Abortion - I'm not sure it's the right thing

[whatamidoingwithmylife]

I'm 10wks pregnant and considering abortion. I've only been with my partner for around 8mths and he's never wanted children (I've always thought it unlikely I would have any either).
We've found ourselves in this situation and he's been very clear that he wants me to terminate. I was in full agreement at the start as I had been taking medication that could potentially cause birth defects - this now seems unlikely to have caused issues in this pregnancy.
I really feel that I would like to carry on with the pregnancy but can't do it alone. My partner would support that decision the best he could but I know he'd forever resent me for keeping it. I feel that I would resent him if I terminate as I'm almost 35 so waiting a few years to try again as he's suggested could be possible, doesn't really seem an option as I'll be too old. He's only 29 and is in a less stable point in his life than I am.
Although he's not being pushy, he's very clear on his decision.
I've had my first appointment to discuss termination at the hospital and was so distressed they had to put me in a room to cry it out as I was in too much of a state to continue discussions or book the surgery.
Has anyone been in a similar situation that could give me any advice?
My partner has Aspergers so really doesn't understand why I'm so upset all the time and can't make my mind up.

OliveSeaTurtle - thanks for your comments. Unfortunately I cannot use most methods of contraception. I'm allergic to the pill (including the morning after pill ), implant, the coil with hormones etc. I also can't have the copper coil due to having heavy, painful periods as the doctor told me it will make them worse. I've had issues with the termination process over this as they try to force you onto one of these methods of contraception.

Thanks for sharing your positive story and although I know this is going to be hard on me, it's probably a lot easier than bringing up a child with a father that is either not interested or has been dragged into it unwillingly.
I feel sad that my previous relationship ended because we weren't at the same place in life - and now it seems this guy is even further behind me.

CryptoFascist - I agree it makes no sense.
He's playing it as if I'm the love of his life and suddenly his choices have been reassessed because he's met someone totally different from what he expected. (This did actually happen to me though with my ex. I 100% did not want children until I met him and changed my mind to a maybe).

In reality he knows that I wouldn't plan a pregnancy because I've never been desperate to be a mother. I just don't think either of us expected me to get so attached to this baby.
It's likely he's hoping I'll get too old to have one or change my mind when the time comes. He was told by the doctor that his Aspergers is likely caused by his mum being older when she got pregnant with him and I think he'll use this as an excuse for us not planning a baby in a few years.

He's just sent me a text saying he wishes he could be at the right time and place in his life to make it work for us both, but he isn't and hopes I can forgive him.

I’m 37. My husband is well on his way to being infertile (so my situation certainly doesn’t match yours!). Having had difficulties conceiving, I know that I would have been very mentally uncomfortable for most of the process, had I aborted a baby at age 35.

At age 35, you are entering a time period in which it might still be very easy to conceive (for some it is), or it might become increasingly difficult. I think that my mother was 45 when she had her last, and we’d have heard about it if she’d had any problems conceiving (she didn’t manage to conceive another one afterwards). Also, if you do split up because you have an abortion, are you guaranteed to find another partner in time to have another baby?

I agree that saying that a baby could be on the cards once you’ve done what you want to do is a bit suspicious. You’ll never have done what you want to do. DH and I need at least another 5 years to do what we want to do (in a way, our fertility challenges were a blessing! 15 extra months to try to sort out our lives! Bonus!), and I think that it is the same for many people. There is never a right time to have a baby.

I feel like if I were in your situation (I understand that this is very much not my situation, and would advise you not to go with this if it doesn’t feel right), I would right now probably be deciding to keep the baby, and hoping that he comes round. I would adopt a very gentle approach, and try to keep from putting him on the spot for a little while, to see if he comes round. (How long is a little while? I’m afraid that I don’t know. Definitely at least a few more days, but it might be weeks?) When it came to having another proper discussion about it, I’d probably be apologetic - “I love you, and can totally see us having a future together. But I don’t feel that aborting this baby is the right thing for me to do. Obviously I would like us to raise this baby together, but I understand that it isn’t something that you have said that you want to do right now. If you need to end this relationship, I will be very upset, but I understand. But I have made my decision to keep the baby.” Or something?

