Abortion - I'm not sure it's the right thing

[whatamidoingwithmylife]

I'm 10wks pregnant and considering abortion. I've only been with my partner for around 8mths and he's never wanted children (I've always thought it unlikely I would have any either).
We've found ourselves in this situation and he's been very clear that he wants me to terminate. I was in full agreement at the start as I had been taking medication that could potentially cause birth defects - this now seems unlikely to have caused issues in this pregnancy.
I really feel that I would like to carry on with the pregnancy but can't do it alone. My partner would support that decision the best he could but I know he'd forever resent me for keeping it. I feel that I would resent him if I terminate as I'm almost 35 so waiting a few years to try again as he's suggested could be possible, doesn't really seem an option as I'll be too old. He's only 29 and is in a less stable point in his life than I am.
Although he's not being pushy, he's very clear on his decision.
I've had my first appointment to discuss termination at the hospital and was so distressed they had to put me in a room to cry it out as I was in too much of a state to continue discussions or book the surgery.
Has anyone been in a similar situation that could give me any advice?
My partner has Aspergers so really doesn't understand why I'm so upset all the time and can't make my mind up.

OP I hope you are ok, please make the choice based on what you want and not what he is promising you might happen at some undetermined point in the future particularly when he has previously said he didn’t want children. I know if is very difficult to know what to do.

I became pregnant when I wasn’t in a relationship with the father and i was still living with my parents. I had to make the choice that was best for me and not him. I chose to keep my baby because I knew I would manage with or without his support. As it happens he supported me and is now my DH and we have three children.

Hi
I'm really sorry to hear that your going through this.
If the thought of abortion sits heavy on your heart this much then maybe it could be a sign that you don't really want to get rid of it.
I know your probably scared at the thought of being a single mum and think you can't do it on your own, I felt the exact same way when i broke up with my partner when I was pregnant. But the truth is most women just crack on and find a way, you have to think what's best for you. I don't want to sound rude but also you can't make a decision based on a man's needs or wants, because who's to say you'll both stay together with or without a child. I honestly believe you should do what your instincts tell you to do and whatever it is will be the right decision for you. If you do terminate the pregnancy then consider counselling after as you may start feeling guilt and will need help and support through it.

I agree with MummyandSon17.

I also went into parenthood as a single parent. People rallied, there was help and support.

But I’ve made the other decision too.

Both were the right thing for me. This is one decision which you must make for you. Ultimately it is only you who has to live with it.

Hi, I haven't read all the replies. I have been in a similar situation in the past,
so really feel for you. If you went ahead with the abortion, would you be able to live with this guy and not resent him?
I agree with those people that said to do what YOU want and not him.
It is possible that he will come around after seeing scan, heart beat etc.
I wouldn't go to Marie Stops if you do go for termination - personal experience. They influenced my decision when I was very vulnerable and my capacity to consent was questionable. Sending you a hug. It's a really hard time for you

Nice to know there’s people here who think Aspergers is a) a mental health problem which would make someone a bad father, and b) so awful that you should abort over the possibility of it being passed on. Hang your heads in shame. The OP is in a relationship with someone with Aspergers, I think she is better qualified than any of you to understand that they have as much worth as any other person.

OP. There will never be a right time, all there is is now. You need to do what is right for you alone right now. You sound like you would regret an abortion more than you would regret a child to me, but only you can answer that.

@ViragoKnows. The Op has stated she doesn't think she can cope with a baby on her own. It's not wrong to state that a child with SEN is harder to look after. FWIW I think a couple actively trying for a baby who then aborts for Down syndrome/Turners syndrome deserve your vitriol,

Sorry, just seen this.

Slap I don’t have “vitriol” and im not interested in a debate anout down syndrome or abortion generally.

I was addressing your murderous hatred towards people with Aspergers.

@MNHQ why has this disability hatred from this nasty little inadequate ( @slappinthebass ) not been deleted? I don’t particularly appreciate this attitude towards my children being perpetrated.

Ladies I don’t think this arguing is helpful to the OP.

I've booked in for the abortion next week but cannot have surgical as hoped, as I'll be too far along by the time they can fit me in. I therefore have to go through the procedure I was dreading. I really don't want my partner there but I have no one else so I will have to have him there.
He has not mentioned anything at all since I checked his availability for taking me. Not even an 'are you doing ok?' He seems to think that I'm just going to get on with it and not be affected. There's just no empathy there at all. I know that in my previous 3 relationships if this had happened they would have stepped up and made it work. I'm very surprised and hurt by how easily he made his decision with no regard for what I want. When I stood up to him he turned on the waterworks.

@Bella245 - thanks for your message. Sorry you went through that with Marie Stopes.

I'm going directly through the local hospital as any other services are miles away and I can't access them easily. My experience so far has been mixed. The lady who did the scan was clearly against abortion and made me feel awful about my decision, leaving me crying uncontrollably in the corridor. The nurse who found me was excellent however and so were the advisors afterwards. I just hope all goes well next week when I'm scheduled to go in.

I'm so sorry you have to go through with this. You're doing what is best. The child would have a bad father who can't even support his partner through something as tough as this. He clearly lacks empathy. I do realize it may because of his aspergers.

Sometimes the hardest decision to make is overall the kindest.

I think you should leave him and find someone who can fully be there for you. Don't waste more time on him.

