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Original poster

Parents in law staying with us after the birth? - Advice please!

270 replies

aquasea · 02/02/2007 11:00

Hi everyone,

I was wondering if anyone could offer me some advice. I am currently pregnant with my first baby (due end of May). The problem I have is that my husband's parents live in Australia. They want to come over after the birth and stay with us. We will be in a tiny two bedroom cottage. I have said that they can come 4 weeks after the birth. I think they are a bit put out by that (and I don't think my husband is that happy either). I am just worried that having a tiny new baby (especially with it being the first), adjusting to being a mum, breastfeeding...all that stuff will be very stressful and that having the in-laws there will be the last thing I will need. Perhaps I am completely wrong though. Having never done any of this before I would really love some advice from those of you that have had babies!!

thanks,
Aqua xx

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Caligula · 02/02/2007 11:02

No you are not wrong, you are absolutely right.

Having your first baby is an immense upheaval and you need time and space to yourselves. Your IL's have no right to be put out by it, frankly, anyone who doesn't remember the chaos of the first few weeks of having a baby has a very bad memory.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, hope it all goes well for you.

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 02/02/2007 11:03

you are absolutely right. I would say no, no, no.

It's enough of a change getting used to having new baby as it is without having the ILs staying as well - can you suggest they stay in a hotel?

tbh I wouldn't even have wanted someone to stay when ds was 4 weeks old, and he wasn't a particularly difficult baby or anything - I just wouldn't have wanted the hastle.

Tortington · 02/02/2007 11:06

your right. absolutley

mumto3girls · 02/02/2007 11:09

Hi

Congrats on your pg!
I think it's difficult to comment fully without knowing what type of relationship you have with your inlaws and what type of people and age they are...Will they be the sort of people to expect waiting on or will they cook, clean, shop for you etc?

There are certainly times where an extra set of hands come in handy in the first few weeks ( especially if your DH doesn't have much time off..?) but ultimately I think it's nicer if that pair of hands can go home at the end of the day!!! That won't be the case with yours will it?
I do also think that when you're tryingto cope with a potential lack of sleep and etting feeding sorted a bit of privacy is nice!
Why is your DH upset about this, does he not think it would be nice to have that private time with you and the baby before the rest of the family descend?

You could always set up webcam so they can see the baby sooner and take lots of vieo so they can watch it when they do visit.

Good luck!!

ejt1764 · 02/02/2007 11:11

Don't do it!!

I was steamrollered into mil and fil coming to stay for a week after birth of ds. We had said that nobody was to come and stay, but they told dh not to be so silly, they were coming. Horrendous - mil butchered my garden - and took dh outside to help her, banished me to the bedroom to 'rest', and left fil snoozing looking after baby.

We got absolutely no time to be together as a family, and relationships with the inlaws have never recovered.

Tell them they can come, but they have to stay in a hotel, and they can come to visit you at home, but they're only allowed to stay for an hour at a time .....

Seriously, don't do it!

ejt

Original poster
aquasea · 02/02/2007 11:12

Thanks everyone... do you think that having them stay when the little one is 4 weeks old will still be too early? They think they are going to help. I know their intentions are good but I just keep thinking that I wouldn't even want my own parents living with us at that time. My husband thinks I am looking at it all wrong and that they will really be able to help... I just don't know. How much help does one want from one's in-laws anyway?! I have never really had much to do with babies but I am thrilled and excited about our little one (naturally!), my in laws have had lots (and have massive extended family) AND ran a childcare centre so I am also a bit worried that they will... how to put this... know better than me about everything. Please tell me if you think I am approaching this all wrong. Maybe I should be grateful for the help?

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Original poster
aquasea · 02/02/2007 11:15

ejt, how old was your baby when your inlaws came to stay?

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mumto3girls · 02/02/2007 11:16

I think it's great that thy will obviously be ale to offer you advice with their wealth of knowledge and experience - but you will know best for your baby, and that comes from spending time bonding with him/her without feeling scrutinised by people who think they might know best.

What is your DH's objections based upon?
The other thing is your little house will be completely taken over with baby stuff in the first few weeks, so having relations with suitcases arriving is a no-no, cos you will just have no room!!

mumto3girls · 02/02/2007 11:19

Having said that..my own mum (my dad culdn't get out of work commitments) came to stay for 4 days when my youngest was just 12 days old and it was lovely. Having had that first time to get to knowher it was nice to hand her over so DP and I could eat a meal or have a bath without the other being on babywatch constantly...but 4 days was just enough...

