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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Abortion - I'm not sure it's the right thing

179 replies

whatamidoingwithmylife · 07/12/2018 21:58

I'm 10wks pregnant and considering abortion. I've only been with my partner for around 8mths and he's never wanted children (I've always thought it unlikely I would have any either).
We've found ourselves in this situation and he's been very clear that he wants me to terminate. I was in full agreement at the start as I had been taking medication that could potentially cause birth defects - this now seems unlikely to have caused issues in this pregnancy.
I really feel that I would like to carry on with the pregnancy but can't do it alone. My partner would support that decision the best he could but I know he'd forever resent me for keeping it. I feel that I would resent him if I terminate as I'm almost 35 so waiting a few years to try again as he's suggested could be possible, doesn't really seem an option as I'll be too old. He's only 29 and is in a less stable point in his life than I am.
Although he's not being pushy, he's very clear on his decision.
I've had my first appointment to discuss termination at the hospital and was so distressed they had to put me in a room to cry it out as I was in too much of a state to continue discussions or book the surgery.
Has anyone been in a similar situation that could give me any advice?
My partner has Aspergers so really doesn't understand why I'm so upset all the time and can't make my mind up.

OP posts:
myotherbagisgucci · 07/12/2018 22:06

I haven't been in a similar situation I'm
afraid, but didn't want to read and run and from what you've said, it sounds like you want to continue this pregnancy.

I think you need to ask yourself that if you go ahead with the abortion, could you stay with your partner knowing he pushed you into something you really didn't want?

Jaffacakebeast · 07/12/2018 22:20

It’s your choice. You know he doesn’t want the baby. He might change his mind, come round? But you should make your decision based on you. If you’re are prepared to go it alone then that’s up to you, the same if you’re prepared/able to stay with him if you feel pressured not to keep it, There could be resentment on either side, what ever you do

Uummokay · 07/12/2018 22:26

I have been in the same situation. We had been together a lot longer than 8 months though. When we found out I was pregnant his first words were "It will be ok, we will sort it". We had not planned on children so I just thought he meant we would handle becoming parents. What he meant was an abortion.

So I went along, convinced myself it was the right thing to do, I wasn't ready to be a mother or start a family but a part of me didn't want to.

I had the abortion and it wasn't great but I am not here to scare you with that.

Do I regret it? I am not sure. Do I feel I did it for him more than for myself? Yes. But is that just me dealing with the guilt I put on myself over it? I thought about the baby every day but it got easier. I suffer from terrible self torture though and I am my own worst enemy.

18 months later I was pregnant again. I wanted to be pregnant and I think I wanted to replace the gap I created. This is all kind of wrongs and hard to explain without feeling vulnerable to judgement.

I have a daughter now who wouldn't be here if I didn't have the abortion. So it's hard to direct my emotions of the situation.

I am pro abortion and think it is a fundamental right for women. I also think we should be able to speak about it more as it feels like a dirty secret.

Think about what you want, be selfish and do what you want to do. You can't unring a bell.

I send you much love. I don't have the answers you need. But I am here to listen, not judge and support.

Goposie · 07/12/2018 22:27

How would you feel if you tried to get pg in your mid to late thirties and couldn’t?

Starlight456 · 07/12/2018 22:32

I am also pro choice .

However in all my reading on here women who don’t want an abortion but do it for there partners seem to really struggle to get over it and relationships often fail.

You really don’t read as someone who wants an abortion.

Fairylightfurore · 07/12/2018 22:38

You have said that you want this baby. He can be on board or not. If he pressures you to terminate against your will then your relationships over anyway. Obviously it's preferable if he is on board, but you need to go with your gut on this.

Stickmanslittleleaf · 07/12/2018 22:44

Your only consideration at this point should be YOU. Think very very carefully about whether you could do it alone, you say you don't think so. But even if your partner comes round to the idea you need to disregard him entirely and think about what you want. You sound torn. What's done can't be undone either way so it's about whether you will have a termination or a baby. No-one on here or IRL can tell you what to do, this is your tough, potentially life changing choice. Thanks

whatamidoingwithmylife · 07/12/2018 23:02

Uummokay - thanks for your insight. I do think I'll regret it but I have always known deep down that if I ever got pregnant and the situation wasn't great, I'd choose termination. But now I'm in this situation it's much harder than I thought it would be. I've cried every day since I found out 8wks ago.

