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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Abortion - I'm not sure it's the right thing

179 replies

whatamidoingwithmylife · 07/12/2018 21:58

I'm 10wks pregnant and considering abortion. I've only been with my partner for around 8mths and he's never wanted children (I've always thought it unlikely I would have any either).
We've found ourselves in this situation and he's been very clear that he wants me to terminate. I was in full agreement at the start as I had been taking medication that could potentially cause birth defects - this now seems unlikely to have caused issues in this pregnancy.
I really feel that I would like to carry on with the pregnancy but can't do it alone. My partner would support that decision the best he could but I know he'd forever resent me for keeping it. I feel that I would resent him if I terminate as I'm almost 35 so waiting a few years to try again as he's suggested could be possible, doesn't really seem an option as I'll be too old. He's only 29 and is in a less stable point in his life than I am.
Although he's not being pushy, he's very clear on his decision.
I've had my first appointment to discuss termination at the hospital and was so distressed they had to put me in a room to cry it out as I was in too much of a state to continue discussions or book the surgery.
Has anyone been in a similar situation that could give me any advice?
My partner has Aspergers so really doesn't understand why I'm so upset all the time and can't make my mind up.

OP posts:
MamaHechtick · 14/12/2018 01:22

I was in this situation with my now husband.
We aborted our first child. Almost identical to you I was far too upset at the first appointment and was sent home to think about it. He absolutely didn't want a baby, and similar he would say it wasn't the right time etc etc. I had the abortion and it took a lot out of me. I still think of our first child and the anniversary of the abortion is one of the worst days even now.
I became pregnant almost a year after the abortion, I had the coil! It was fitted during the termination. This time I said there was no way I was going through that again. We still didn't have a great deal of money, our flat was a studio flat, and tiny, but we made it work.
I don't really have any advice, just that I understand. Also I thought we'd be finished after the termination but we now have two children since then. Life is full of what ifs and I don't know what life would have been if I had our first child, as another poster said I don't regret it but I think about that child every day.

I really wish you all the best, and I hope that your decision is exactly that, yours. Be thinking of you.

GabbyGal · 14/12/2018 10:14

Best of luck OP, you’ve clearly thought this through and haven’t made the decision lightly. I hope this really is the best decision for you and that everything works out.

Your partner is entitled to not want a baby, but the lack of compassion and support he’s shown you is unforgivable in my opinion, you deserve so much better than that.

Take care of yourself xx

ViragoKnows · 14/12/2018 11:15

Whatever you do in the end, give yourself permission to let it go afterwards x

mrsgumpy · 15/12/2018 02:29

I just went through this with my DH. I had an abortion two weeks ago. I was 14 weeks pregnant. My husband didn't want it - told me it would ruin our lives, his mental health, and our existing children's wellbeing. I wanted to keep it but decided to abort as I couldn't have a third child without his support. It was five weeks of fighting with him that lead to the termination and I was exhausted by the end. I am now completely devastated and wish I had been stronger and stood up to him more. I found the termination traumatic and I really struggling now. This is not to say having a third would have been easier (without a supportive husband I am not sure it would have) but I am conscious that my DH gets to go on with his life happily while I bear all the emotional toll and trauma from the termination. I feel deeply sad and also angry at him. I am not sure our relationship will recover. I wish I had known all this before I terminated.
I am not sure if any of this is helpful - I am sorry if it has upset you more - but don't have a termination in order to please your partner or to keep him. If you don't think you can raise a child on your own, that is a good reason to have a termination, but don't have one if you think your relationship will just continue on as before afterwards.
Good luck. xxxxxxxx

whatamidoingwithmylife · 15/12/2018 08:29

@mrsgumpy - I'm so sorry to hear your story. I completely understand as I feel exactly as you do - that my partner gets to go in with life as if this never happened while we bear all the strain.

I spoke with my partner a couple of days ago to make him realise just what he's putting me through and how I feel about him making the decision for me while I don't really have a say. I admitted that I don't want him at the abortion but have no choice as I have no one else I can take. He said my words were deeply hurtful and turned on the waterworks. Not once did he try to comfort me yet expected me to hold him while he cried about how bad the decision makes him feel 🙄. I feel he's callous and doesn't truly understand what I have to go through to enable his life to continue as normal. As soon as my termination takes place on Wednesday his life goes back to normal while mine is potentially ruined.

I hope you manage to get through the heartbreak and can eventually move past it.

OP posts:
MamaDane · 15/12/2018 10:02

He seems like an actual narcissist.

