Abortion - I'm not sure it's the right thing

[whatamidoingwithmylife]

I'm 10wks pregnant and considering abortion. I've only been with my partner for around 8mths and he's never wanted children (I've always thought it unlikely I would have any either).
We've found ourselves in this situation and he's been very clear that he wants me to terminate. I was in full agreement at the start as I had been taking medication that could potentially cause birth defects - this now seems unlikely to have caused issues in this pregnancy.
I really feel that I would like to carry on with the pregnancy but can't do it alone. My partner would support that decision the best he could but I know he'd forever resent me for keeping it. I feel that I would resent him if I terminate as I'm almost 35 so waiting a few years to try again as he's suggested could be possible, doesn't really seem an option as I'll be too old. He's only 29 and is in a less stable point in his life than I am.
Although he's not being pushy, he's very clear on his decision.
I've had my first appointment to discuss termination at the hospital and was so distressed they had to put me in a room to cry it out as I was in too much of a state to continue discussions or book the surgery.
Has anyone been in a similar situation that could give me any advice?
My partner has Aspergers so really doesn't understand why I'm so upset all the time and can't make my mind up.

Hi OP

As many PP have posted their stories of abortion (I’m pro choice too) I had an abortion almost 7 and half years ago, me and DP had only been together for a few months so it was a shock. We decided we weren’t at the right stage in life and tbh I was very selfish & immature (I was 19) so we decided to have an abortion. At the time, we both regretted it after but never spoke about it..(unusual for us really)

This then affected me later down the line, I was of course upset at first but I become numb. Around 2 years ago I was in a disciplinary meeting at work (I work in HR) And the lady in this meeting had went through an abortion and burst into tears she was a similar age to me. While her manager went and got some tissues, I levelled with her as she was embarrassed to say what she’d done. (We didn’t go into full details) I briefly told her I understood as I’d went through this. I ended up messaging her on FB (unprofessional I know) but I couldn’t get it out of my head, I just wanted to know if she was okay and if I could help in anyway. We are actually friends now.

It broke my heart hearing her say them words and being soo upset that it triggered my experience back when I was 19. I had to have counselling (I didn’t realise at the time it was this but once I got speaking it quickly become apparent I numbed myself of the pain)

It was the right decision I made, despite the regrets me and DP had. It was the right choice. If you go through with it make sure you understand what’s fully involved - I was very naive and it affected me further down the line because of that. Your posting doesn’t scream to me as somebody who wants to go through with this & above all you need to make sure that’s what you want otherwise you’ll resent your DP.

I’m all for the comment too which says women should be able to talk about this freely which is sooo true! I for years wouldn’t admit what I’d done even though it was the right decision for me and I’ve always been pro choice. You are made to feel like it’s a dirty secret as somebody mentioned. I was scared to talk because you’re made to feel guilty which was exactly what I felt - it’s completely wrong.

OP, I do hope you find the solution you need & hope everything works out for you either way

Ultimately the only person who has to live with this decision is you. You must put yourself in the centre of this.

I’ve done both. I know I wouldn’t have the family I have if I had gone through with my first PG. for my second I was a single parent. I know, with hindsight, that both were the right decision. It must have been 20 years ago and I still think about the what ifs of PG1, it hasn’t gone away completely. But I look at DS1 and can reconcile it.

You simply have to do this for you. Everything else, whichever way you go, will work out. Good luck x

It's such a difficult situation and I'm so sorry you're stuck in this place. In your position, I don't think I could have this baby (the pressure of knowing I'd likely be raising the child in difficult circumstances and alone, plus the father not wanting to be one) but I would also end the relationship. I think if anything, this has shown you have different wants from life and I wouldn't stay holding out hope that he'd change. The family you want to have one day could be out there but I don't think it's with him. But that's just my thoughts and I hope for the best possible outcome for you all

When you say this;

I believe his attitude was quite cavalier at times and he should have been more aware of his actions in the past when he got 'carried away' hmm on occasion.