I spoke with my boyfriend earlier today and he told me that his job is less stable than I thought it was - and he broke down in tears as he doesn't think we would be in the right life position to deal with a baby.

I don't feel that I could expect him to help bring up a baby if he doesn't want to so I've told him I wouldn't expect him to be involved if I keep it. The more I think about it, the more I know I wouldn't be able to do it alone due to my job/commute etc.

My boyfriend has been quite upset about the possibility that this will break us up and I think it's likely it will.

OP posts:
v101 · 08/12/2018 00:13

Do you have family or support who could help you?
I was with my boyfriend with 4 months when I fell pregnant and I considered termination several times but chose not to go through with it. We are still together and have a lot of family around which helps.

It's completely up to you but if YOU want to have your baby then do. Please don't feel pressured into termination!x

Uummokay · 08/12/2018 00:19

Its such a big decison and you seem to be thinking about it rationally.

I just want you to know that I honestly feel the weight you have on your shoulders.

Be sure to give yourself some love. Doing what is right for you and being confident in your decisions is a sign of strength. Having options is something we should be proud of.

Be sure to talk as much as you can about how you are feeling. Letting it out is such a powerful tool.

Please don't feel alone. Flowers

Butterymuffin · 08/12/2018 00:19

I am also totally pro choice and if you want to terminate you should, but I don't think you do. You will probably have to accept it ends your relationship. But disregard your partner in that case and think about what you really want.

Stufftheturkeysholewithholly · 08/12/2018 00:27

I have been in this situation, unplanned pregnancy, father adament he wanted termination. Like you I had a consultation and cried. I was 33. In the end i dumped him and raised my baby alone and it was the best thing that has ever happened to me. He walked away completely so just me and my child throughout everything and while there have been difficult times, i really adore and live for my child and have never regretted continuing with the pregnancy. I work with a huge commute too so that is doable. Sounds like you do want to keep the baby. Dontbe pressured into terminating if your heart is not in it. Best of luck with your decision.

Sethis · 08/12/2018 00:46

You can have another baby.

You can't maintain this relationship if you keep it.

So the question is whether you think this relationship is one that can and will go the distance and stand the test of time - are you going to marry this man, buy a house together, and have children in a year or two's time?

He says he has never wanted children. Does he ever want children in the future? If he doesn't want children, ever, then you may as well keep this one and break up with him, or terminate and break up with him, because your life goals are mutually incompatible. You cannot maintain a relationship at your time of life where you want babies and your partner does not. It's not fair on you to sacrifice your chance for children, and it's not fair on him for you to force him into being a parent if he doesn't want to be one. If you want babies then you need a partner who also wants babies, if this guy isn't it then you need to look elsewhere.

Lastly, this is a little unclear:

I was in full agreement at the start as I had been taking medication that could potentially cause birth defects - this now seems unlikely to have caused issues in this pregnancy.

So did you tell your partner before having sex "If contraception fails, I will abort"? Or did you tell your partner "If contraception fails, but the baby isn't defective, I'm going to carry to term"?

Because if it was the former, then you're in a huge breach of trust. He had sex with you on the promise you made to him that if an accident happened with your default contraceptive, an abortion would be the next step. He trusted you to keep your word in this, rather than getting his tubes tied, or using multiple contraceptives etc etc. Going back on your word is, as you say, going to make him resent you and the child for a very long time, possibly forever. He may well leave you over it.

Alternatively, you may not have discussed this before, in which case while you're not in breach of trust, you are going to have to reconcile opposing views, which is only going to happen with long and sustained and completely, utterly, 100% honest conversations with your DP.

