Abortion - I'm not sure it's the right thing

[whatamidoingwithmylife]

I'm 10wks pregnant and considering abortion. I've only been with my partner for around 8mths and he's never wanted children (I've always thought it unlikely I would have any either).
We've found ourselves in this situation and he's been very clear that he wants me to terminate. I was in full agreement at the start as I had been taking medication that could potentially cause birth defects - this now seems unlikely to have caused issues in this pregnancy.
I really feel that I would like to carry on with the pregnancy but can't do it alone. My partner would support that decision the best he could but I know he'd forever resent me for keeping it. I feel that I would resent him if I terminate as I'm almost 35 so waiting a few years to try again as he's suggested could be possible, doesn't really seem an option as I'll be too old. He's only 29 and is in a less stable point in his life than I am.
Although he's not being pushy, he's very clear on his decision.
I've had my first appointment to discuss termination at the hospital and was so distressed they had to put me in a room to cry it out as I was in too much of a state to continue discussions or book the surgery.
Has anyone been in a similar situation that could give me any advice?
My partner has Aspergers so really doesn't understand why I'm so upset all the time and can't make my mind up.

I was in this situation with my DH 6 years ago we were 21/22 and students and I basically got pregnant the same day we became a couple properly
That termination was the toughest thing I've ever done but I didn't have his support as he wasn't ready and I didn't have my own support as I knew I didn't want to bring a baby in to a financially unstable environment. I am now 7 weeks with a really wanted pregnancy and it's brought all of those feelings back I was 6 weeks at the termination. If you do decide it's the right choice it's easier the sooner you do it apparently the surgical extraction is tougher on your body than the pills. They also offer free councillors for after the procedure through the clinics if you need it which are a great help!

Oh op I just read the rest of this thread and saw you went through with it!
Don't feel guilty I let my self feel guilty for so long but I know I did what was right for our family as we wouldn't have what we have now with a child. People criticising your partner are out of order as I see it me and DH went through it together and supported each other through it we still do! It was as much his choice as it was mine as far as I was concerned as I cared about him (we had been close friends for a year at the time) and his needs. It's tough but it will be okay take time for you op you need it as this is a tough physical and mental experience and you deserve to be looked after through it! Hope you're feeling okay

Well done whatamidoing for handling it so well and being ready to forgive and understand your partner. You are a much bigger and better person than I am at this point with mine. I am glad he was supportive at the hospital and I am glad the after effects haven't been too tough - my grief immediately after the abortion and for days afterwards was crippling. Take care and PM if you want to chat. xxxxxx

Whatamidoingwithmylife, you've been incredibly brave. Thank goodness it is over and you can now get on with your life; it may feel tough right now but that will pass.

Look after yourself.

@mrsgumpy I'm so sorry you're still suffering. I know I'd have a harder time accepting my partner's decision had we been married, as in your situation - I was with my ex husband 14yrs and 100% know he'd have supported any decision I made.

I cried every day multiple times for the whole 9wks I knew about the baby. In a way I feel like a weight has been lifted as the hardest part was making the decision. I fear that my partner thinks I'm doing ok as when he's around taking my mind off things, we go back to normal and being silly together with me occasionally bursting into tears about the baby. When I'm alone, I think about it more and get more upset. Now he's back at work I'm alone all the time as I've taken extended leave from work over Xmas to get over this properly. He's taken tomorrow off work to stay with me but then he's on nights over Xmas and new year.
I worry that what he went through with me doesn't register as that bad on his radar as he sees such awful things in his job.

My mum has been pushing me to forgive him more quickly as she knows other things he's done for me and told me not to forget he's suffering over the decision too. I know he has been as he made himself ill with the worry of it and has lost a lot of weight, he's skeletal at the moment and it's quite worrying to see.

I hope you're doing ok and that things aren't too bad with your dh after the arguments.

I'm new to this site so don't know how to PM on the app 🙈

@whatamidoingwithmylife I am so sorry that you had nobody to talk this through with, it must have been so difficult. But you made the right choice for your situation at this time. I wish you all the best in your recovery and hope that you and your partner can lean on each other to get through it together xxx

I think it is good that you are crying about it as it is better than pretending it didn't happen. My counselling has said to try to put aside time each day to cry and I am doing that and it is helped - once I have cried, I can get on with my day.
It is very important to me that my DH understands the grief I am experiencing and also the sacrifice. I cannot make him feel guilty for ever, and I know I have to forgive him, but we have talked during counselling about the importance for me that he really understands how much this has hurt me. It does help when I feel he understands that. I feel so resentful when he acts has though "problem solved; life goes back to what it was".
Sending you lots of

@whatamidoingwithmylife, I totally sympathise with your situation and don't feel bad about changing your mind! He might not be the partner for you, but that doesn't mean he won't be a good dad when the baby arrives.

Try not to let fear drive your decisions. It sound like you were thinking about an abortion because you are scared of being a mom, especially a single mom. And your scared to terminate because your afraid of never being a mom.

I agree with a lot of posters when they say this relationship is likely to end, especially as there is a conflict of interest.

I hate to say it because I agree dad's should get a say in the final decision, but it is really up to you 100%.

Best of luck to you what ever you decide xxx

I agree that father's should have a say to the extent that you need their support to continue with the pregnancy. I aborted as my DH wasn't on board with having a third child. I couldn't face a third child without his support. Even though it was my decision, I needed his support.

