Parents in law staying with us after the birth? - Advice please!

[aquasea]

Hi everyone,

I was wondering if anyone could offer me some advice. I am currently pregnant with my first baby (due end of May). The problem I have is that my husband's parents live in Australia. They want to come over after the birth and stay with us. We will be in a tiny two bedroom cottage. I have said that they can come 4 weeks after the birth. I think they are a bit put out by that (and I don't think my husband is that happy either). I am just worried that having a tiny new baby (especially with it being the first), adjusting to being a mum, breastfeeding...all that stuff will be very stressful and that having the in-laws there will be the last thing I will need. Perhaps I am completely wrong though. Having never done any of this before I would really love some advice from those of you that have had babies!!

thanks,
Aqua xx

I discovered this thread last week and have been following it since. PIL 4 weeks after birth staying 2 weeks is a big no no for your own sanity !

I'm pregnant with my 2nd due on 10th of May and I already organised my schedule : 2 weeks with my husband and DD after birth then my mum comes to help for a week THEN my PIL can come (but no needs taking suitcase with them as they can choose to come or the sat afternoon or sunday).

When I had my first DD, I stayed 5 days in C&W because DD had jaundice. My PIL had been harrassing my husband all the week to come to see DD without caring about how I felt AND they were being choosy about the day to come because they had a Motorbike exibition to go. DH and I were arguing in the hospital because of them instead of enjoying our DD.

They came on the sunday (not even 24 hours after I came back from hospital) and my MIL spent the afternoon asking me to put myself this way or that way in a front of the camera.
Since that day, I never really liked my MIL and she came only one afternoon.
So don't take any risk, Just say Nooooooo !

My MIL came to stay for a week when ds1 and 2 were 3 weeks old, and when ds3 was 2 weeks old - because I insisted that she did. Also had my Mum stay when ds1 and 2 were 2 weeks old. I found having people there when dh went back to work was amazingly useful.
They came to help me - I didn't have to look after them / wait on them etc they did that for me which was great. They cleaned / cooked / looked after the children etc. I do have a very relaxed close relationship with MIL, so if I needed time alone I could tell her.
Didn't have FIL there as he was working, but he was there for the weekend.
I am going against the general consensus though - I also like to have as many visitor in the first few weeks as possible - as that is the time that I can sit down and they can all help themselves to food / drinks that dh has got ready!!

lisalisa's is the only positive IL story I've ever heard.

Everyone else's seem to be either too selfish or too insensitive to do anything other than drive new mums to near-breakdown.

Imo it is hard for them of course, if my sons ever have kids I will be itching to see and hold them. But so many of them just want to appropriate the child as a trophy with NO actual intention to help with any of the hard labour involved in caring for them. And they just don't understand that they're invading someone else's space. And when you tell them outright, they go into a strop (well mine did- so mature).

I am feeling a lot more justified now in banning MIL until DS2 is old enough to be taken up to her place 250 miles away, with DH. This is what she seems to want most anyway as she appears desperate to relive DH's 'perfect' babyhood through MY children grrrr.

Yes, it definitely seems that the positive IL experiences are very few and far between. I can see how it could work in an ideal world - if you had the space and they were particularly sensitive (Lisalisa, your MIL insisting on retiring at 9pm every night is the sweetest thing I have ever heard - she was giving you and your DH some time to yourselves) but it seems that sadly the majority of experiences aren't like this.

we just have to ensure that when we mothers of sons become MILs (if we are so lucky!) we will be as sensitive as lisalisa's

Can I add another positive experience? Again, we asked my stepMIL to come over for DS2's birth so that she could be there to look after DS1 when we went to the hospital. She was with us for a week after the birth, and it really helped having her around. She helped with DS1, did all the ironing and washing, and generally was just one of the family. My mum came to stay with me when DS1 was born (as I remember her mum doing when my sisters and I were born) and to be honest, I thought that this was absolutely normal behaviour. I have always assumed that my boys would want either me or their MIL at the house when their children were born because of the help that it can be and I am stunned by the way so many messages on here emphasise that the birth experience should only be for husband and wife. Maybe it is because we live so far away from my parents and those of DH so the trips to come and stay were very important to me.