Ifwisheswereunicorns · 08/12/2018 01:10

I really feel for you. I aborted my first pregnancy at 19(abusive relationship); I don't regret it but think about what that child could have been every day. I met my husband a few years later and I miscarried our first and it took us 2 years to try again. We have our 2 boys now and we're both in the right (almost) place to have them.... (almost because it's bloody hard and I often think I'm doing a shit job), my boys tell me they love me every day and that means we're doing ok, I think.
Sorry, long story!
If you know what is right for you then you have to do it.
Does your job pay maternity? Can you afford to leave your partner and bring your baby up alone? It seems your partner is not considering the time scales of a females body. I wish you well. X

rainbowquack · 08/12/2018 01:41

I am 😮 over this comment @Sethis

'So did you tell your partner before having sex "If contraception fails, I will abort"? Or did you tell your partner "If contraception fails, but the baby isn't defective, I'm going to carry to term"?

Because if it was the former, then you're in a huge breach of trust. He had sex with you on the promise you made to him that if an accident happened with your default contraceptive, an abortion would be the next step. He trusted you to keep your word in this, rather than getting his tubes tied, or using multiple contraceptives etc etc. Going back on your word is, as you say, going to make him resent you and the child for a very long time, possibly forever. He may well leave you over it.'

Wow. Just wow. It's this type of comment which fuels attitudes such as 'she trapped him' and other such shite. What a load of rubbish. Sex between a man and a woman can cause babies. Men are not innocent bystanders or victims in these situations. If you aren't mature enough to realize this, then you shouldn't be having sex.

OP, the thing is, women bear all the consequences of sex and men don't. It is our mental health at risk when we terminate an unwanted pregnancy, because it isn't easy to be clinical about it, and in situations when we don't terminate, we are often left holding the baby while the man has the option to walk away. (By the way, no decent person would walk away from a life that they created. There is just no excuse, IMO. My DH of 16 years also has Aspergers and is the most wonderful father to our four children). As you are discovering, it is such an emotional situation, and not at all an easy decision. Posts like the one I have highlighted above are exceptionally unhelpful.

When we were in your shoes, the doctor told us to think very carefully because it would be one of the biggest decisions of our lives.

As a mother and a woman, I am very pro choice.

Do what is right for you.

Good luck.

Botanica · 08/12/2018 02:02

Only you can make the decision, but I would make the decision for you singular, rather than you plural. What do you want for you?

Would you be ok with never having a child in your life?

Please don't assume at 35 you can have another baby when the time is right. There are too many threads on the infertility boards to show otherwise, and yes that also includes secondary infertility when people are TTC for the second time.

Wishing you the best with your decision x

Sethis · 08/12/2018 02:03

Pretty sure if it was possible for a man to take the egg of a woman during sex and create a child with it against her will, you wouldn't be defending that. Especially if had promised he wasn't going to do so.

No idea how you think a man should take 50% of the responsibility for accidently conceiving, yet have 0% of a voice in the decision making process on how to deal with the consequences of that accident.

I'm going to bow out before this gets derailed from the OP any further. This is my opinion, you have yours, nobody is going to change their stance. Best wishes on finding a good solution that works for you.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 08/12/2018 02:27

Sending you lots of Flowers OP.

Sorry to be harsh, but from your description, your DP doesn't sound particularly mature so I think this has to be your decision, based on what you can cope with and what you really want.

PatricksRum · 08/12/2018 02:50

Why can't you do it alone?
My partner wanted me to abort but I said no way and continued.
I know what you mean about the resentment though but I think he'd get over it.

rainbowquack · 08/12/2018 03:04

@Sethis
If the situation was different, then yes, I probably would have a different opinion, (Seems rather a bizarre thing to say as applicable to everything?) but this is how things are. For what's its worth, I am pretty sure if it were men who had to balance their life choices with pregnancy, labour, body changes, and balancing your life/career with the needs of your family, the world would be a very different place, but that's another discussion, for another time.

