Help me control my emotional reaction - SIL pregnancy stealing my thunder

[PugPupsMum]

Let me start by saying I genuinely don’t want to feel upset, bitter or resentful over this and I can compartmentalise my feelings to an extent to see that it is lovely news for their family, but my feelings are hurt...

I was told yesterday that my brother & his wife are expecting their 2nd DC this Xmas, they already have an almost 2 yr old DD who I love to bits.

I am pregnant with my 1st and due early October.

It’s a massive shock & I’m hoping that after it sinks in I will feel better about it. I’m already trying to switch my outlook to a more positive one (for example it’s lovely to grow up with cousins the same age as you)

I’m just really sad about it and feel like my pregnancy/my first baby will be totally overshadowed in our family. I had expected that perhaps towards the end of the year there might be a pregnancy announcement (they said as much to me) but it was a big surprise to hear that their baby is due so close to ours.

I just feel sad and upset that only a few months after our baby comes, it will be followed by another new baby in the family & everyone will be excited over the new baby.

I also (perhaps rather selfishly) was enjoying being the pregnant person in the family & having all the excitement centred around our impending arrival. She’s had her turn and I was genuinely so excited for her, helped her mum to plan her baby shower etc.

I’ve always got the sense my SIL is a bit jealous/competitive with me which is weird because in general her & my DB have been before us to do everything ... buy a house, get married etc. And I have only ever been happy for them.

What makes me really pissed off and upset is that when she told us the news, she happened to mention the month they started trying, and I know it’s the very month after we announced our pregnancy. That makes me suspect that she kind of did this deliberately to steal our thunder and get pregnant as quickly as possible, despite telling me they had their hands full with their DD and weren’t going to be trying until later this year at the earliest.

Am I being unreasonable and irrational? Please go easy on me because not only am I feeling upset at the news but I’m also feeling guilt for the feelings of resentment I am having :( :( :(

I’ve been through this
My family decisions and life aren’t other people’s concern I am not ‘stealing anyone’s thunder’ people have been having babies for thousands of years.

You need to put a positive spin on it, cousins close in age and friends someone to go to baby groups with, a lovely new niece or nephew to dote on. Or you can just keep thinking about yourself?
Really upsets me reading this as I was made to feel like shit for wanting a baby, they come when they come, I was sad my ds begrudged me but she did come round and was our first visitor with her baby so it worked out it was just stressful and hard to feel like having a baby was a bad thing and I had somehow factored in her in my family plans

I was exactly the same as you OP with my first.
I knew I was being bonkers and masked it all I could but somewhere within me it really felt as if anyone else being pregnant was wrong and it was My.Time.
It is hormonal, and you are self-aware enough mot to cause a family rift. Remember: your baby will be the only one with you for a Mum.
Congratulations

@Kaykay06 I'm sorry you were made to feel that way I would never bring this up with anyone in my family for fear of looking like a brat or causing a rift in such a special time. I genuinely feel guilty for feeling a bit resentful about it. More than anything, I would hate to anyone's pregnancy - mine or DSIL's - to have a negative cloud over it.

@notatwork Thank you. Good to know its not just me. And your baby will be the only one with you for a Mum. Thanks xxx that's really sweet, actually made me a bit teary. I'm honestly not a bitch, just having some bitchy thoughts is all.

• I think you do have a hint of "only pregnant woman in the world" about you

BUT

• Bear in mind this is her second DC and frankly they never get as much attention.

Do you feel this way as she always steals your thunder?

I think you do have a hint of "only pregnant woman in the world" about you

Yeah, I can kind of see that - not "in the world" but possibly "...in my family right now". It's not deliberate though, I don't want to feel upset. And it is my first (and utterly coveted) baby. I'm sure I'm not the only one to feel this way.

Do you feel this way as she always steals your thunder?

She hasn't really before, at least not that I have ever been affected by. As I mentioned previously, she can give off a bit of a competitive vibe but it's never been something thats bothered me. I tend to just ignore it because we get on well and the good in her far outweighs the bad. I don't have any kind of personal hatred towards her, I'd say we're close friends.

You can’t help your immediate feelings and hopefully it’s helped to have everyone tell you you’re being silly :)

I must say though, your statement about how you have got the sense your SIL is competitive with you is very strange as it seems to be the complete opposite and like she’s just happily living her life while you’re resentful and in competition with her. I doubt she’s even given your similar timelines a second thought. They’re just planning their family as they’re entitled to!

You have some misogynistic worrying ideas though about pesky controlling sly women forcing men into fatherhood without their full and enthusiastic participation.

@MommaToBe2020 you have got the sense your SIL is competitive with you is very strange as it seems to be the complete opposite Not true at all, in fact I wrote some examples of her competitive behaviour then deleted them before posting because a) they dont really bother me and b) its petty to even mention them, let alone listing them out. I'm NOT a competitive person (in fact I often wish I were a bit more competitive - it might make me more motivated at work, or to lose weight etc!), but there are many examples of her showing a bit of one-upmanship. Can't be bothered to go into detail because it genuinely has never bothered me.

You have some misogynistic worrying ideas though about pesky controlling sly women forcing men into fatherhood without their full and enthusiastic participation Again, no I don't. I've never suggested anything like that other than a comment saying "she manages her contraception", you sound like another PP clinging on to minor details and bashing me over the head with them trying to tell me these are my own thoughts/views.

