Parents in law staying with us after the birth? - Advice please!

[aquasea]

Hi everyone,

I was wondering if anyone could offer me some advice. I am currently pregnant with my first baby (due end of May). The problem I have is that my husband's parents live in Australia. They want to come over after the birth and stay with us. We will be in a tiny two bedroom cottage. I have said that they can come 4 weeks after the birth. I think they are a bit put out by that (and I don't think my husband is that happy either). I am just worried that having a tiny new baby (especially with it being the first), adjusting to being a mum, breastfeeding...all that stuff will be very stressful and that having the in-laws there will be the last thing I will need. Perhaps I am completely wrong though. Having never done any of this before I would really love some advice from those of you that have had babies!!

thanks,
Aqua xx

I think 4 weeks is still a bit young 6 weeks plus much better when baby is awake more and hopefully you have recovered etc. Perhaps point out to all concerned that you want to enjoy the coming to visit and be in your own routine etc up to going out and about etc. Plus it will be the summer months so you can spend more time in the garden/out & about etc.

I think you just need to restate over and over again that you really want them to come but when the baby is older - after all they can't breastfeed it for you so they won't be able to help and when they're little they do tend to b/f 24/7 an awful lot etc.

Good luck

I would have thought the one-bathroom situation was grounds enough to say no.

Get em into the local travelodge. Booking this early might mean a cheap 20 quid a night deal is possible.

Don't do it. As someone else has mentioned, you could go 2 weeks overdue and then your little one would only be 2 weeks old when they show up. Depending on how things have gone you might be still in hospital. Or like my neighbour, her dd arrived 5 weeks early whilst they were away down south visiting parents. The baby was in and out of hospital a few times (is absolutely fine now) but they didn't make it back up here for about 8 weeks in total.

Can you suggest they book tickets at short notice once you know what is what after the baby has arrived?

It really doesn't sound like there will be enough space, and that they could seriously get on your wick with their acres of experience and wisdom. They need to stay elsewhere so that you can feel at home in your home. You are much more important in this situation than they are!

Thanks for all the congrats on the wedding! It feels like a long time ago now - so much has happened!

themoon - I need more specifics!! Why is having one bathroom grounds enough? Seriously... will I need it lots 4 weeks after I give birth? I need concrete evidence I can give to DH and the inlaws! Something that will make sense to everyone...and is preferrable indisputable.

aquasea - just to put my two-penneth worth in...

My DS was born on a Friday. My parents came on the Monday; my Mum literally fell over the front step with excitement coming in.

They stayed a couple of days, my in-laws arrived on the Friday. On the Friday evening, my DH's bro & wife also came for the evening.

My over-riding memory of that night is feeling knackered after my parents' stay, zonked in the arm chair watching DH's mother cook tea for everyone in MY kitchen while they all passed MY child around. The hormones had really kicked in at that point and the animalistic urge to scream, 'Give me MY baby back!' was unreal.

It's the strongest feeling I've ever felt in my life.

You are not being AT ALL unreasonable asking them to hold back a bit - and echo Caligula when she said, "anyone who doesn't remember the chaos of the first few weeks of having a baby has a very bad memory."

Of course they're really excited etc but you need space.

Congrats and good luck x.

Just that one bathroom scenario is terribly stressful for all.
Plenty of heavy duty toilet action.

Yuck.

MAgicGenie

I actually stood at the top of the stairs, stark naked (I couldn't get my knickers on and had been shouting for help) and shouted

'GIVE ME MY BABY BACK'

I am cringing just htinking about it. I couldn't bear them touching him, I couldnt' stand their smell on him it was horrid.

Why I wish we had more than 1 bathoom...

1. urgent dashes to the loo with a wrecked pelvic floor mean you need to know it's free!

1. 4 adults using 1 loo (and 1 shower) day and night = lots of opportunity to wake up a sleeping baby. I don't mind if dh doesn't flush the loo after him while dd is asleep in the next room, but I'd definately object if pil didn't flush the loo

1. No guests mean you can leave your huge packs of maternity pads wherever you like in the bathroom!

I'm sure I could think of more!

Haven't read the whole thread ... but thought I'd share my experience.

BY COINCIDENCE my FIL and BIL arrived to stay about (?can't quite remember?) 5 days after ds (my first) was born - my MIL was in the states, and they were due to stay with us in order to pick her up from the airport. DS was 4 weeks early, so we hadn't expected this. I just wanted to be on my own with hubby & ds. The whole thing was made worse by the fact that they are not the sort of people to look after themselves - so me & dh were sorting out food etc for us all...Then there's all the stuff to do with being a first time mum .... trying to bf with the most embarresing possible people in the house - not great; having m/w examine my stitches whilst they watched cricket next door - yup, great.
What was worst for me was that dh was torn between wanting to look after his family and wanting to look after me - ME< ME< ME !!!!! I vividily remember sitting upstairs sobbing on my bed saying to dh - if your brother doesn't do something to help me soon, I am going to KILL him. MAKE HIM PUT THE WASHING OUT!!!! Dh went and put the washing out...!

