Parents in law staying with us after the birth? - Advice please!

[aquasea]

Hi everyone,

I was wondering if anyone could offer me some advice. I am currently pregnant with my first baby (due end of May). The problem I have is that my husband's parents live in Australia. They want to come over after the birth and stay with us. We will be in a tiny two bedroom cottage. I have said that they can come 4 weeks after the birth. I think they are a bit put out by that (and I don't think my husband is that happy either). I am just worried that having a tiny new baby (especially with it being the first), adjusting to being a mum, breastfeeding...all that stuff will be very stressful and that having the in-laws there will be the last thing I will need. Perhaps I am completely wrong though. Having never done any of this before I would really love some advice from those of you that have had babies!!

thanks,
Aqua xx

What everyone else said!

Don't do it. Just no. And when they do come put them up somewhere else (would your parents 'treat' them to it?)

My PIL came to stay when ds was 7wks, which was about as early as I could have handled anyone in my house. By then bf was established and I felt more or less 'together'. But before that, I was bursting into tears all the time, I needed my privacy and time alone with dp to stare at our new baby.

You have no idea how becoming a mother is going to make you feel. You don't want to have to get used to your new situation, with its ups and downs, in front of other people. I think this is one time in your life when it's just tough if people get offended by what you decide. They will see the baby eventually and all will be forgotton. But if you let them come too early and it ruins this special time, you will probably always feel resentful.

Congratulations, btw, and good luck!

This is really intresting reading. I'm having my baby on the 15th feb (C section thats how I can be specific)and my parents are coming on the 19th feb for about 8 days. We have booked them into a hotel as we also live in a very small house. My DH is happier now we have sorted the hotel but this caused lots of arguments and tears on my behalf. It was all complicated by my brother needing to be in respite care which had to be booked 3 months ago.
I nearly caused another stir last night when I said my parents have priority to see the baby first over his mum (she does have two other GDs and quite frankly DH is not going through major surgery, which will be worrying for my parents!!)
So we have said no visitors while I am in hospital, if I am still in when my parents arrive them we may relent, as I will probably be out the next day.
I originally also said to my parents if I hadn't gone into labour then they should not come. I did not want them sat in my front room watching the proceedings. This was really hard for me as I usually try to please everyone. BUT this is a time when you have to put yourself first.
Have a lok at travel lodges if here is one near you as we could have booked them in for £15 a night, had we known what was going on even so we have now paid £23 a night I think - a bargain in my eyes for a us all to get a good nights sleep.

Agree MM, by 7-8 wks, there was a lot they could do to help, eg - entertaining ds while I had a shower, taking him out for short walks - it really was good to have an extra pair of hands for that kind of thing. But not any earlier! I just didn't want anyone to be observing how I was or wasn't coping in the early days. What you need in the first few weeks is someone to cook and clean, not interfere with the baby, then leave you alone... somehow I don't think that would happen though...

Even then re the cooking and cleaning, would they do it to the required standard! I am a control freak btw! I made mil iron a huge basket of clothes so she would leave me and dd alone for a bit. Otherwise we were just sat in the same room in silence!

oh aquasea I understand your dilemma completely!

I'm due on 3rd March, and my mother and her husband are coming over from Texas on 1st March to stay in the UK for two weeks. This might sound fairly normal but its not - my mother left for the USA when I was 4, after she lost custody of me to my dad. Since then we've had limited contact - I've been to meet her twice, once when 16, once when 29 (3 years ago). I speak to her once every 6 months or so, and much as I like her a lot, theres no love there on my part.

She was v. upset when I didnt invite her to my wedding, so when I rang to tell her about the pregnancy, she got hugely excited and said she was coming over, which I kind of agreed to because I still feel guilty (and shouldnt) about the wedding thing. My bad. She rang up the next week and started asking about my due date and could she stay with us for a fortnight. Well I said I wasnt sure and could I have a think and ring back, which I did the following week. Everyone advised me to put her off for at least a month or so after due date, and not to have them staying under any circumstances.

Anyway, turns out I had wrong end of stick - she booked her flights straight after she'd rung the previous week, so I have no choice in that matter. I asked them if they could sort out a hotel instead of staying with us, but not sure I was forceful enough and that she really believed me. She was v. disappointed, but I don't really get why she can't see it from my point of view.

I havent heard anything since and that was about a month ago - I just hope they're not expecting lifts from the airport or just turn up expecting a bed (which we don't have anyway). Its going to be very expensive for them when they're here, but having just bought a new house/car/ nursery we just have no pennies left to help them out. And frankly, I don't see why I should. Yet I still feel guilty. Arrgh!!

Fortunately I have the backing of hubby who is going to have to be the strong one in this because I don't have the energy or will to deal with her. I have this awful feeling that she'll be there waiting for me to give birth (shes already said she wants to be present) and insist on coming with me into the labour room, and if hubby is at work I won't have the strength to disagree even though its not what I want - after all she's practically a stranger.