Stufftheturkeysholewithholly · 15/12/2018 14:56

I think you need to stop calling him 'your partner'. He has not, is not and never will support you in anything. He sounds like a selfish git. Not only is he practically forcing this termination but now making it all about him too. No thought for you, no thought for what you have to go through and certainly no thought for what is inside of you. I do hope that you get rid of him asap because you deserve a nicer man who will take care of you and understand you, not some childish selfish excuse of a boy who only has his own interests at heart.

user1457017537 · 15/12/2018 14:59

Why would you go ahead with this if you really don’t want to. Just say no

WhippettyWeekend · 15/12/2018 15:08

OP, I'm so sorry to read what you are having to go through at the moment. If you feel like you want a bit more time to think everything through, how would you feel about postponing your appointment slightly? If I read correctly, you can't have the type of procedure you'd hoped to as you'd already be too far along for it by the time they fit you in. In that sense, could you give it a little longer?

You are evidently a very kind and thoughtful person and, to be honest, I think you are wasted on your DP.

If you decide that you can't have this baby for the reasons you've mentioned, but this experience has made you realise you do want the chance to have a child, I'd ditch the DP and take steps to make that more likely! I agree with PPs that he's not going to change his mind on this matter, regardless of what he's saying now to try and keep you. In fact, based on what you've written I really think you might be much happier without him, child or not. I can imagine it is quite eye-opening to see what his reaction to your pregnancy has been, and perhaps you will feel you can't look at him the same way anymore.

It would clearly be exceptionally difficult for you to have the baby alone lack of nearby or family support, the issue of your commute, etc and you also say you had always decided you would not bring up a baby alone, based on your own experiences growing up. Just to say, don't feel you have to stick to a theoretical decision you made before. You are pregnant now, and say this may well be the only opportunity you will get to have a baby. If your previous thinking still holds true that's fine, but it's also ok to say, "I know I said I'd never do this, but now I'm in the situation I feel differently..." And if you were split up before the baby arrived, it wouldn't have had to deal with a break-up or be a child from a broken home in the same sense: its home would always have been with you. Or, supposing you did not break up now but did further down the line, you would be extra mindful of not making your child go through the same things you did (being party to parents' hatred of one another). There's a website and charity called "Gingerbread" which I found helpful for working through issues likely to come up as a single parent.

And ultimately there would be ways to make it work alone: for instance, you could quit your job after going on maternity leave, relocate to a cheaper city where there would be better job prospects without the commute but with affordable rent, go to university and retrain. Maternity Allowance/Pay and possibly Universal Credit would be enough to scrape by on. At least it would be something you might want to look into. Granted, it would be a matter of uprooting your entire life and expectations for the sake of this baby, but if you have decided you want this baby (or even that you just don't want to not have it) that's reason enough.

I left my (abusive) ex during my pregnancy, moved to the other side of the country soon after baby was born, quit job etc, and am so relieved I have kept the baby. For me, it's been harder than I could have imagined but worth it a thousand times over.

This isn't meaning to persuade you to keep the baby, though. Just to give yourself time to think, and suggesting that there might be workable ways to keep the baby if you feel overall that's what you'd rather do, and that if you can give yourself enough time to think first then I hope you'll feel more at peace in years to come that whichever decision you did make was the right one for you.

coco91 · 16/12/2018 17:02

Totally your decision - and I really do understand how hard it is.
I got pregnant (unplanned) at 19 years old with a boyfriend who was much older and did not want children or anything to do with them.
I was very ill with HG and made the hard decision to terminate at 10 weeks.
I am 27 now and know this was the right thing for me to do. It was very difficult and I struggled with it for a while. But you have to do what is right for YOU, nobody else's opinion matters.
Whatever decision you make, own it and stick with it. Everything in life happens for a reason and I firmly believe that I went through that difficult time then so that I can really appreciate what I have now.
Best of luck x

mrsgumpy · 17/12/2018 02:05

One thing to bear in mind is that if you are making the decision because of your partner, you might feel quite traumatised afterwards. Of course not everyone feels trauma, but I certain did (and still do) and wish people had warned me. The grief has been almost unbearable. I do hope you don't go through that.

Merrydoula · 17/12/2018 12:41

I worry for you! The regret is something you'll never be able to shake for the rest of you're life, when that partner of yours is long gone!

Namenic · 17/12/2018 12:59

Is adoption a possibility? I’m so sorry for all the diifculties you’re going through. It is a very hard decision.

whatamidoingwithmylife · 17/12/2018 18:20

I attended my first appointment today to take the first tablet.

