Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Parents in law staying with us after the birth? - Advice please!

270 replies

aquasea · 02/02/2007 11:00

Hi everyone,

I was wondering if anyone could offer me some advice. I am currently pregnant with my first baby (due end of May). The problem I have is that my husband's parents live in Australia. They want to come over after the birth and stay with us. We will be in a tiny two bedroom cottage. I have said that they can come 4 weeks after the birth. I think they are a bit put out by that (and I don't think my husband is that happy either). I am just worried that having a tiny new baby (especially with it being the first), adjusting to being a mum, breastfeeding...all that stuff will be very stressful and that having the in-laws there will be the last thing I will need. Perhaps I am completely wrong though. Having never done any of this before I would really love some advice from those of you that have had babies!!

thanks,
Aqua xx

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Blackduck · 02/02/2007 12:32

Copy the page into a word doc and then go through and delete your stuff....

Blackduck · 02/02/2007 12:33

Tutter LOL!

dejags · 02/02/2007 12:33

Aqua,

cut and paste the thread into MS Word, then you can edit as you please.

Tutter · 02/02/2007 12:33

arf

ejt1764 · 02/02/2007 12:34

aqua - my baby was 4 days old - I was in hospital with him for 3 days after birth - their arrival was not welcome!! many swear words were said to dh when he told me they'd decided to come and 'help'!

Choosy - your mil sounds just like mine - I had instructions on how to feed (MIL didn't bf - seems her boobs didn't work or some such rubbish), how to hold, etc. etc. I wasn't even allowed to bath my own baby - mil said 'oh it needs an experienced touch!' (I kid you not)

Aqua - I have to say that Choosy's idea of asking someone to put them up is a good one - your house is far too small to cope with house guests ... especially, as you say, they are not terribly independent.

At 4 weeks, I got to the stage of thinking of working ds into some sort of routine - and I needed time and space to do it - on my own. If the pil come to visit, it's got to be on your terms - just like I imagine it will be with your parents.

Quick question - if pil are not going to be here at same time as your parents - can pil not use their flat?

Also - I'd count on babe being 2 weeks late - so 6 weeks from due date would be more realistic - that is if they're intent on being there for the magic 4 weeks ...

Another thought - sorry if rambling ... could you not go to see them for a spell? Not at 4 weeks, obviously, but at a few months?

going to go now, before my confused ramblings make everyone snore.

ejt

gigglinggoblin · 02/02/2007 12:36

i am due to have no 4 in 2 weeks and i am seriously thinking about imposing visiting hours on everyone so i get the day to myself. mil lives quite far away and doesnt like the train, doesnt drive so wants to stay nearby but im a bit worried about her even staying close as she doesnt see the kids too often and tends to get quite enthusiastic which i dont think i can cope with. i am not expecting to get dressed for the first few weeks until 'visiting hours' which wil be after the other kids get back from school, sometimes even pyjamas can be too much hassle! you might find you want to wander round topless while you get feeding sorted (really! i did last time) so guests would seriously interfere with this!

i think it is also extremely important to set boundaries now, there are so many pil horror stories on here and people who wish they had never allowed pils to get away with so much. if dh cant be honest with them over the phone i would be very worried about them coming over. and i really doubt they cant afford to rent a caravan/flat whatever if they can afford a flight from oz, they have a bit of time to save a bit towards it

LIZS · 02/02/2007 12:36

You are quite right You'll all need time to adjust and have space and time to cope with the post birth physical changes without the pressure of having to worry about whether you have to wear a bathrobe all the time, be discreet about breastfeeding, get up and dressed or eat properly at meal times . You hopefully will emerge from the haze of the early weeks when he/she is about 6 weeks. If they want to come sooner then locate them a nice b and b or hotel nearby for at least a week or two before they move in. They could always disappear for a few days away mid stay too ! Is dh having some time off ?

choosyfloosy · 02/02/2007 12:37

to show dh key comments - open new Microsoft Word document; copy/paste any chunks of text from thread /whole thread as required; paste into new document; edit.