My parents (dad and step mum) and in-laws arent even coming down until we give our say so - they totally get that we need some time for our own new little family unit - I just think my mum is trying to somehow make up for not being around for me.

So for now I'm sticking my head in the sand, and doing nothing. Not sure what else I can do!

That's awful lynniep. I am shocked she expects to be there for the birth! She obviously has a very blinkered view of your relationship.

If your dp can be strong then let him take the heat. You have to be comfortable when giving birth and it doesn't sound like you will be if she is there. You and the baby come first.

Why not book a hotel for her so when she turns up your husband can take them round there directly. If you book in a big hotel they often don't take deposits.

saltire and Another MIL like mine! The first time we left DD1 with MIL for a few hours was dire-when we went to collect her at the time we said they had taken her out visiting in my car and didn't get back until 7pm (2 hours later) Sat waiting at their house and was hysterically sobbing as DH refused to take me home (we were on his motorbike and had left the car with them)and his Grandma couldn't see why I was so hysterical. Another time she bought a different type of nappy cream as she didn't like the one I used. I threw it straight in the bin and when DD1 came home dressed in SIL's baby clothes I also threatened to throw them in the bin if I saw them again. When DD1 was born she ironed all of SIL's dresses and gave them to me-yuk!

aqua-have to say your list of points is totally justified.

xxx

Oh lynniep Hugs ((((xxxx))))

My MIL actually asked if she could be at the birth. Luckily DH told her now way!

Hmmm - I just wrote a post but it seems to have disappeared (apologies if it turns up again and I repeat myself).

Lynniep - your situation sounds horrible. I think you are going to have to be strong and firm like I am going to have to be. This is the one time in our lives that we need to protect and look after ourselves and tough luck if other people get offended, this isn't about them. Please please don't let her come into the delivery room if you don't want her there. The thought of that breaks my heart. You are lucky that you have your husband to be the strong one in this situation.

I am just going to have to take a deep breath and bite the bullet with all this tomorrow. They may not like it but I am the wife and mother and it is my house. I am Aqua tiger, hear me roar! (she says quivering on ly slightly!) I don't know why I am being so pathetic about this. I guess I just don't want to upset anyone. I am feeling much more justified about it all now though after all your advice. I can't believe how many people have horror stories about this!

P.S. I love the quote from Debrett's Guide To Modern Manners - it made me laugh. So true from the sounds of things!

Whoops-no way!

Good for you Aqua.

Lynnie - maybe this might be a good time for the justified use of Little White Lies. Tell her the hospital will only allow one birth partner and no other visitors on Day 1. And that your dad will be around visiting when you get home, so to spare awkwardsness staying with you isn't an option. Or just tell her the truth - that you want to build a relationship with her and that you are pleased that she is so excited about your new baby, but it will take time.....

Thanks - it helps (even though its not a good thing that other people are being hassled too!)to know that I'm not the only one who has to bite the bullet about things that seem out of control. Or that I'm just too afraid to upset people to get into tiger mode :-)

I hope I dont wimp out, but fingers crossed hubby is in fact there (literally!) when I need him.

Hes a pussy cat most of the time but I reckon I can rely on him on this one. :-)

Good luck aquasea

Aqua i really feel for you. It must be horrible to argue with your HB over something that is supposed to be the best time of your newly married life together.

I'm due in May but luckily it's been my DH who has already said that he doesn't want anybody to stay with us until we are both comfortable with being "new parents", not sure how long that's going to take, but he understands how important it is to spend time together.

Does your HB realise that once you've had the baby it will be left HIM to look after his family once he comes home from worka and during the weekends. That's after he's done the food shopping, the cleaning, the washing, the ironing, the hoovering etc etc

I really hope you can sort this with your HB soon so that you can enjoy and relax for the rest of YOUR pregnancy.

Marymillington, be careful with little white lies.
My friend tried exactly that with her MIL. She told her MIL that there were hospital visiting rules as she didn't want a circus on day one, only to find out that MIL had already spoken to the hospital who told her it was fine to visit on the first day.

linniep - you will more than likely get lots of slow warning that you are starting labour - just don't tell your Mum. Surreptitiously call your DH on your mobile - have a code word!!

I was on the phone to my Mum when I was 5cm dilated, and didn't tell her I was in labour - to forestall her leaping onto a train!

I too am in the noooooooooooo camp.

Get your inlaws to join a house swap scheme and they can swap their home for free accommodation.

I would recommend www.homeforexchange.com or www.homeexchange.com both cheap to join.

Or where do you live maybe we can help you find some reasonably priced accommodation for them.

I would just ask your dh how he would feel about having your mum and dad to stay for if he was looking after a new baby, sleep deprived and you were at work all day. Can't imagine he'd like it very much!