You are a very sensible person, great mother's intuition. Stick to your guns, my mil flew in on her broomstick 8 days after the birth of my ds although I asked her not to and it was terrible, she interferred, didn't realise how fragile I was and expected to be served dinner, tea and be entertained after a c section and no sleep for a week, we fell out and DH spend his whole paternity leave with her out sightseeing. Have time to settle in, recover physically, mentally, catch up on your sleep and have time with your DH to really bond and enjoy the first days. Good luck.

Libra, I don't think people are saying that the birth experience should only be for husband and wife...at least that isn't the message I have taken from all these posts. Ideally it would be lovely to have parents and inlaws around to help and share this special time but it seems that a LOT of them are totally insensitive to the needs of new parents.

in an ideal caring world the birth experience would not be for husband and wife only. But we are very far from that with most of our family relationships it appears.

Surely, also, the mother's feelings are paramount at this most sensitive of times for her, and inlaw relationships with mothers are rarely close. A lot of the posters on here feel/felt differently about having their own parents around, as they are just emotionally closer to them and able to be honest.

haven't read all the posts, but in case it helps, I was in pretty much the same position. my in laws were due to arrive from NZ a week or so before our due date and were planning on being here for the first 8 weeks.

I was horrified at this thought but agreed to have a quiet life!

As it was our ds was born 8 weeks early and PILs arrived 6 weeks after his birth and stayed for 8 weeks.

it was tough but I did bond very well with MIL although I would have happily strangled FIL at the end of it .

don't know if it helps but MIL was much more of a help and by that time i was glad of having someone who could help out!

Your mil's understanding of becoming a mum may be affected by the stuff that went on in her day. Circa mid 1970's, new mums were totally patronised in hospital, and by their mothers and mils and were expected to follow the older generation's advice. Some of 'em want to perpetuate the misery to our generation: No chance!

Having said that, I would have been happy for just my mil to stay in our 2-bed 1 bathroom for my second (definitely not my first), but she insisted on fil coming as well (pushing eighty with a weak bladder). We compromised, and it was just daytrips for them from my sil's mil which worked out splendidly.

This has been a really great thread. I'm due my first LO soon and I hadn't really given any thought as to how I wanted to manage visits & help etc from my own parents, my PiL and others. The experiences people have put in here have made me realise that I need to have some sort of policy in place beforehand or I am liable to become swamped. I get on well with both sets of parents, and both Mum and MiL have said they will come and help as requested, rather than just appearing, which is great, but I still think I need to be wary. DP has already been trying to arrange "private time" for his parents to meet the LO without others around in case they find it emotional, which basically means he wants me to ask my parents to leave when his arrive. It doesn't occur to him that at that point in time such niceties are liable to be the last thing on my mind.

Let me get this straight, you're moving house between now and May. That makes things easier, just don't unpack for a while and store the boxes in the spare room .

Congratulations so far in talking to dh. He probably hasn't even thought how much a lack of sleep and privacy will affect him. He's going to need 'chill out' time away from his parents too.

I wouldn't let my in laws stay as they are very much like children themselves and I would have to look after them.
I have 3 children. I have usually had Dh at home for the first few daysthen had a few days on my own then my parents stay for upto 5 days then DH takes a week off after that. My MIL came to visit for an hour a few days after the birth. My FIL came when all the babies were at least 3 weeks old as he's not keen on babies!

It was friends that I found the hardest to deal with. Although it was lovely to see them and they meant well, they came at the most awkward times and didn't call beforehand.
I think the thought that because I only stayed in hospital for the manditory 6 hours after birth, that I was ready to be bombarded with well wishes expecting cuddles with baby whilst I made cups of tea!
All I wanted was to be in my own home with my new baby and their sibling(s).

Sorry that turned into a rant!!

I was given a great piece of advice which is don't have any visitors on days three/four when your milk comes in, just go to bed with your LO and concentrate on feeding. We didn't manage this as I was still in hospital and MIL hanging around waiting for us to come out, but I was very hormonal and weepy. I SO wish that we had and next time that will be non-negotiable.

I reckon the thing to do is to get everyone to come for an hour on the first day when you are so high you don't care and then get them all to clear off for a couple of weeks. They are thrilled to have seen the LO so early and you are still wired. And what better reason to limit visits than that you have only just given birth.