THEN MIL arrived - bringing another (unexpected) guest who also wanted to see baby. MIL to be fair actually was fab, in as much as she made tea for herself. BUT after a day & a half of all of them in the house (6 people in a 3 bed house) I sat MIL down and explained I thought we needed some space to get used to being a family. She TOTALLY understood and they were gone 45 mins later!!

I WISH I'd just been honest up-front and told them we didn't want them staying.

I should say when my second was born, I ASKED them to come & stay - they are now much more helpful than my own parents, so it really isn't that they are a nightmare. I just think that what you do NOT need in those magical/awful early days is anymore stress - and (unless your ILs are amazing...) they WILL be more stress.

I think there would be a real danger you'd fall out with them - your hormones will be telling you some wieeerrddd things.

Oh, and I think no, don't let them stay - hotel all the way!

Exactly ... one bathroom is just ok with two adults and one baby.

I could give loads of reasons why, but its TMI. I will only say one thing.... flooded maternity pads do NOT wait for MiL to get out of her bath.

If its specific facts you need to give them, then say your HV says you are likely to need that bathroom all to yourself for the first 6 weeks at least. Say HV says it will be classed as overcrowding to have 4 adults in the house for those first months. Say baby may be classed as 'at risk' due to overcrowded house and stress to you may cause you untold problems.

Lay it on thick.

NO NO NO NO NO AND ABSOLUTELy NO!!!!!!!!!!

This thread has brought up really bad memories, won't go into too much detail, but lets say that I didn't really start to feel dd1 was my baby, until mil left (after a 3 week stay, dd1 was about 5 weeks).Hated every single moment and have had huge problems with her ever since. My confidence about the new baby never had the time to build up while she was there, even though she wasn't too intrusive, but she was THERE all the time, I didn't even have the courage to take dd1 out, because she was so apprehensive (and I'm not usually, but being my first baby, it just rubbed out on me). And I had known her for a long time (unlike you).

I was so horrible I kept thinking about it, I desperately wanted another baby to enjoy those precious first few weeks together!!

Second time round, I managed to keep her off until dd2 was about 5-6 wks, but my own mum stayed for the first 3 (but having an older child we had to have someone, all our relatives live abroad) so we onl ahd a couple of weeks on our own but they made all the difference, dd1 was at nursery and I could finally enjoy my baby the way I could never do with dd1.

If I went back, I wouldn't have anyone until I was ready with dd1.
I have given the same advice to everyone I know. I know its difficult, when I approached the subject of wanting to spend time with dd2 alone this time, dh snapped at me 'my mum IS coming', so I had to be very diplomatic...I just said that I thought we needed time alone as a family and that a couple of weeks would not have made a huge difference to her, and organised a weekend away for us.

This has touched a raw nerve with me, after 6 years it still brings tears to my eyes and I'm so glad I've had the chance to do things differentl with dd2, but your first child is very special, and ou all need time to adjust to the new baby and our new responsibilities as parents (it can be overwhelming), you don't need an added pressure.

Best of luck with dh!!

(sorry about the long post)

aquasea - the best thing you can say that is indisputable is 'i dont want people staying in my house, i want my own space'. if you bring up problems then people will find solutions and you will have to bring up another problem. there is no way they can work around 'i dont want them staying here'. its not unreasonable, it is your house and so its your decision. there are alternatives, they just dont like them.

Good post Webmum.
New mother's wishes are paramount.
Anyone who doesn't get that is not worth listening to.

Having had PIL for 3 weeks after dd's birth like Webmum I am still traumatised Dd was 2 weeks old when they arrived and dh didn't take a day off work whilst HIS parents were here. Still haven't forgiven or forgotten. I won't go into the details but basically end result is I have a very cool relationship with his mother (his dad has since died) as I found her unhelpful and overbearing - her intentions may have been good but what she wanted and her feelings seemed to matter more than mine . When ds was born they came for a 4 day visit and then ADIOS!! Dh didn't really consult me on how long they were coming for so he is at fault as well. Get your dh to see you point of view is my advise and then let him explain to his parents.

Hi

Please. Don't. Do. It. To. Yourself.

Speaking from bitter experience.

I agree that it is maybe a bit harsh to make them wait 4 weeks to see the new baby but why can't they stay in a nearby hotel? The last thing you need for at least 6 weeks is houseguests - believe me.