Are you alluding to something non consensual there? Or do you mean that he told you he would pull out and he didn’t? Which is still not ok, in most circumstances...

natalie3322 - thanks for sharing your story.
When you said it wasn't actually your decision, but his - this is how I feel. I will be completing his decision and not my own.
But I'm starting to feel more and more that he wouldn't be the person I want as a father to my baby - he's a fantastic person but I want someone who is equally happy to go through with this together.

He's more bothered about whether I'm going to end the relationship and it's all he can think about. He's spoken about quitting his band and being more responsible with money so we can get through this pregnancy together but then changed his mind and decided 100% that he wants me to have a termination.

Good luck in the future and with your pregnancy.

Bellatrix14 - no there was nothing non-consensual. I just meant that there's no such thing as getting so carried away you don't think about contraception when you always use condoms together. He chose to be risky early in the relationship and yet freaks out when the inevitable happens.
At the time I got pregnant he was being extra careful with contraception as he didn't want any accidents so it's quite ironic that it happened at this point.

We're both very focussed on having plans (this is made worse by his Aspergers) so because this doesn't fit into his set plan it cannot go ahead in his opinion.

The Aspergers is key. You need to make and announce your decision and when that is now “the plan” that will become a lot less uncomfortable for him than the current uncertainty. Aspies can adjust to definite changes of plan, but it’s easier if there’s no uncertainty.

Similarly, if tou go ahead, don’t announce that you don’t expect him to be involved. That too will become “the plan”. The baby has a right to know its father if possible, he has rights and responsibilities towards his child and you deserve support in parenting. Just say that his involvement can be flexible according to what he finds comfortable, but the baby needs to know its father: You can revisit this periodically.

You both had sex. One of the possible side effects of sex is babies. He doesn't have a get out of jail free card here.

DavedeeDozyBeakyMickandTich - thank you for your opinion.
Yes I think it has brought up the differences between us. I always thought his being younger could cause issues and clearly it has. It's not just age though - he feels that he hasn't achieved what he wants to achieve and hasn't had experiences he wants to complete before settling down with a family. I on the other hand did almost everything I wanted to do in a 15yr relationship/marriage and my current partner has admitted to being jealous of what I've done during my life. I feel that if I bumped into him in 5yrs he still won't have done these things he's so intent on doing as he's too chicken to do them alone and needs me there to hold his hand throughout. We're clearly at different points in life and I'm disappointed to find this out as my last two relationships have ended because I wasn't willing to wait for them to catch up to where I am in life. Now I've wasted time on someone even further behind than my ex-partners.

**You both had sex. One of the possible side effects of sex is babies. He doesn't have a get out of jail free card here.

^This. All. Day. Long.

And I don’t know that much about Aspergers but all sounds like good advice from @ViragoKnows.

I am really sorry that you’re in this really awful situation. I’m also completely pro-choice and I think that you’re probably right to consider all of your options under the circumstances.

It really sounds like you want to keep this baby. Have you tried writing down on paper all of your reasons to keep the baby or to go ahead with a termination? You possibly have already, but I just find it helps to make your options more clear, albeit I’ve never had to make this particular decision.

It seems to me that for most people it’s never the “perfect” time to have a child. I reckon very few people have every other part of their lives in perfect shape before having a child, I know I don’t, my parents didn’t having me, and any of my friends friends who’ve had babies so far have been unplanned. But it has worked out for all of them. Life doesn’t care what your plans are.

Good luck to you OP. I hope once you’ve made your decision either way that it brings you peace of mind. xx

Given your age and fertility problems this could well be your only chance to become a parent.

A five hour total faily commute to your job with a DC almost certainly wouldn’t be possible, even if you remained together. You’d need to move much closer to work.

I know it feels like a waste of time but it's really not - all experience in life is valuable even the painful ones. You will have learnt lessons that will prepare you for the future and enable you to make good decisions going forward.

If you decide to terminate, I would highly recommend having a little bit of counselling if you can to help you cope emotionally with the after affects. Please don't have a child just because this may be your 'last chance' you cannot possibly know that or what the future has in store. If you decide to continue the pregnancy, it's not all doom and gloom, if you truly feel this is the right thing to do, things have a way of working out. It will be hard work and stressful of course, there will be big change and upheaval, physical and emotional sacrifice, having a child always is like that even in the best circumstances!