@mrsgumpy I think it's important that the crying everyday takes place. Although it's only been a few days for me I know that soon I will be able to get through a day without crying. I'm aware I have gone to my default setting of pretending everything is ok so I think I need to tell my partner that just because I seem like I'm ok, doesn't mean I really am. His Aspergers means he takes things very much at face value and won't question it.
This situation seems to have brought us much closer together and he's been very loving and protective since, plus making it very clear to me how much I mean to him and making plans for our future.

Before the termination I was very set on trying to make him understand what he's caused and the loss I've suffered, but now that doesn't seem as important to me, as just having his love and support seems enough. I didn't think I'd ever forgive him and doubted the relationship could continue but he's such a wonderful person that I can't bear the thought of making him feel worse than he already does about the situation.

I hope you can resolve your feelings of resentment towards your husband but it will likely take some time. I'm glad the counselling is starting to work and I hope your husband understands why you feel as you do.

Yeah he's such a wonderful person you've had an abortion reluctantly to keep him happy and are hiding your true feelings to make him feel better.

Your last update was so sad op WHAT ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS AND NEEDS?

Thanks whatamidoing. I hope things continue to improve for you. I can completely understand having an abortion for my partner. That is what I did and I don't think it is a bad reason if you know they couldn't cope with a child and you want to protect the relationship. I am glad you are going easy on yourself. xxxx

I have been in the same position as you. My son is now 20. I ended up on my own with him, but met a wonderful man when my son was 2. We've now been married for 17 years and we had a further 3 children. Please don't terminate if it doesn't feel right for you

@feelyourpain46 rtft. The OP already terminated.

Yeah he's such a wonderful person you've had an abortion reluctantly to keep him happy and are hiding your true feelings to make him feel better.

This

@PatricksRum thanks for your unnecessary input in an attempt to make me feel worse. It was the right thing to do to terminate - I made my own decision thanks.
As I explained in other posts, he's done a hell of a lot for me - and not forced me into the abortion.

He was right that we can't be sure of our financial situation until he has passed his work probation. I do not want to be living off handouts from the government just so I can have a kid - way too many people do this already and I'd be a huge hypocrite if I became one of the people I complain about.

The fact that it's made you feel worse should indicate something.
You both own your own houses and work but anyway it's done now.
I was in a similar situation and went through it alone.

@PatricksRum - I said 'attempt to make me feel worse', not that it did.
I have a difficult job that means I can't dedicate time to a child without a lot of support and my partner does a dangerous job that is long shifts.
I don't want to do it alone - I mentioned that several times in my post, plus my job makes it impossible to do it alone.

It's done now - a week ago today and there's nothing I can do to change that.

That's fine.
You can do as you please. From the way it came across you didn't want an abortion but you've done it now, that's up to you.
Personally, having a child, that comes above everything for me and I'd raise a child on minimum wage and I raise her alone with no support at all and it's the best thing but we're two different people.

@whatamidoingwithmylife I just wanted to drop a note as I came across the thread and it brought back memories. When I was younger (21) I was pregnant and went through the same thing. Partner of 2 years said we would do it ‘later in life’, we couldn’t afford it, it caused terrible arguments, I felt quite insecure and in the end terminated because it wasn’t the right choice for me. I didn’t want to do it alone, I didn’t want to have a low income and not afford the life I would want a child to have. I knew I couldn’t provide on my own and I felt confused about my relationship. It was the hardest decision if my life- but I don’t regret it. Being so young if anything the decision focussed me on what I did want in life and motivated me to achieve it so that it wasn’t in vain.

My relationship lasted another 4 years but at 25 I called if off. We had drifted and fundamentally wanted different things. He was ready for marriage and kids, and I felt like life was only just beginning.

I got a good job, bought my own place, did some travelling and eventually met my now husband 12 years ago at 27. We have done so much together, and made a home. Today I’m 39, 10 weeks pregnant, and have done all the things I said I would and more.

You’re a bit older than I was, but this decision is the beginning of the road to motherhood for you, not the end. Be kind to yourself, shut out the negatives and when you are ready, funnel this situation into positive energy for the future. I genuinely wish you all the best xxx

@Yukka thank you for your post, it's nice to hear a positive reply as most seem to be advising me to dump my partner and bring up a child on benefits or on very low income - as you pointed out, that's not what some of us believe is a good life for a child.

I've worked hard for my career and home, have travelled to some amazing places and after a divorce a couple of years ago, I want to settle with someone and maybe then start a family. Sadly my partner has yet to experience all that I have already done as he's younger, so not yet in the right place to be having kids. Maybe he'll want them later, maybe not but I'll just have to see how it goes.

Good luck with your pregnancy and I wish you all the best.

You need to think this through because you are saying he will resent you however you need this to be your decision or you will end up resenting yourself and him if you get rid of baby when you actually want it

Ps you can do it alone if you really want to! Be stronger than you think x

emma1224*

You need to read the thread - things have moved on since the OP started the thread.

With sensitive threads like this I think you should ALWAYS read at least the posts written by the OP.

whatamidoing - sending you lots of thoughts. Hope you are doing ok. I am appalled by those people chipping in to judge you because they themselves have raised children on their own. Each woman makes her own choices based on what she thinks is best for any future child and her own life. We need to respect each other's decisions and not try to make other women feel bad by judging them. Go well. xxxxx

@mrsgumpy - I'm not doing too badly. Had a bit of upset last night as one of the very few people I told text me to ask whether I kept the baby and to apologise for not being there to support me (bit late for that now!).
The majority of the time I feel ok mentally, but physically I'm still in a lot of pain and bleeding. Maybe once that goes away I'll be able to move on without the constant reminders.

I hope you're doing well and things are moving forward with your husband. Wishing you all the best for the new year xxx