@slappinthebass - I can see your point about the ASD. My partner's mother is also clearly on the spectrum so my partner feels his Aspergers is either genetic or due to her being an older parent when he was born. He hasn't even told her he's been diagnosed so that she won't blame herself. They're both extremely high functioning which is a bonus.

His father walked out on the family and they haven't seen or heard from him since which I would have thought would make him more likely to step up to his responsibilities over this baby, but clearly not

Do you want to have the baby or not? It sounds like you've only booked the abortion because he wants it. The only reasons you've given for not being a lone parent yourself are logistical ones that could be sorted out. Are you doing what you want op?

@kenandbarbie - the logistics can only be sorted out if I quit my job which would then mean I cannot ever afford a child, or my home for that matter. I live in an area where decent jobs are rare so quitting my job which has a 5hr per day commute isn't an option. I need a partner to share the load and if he's not willing to be part of that then as much as I want the baby, it's not for the best to have it.
I've been working away from home all week so lugging suitcases around and running through train stations has made me realise he may be right about my job being too difficult for us to work around combined with his 12hr shifts.
I do feel that I'm doing what he wants rather than what I want - but it doesn't seem like there's any other realist option.

As long as you are making the decision for you, not because you don't have his support.

Could you rent a flat nearer your job and rent out your existing house? Apply for jobs in other areas?

The good counsel network helps women who want to have their baby but have very little support. They have helped women who are in the UK illegally, have no where to live, have abusive partners etc. Maybe they can help you too if you reach out to them? www.goodcounselnet.co.uk
You are clearly saying you want to have your baby. But the pressure your partner if putting you under is just awful. I wish you strength and courage.

I think this is on my list of saddest threads I have read . I suspect you will have the abortion ( which if that is what you wanted would have not an issue with ) but nowhere have I read in this thread this is what you want .

Can I ask you to think about how you would feel if you decided to keep the baby.

I do think regardless your relationship is damaged so please don’t do this just to keep the relationship .

Do know he will never want a baby in the future.

Do go for counselling and tell them all your thoughts

I wish you luck

So many posts telling you to do what is best for YOU and to do what YOU want. If I were you I would concerntrate on thinking about what’s best for your future child (either from this pregnancy or from a future one).

Personally I’d be more inclined to terminate this pregnancy and then have a think about what you want for yourself and what you want for any future child. It doesn’t sound like you can stay with your partner and have a baby.

I KNOW it’s not easy or straightforward but might you consider having a baby on your own in future. There are a few Mumsnetters who have chosen to do this. It’s not a simple option but I wonder if it’s better for a child to have one parent than having two parents one of which didn’t want them. (Sorry if I’ve explained that badly)

I know lots of separated parents raise their children brilliantly and that their children can be as happy and healthy as any other child but raising kids is difficult and I’m not sure I’d purposely want to raise a child with someone who didn’t want the child and who I had only been dating 8 months. If you go through with the pregnancy then what happens if you and your partners relationship becomes acrimonious? Do you really want to share raising a child with someone who resents you and, possibly, the child too. Think about how it might be sharing parenting with him?

I understand that the desire to have a child can override everything but you really need to think things through from a child’s perspective. This isn’t about ‘you having a baby’.

@kenandbarbie unfortunately the rent in the city would be double what I would get renting my house out and I can't afford to buy in the city if I sold up either. In a couple of years my job will move slightly closer so I might save a couple of hours a day of the commute. Maybe this would be a better time to think about family but it's unlikely to happen, sadly.

Op, this is clearly a really tough time for you but please at least go to counseling before going through with this abortion. Do this for you. I am concerned that you seem to be talking as if your relationship with your partner is something that is going to continue talking about 'us' etc, i agree with other posters that you come across as wanting this baby. If you terminate this pregnancy your relationship will not survive because he has pushed you into it and you will resent him for the rest of your life. You need to think about the practicalities of living without him whatever you choose. This isn't a situation where you no longer being pregnant fixes anything. So sorry you are going through this, and I don't mean to sound harsh, please seek outside help before you do anything you can't take back.

@Yohooo thank you for your post. I feel that you understand where I'm coming from and that what is best for the baby is more important than what's good for me.

I wouldn't be interested in having a baby alone. I've always wanted to do it with a partner who feels the same way as I do. Also, i come from a broken home and it was a horrible thing to go through as my parents truly hated each other so I was very aware of the the effects it had on me growing up. I feel that if my partner isn't bothered about the baby now, he certainly wouldn't be if we broke up. I very much doubt he would be as fantastic as my own dad was/is.

OP, please access some counselling prior to going through with this. It should be offered to you anyway. It will help you process your thoughts and then make your decision (whether that is to abort or not) much easier to deal with down the line.
I too feel sad reading your thread. I really hope my suspicion (ie that your dp is saying anything right now to get you to abort and get himself off the hook) does not turn out to be correct. I think if your relationship means anything to you and you want that to survive this then you should also access urgent counselling tomorrow/ early next week. The abortion can wait a week or two- the decision is irreversible and you do not convince me that you have made it freely.

It’s a shame you have no friends or family to talk this through with. It’s such a difficult thing to work out as there isn’t a right answer and having to make the decision quickly can’t help.

Good luck with whatever decision you make. At some point you just have to make a decision and go for it. You can run this all around in your head forever but I’m not sure it will make things any clearer. It’s a very difficult decision.