This doesn’t take into account your lack of support. You can totally bring up a baby without much support, but it is very difficult. I very much understand the lack of close friends - I’m not a person who makes friends easily. It seems that this really isn’t the best time to have a baby. But it is never the best time to have a baby. It’s something that you need to balance.

Some actual useful advice - get some counselling. I don’t know where the best place would be, but can you look at your local abortion place, or ask through your GP? Someone trained in helping people to make these decisions should be an excellent sounding board for you. Whether or not you decide to keep the baby, getting counselling should help you. You might want to ask that counsellor for a recommendation for a longer-term counsellor, to give you a few sessions to help you to deal with the fallout of whatever decision you make.

I wish you the best of luck. It is a horrendous decision to have to make. Sending you the biggest of hugs, and the kindest of wishes.

It sounds like you guys have quite a strong relationship. Are you absolutely sure he wouldn’t come around to the idea at all? Could you really not get through this?

He has said that it’s something he could foresee happening in the future. As @botanica said, you can’t assume that you will still be fertile in a few years. You really need to get that across to him. His set plan of “maybe in a few years” isn’t necessarily realistic.

If I were in your position I would work on talking through the positives with him, how it could be possible to get through it together. It sounds like you both have potential.

I wouldn’t have a termination. Whilst I am pro-choice, the idea of going through a termination myself would upset me so much. Having the child and putting them up for adoption is more preferable to me than a termination. Have you considered that option?

Spargle - thank you for your kind words.

To be honest I'm surprised I got pregnant as I've had no end of issues with hormones etc and had assumed I was likely to be infertile. Knowing I'm not has helped to change my decisions in the future as if I'd been infertile I would have been happy to live a childless life. Knowing I'm not means I could actually plan a family in the near future if my fertility doesn't fall off a cliff like it's portrayed to when you're over 35. Most of my relatives have had children at a similar age or later and appear to have had no issues - but that doesn't mean I can. I think it's very unlikely that I would meet anyone else in the timeframe that I would be happy to start a family with. I wish I hadn't spent so many years in an unhappy marriage that I gave up my chances to meet the right person in time.
Since then all I've met are people who enjoy wasting my time.

I don't think my partner would leave me if I kept the baby but I don't want to put him under a lot of pressure to stay. He do 'the right thing' which would likely make both of us regretful. His new job requires 2yrs probation period and he's only a year in. The way he spoke about it with me yesterday made it sound like he's not doing as well as he'd led me to believe. He's very worried that we wouldn't be able to afford the baby especially if he lost the job when it's reviewed. He is worried I wouldn't cope as my commute to work is 5hrs a day (when it goes well) which is basically like having a second job.

I'd like to speak to someone about counselling but I can't take time off work to do it and I only have 2wks left to be able to have the surgical termination I'd prefer.

Honestly? I would keep your baby. I'm pro choice but you don't sound like someone who wants an abortion.
In reality, this is likely to be your last chance. I would grab it with both hands.
My friend was In a similar situation to you. She and her boyfriend broke up during the pregnancy but when he saw the baby his views changed. He fell in love with the baby, who looked just like him. Her parents softened too and are now doting grandparents.
But even if they hadn't, she would have managed.
Doing it alone isn't easy but you'll surprise yourself.
Don't be pushed into doing something you may regret. Big hug to you. You can do this!

reeny19 - I've laid out to him that this is likely my only chance to have a baby and he didn't interact about it at all. He said he was sorry if he sounds harsh but he isn't at the right time or place to make this work for us but he wishes he was. He isn't going to change his mind about termination being the right option for him. I've tried to counter his concerns over my job being too much with a baby but he ignored it. He's coming over this morning after his night shift so maybe he'll discuss it further with me.
I don't feel like I want to discuss much with him though knowing his mind is made up and won't change.

