Abortion - I'm not sure it's the right thing

[whatamidoingwithmylife]

I'm 10wks pregnant and considering abortion. I've only been with my partner for around 8mths and he's never wanted children (I've always thought it unlikely I would have any either).
We've found ourselves in this situation and he's been very clear that he wants me to terminate. I was in full agreement at the start as I had been taking medication that could potentially cause birth defects - this now seems unlikely to have caused issues in this pregnancy.
I really feel that I would like to carry on with the pregnancy but can't do it alone. My partner would support that decision the best he could but I know he'd forever resent me for keeping it. I feel that I would resent him if I terminate as I'm almost 35 so waiting a few years to try again as he's suggested could be possible, doesn't really seem an option as I'll be too old. He's only 29 and is in a less stable point in his life than I am.
Although he's not being pushy, he's very clear on his decision.
I've had my first appointment to discuss termination at the hospital and was so distressed they had to put me in a room to cry it out as I was in too much of a state to continue discussions or book the surgery.
Has anyone been in a similar situation that could give me any advice?
My partner has Aspergers so really doesn't understand why I'm so upset all the time and can't make my mind up.

@mrsgumpy thank you for your kind words. I'm hoping things happen quickly on Wednesday at the appointment but it sounds like it will take many hours.
I wanted surgical mainly so I could be oblivious and wake up with the procedure over. Sadly that can't happen so I have to have the medical termination and am so scared that I'll see the foetus as the nurse warned me was likely.

If you are so early on that you are having a medical termination, you won't see much although I was 14 weeks and had surgical so cannot say for sure.

That might be the case for some, but please don't underestimate the medical route.
I miscarried at eleven weeks at it was horrific and never ending (three weeks). Not at all the 'heavy period' the hospital leaflet told me to expect. I had to labour to deliver the foetus and the placenta also, a whole week later. Anaemia and PTSD to boot as well.

OP - please make sure you have your partner on hand. Whilst he might not offer what you need in terms of emotional support, you may well need a lot of physical support too and that is the least he can do.

At 12 weeks it won’t be a heavy period. Why would you consent to slides being made.

Crikey - a medical termination at 12 weeks? I didn't realise you were that far along. That isn't allowed where I am. Why can't they give you a surgical? I would insist. I had a surgical at 14 weeks and was completely knocked out for it. Thank goodness. Although I did have to take the pill before hand.
I did donate the foetus to science though as I wanted something useful to come of the whole awful tragedy.

But are you donating to science. There was a scandal in America re profucts of conception. Women are not being told the truth. Neither is it a collection of cells.

@mrsgumpy it seems that each hospital has their own way of doing things. The NHS website says they perform surgical until 15wks, yet my local hospital will only perform surgical up until 12wks - the first available appt is New Year's Eve which will mean I'm over the 12wk limit as I'm 11.5wks now. I can't see how medical is the better option yet they seem to prefer using that as it's 'more natural'. I just see it as more traumatic.

@user1457017537 there was no choice not to have slides made. It was either have the hospital deal with the foetus or claim it myself and have a funeral which is pointless at the stage of pregnancy I'm at.

@Botanica I've read a lot of info on the internet and other people's stories so am expecting it to be far worse than the leaflet suggests. I will have my partner there all day - he says he will do as little or as much as I require of him but would prefer to be with me the whole time.

@whatamidoingwithmylife if you do find yourself struggling and want to talk, feel free to PM me. The thing that helped me the most was a sort of weekend away for post-abortive women run by a group called Rachel's Vineyard. They're vaguely Christian (Franciscan maybe?) but I'm not religious and they didn't try to force anything on me. It was all about giving you space to talk and heal, and for those of us who needed to, to forgive ourselves.
I'm glad your partner will be with you for support

Whatiamdoingwirhmylife,

I have had a medical abortion at 8 weeks. Do take paracetamol and ibuprofen as the leaflet will tell you.
It's painful. It is the same drug used for induction. You may also vomit and feel very shivery. It does go within few hours. I went to AE as I didn't take any painkillers prior to taking the tablets and had to have morphine. Watch out for pain and fever in the days following. I had retained tissue and then was offered a surgical removal, but decided to let nature take its course. You will be ok physically. My local hospital only allows the pills up to 9 weeks, so I am very surprised that they will do medical at 12 weeks! If you don't feel right after the tablets don't hesitate to go to AE. They really have seen it all. If you want to talk please let me know and I will send you my number. I know how brutal it is to have an abortion due to shitty circumstances!!! Sending you all my good wishes and fingers crossed. Keep us posted. I really feel your pain. Xxx

Yes my hospital only allows medical up until 9 weeks as well.