Just enjoy your pregnancy concentrate on you and all the nice things and o hope the feeling passes
Glad your sil doesn’t know how you feel
It’ll pass I’m sure and enjoy your tiny bundle when they arrive x

I felt for you until you said she's done it on purpose. Self obsessed much? Maybe she wants you to have them close together as that would be nice. Fancy that hey? I think you're being pathetic!

God, you really don’t get how badly you’re coming across, do you? If you’re like this in real life, and prancing about being The Only Pregnant Woman Ever, maybe your SIL and BIL did do it on purpose just for the fun of seeing you fume visibly.

Or not. Because no one really plans their family to piss off even the world's Most annoying IL.

I'm NOT a competitive person

But your whole post is about how you're competing with your sister in law for some weird pregnancy attention and how you're jealous you'll have to share it and how even her infant child got attention and how you wanted it now.

It's as competitive and jealous as it gets.

YABU. I can’t believe people actually think like this Madness.

Congratulations on your baby OP. Enjoy your pregnancy and the little one you’re lucky enough to be expecting. And for god’s sake, forget all this “stealing thunder”/“overshadowing” nonsense!

Pug - you can claim until you're blue in the face that you're not a competitive person, but you're being ridiculously competitive over this particular thing.

You want the attention all on you. For the full duration of your pregnancy. You think there is 'thunder' to steal, and you think your SIL (not brother) is purposely stealing it. Timing TTC just to upstage / over-shadow you.

It wouldn't occur to most people to be upset by this. Some people have come on to say they know how you feel. They're weirdly competitive, too.

For most people, this is would just be a special time, made doubly so, by the fact that another close family member will be going through it too.

Something to celebrate, not get so competitive over.

Again - count your blessings.

This is the most batshit crazy thread I've ever read on MN.

To be fair to the op, I've read crazier ones. 🤣

This is the most batshit crazy thread I've ever read on MN.

Hardly, I've read far worse.

But it does show a rather startling lack of self-awareness, to come onto straight-talking MN and post about this as if you are some kind of victim, deserving of support and sympathy.

I'm not suggesting people should be unkind.

But to not expect people to tell you to pretty much cop on to yourself seems very self-indulgent.

Imagine if you were still ttc and nothing was happening, or if you had known fertility issues, or if you had just had a miscarriage. Imagine how bitter you would feel towards your SIL then.

Focus on that for a moment and then remind yourself that you are pregnant and your baby is healthy and that is really honestly all that matters. There are so many women out there who would give anything to be pregnant, to feel their baby wriggle and kick inside them, and cradle that newborn in their arms.

The fuss and attention means nothing in the grand scheme of things. Being able to have a child is everything.

As there's only one little one in the family right now, you probably also don't appreciate that love (and fuss, if it's so important) is a bottomless pit.

What's being given to your niece right now isn't about to be divided into three. Each of the DC will be given an infinite amount.

Just because your SIL will now be fussed over again as a pregnant women, so will you be.

It really is all good.

Can you not take it as someone to share with.
Honest being pregnant is far more interesting to pregnant woman... Your SIL and yourself can become better friends.
Your bump will always be bigger, and your child will be born first,. The first grandchild of a daughter is different to anything else for your mum...
You already know your child will be much lived and spoilt by your family, you also have a whole second family on your partners side who get to look forward to a new baby..

I'm just going to chip in with...my second DS and my niece are just under 4 weeks apart in age and honestly it is THE BEST thing ever. Being pregnant together was so lovely to be able to share the experience and going through all the hurdles of growing up together is just so nice. They are like little best friends and I wouldn't have it any other way. I really hope my SIL feels the same way I do. And I hope she never felt I was stealing her thunder. I hope you get over this soon OP as it is so wonderful and the sooner you see that the better.

The same thing happened to me, OP- and I found it very hard not to be upset about it. But dd and her cousin have been such good mates all their lives and are actually going to be sharing a flat next year for a while- which is wonderful. But 24 years later, I can still remember how jealous I felt when sil announced her pregnancy a couple of weeks after we announced ours.
could have killed her! And she was/is pil’s baby girl- so obviously I went down the pecking order a bit. But it all worked out well in the end. And as I said-dd and her twisen (their word!) are best of friends.

Feelings can be irrational, for what it’s worth I don’t think you sound self-centred or bitchy, just human. Most of us have some buttons which, when pushed, might make us think differently than we might usually. Try not to engage with the thoughts, let them rain down, and instead focus on things you can do something about . When a thought comes into your marriage be, switch it for one of you cuddling your lovely baby or enjoying that nice baby smell. Enjoy your time and focus on the important moments, not the outside fripperies.

OP, you're getting a very hard time on here and I don't think it's fair. You're full of pregnancy hormones for a start, so I think you're allowed to be a bit irrational! You've recognised it's not a healthy way to think and you're focusing on the good things and I think that's great.

Mumsnet is full of people who like to pile on and tell people how awful they are, all convinced they'd be totally cool with the situation if it was them. I think if we're all honest we would admit to feeling a little twinge of annoyance in your position! There really are people who try hard to pip their friends and relatives to the post when it comes to pregnancies, weddings etc - they're frequently mentioned on mumsnet so I don't know why everyone is pretending they've never heard of such a thing!

FOR GOODNESS SAKE don't tell your sil your choices for baby names!!!

@FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 Thank you for understanding. It does seem to be a particularly judgey thread when I have come here & only admitted my honest feelings, acknowledged they’re irrational/over sensitive and asked for advice on how to pull myself out of it.

And yes, I definitely won’t be sharing any potential names 🤭🤫 God if I feel anything like I do now that would go down like an absolute shit sandwich!!