OK, I can't thank you all enough for your advice and help. I have done the copy and paste thing in Word and edited the tread heavily (it's still 9 pages long!). I have printed it out and am going to show it to my lovely husband this weekend. Hopefully it will go some way to convincing him that I am not being unreasonable. I will let you know how it goes!

Thanks again.

Aqua xx

Aqua, good luck. I know it is so hard as dh will feel he is pig in the middle as I know my dh did/still does.

I really do think though that the focus MUST be on you and the baby and no-one else in those early and precious days and weeks.

Let us know how yuu get on. x

I am sure they are lovely people, and that they WILL help on a practical level. But it is still a big thing to have anyone living in your house for a month. I have 'abroad' ILs - MIL came for 5 weeks...it does leave you short of privacy. And you really do need time to get used to being parents - without having to be in your role as son and DIL at the same time.

It's not personal against your ILs at all - it's just the situation.

Aquasea - there is hope for the future by the way. After our disaster first time around, MIL was a complete star when I had ds. I was in hospital for 2 weeks. MIL stayed at my house and looked after dd (2y9mo) and cooked and cleaned and shopped and ... went home the instant I got out of hospital.

Good luck!

This thread has bought back horrible memories!!

4 hours after I had given birth and was getting to grips with BF, sitting on a massive episiotomy and bleeding like mad, my partners BROTHER and his MATE turned up at the hospital. They were both 17 at the time. WTF. Partner had sent them to check I was ok while he went out and wet the babys head.

When is acne covered brother asked me how I was and I said 'my nipples are sore and my private parts hurt' he looked close to tears!

The moral of the story?
New mums and family don't mix!!!!!

aqua. you are not completely wrong. you ARE COMPLETELY SPOT ON WITH YOUR HEAD SCREWED ON!! don't do it!!it is a recipie for family bust up disaster and severe marital breakdown!

It's so difficult when they're in a different country - because there's no point them flying long haul to stay 2 days, but then a hotel is really expensive for them if they stay a lot longer, on top of the flights - so what do you do? We're the ones in a different country from both sets of inlaws. I wanted my mum with me at the time of my c-section, so she came over the night before, dh was in the delivery room, but she stayed with me at the hotel and then for the next two weeks, at which point my dad came over and they moved to a hotel. She absolutely drove my husband crazy. I think he behaved pretty badly, but my mum is a nutter. But I really needed her and she did nothing but shop for us, clean, help me learn how to look after a baby, she was absolutely essential. For him, he just wanted to start being a family and couldn't bear it if she gave him any advice or told him how to hold her.

The day my parents left, his came for two weeks. I had been dreading it so much, but because they stayed in a hotel and had to come over, they were terrifically well behaved and no hassle at all. Yes, MIL's idea of helping was holding my baby for hours and hours and hours on end while I did laundry (my mum stuck the baby in my arms and hoovered and changed my sheets and made me buns and did night feeds when I hadn't slept for days) - but my PILs just weren't the trouble I expected them to be.

The key thing is, if parents stay with you, someone will go mad. If they're in a hotel, all will be fine because you have just enough time to see your dh alone and scream until you're sane. Don't worry too much. My friend says, about in-laws, just wave and smile, wave and smile, they'll soon be gone.

I too live on the other side of the world from parents and ILs. Am expecting another baby in March and just have to add my two pence worth.
When my MIL comes to stay for 2 weeks every year WITHOUT the added stress of a new baby, she drives me absolutely insane. Same with FIL and we have a guest bedroom on the other side of the house, which is just as well as they both go to the loo all night long. I guarantee that oldies all do this and if their constant lights on/door creaking/flushing doesn't wake the baby up, you will be lying there, FUMING and grinding your teeth.
You WILL need that bathroom for yourself only. You may have to know how stressful it is, trying to evacuate a No 2 with stitches/tear/general birth trauma and you don't need someone hovering outside, wondering "if you're finished yet". And if you have a soaked maternity pad with something ressembling a lump of raw liver on it, it needs to be changed NOW and not after your PIL have finished showering.
You WILL need your second bedroom for yourselves/the baby. I know the advice is from HVs that baby should sleep in your room etc for the first 6 months, but frequently, one of you will desperately need to get away from the noise and get some sleep. I can think of no better way of starting a hissing screaming match with your DH at 2am than being stuck in a tiny bedroom with a screaming baby, stressing because your PILs are next door and there is NO ESCAPE.
Don't even get me started on establishing breastfeeding, leaking sore boobs, of necessity flashing acres of boob around, breast pads turning up everywhere, intimate laundry needing to be dried.......
This is just to give you some idea of the NEED for physical privacy after giving birth. Not to mention the NEED to bond as a family, without well meaning but interfering ILs ruining the experience. YOur DH is so very wrong to try to insist that they stay and you must stand your ground.
I have never read such a unanimous thread!