Have just read the thread .... hummm, fairly consistant, isn't it?! So, how to convince dh (and then it's his job to convince ILs, imho) .... I really would explain your concerns, that you don't KNOW how you'll be feeling and don't want things to get off on the wrong foot with ILs (congrats on the wedding, btw!) Expain that you don't want them to be hurt and you really want them to be an important part of your los life (blar-di-blar) - my ideal opion would be they come later AND stay elsewhere - a 2 bed house is a tight squeeze no matter what age your lo is.
Do you have a good mutual friend or two who has alreayd had kids and could talk to him about how much time & space you need to adapt to being a parent?

Nooooooooooooo! Don't do it!

Haven't time to read the thread, sorry.

When dd was 2 weeks old, my ILs came to stay. Sort of. I'd invited them to come for tea one afternoon, thinking a couple of hours max. We were due to see them at my SIL's wedding 2 weeks later, all staying in the same hotel for a weekend (that's another story!). Anyway they booked in to a b&b near us. But they showed up at our house before I'd had breakfast or got dressed and stayed until long after I wanted to go to bed in the evening. Then they did it again the next day. And the next. On day 4 I sat on the floor and cried and begged dh to make them go away. So he did. He didn't really understand why I was so desperate, but he recognised a homicidal woman when he saw one. And my ILs are lovely.

Baby no 2, I'd quite happily hand over to anyone who'd hold him, and have the world and their auntie to stay in return for a bit of washing-up. But your first baby is different.

Can your ILs rent a holiday cottage near to you? Cheaper than a hotel.

Can you give this thread to your dh and possibly your ILs?

If they must stay with you, could you tell them that they are completely in charge of all food shopping and cooking while they are with you, and you are looking after the baby?

But if possible make sure they don't stay with you, and also don't eat with you too much (because my ILs didn't stay with us but I didn't notice that they weren't sleeping in my house, they were there the rest of the time).

Can you say to them "lots of friends have advised me that having you to stay after the birth of my first child could wreck my relationship with you forever, and I don't want to risk that because you are lovely"?

aquasea, do the Word thing and edit this thread, then click on 'contact us' at the top of this page and send Mumsnet an email asking for them to delete this thread.

sorry, that was quite bossy! that's something you can do, rather than have to do....

gigglinggoblin's post rocks absolutely.

And don't fall for the "Oh we'll do all the cooking/shopping/cleaning etc so you can concentrate on the baby" routine - in my experience that will be bolo*s - people are just not like that - especially in someone else's house. I remember the day I came out of hospital to a house full of: my mother, brother, sister and partner, MIL, FIL, BIL & SIL - after a traumatic 4 day stay in hospital with no sleep since the night I went into labour, virtually fainting with hunger and fatigue but just could not get it together enough to make something to eat, lo hadn't established feeding yet, I had to feed him with syringes which needed sterilised, we had no formula milk and the shops were shut as it was new years day, I didn't know how to work the breast pump and the only person who did anything practical for me was my sister-in-law, bless her, who made me a sandwich and set up the sterliliser for me, for which I am eternally grateful to this day.

It was without a doubt one of the worse days of my life and not at all what I had planned to introduce my baby to his new home, it just added to the extreme exhaustion that I then couldn't shake for weeks. I should have got home and gone straight to bed with my baby and not got out for the next week or so. That is what I will be doing this time around. I am still bitter about it 2 years later and my family are actually generally nice people.

I repeat - DON'T DO IT!! If your family love you they will understand.

OK, I feel quite resolved after all this. Not a single person here thinks it is a good idea (and most seem to think it will be disasterous). Everything you have all said makes 100% sense. Before I show him this thread (as I don't really want him to see it because he could get upset!) I am going to try to talk to him and take the following points you guys have raised:-

1. only 1 bathroom - waiting for the loo while dealing with weakened pelvic floor muscles, maternity pads, possible tears/stiches...

2. feeling hormonal and territorial

3. the fact that I will be looking after them (it's a good point that even though they intend to help, they will still be guests)

4. his attention will be on them at a time when I might be feeling really vulnerable and needing him

5. if it goes wrong I could resent him/his parents for a long time and I don't want that

6. and I think most importantly... while it is nice that eveyone is excited, I am the most important person here. Without me, none of this would be happening and I need to be respected.

OK, so this is potentially going to make me very unpopular for a while (and I am sure my ears will be burning for the next few weeks) but it would be far worse if they stay and I completely lose it and end up screaming something terrible at them. The damage could be irreparable.

That sounds great aquasea.

If I were you, to soften the blow, I'd also say it's about you and him. And you not being a couple any more but a family. And you both need time to adjust to that and learn together about your new baby and how to do stuff together without any outside interference

Thanks for the advice about getting mumsnet to delete this thread, Choosyfloosy! I didn't know that was possible. That is exactly what I will do. And Gigglinggoblin, you are completely right. I need to stop being such a pussy about this and tell it how it is. I don't think it is unreasonable (although I am sure they will disagree).