Help me control my emotional reaction - SIL pregnancy stealing my thunder

[PugPupsMum]

Let me start by saying I genuinely don’t want to feel upset, bitter or resentful over this and I can compartmentalise my feelings to an extent to see that it is lovely news for their family, but my feelings are hurt...

I was told yesterday that my brother & his wife are expecting their 2nd DC this Xmas, they already have an almost 2 yr old DD who I love to bits.

I am pregnant with my 1st and due early October.

It’s a massive shock & I’m hoping that after it sinks in I will feel better about it. I’m already trying to switch my outlook to a more positive one (for example it’s lovely to grow up with cousins the same age as you)

I’m just really sad about it and feel like my pregnancy/my first baby will be totally overshadowed in our family. I had expected that perhaps towards the end of the year there might be a pregnancy announcement (they said as much to me) but it was a big surprise to hear that their baby is due so close to ours.

I just feel sad and upset that only a few months after our baby comes, it will be followed by another new baby in the family & everyone will be excited over the new baby.

I also (perhaps rather selfishly) was enjoying being the pregnant person in the family & having all the excitement centred around our impending arrival. She’s had her turn and I was genuinely so excited for her, helped her mum to plan her baby shower etc.

I’ve always got the sense my SIL is a bit jealous/competitive with me which is weird because in general her & my DB have been before us to do everything ... buy a house, get married etc. And I have only ever been happy for them.

What makes me really pissed off and upset is that when she told us the news, she happened to mention the month they started trying, and I know it’s the very month after we announced our pregnancy. That makes me suspect that she kind of did this deliberately to steal our thunder and get pregnant as quickly as possible, despite telling me they had their hands full with their DD and weren’t going to be trying until later this year at the earliest.

Am I being unreasonable and irrational? Please go easy on me because not only am I feeling upset at the news but I’m also feeling guilt for the feelings of resentment I am having :( :( :(

I was expecting them to share a pregnancy announcement end of this year / early next year and I wasn’t resentful at all - it’s just the shock that now they’re expecting a baby by Xmas!.

What’s the difference though? You’ll either have babies a few months apart or a few more months apart .

However many children are in the family you just add that love for them it isn’t less because there is an additional child simply like parents of more than one child.

You have a member of the family you can chat to in a way anyone who isn’t pregnant doesn’t

Plus, whenever i’ve discussed children with DB he’s always said “it won’t be anytime soon”. Obvs SIL manages her contraception, so I’m inclined to think they started “trying” when she wanted to

Again, this reads like they've been obfuscating their plans (as a lot of people do when talking about children to their families) and you've taken it as gospel. Also, believing that another woman has led her partner to conceive a baby that he was anything other than wholly enthusiastic about because she feels jealous of or competitive with you smacks of internalised misogyny. You really would do better to have a sharp word with yourself sooner rather than later, because you're setting yourself up for a very hard time as a parent who will have to regularly interact with other parents of kids doing things on similar but not identical timescales to yours.

There are two days between DD and DN and you know what? I've loved the bones of her since my SIL sent me the pic of two lines! YABVVVU!

I’ve always got the sense my SIL is a bit jealous/competitive with me which is weird because in general her & my DB have been before us to do everything ... buy a house, get married etc.
It really sounds like it’s the other way around.

of course I could be wrong and it could be a joint decision

Oh my god, just listen to yourself. Of course it was a joint decision. They’re a married couple who already have one child, and indicated that they would like a second.

You’re making it sound like your SIL is somehow taking advantage of your brother and stole his seed.

You’re the competitive one here, and rather unhinged with it.

This nonsense of 'she's in charge of contraception so clearly it was done to her timetable' is horseshit.

Most women are in charge of the contraception, and still the decision to start TTC is joint. You're really betraying your dislike for her with remarks like that.

Weird. Just weird. And the more replies you write, the weirder you seem.

The second I found out I was pregnant with our first I literally begged my SIL to start trying so we could be pregnant together and raise our babies together!! It never entered my mind whatsoever that she could be "stealing my thunder" and I am so happy that our boys are only 10 weeks apart. You are Brutal!!!

Is being pregnant now a competitive sport?
This is beyond weird.

Yup, you're being unreasonable and irrational I'm afraid.

My sister had her first two months after I had my second and we were both really happy for each other, and it's been lovely having cousins who are so close together.

Dear Lord, get a grip or you will spend your while life eaten up with bitterness. Pregnancy and birth isn't an excuse for undivided attention for a year or two, everybody else just gets on with what they already had planned.

There a very relevant question here:
Did you get pregnant because you wanted the adulation from family members, or did you just want to have a baby?
If it's the former, I'm sorry to say that is the wrong reason for having a child.
If it's the latter, you need to have a word with yourself and move on. You have no right to feel your emotions can dictate when other people choose to have children.

Also, people of similar ages (which I assume you are) are generally likely to have kids around the same time. They don't have to get clearance from people around them in case they are taking attention from them or something.

Blame it on the hormones OP. Can't you and SIL enjoy the shared experience, go shopping for baby stuff together?

I understand you OP, this happened to me too and I felt a bit put out, and cross with myself for feeling that way when there are so many ‘real’ problems in the world, more important things to worry about, so many reasons to be grateful etc.
That’s just human though isn’t it, we can feel miffed when someone else shares our experiences (or limelight).
Don’t beat yourself up, you are not the only person who would feel that way.

Ps. In my case it said something about how I felt about (the equivalent of your) DSIL. My cousin had a baby same time and I was thrilled about that, but when it was my “DSIL” I was miffed, and that prob links to me finding her little miss perfect at times!

Think of how lovely it will be for your kids to grow up together at such a close age.

If you let go of some of this emotion you could be a real support to each other now and actually enjoy sharing this experience (its lovely to do so)

How empty would a family’s lives have to be to be this invested in someone else’s pregnancy? In the nicest possible way, grow up, OP. No one is that interested in other people’s new babies, even when they’re related to them, and other people don’t stop being promoted, emigrating, getting married, dying, and other attention-grabbing activities just because you’re having a baby.

You can’t help how you feel and at least are honest to yourself. Don’t be honest to anyone else and it will pass. Two new babies are much, much nicer to have around than one. It will add to your sparkle not diminish it.
It’s lovely watching cousins develop special bonds and learn to interact with each other. Photos of children are much nicer when it’s two playing happily together than a lone infant.
Several of my teams are having/have just had babies. Each and every one is equally exciting and welcomed as a new team member. I love meeting them all and you can never tire of a beautiful newborn unless you’re it’s mother.
Stop fretting. It’s hormones.

What you don't yet understand is that the addition of any new child to the family doesn't cut the current feelings. It's not like a cake when you then have to share. Every new child is like having a whole new cake. And by cake I mean love. So your baby won't lose love by another arriving. Capacity to love just gets bigger. It's truly amazing and special. Enjoy your pregnancy and new baby. They will always be special. As will your current niece/nephew and your new one.

I have a friend with a baby three months older than my DD. Said baby is always fussed over more at gatherings because he's bigger and can do more. Tiny babies aren't as interesting. I doubt the younger one will steal your baby's thunder.

Come on OP, you're being ridiculous.

YABU but I think you already know that. Attention isn’t a good reason to have a baby.

Look at the positives! You and your SIL will be off on mat leave at the more or less same time. Your baby and his/her cousin will be really close in age.

The fact that her and DB told me that maybe next year they’d want to add to their family

Well she's due in December- maybe they were just lucky and conceived a lot sooner than they thought they might? More likely than planning their family around trying to steal your thunder.

I would imagine that as your parents' daughter they will still be invested and enthusiastic about your first pregnancy.