Yes, when two people have sex and an unplanned pregnancy occurs, both parties are equally responsible for any consequences. But, we aren't discussing accidentally buying a car that one partner does want, and can return with little or no consequences. The woman always bears the consequences for sex, even if you can't physically see them, appreciate this or understand them.

Your comments feed into the discourse that women of child bearing age are conniving and not to be trusted, and men are victims. That men should be able to have sex and then women should automatically do their bidding with a resulting pregnancy, because there is no middle ground. And then you say you are going to bow out so the thread isn't derailed? Awful.

Whilst I can appreciate that it could feel as if the male has no control over something that could ultimately affect his future, he does have control over a) his contraception choices, b) who he has sex with, c) if he will be involved with any resulting child.

I do find attitudes such as yours abhorrent, and it achieves nothing other than apply pressure to women who find themselves in this emotional situation. At the end of the day, it is her body, and so yes, she does have the final say.

OP, I am sorry these comments have been left on your thread. I think you are doing everything right, in considering both of your needs, having an open dialogue with your partner. No one can reach the decision for you, but ultimately, it is your decision.

I hope you have some support in RL.

OliveSeaTurtle · 08/12/2018 03:40

I had one at 8 weeks once and it was the best decision I ever made, I'm so glad I didn't go through with it.

That was a long time ago and now I'm happily pregnant with a planned child in great circumstances.

Don't feel worried about having one, it's simple and better then having a child in the wrong circumstances. Make sure you use good protection afterwards, I got the implant which lasted 3 years :)

whatamidoingwithmylife · 08/12/2018 07:16

V101 - no I don't have anyone to help. I have a tiny family where most of them work full time themselves. My grandparents are long dead so no extended family to help either. My mother doesn't work but has made it clear that she wouldn't be offering any help to me but understands that I would prefer to keep the baby if I could.

I also have no close friends, so no one to discuss this with other than my partner. My mother makes excuses not to talk about it so we only had one brief conversation.

OP posts:
whatamidoingwithmylife · 08/12/2018 07:26

Sethis - thanks for your message.
I'm not 100% sure whether he doesn't ever want children as I think this situation has maybe changed his mind a little.
A while after we first met he dropped the 'what happens if you get pregnant' chat while we were in a place/time that I didn't find private enough to fully discuss it. He told me he'd never wanted to be a father and wanted a vasectomy but was too scared to go through with it. I was shocked as although I knew he wasn't keen on kids (as I felt also at that time), I was completely unaware that he'd made the decision not to have any.
Now this has happened, he's told me that it's something we could consider in the future. He told me I'm the best match he could ever hope for and 100% sees a long future with me. He never expected to meet someone like me and maybe once we've got a home together and done what we want to do, that could be the final piece of the jigsaw.
It seems such an about-turn that I'm suspicious it's been said so that I terminate and then babies are never mentioned again. He seems completely oblivious to the fact that at my age if I wait another 5yrs then I have practically no chance of getting pregnant and that after 35 there are a hell of a lot more problems likely.

OP posts:
whatamidoingwithmylife · 08/12/2018 07:41

rainbowquack - thanks for your helpful comments, sorry you got drawn into an argument.

It's true that women bear all the consequences and my partner was fully aware that as the only contraception I can use is the condom, it could be more likely an accident could result in pregnancy as I can't take the pill as a back up method. I believe his attitude was quite cavalier at times and he should have been more aware of his actions in the past when he got 'carried away' Hmm on occasion.
It seems he assumed because I've never been desperate to be a mother, I'd happily abort any 'mistakes' we made.

We're both very focussed on having plans (this is made worse by his Aspergers) so because this doesn't fit into his set plan it cannot go ahead in his opinion. He was fantastic when I first told him and was incredibly supportive, but that was when I was focussed on termination. He maintains he's tried to bring up the conversation again over the past few weeks but I know he hasn't and has been actively avoiding it.

OP posts:
CryptoFascist · 08/12/2018 07:48

I think you're absolutely right, he is just saying it to bargain you into having an abortion. No way he suddenly wants children now you're pregnant but doesn't want this specific one. Makes no sense.

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