc. It's quite sad that some people get their kicks by being rude on the internet to others looking for support and advice.

🤨 YABU and petty. Me and my sister are due just weeks apart.
This is my first but not her first. I am happy for her as she is me and don't think there is anything to be jealous about! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Bless u,at least you haven't let them know you feel like this irl (I hope!) I sort of understand where you're coming from but there's not a thing you can do about it so just try and look forward to your baby having a playmate for life in its cousin

I think you should really back off from your family as a whole. The fact that you all seem to weirdly invested in one another's contraceptive choices and attempts to conceive and pregnancies suggests icky amounts of oversharing. Thank god my family tends to take babies as nice things that happen, but assumes pregnant women are normal, fully-functioning human beings who may be living on Hula Hoops and Gaviscon, but who are also just getting on with their lives and not being Professionally Pregnant, like it's FT Carrying the Messiah Prepare for the Adoring Magi and Shepherds stuff.

What on earth do your family do to make such a fuss when someone is pregnant?

I'm imagining a pair of little girls having a fight because they wore the same pink frilly dress to a party, and it's NOT FAIR!!!!

PugPupsMum don’t worry about this, it will all be OK. I had my DS 15 months after having DD1, and I remember my midwife saying to me after DS was born “Isn’t it amazing how the love just grows? You don’t think you could love anyone as much as you love your first but there’s always enough love for everyone.” My midwife had five kids and I now have three and it’s true. The love doesn’t get shared out, it multiplies. And that’s the same for your family, your DC will be just as loved as your DNiece and your new niece or nephew. Yes, attention will be shared, but your family will soon have three shining stars instead of just the one.

What on earth do your family do to make such a fuss when someone is pregnant?

I don't know that we do, not more so than any other family. There has only been 1 pregnant person (DSIL), and that was my parent's first grandchild and mine and my sibling's first niece. Obviously, that's massively exciting, no? Then there is my pregnancy, which has been lovely for my DM and I to share as I am her only daughter, she wants to throw me a baby shower etc and we've bonded over it (maybe because I'm her first as well).

I wouldn't say that's anything out of the ordinary, but maybe I'm wrong and we're a bunch of baby-crazed freaks!

Honestly I wouldn't be bothered by this. By the time her baby arrives you'll be knee deep in sleep deprivation and won't give a toss!