Caligula · 02/02/2007 11:20

Your reservations are entirely justified.

They're not your mum and dad, they're his, and if there are areas of disagreement, with their wealth of experience, he may be more likely to side with them than with you which could undermine your confidence as a mother and ultimately your relationship with him.

Of course you should be grateful for their help but tbh help given to a new mother has got to be given carefully and sensitively and the fact that they're getting a bit grumpy already about you wanting things done your way isn't a good sign.

Before they come, you need to establish a few clear boundaries so that there's no falling out.

WeaselMum · 02/02/2007 11:21

I was ready for a bit of help when ds was about six weeks old - before that anyone else hovering around, insisting on holding the baby endlessly, telling me when he did or didn't want feeding was very annoying (though to be fair that was mostly MY parents - my PILs were brilliant!).

Stick to your guns on this one - and I would insist they stay in a hotel, whenever they come. Point out the baby will still be waking for feeds several times a night and they will not get any rest. Though if they are willing to get up and do nappy changes in the night then they will be more than welcome.

Congrats on the baby and good luck with it all!

Original poster
aquasea · 02/02/2007 11:23

mumto3girls, thanks for the congrats! About the inlaws...living in different countries mean that I don't know them too well. We get on and everything but it's not like we are round each others houses all the time (obviously!). They probably would cook and shop but they aren't too good at being independent, if you know what I mean? I also don't think they are too sensitive. I think my husband thinks that I am looking at everything negatively and that having a new baby will just take a little bit of adjustment but after that it will all drop into place. Baby cries, you feed it or change it, end of story. I don't think he realises quite what it will be like (despite him having a lot more experience with babies than I do!). I think he feels that I am pushing his parents out. My parents will be over here but they won't be staying with us.

With regard to the hotel option - I think the problem there is money and the exchange rate between England and Australia. Besides, my husband said he would never ask his parents to stay in a hotel.

OP posts:
Caligula · 02/02/2007 11:25

Is there any chance of them staying with your parents instead of with you?

MamaGrr · 02/02/2007 11:29

noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Original poster
aquasea · 02/02/2007 11:31

Unfortunately they can't stay with my parents. My parents also live (most of the time) in Australia and have a small one bedroom flat for when they are in London so there is no room for them to stay there.

Mamagrr - your response made me laugh! Please elaborate though. Too early for them to be staying?

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MrsBadger · 02/02/2007 11:37

Don't let them stay in the house.

Hotel means someone else will cook and clean for them, deal with their bedlinen, suitcases etc, else guess who'll end up doing it?
Also means they will go home at the end of the day leaving you to do things they may not approve of without interference (watch crap TV with glass of wine, put all the things they've 'helped' with back where you like them etc)

Spin it to DH that it'll be much nicer for them to have lots of room, meals cooked for them etc - they are on holiday after all...

choosyfloosy · 02/02/2007 11:44

OK, any friend or other family member they can stay with? Or I've seen adverts in local residents' newsletter for a house to sit for short lets like this.

I wrote a long post but it's gone somehow. Gist was suggesting having a conversation with your MIL, when you say honestly that you are worried about this visit affecting your relationship in the future. Try and have a talk about the birth/arrival of her first child - where was she living? What sort of place? How did she do all the laundry? How did she tackle feeding? How did she feel? Great stories to have anyway, but may help her to remember some of the sensitivities of that period. The most well-meaning comment can hurt like you wouldn't believe at that time, when you don't know what you're doing and you KNOW you don't. (The fact is that your baby doesn't care, it doesn't want an expert, just you, but that doesn't make you feel any better).

It's rare on Mumsnet to find such unanimity on a thread. I have the feeling you are wobbling about knuckling down to this one. DON'T. Seriously.