Feel free to PM if you need someone to talk to. I was desperate to talk to people after mine.

Thinking of you. xxx

Update - I completed the termination yesterday. I started to bleed very heavily the night before which was a total surprise as I felt absolutely fine and no cramps. My partner wanted to take me to A&E but as there were only clots I decided against it.

As soon as I had the first tablets inserted yesterday, my bleeding stopped and I only had period type pains for the first few hours. I have extremely painful periods so am used to the pains I was having - this led to me accepting the pain meds too late and I ended up in horrific pain quite suddenly. I was given pethidine which did very little for the pain but about an hour later I felt the baby was ready to come but it was the second lot of tablets passing instead. About ten mins later the foetus passed. There was absolutely no way I wouldn't have seen the it as the nurses 'hoped' and is stated on the leaflets that there is a slight chance you may see it 🙄. In a way I'm glad I actually saw it as it confirmed to me that the medication I was taking when I got pregnant that causes birth defects hadn't actually caused any physical defects (it may have affected the organs which I'll never know now). It was so perfect which made me feel incredibly guilty as there seems no real reason for me to have done what I did other than to make my partner happy.

Poor poor you!

That sounds very painful, emotionally and physically. I hope for you sake OP that you can overcome all off this, either with or without your partner.

This person isn't a partner .

You poor thing. It all sounds so distressing.

I hope you can now get on with doing whatever in your life makes you happiest.

OP, I hope you find peace with your decision.

If you want children in the future, please don't waste your remaining fertile years waiting for this man to change his mind, now he has the outcome he wanted I doubt he will (I'm sorry if that sounds harsh). You sound like a lovely, kind hearted person who deserves much better.

Have a very unmumsnetty hug from me, I hope you feel better soon.

Look after yourself, and treat yourself very gently. Try to get some counselling soon, so that you can talk through it all with someone trained in listening.

Sending hugs.

OP I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through. Take care of yourself xx

I've only just seen this thread. I just want to send you a hug and some
And hope that you recover swiftly, and get whatever support you need, OP.

OP I am so sorry, please be kind to yourself x

I’m so sorry, I hope you can access some RL support at this difficult time.

Sending you lots of love and thoughts. Mine was also perfect and I am still grieving terribly. I do hope you can find a more supportive partner. And please seek some post-abortion support. xxxxx

@mrsgumpy currently I'm feeling ok about everything but whether or not that's how I'll feel in a few days I just don't know. Hopefully after my Xmas break from work and a holiday alone I have booked for January I will feel more normal.

My anger towards my partner seems to be dissipating as I do understand why he felt it wasn't the right time and I would also have chosen it to be different, but sometimes surprises happen.
He was, however, incredibly supportive at the hospital. Far more than I ever expected from him.

I'm flummoxed how you consider this person a partner after just 8 months and proffering support any friend in their right mind would have given you. It seems you have such low expectations of him. That is so sad. I wish you ever peace but also that you come to realise how little he's given you. His 'in a few years' is very classic stalling and he has a far longer fertility window than you.

@WilburforceRaven thanks for the rudeness about my partner while I'm dealing with this situation. Obviously there have been plenty of other things in the 9mths I've been with my partner that I haven't put into this post and he has done a hell of a lot for me during this time, including flying over to Finland to find me to make sure I was ok as I caught flu while pregnant and abroad alone, even though it was less than two days until I was flying home.
Also, the whole 'any friend' thing would require me to have some, which I don't - as stated in my posts.

The issues with him I've stated in my posts came from a place of anger and me being very upset about the situation at the time. I do feel that he didn't fully understand that we could have coped with a baby. But I do understand his position that he'd much rather be more secure in his job as his probationary period doesn't end for another 10mths and he's worried his Aspergers will be a reason for them to terminate his employment after that date (he didn't tell them about it as he doesn't see himself as having a disability, but they found out), plus he'd like us to live together first. I'd prefer those things too - but life doesn't always work out as we plan, unfortunately.