Like you, I'm completely pro-choice. I believe if a situation isn't right, the baby is best off being terminated rather than not receiving all the love and care it needs. But I'm struggling more with the choice than I ever thought I would. I didn't have a good/easy upbringing myself and although I know I'd do better than my own mum, I don't want to cause lasting effects like those I have had to deal with.

Op.

Your partner will not ever plan a baby again.

The financial aspects can sort themselves out . Very few on paper can actually afford a baby but it does change your life.

You need to decide if you want this baby ( which your post comes across that you do )
Then work out the logistics. If you want this baby and abort I have little doubt your relationship won’t last.
For him the aspbergers and not carrying the baby makes it far easier to be detached than it is for you.

Do not allow yourself to be forced into something that you can never undo. Your posts are screaming that you want to keep this baby.

Can you speak to a counsellor? Someone neutral who can help you to make sense of your conflicting emotions?

He is saying those things about children in the future to manipulate you into aborting. Too scared to have a vasectomy which is a simple op but happy to see you have an abortion fgs.

I am pro choice but I am not pro women being pressured into abortion by men. You sound like you want to keep the baby so I would keep it and he can make his own choices. It will be hard but you will cope because that is what parents do.

I’m pro choice. But this is your choice and it sounds like you’re letting him make it and going against your own preferences.

Take him out of the equation. From the sounds of it you haven’t been together long, he’s trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants and the relationship isn’t likely to survive whatever decision you make.

If you keep the baby you will cope. If you abort you will cope. If you carry to term and have the baby adopted you will cope.

So pick the best option for you.

He is saying those things about children in the future to manipulate you into aborting. Too scared to have a vasectomy which is a simple op but happy to see you have an abortion fgs.

This is spot on!!

To be honest, your relationship is likely over either way. From what you've said, I think you'll end up leaving him if you do have an abortion as you clearly don't want it and he seems to be trying to manipulate you into it. In the cold light of day that's going to kill the relationship.

So, it's (likely) a choice between single and a baby, or single and no baby.

The relationship will probably drag on for a few years as he strings you along with promises of trying again when he's "ready" (spoiler - he never will be, at least not with you) so don't bank on being in a position to conceive in the future.

Hi OP, I have read your updates and I really feel for you. It is such a hard decision. I know women who have had abortions and not looked back, but I also know women who have instantly regretted it (inc one who never managed to get pregnant again and she became really really bitter).

There are so many 'what ifs'. And what your boyfriend is saying to you, has been said so many times before. I agree he is trying to influence you with the promises of a future. He doesn't know how he will feel. Because none of us do, before we become parents, no matter how informed we think we are. Try not to base your decision on how you think he will feel, because as you are experiencing, these babies (even when so tiny!) are game changers.

When you become a parent, you will very likely meet many more parents, esp new ones like you. Some of my strongest friendships are from this time! It's highly unlikely that you will end up alone.

Listen to your gut instinct, not all the noise from the outside world. Xxx

OP your partner does not want a baby, ever. You're in mid-thirties, not a teenager. It makes no sense to abort a baby with the 'try again in a few years' promise, fully knowing you might never get the chance to be a parent. So if you are now thinking that this is what you want, you need to consider that it might then never happen.

I don’t have any advice as such, I just wanted to say I’m thinking about you! It sounds like a horrible and emotional time for you - please don’t be rushed into making a decision that isn’t right for you.

I’m pregnant with my first atm. For the longest time I wasn’t really sure if I wanted a baby, but as soon as I found out I was pregnant the first time I wouldn’t have changed it - sadly that ended in an MMC but then I knew I wanted to try for another.