Tell him congratulations from us too - it's up to him to introduce his PILs to his new family - as and when suits all three of you!

choosyfloosy · 02/02/2007 12:39

arf x 3

Lwatkins · 02/02/2007 12:40

To be honest i wouldn't have it at all! But my circumstances are different, for a start i'll be a single parent. Cause i'm at uni i'm going back to my parents home to stay over the summer, my babies due at the end of may so will have her there to. But i'm comfortable with this because they are MY family and i know that they will instictivley know when to leave me be, or know when to say to me 'take a bath for half an hour, we'll watch the little one'. And i'm comfortable with the arrangement and so are they.
IL's however - oh dear god. I don't wanna sound pesimistic but it sounds like a recipie for disaster in my opinion. You will have just had a baby and need to adjust to this HUGE big change. And as lovely as it is that they want to help, YOU will have your own little family to care for come the time. You need to settle and get used to it all, imagine having your il's on top of you as well. Your home wont be big enough to accomadate them, there will be baby crap all over the place!
If it were me i'd suggest that they make a holiday of it, and be firm in saying this. I wouldn't want them around EVERY DAY, at least if they were to make it a holiday they could go sightseeing, you know do holiday things so that they're not under your feet 24/7. This way they can still pop in and see you and the baby every now and then, without them being in your hair constantly. I don't think your dp is thinking about the fact that it'll be mainly you having to deal with them. He's not the one who's been pg for 9 months, given birth, getting to grips with breastfeeding etc you are. To put the added pressure of his parents come to stay on you so soon after the birth is very unfair. And they certainly don't seem like thay are thinking about you too much, they should know when to back of and leave it a while. Not keep pushing you into a stay that you may not be up to.

Lwatkins · 02/02/2007 12:42

Sorry forgot to say congrats and good luck

PoppiesMum · 02/02/2007 12:44

Maybe tmi..but the queuing for the bathroom comment just made me think about the times after the birth when my savaged pelvic floor gave me about 0.5 seconds notice that I needed to pee Trust me, when you have to make a dash for the loo (disposable pants rustling as you go) you wont want to to waiting for mil to finish having her shower

Original poster
aquasea · 02/02/2007 12:46

ejt - sounds like you had an utter nightmare! You poor thing. No, my parents will still be here when his arrive (and most likely will be after they leave too) so staying at their flat isn't an option. Also, we are planning to take the baby out to Oz at Christmas time but I know they will want to meet him/her before then.

My husband is planning on taking a week's holiday but that still leaves me with them on my own for a week. If the little one is overdue then it's possible they could be staying with us when he/she is 2 weeks old! OMG! Am breaking out in a cold sweat! My mum would never dream of staying with us (but then I feel a bit bad saying that because they have more money and are lucky to have other family, friends and their own flat around). We have only been married for 5 months (honeymoon baby!) and are so loved up and excited... this is the single only thing we have had a fight about in the whole 5 months.

OP posts:
Longlegs1972 · 02/02/2007 12:46

I'm of the NOoooooooooo camp too, from personal experience too.

My DP invited his mother to stay (who I had only met once 4 weeks earlier)when DS was 3 days old.

It was truly the worst ever time of my life and totally ruined the beginning of getting to know my baby and bond with my DP as a new mum and dad.

I wish I had said something to him at the time but I didn't and I still resent him and HER for it to this day.

Tell him truly how you feel. DO not be pressured into anything and it is so so important for you to feel comfortable. You are about to go through one of the most emotionally & mental experience of your life.

Do not accept that they 'have' to come and stay with you. As others have said this WILL affect your future relationship with them. Even if they do like on the other side of the world!!!!!

Best of luck
xxx

HumphreysCorner · 02/02/2007 12:48

My 'lovely' MIL said 'well, you should have stayed in hospital a bit longer when I complained about far to many visitors that first week. She said she stayed in for 2 weeks and did each other's hair. Doh-that is what they did in her day-they only got their baby back at feeding time to give a bottle and they never fed the baby through the night so they got plenty of time to sleep and recover. Nowadays, they kick you out of hospital as soon as they can! Stoopid woman!

choosyfloosy · 02/02/2007 12:48

Not sure even about that lwatkins - the thought of visitor lolling on sofa telling boring story about local stately home 'and I wouldn't have paid for the coffee only I didn't want him to be in trouble with his manager, but it's not right, is it? Still, really lovely gardens, such a relaxing trip,' while you are sitting there wearing novelty Donald Duck slippers and a milk-stained nightie, tears coursing slowly down your face, baby wriggling as if half-exposed breast is full of poison, having had 2 hours sleep in the last 24, missing Property Ladder...

sazzybee · 02/02/2007 12:51

Ooh I just thought of something else too. My colleague was telling me yesterday that in Oz you stay in hospital in a lovely private room for 7 - 10 days after the birth so you're all chilled out when you get home.