Ricepudding has some good advice there - all visitors to be avoided when milk comes in with first LO. It also depends on how efficient at positioning / feeding / latching on you are as a team - DD and I were rubbish at first and she lost a whole pound in the first few days making me more upset (it was just as well she was big at birth). DS was a dream, but best to err on the side of caution I reckon... DD and I were fine after chatting with a councillor - as I had got pretty sore by then. It would have been awkward to have had FIL there at the time - bad enough with my Mum!

Someone told me that when they had their baby they had what they called a 'babymoon'. You get a honeymoon after you're married so why not a babymoon? They had no visitors for the first few days. It was just them and their new baby.

I think someone should write an article in Saga magazine, subtly hinting "keep away" at birth of any grandchildren...

when we had our first child 10yrs ago my mother in-law stayed with us a week,and it was the best thing for all 3 of us.she cooked,cleaned and kept an eye on the little one when i slept during the day.
maybe it's just the person she, is but she helped rather than interfered.
with my following two pregnancies she spent time with us and gave attention to the other chilren when i could'nt.
now i'm back to work,twice a week,she has cut down from 5 days to 4 to look after our 18month old,free of charge.

i say take all the help you can get !!!

Aquasea, consider this, you may or may not have an easy birth. You may be in physical discomfort 4 weeks after the birth particularly if you go overdue. If you are like 99.9% of new mums, you'll probably be really really tired, stressed out, worried about a zillion things, ecstatically happy about your new little bundle of love, and your hormones will still be raging all over the place and you may or may not still be struggling with breastfeeding (if you choose to do so).

My mil arrived for the weekend, 3 weeks after our gorgeous baby boy was born. After cooing over him for a while we started chatting about the birth. I had a very distressing 2 weeks going overdue and a very painful inducement. I had internal stitches and felt like I was peeing razorblades for a few weeks after giving birth. It was also a very stressful time - as a new mum I was exhausted, nervous that i was doing everything wrong and just plain full of moments of exhaustion and elation at having my baby as well as still being really sore down below! Instead of sympathising about the difficult birth, my mil's exact words were "Oh well, never mind,there are a lot of women who've had it a lot worse than you dear. At least you didn't have a c-section." She then continued cooing over baby boy. I wanted to scream at her and shake her and tell her to get out of my house! I'm sure to this day, 9 months on, she has no idea how much those words upset me. Even now, everytime she visits, I get parenting tips and comments on my inability to express a full 8oz of breastmilk right through to the food I give to baby and to the safety of his toys!!! Get the picture?

So, my suggestion is this - compromise and let them come over, but under NO circumstances should they stay in your house. You say you live in a 2 bed house, well put it to them this way, do they really want to be woken up at least 3 times a night by a screaming baby? Get your hubby to research reasonable hotels/guest houses and be firm about this. Honestly, you may end up seriously damaging your relationship with them forever if you don't set boundaries and give in and then end up resenting it forever. This time is about you, hubby and baby bonding and I think family shoudl be sensitive to that and put your needs first. I think it's nice that tehy want to visit, but you will live to regret it if you let them stay. Just think about how anxious it makes you feel NOW - then imagine how you will feel when they are actually here, in your house, trying to 'help' but pissing you off! Good luck!

I've been having in-law trouble today and this thread's made me feel all resentful and nasty again.

It's so easily done. It's just awful when they present perfectly reasonable answers to problems that aren't essentially rational.

I think they sound like essentially helpful people. Could you present the idea of accommodation elsewhere in terms of: "I think someone should be fresh if LO is screaming all night. If you're off site, you're getting a good night's sleep and can take over in the daytime and let me get some kip!"

I think that you really need to consider the fact that these people are going to be in your life now, until the day they die. Get yourselves off on the right foot and grandparents can be a total joy.

I may be doing it wrong, though...

Hi everyone... just thought I would update you...

My darling husband has just spoken to his parents and explained clearly to them the reasons they can't stay with us. It is apparently all sorted! Hooray. I can't tell you what a weight that is off my shoulders.

Thank you all so much for your advice and support, I really wouldn't have been able to do this without you.

thanks again,
Aqua xx

Fantastic! Well done!