I’m totally pro-choice - the choice being what is right for you. Your partner also has a choice to be involved or not, with either a pregnancy or a termination. Could you maybe speak to your GP? Perhaps a professional ear might give you some more support x

I personally think you should have an abortion. I'm thinking from the kid's pov, having a dad that doesn't want them and has mental health issues

Oops didn't finish my sentence. I think it'll be tough on the kid. So I think you should leave him, have the abortion and perhaps find another man or use a sperm donor. Because I don't think it's good for the kid to be brought up in this situation. Even if you'd be a great mum. Perhaps it's better to try a donor if you feel like time is running out.

If you found out eight weeks ago you are possibly more like 12 weeks pregnant not 10, pregnancy is counted from the first day of your last period (weirdly). Sorry if Ive misunderstood!

Only mention it just that it might be a factor in terms of the time you have to decide, and how you'd get the abortion, e.g. what the cut off is for pill vs. procedure and permissible time limit overall. Sorry if I've misunderstood.

Like others have said it doesn't sound like you want to abort. It's a really difficult situation and I hope you can talk it through with an objective counsellor. Of course your partner's feelings are important but the decision is absolutely yours to make. I agree with others who say there are always "what ifs" and even a planned pregnancy can be scary when it happens. xxx

Some of these comments are hilarious.

Sounds like you want to keep the baby, so keep the baby! Don't kill your baby because of a potentially dead beat dad! I've seen men come around after wanting an abortion initially...so don't worry about it.

Trust me after just giving birth I've realised that it's the mum that does 99% of the work anyway, you can do this! X

You’re 35: it’s possible that if you have a termination you won’t be able to have biological DC in the future, should you want to. You say you didn’t envisage having DC, so that might be fine.

The relationship will probably end whatever you decide. Your boyfriend is much younger than you so and doesn’t sound like a keeper. So should you have a DC you’d most likely be a single parent.

Totally disagree that should you decide to have a DC you wouldn’t expect him to pay maintenance and be an active parent. You would BOTH become parents. If he’s a decent person he’d be an active father. Men who walk away from their DC are despicable. It would also be very unfair of you - on your future DC - to suggest to him that this would be OK. You’d be enabling your bf’s selfishness and negligence over your DC.

A friend of a friend became a father after a one night stand with a woman in Australia. He emigrated to be a father! They co parented and eventually shared residency of the DC, both he and the mother of the DC found good new relationships.

Another slept with an ex, regarding this as a mistake. soon after moved three hours away. He had started a new relationship. He pays maintenance and has very regular contact with his DC, mainly travelling to his ex’s new town.

Decent blokes who have DC in less than ideal circumstances work hard to be decent fathers.

Hi
I was in SAME situation 3yrs ago.
When I got pregnant his first words were "it's not mine". He panicked. He didn't want this baby. I was crying. I wasn't sure what I want , he was sure he doesn't... but said it's my decision. I had no idea what to do. I was 29 then, living abroad, i knew I won't be able to do it on my own and he'll be blaming me for "ruining" our lives. I also knew I'll be blaming him that he pushed me to get rid of it... I've decided to have abortion.
I regret this decision till today. I'm trying to get pregnant now, and today I woke up ... again! being pregnant with blood... I'm just waiting for that miscarriage to happen. And who knows? Maybe that first one would be my baby now ?
Until today I'm blaming him for that abortion, but he's saying it was my decision.
No.
It wasn't.

Don't think about him. If you can do it by yourself or not.
Just think- do i want this baby? If yes. You know what to do. If no- same. But it has to be only your decision.
Good luck 🤞

He is probably aware that he will have a financial responsibility if you keep the baby. He isn't thinking about you or the baby, just his own interests.
Don't let him push you into making a decision you can't reverse.

The truth is, there's never a right time to have a baby.
Yes baby's are expensive but many are brought up on small wages.
You can be a single mother with minimal support.
Other things can change, job etc.
I'm pro choice also but I think you want this baby.
The question is, do you want your baby? All the other stuff, finances, job, relationship etc will sort themselves out after although agree with PP your relationship is likely to be over either way.