Creena · 02/02/2007 11:48

I think that you're being absolutely sensible and you should stick to your guns on this one! There is no way at all that I could contemplate having someone (anyone at all) come to stay straight after having a baby. This is especially the case for you - it's your first baby and you will need time to adjust to being a threesome rather than a twosome. You'll also need to get into a routine that's right for you and your baby - you probably won't be able to do this while your PILs are around. I think that you clearly and eloquently stated your reasons for waiting until the abby is 4 weeks old in your first post - would it help if you rang your PILs now to explain to them how you feel and why you've made this suggestion? You could make it clear to them that you are not shutting them out or stopping them from visiting at all - it's just that you need time to adjust and settle in to your new life as a mum. They might be more understanding and sympathetic if they heard it straight from you. It's not as if you've said that they can't come at all, is it?

choosyfloosy · 02/02/2007 11:50

You, probably, and also dh, will be roaming aroudn the house with screaming baby at all hours. In the first 4 weeks, dh was almost completely nocturnal - he fed about 3 times during the day and then from 10pm to 5am pretty much all the time (45 mins and then 5 mins asleep - 90 mins and then 10 mins asleep - on and on). This is not uncommon. (NB it's not brilliant either - if it happened again I'd be on the phone to a breastfeeding counsellor, but it wouldn't have been sorted straightaway anyway). The only thing that made it bearable was being able to watch masses of rubbish movies and ER on cable, plus make snacks/full meals whenever I felt like it, crash around, have baths, wear/not wear clothes as required. Some helpful person turning on the hoover at 9.15 am just as I had finally dropped off, or saying 'I've noticed you don't change breasts after 10 mins' (direct quote from MIL who was NOT staying with us)... No. No. No.

dassie · 02/02/2007 11:50

I have this problem too. Due end of March and MIL has already booked flights for first week in May (they were cheap) so if he is late......

My husband was more supportive and told her that she could book the flights but if we weren't ready she would have to rebook.

However, I can't seem him actually telling her that and to be honest, I am dreading her coming! She makes comments like "you will be able to go out for the day and I can look after him" - er, not if he's 2 weeks old I won't!

My husband will also be at work - I assume yours will have gone back by then too. So it is a big imposition and I think you have every right to say no or demand they stay in a hotel if they insist on coming over straight after the birth. You will have to deal with them - not dh - so put your foot down.

I think building confidence in your own mothering skills is more important at that early stage.

moondog · 02/02/2007 11:52

Very bad idea to let them stay with you.
They must find a flat or hotel.
I wouldn't let my own (very loved) family stay that long.

HumphreysCorner · 02/02/2007 11:58

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo don't have them to stay-not even at 4 weeks. Your hormones will be all over the place and having them stay will 'do your head in'. Honestly, just having in-laws visiting in those first few months is horrendous enough.

Good Luck

xxx

choosyfloosy · 02/02/2007 11:59

God, sorry about this. Feel strongly on this one.

Don't know if you'd regard yourself as culturally British? There is actually a long-standing taboo in Britain against living with your parents - at least back to medieval times. People have historically married late in Britain (mid-late 20s) because they culturally were expected to save up enough money to set up a separate household in some form (even if just a separate room, but usually an establishment of some kind). This broke down somewhat under the pressures of urbanisation/Industrial Revolution. I guess what I mean is, if anyone tells you 'oh it's so sad that you don't want the older generation with you, we always used to etc etc' they are talking rubbish and shouldn't persuade you to do it. Not that you have to be constrained by your cultural inheritance, but you see what I mean.

Anglaise1 · 02/02/2007 12:00

You poor thing - they must stay somewhere else. I have mine coming over to France from the UK a few weeks after the birth in March, but they are very understanding and will be staying somewhere else nearby, not in my house (but I have always made my feelings quite clear to them on this front!)
Good luck!

Original poster
aquasea · 02/02/2007 12:00

Gosh - it seems pretty unanimous! Everyone agrees it's a bad idea them staying... but do you think that it will be alright after 4 weeks? If not, then when would it be alright? I really can't see me being able to insist they stay in a hotel seeing as my husband wouldn't allow it (and they can't afford it). I think at the moment they are suggesting staying with us for 2 weeks. I would love to have a really honest chat with my mother in law about this but we are very different people. She is lovely but when I have tried to have really open chats with her before she has really clammed up and made me feel pretty awful. My husband is incredibly loving and open but his family don't really seem to be open like that with each other. I think she will just take offence but insist that everything is "alright", if you know what I mean? My husband has told them that he would like them to wait until the baby is 4 weeks old before coming and one of the reasons he gave is that my parents will be here!! I was so annoyed about that because that isn't the reason at all. It makes it sound to his parents like I have said I only want my parents around for the first few weeks. I think I will probably have to talk to her about it, I just find her a bit difficult. She will say she understands and everything but won't really be honest about what she is thinking or feeling. They seem to struggle with my openness.

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