Don't know if this is true or not but if it is, could explain why they all think you'll be all mellow?

HumphreysCorner · 02/02/2007 12:52

Longlegs-I still hold a grudge.

aqua-bless you on only being married for 5 months. You are still getting to know each other. Congrats on your wedding.

choosyfloosy · 02/02/2007 12:55

eeuuuuw at the thought of doing the hair of the woman opposite me in the postnatal ward...

HumphreysCorner · 02/02/2007 12:55

LOL-choosy

Original poster
aquasea · 02/02/2007 12:58

Sazzy, I don't know if that's true either. I certainly think the hospitals etc are better over there and that care is generally better. You might be right, maybe this is why they think it will be fine. I think they are used to large houses/gardens and maybe they don't really get the whole "tiny house" thing. I can't really understand how a mother would think this is OK. I mean, she has had 4 children herself! No, I really think that they honestly believe they will be helping.

About the sightseeing thing... as I said, they aren't really too independent and besides, they have been to London before so I doubt they will really go too far. I think it will be a case of 24/7!

I spoke to my mum about my worries and she listened to it all, grimaced and said, "you might just have to put up with it, darling. at least you can escape to our place." At the time I thought, yes, that's true, but thinking about what you guys have all said, I doubt I will be wanting to pack up myself and baby and travel all the way into town. OK, I am being totally negative and moaning! I need to be constructive and think about a way to deal with this. I have realised that even if I do the Word cut and paste thing I will have shot myself in the foot because DH knows my name on this website and he will find the whole thread!! Whoops. Not too smart!

OP posts:
ejt1764 · 02/02/2007 13:00

aqua - congrats on wedding and honeymoon baby ...

the really scary thing is that I thought pil were normal people until I had ds .... dh and I had been married 6 years, and together for 12 when ds was born, and before that, they were normal, pleasant human beings ...

they insisted on coming to the hospital to see us on the first day, and her first words to me were 'Thank you' it went downhill from there ...

Our relationship is now very cool. DH and I rarely argue - but when we do, his mother is usually at the centre of it ....

Seriously, print off this and show it to your dh - having family to stay (either type) with a small baby is not a good idea....

ejt

HumphreysCorner · 02/02/2007 13:07

ejt-are you me? I too got on fine with MIL (well, sort of-has always been strange) until the arrival of DD1. Believe me, it gets worse. When I had DD2 I was told that I have to have another baby as they want a boy. Said that SIL should have one but they said that wouldn't do as it wouldn't be a *** (family surname) Am married to the local Mafia by the way! They are even wanting to send DD1 to a Private School (over my dead body) Only know this as they announced it on Christmas Day but not to me or DH-my mum rang and told me.

Dophus · 02/02/2007 13:11

Absolutely don't do it. Definitely do't go with the just out up with it this time. It will haunt you with regeret for years and ruin your relationship with MIL (and possibly DH) for a logn time.

I had said absolutely no way before hand and then relented with pressure from DP when DS1 was about 5 days ols (the day after leaving hte hospital with a CS).

It was absolutely afwul. I couldn't bear having a house full of people, I felt very protective of my baby and couldn't stand anyone holding him, my hormones were everywhere and I couldn't stop crying. Worts of all DP's attention was focused on his mother and making sure theu were comfortable and happy (especially given my dreadful behaviour) rather than on me and my needs.

You'll prbabyl be over the baby blues etc by then and beginningto be coping so it is the latter point that I would be concerned about. Presumably DH will be workign so you will be looking after them. Of course they have the best intentions to be looking after you but they are the guests. I can never get past that I feel my space has compromised when people take over my house. Everything is the wrong place, food is served at wrong times and not the way I like it. You can't even just watch tv when you want.

The early weeks are so so precious and different for everyone but everyone here is unanimous!

Dophus · 02/02/2007 13:12

sorry - so used to spellchecks!