I was disappointed that the 'counselling' the NHS advertises they offer is actually just a leaflet that tells you about the tablet they give you being unlicensed for termination and that it may give you some side effects. That is the entirety of the counselling Shock.

I was keeping my emotions in check until being asked to sign a form allowing them to cut up the foetus to put into slides and then the rest will be cremated. I didn't expect that they would state where this would take place and where the ashes would be scattered. It really hit me when I had to sign as the parent of the deceased child. It's something I really didn't expect and maybe they should warn people of this form.

I'm not as upset as I thought I would be based on the first time I was there to make the decision. I don't think I'll stay strong for the final appointment in two days time though.

OP posts:
Figgygal · 17/12/2018 18:31

I'm sorry to hear you've gone ahead with it without it truly being what you wanted

I would definitely re-evaluate what you want from life and from your relationship I think that maybe a natural consequence of what you're going through anyway

Was he supportive in anyway today ?

WhippettyWeekend · 17/12/2018 18:33

Thinking of you OP and I am so sorry the counselling beforehand is not what you had hoped it would be.

(I do know someone who changed her mind after taking the first tablet, refused the second and went on to have a healthy child, in case you are having second thoughts at this stage.)

WhippettyWeekend · 17/12/2018 18:44

Meant to put “counselling” in inverted commas. It certainly wasn’t actual counselling you got Flowers

anniehm · 17/12/2018 18:53

It really is your choice. Nobody will judge you whatever you decide. I would say that in your circumstances I would think about are you prepared to raise the child alone if he isn't able to play a significant role in your lives. Nobody can know how you feel.

Kemer2018 · 17/12/2018 19:03

Have a read of that thread on here about being married to Aspergers men.
It's an eye opener.
Then consider whether you are able to raise a child alone.
It's unlikely to be a happy ending if you expect his involvement.

morethanafuckingbleeder · 17/12/2018 19:18

This is one of the saddest threads I've read. OP I was in your situation 10 years ago and aborted following intense pressure from my then-partner. We broke up a few months later. I grieved my baby for years afterwards and it made me really unwell - I developed anorexia (which is more common amongst post-abortive women; they didn't put that in the bloody "counselling" leaflet) and became suicidal. I still think about her all the time. The grief is still there but the pain has started to dull.
I'm pro-choice in the sense that I believe abortion should be legal and freely available for women who choose one. But an abortion you've been coerced or manipulated into is never the right decision.
It is an option not to take the second pill. It's not too late to make a choice for yourself instead of for him. He may or may not be part of your life in 10 years time, but your decision - whichever one you make - will be.

whatamidoingwithmylife · 17/12/2018 19:18

@Figgygal yes he was supportive today. For the first time ever, he assumed I needed a hug rather than asking me if I wanted one. That seemed a big step towards more 'normal' behaviours and what I'm hoping he'll display. He stayed with me in the hospital but I declined having him in with me while I did all the tests and paperwork. He made sure I ate and drank afterwards and stayed a few hours with me to make sure I was ok.
He's always said if I need him at anytime to just call him and he'll come to make sure I'm ok.

OP posts:
whatamidoingwithmylife · 17/12/2018 20:40

@Kemer2018 I've had a look at the thread you mentioned and yes it's eye-opening. Thankfully my partner doesn't sound as difficult to deal with as those from the thread. He's very high functioning and just comes across as a little odd - similar to myself I thought. It seems he can cover up most of his ASD except the lack of feeling.

OP posts:
whatamidoingwithmylife · 17/12/2018 21:20

@morethanafuckingbleeder - I'm so sorry to hear your story. It sounds such a hard situation you were in and I'm sorry you're still trying to get over it now :(

I worry that I will really struggle to get over this but I have to remember that it doesn't work well with my situation at present so is probably for the best.

OP posts:
Stufftheturkeysholewithholly · 17/12/2018 21:41

Op I just want to say that I wish you all the best with the next appointment. It cant be easy for you and if anything i have said has sounded harsh then I want to say sorry. I really do feel you deserve better than this entire situation. Have you and he talked further than what happens when termination has been done?

mrsgumpy · 17/12/2018 21:46

Good luck for your next appointment. I made my decision in similar circumstances so I know how hard it is. At the end of the day, I just couldn't bring a child into the world where the father didn't want it. I needed his support and couldn't face raising three kids by myself. Thinking of you...I found deciding to take the pill (I had to take one before the surgical) the hardest and once it was done the procedure was easier. I also got a sedative before the procedure as I was so distressed so ask for one if you think you need.

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