I sincerely wish you the best in this.

Of course Op shouldn’t have a DC just because, should she terminate this pregnancy she may not, in future, be able to have a biological DC. But given her age, relationship situation (v likely to end) and suspected fertility issue it’s a likely scenario, to be considered in making the decision.

Pregnancy options counselling could help, and would be well worth taking time off work (eg a sick day) for.

It’s so true - it would be worth taking a day, or even two, off work to get some counselling about this. It’s such a big decision that you need to talk it through with someone if it is at all possible to do so.

Be kind to yourself. Sending more hugs

If being a single parent is more daunting to you a prospect than having an abortion, you have your answer. I wouldn’t be expecting the relationship to last long either way since there’ll inevitably be resentment on one side. Either you will resent him for pushing you towards the abortion or he will resent you for pushing him into fatherhood- there are no real winners here I’m afraid.

I spoke further with my partner and he's still adamant I should have a termination. He wants more job security first and also for us to live together (I don't think either of us want the risk of selling our properties to risk buying one together at this stage). He has told me he isn't against us having a child in future and that I was wrong to think that (he did specifically tell me he didn't want kids and is now denying he said it).
I have called the hospital to arrange a termination but haven't received a reply which is giving me even more time to worry about the decision I'm making. It doesn't help that I'm experiencing almost zero pregnancy symptoms so it doesn't even feel like I'm pregnant - maybe if I was having a difficult first trimester it would help me make a decision.

But what do you want to do OP?

Do what YOU want to do Op not what he wants.
A close relative of mine had an abortion and really regretted it afterwards she suffered alot with her decision.
You must be 100 percent sure.

It seems you don't want to do this. Please don't do it! The regret afterwards will be a feeling you'll never be able to shake. I say this because you've stated you want this baby. How can your partner guarantee he will want kids in the future? what if he never achieves the things he wants to achieve?

You're making a decision based on someone else's feelings...But this is a decision you can't go back on...

Have you considered the fact your partner is emotionally blackmailing you? He stated he does not want kids but now apparently he wants you to be living together, more financially stable etc first. I think he is blowing smoke up your ass so you have the termination.

Think of it from all angles. I do not in all honesty think he is going to be there for you after the termination. No matter what you do you will be alone once a decision has been made. Make that decision carefully.

People can live in flats they don’t personally own. Or not.

Forget what he wants for a moment and just think about what you want.

He owns his own property? Doesn’t sound like he’s doing too badly OP! You could both live in one property and rent the other which would provide additional income and remove some of the financial strain?

As another poster said above and as you said yourself already, he seems to need you to hold his hand to do everything so he may never achieve whatever it is that he wants to achieve before having a family. I would ideally have been a bit further up the ladder before I got pregnant but I’m 34 and I didn’t want to wait any longer in case I had trouble conceiving. You’re in the same boat. If he doesn’t want this baby but says he will want one in the future.. when do you think that will be? Doesn’t sound like it will be in the next 12 months, I’d say he’s thinking more like 5 years, which is fine for him but you’ll be 40. I think it’s extremely unlikely that your relationship will survive that long if you go through with a termination that you do not want.

I’m really sorry OP but I agree with what others have said above.. I think he’s manipulating you into doing what he wants.

Yeah that's great for him, we know all about what he wants for your body. But it's not about him OP. It's about YOU and YOUR body and what YOU want.

What do YOU want OP?

Can I just point out that the aspergers should factor in to your decision. I was a lone parent to a child with ASD and it was 1000 x harder than single parenting a NT child. ASD is genetic. But also, the chances of conceiving a child with ASD rise with age for both parents so the risk will be higher if you wait, and the risk is also there that you will have an autistic child with no support from him if you continue the pregnancy. I hate to be all doom and gloom about it, but parenting with someone with aspergers is often very hard. Already you are not receiving the emotional support you need.

Again, suggest seeking pregnancy advice services

You can do this on your own OP. You really don't need him. Please don't do something you'll later regret. It's closing a door you may never be able to re-open.