Parents in law staying with us after the birth? - Advice please!

[aquasea]

Hi everyone,

I was wondering if anyone could offer me some advice. I am currently pregnant with my first baby (due end of May). The problem I have is that my husband's parents live in Australia. They want to come over after the birth and stay with us. We will be in a tiny two bedroom cottage. I have said that they can come 4 weeks after the birth. I think they are a bit put out by that (and I don't think my husband is that happy either). I am just worried that having a tiny new baby (especially with it being the first), adjusting to being a mum, breastfeeding...all that stuff will be very stressful and that having the in-laws there will be the last thing I will need. Perhaps I am completely wrong though. Having never done any of this before I would really love some advice from those of you that have had babies!!

thanks,
Aqua xx

I'd still say no, but my experience of inlaws to stay after birth of DD1 was surprisingly ok. Pre-children, all they would do when they came to stay was sit, sit, sit, watch tv, read the paper, and I'd make them endless cups of coffee. Was really dreading them coming 2 weeks after caesarean birth as was so hormonal and tearful. But MIL came armed with food (homecooked, although we only ever eat M&S ready-made at their house)and FIL even ironed (hasn't done this with any subsequent grandchildren). BUT I did feel awkward as they were leaving, and I was sitting breastfeeding and FIL leant down to kiss baby's head - his lips were only centimetres from my stilton-like engorged breasts! Not something I'd like to repeat (maybe that explains why I bottle-fed the other 2 children). Good luck Aqua.

Congratulations Aquasea, honesty wins out in the end!

Just got to say that I find my in laws easier to deal with than my parents becuase I do really feel I can be honest with them and that they will appreciate it.

I made it a condition to me afreeing to be preganant that my mother in law would come stay with us. I knew I wouldnt have a clue what to do. She was a great help while she was here. She made everything seems soo easy. I didnt realise how much work she did until she left.

I too am pregnant and due to have my third child in 5 weeks time (ish). When I had my second my inlaws came to stay and said they would help out (ha ha ha) and I was particularly looking forward to them taking our other child out for the whole day (thier suggestion). They were actually out of the house for only one and a half hours !

I was absolutely shattered.

Stick to your guns and encourage them to come along a few weeks later (dont forget baby might not be one time). That will give you the chance for establishing your feeding and so on. Then when they arrive you might even have the energy for a few trips out as a family.

My sister in law called last night and offered that her and her family would stay at a local hotel when they visit the new baby. I replied that they could stay here and i would go to the hotel !

Take care of yourself first ! Good luck.

Ban house guests for the first six weeks lest you slaughter them in a period of sleep deprived psychotic frenzy

Seriously I refused to check out of the hospital before my MiL left - but to her credit she cleaned my house and retreated to a safe distance (200 miles away).

Shea hid things she didn't approve of, including strangely, the can opener. Later she admitted she didn't like the thought of me feeding her son tinned food. We ONLY use the can opener for cat food FFS!

I did a blanket ban for six weeks on people staying and three weeks for booked visitors (two hours max, max two a day). I said my midwife had strongly recommended it because I would need bonding time. She didn't...but if people think it's 'doctors orders' they tend to obey!

Would just like to add, we're in the Bahamas, & my parents came to stay from 2 weeks before till 2 weeks after. It was nice to have someone to help with the cooking, cleaning, etc. BUT, the whole thing was much more stressful for having other people around ALL the time. I never had a chance to breathe!

Am remembering the holiday I booked for Pils DH Mum me and 4month old DS1 arguments over feeding sleeping road safety and going back to work. I nearly jumped off a cliff then realised that I had everything Mil wanted - her son and grandson and since the live 170 miles away they would HAVE to work with me for access... stopped feeling quite so desperate immediately. Much easier to be gracious when you have some power!

I have a great relationship with and the utmost respect for my inlaws but there is no way I could have managed with them in the house, even 4 weeks after the birth. Husbands don't tend to realise the effort that goes into having someone stay - making up beds, tidying the house and having to think about what to cook for dinner each night (when all you want is beans on toast in front of the telly before retiring to bed at 8pm).

Perhaps suggest they come a few months down the line - that way you will have got into the swing of things and feel a bit more sorted. It takes a long time to adjust to having a new baby in the house. At 4 weeks I was still shuffling around with leaky boobs and crying over things like having to change the bin bag .

If you have a small house perhaps sort them out a hotel? That way they can lend a hand during the day but have a place to escape to so you all get a break.

Best of luck with it - stick to your guns! If your man objects remind him it's you that has to give birth

oh NO! DON'T LET THEM COME SO SOON AFTER!! NO NO NO NONONONONO!!!
in those first days/weeks, "live-in" in-laws and even close relatives are NOT a help. no matter how good their intentions may be. at that time they are a BURDEN (unless you find yourself alone with a newborn,in which case they are a lifesaver).
my parents (who live across the atlantic) bought tickets to come visit me 2 DAYS after my estimated due date.
luckily my son came 3 weeks early because the dad son and i needed every single one of those days in those three weeks.
you need the time to make bonds, to make breast feeding work, rest, glow, and enjoy every second of your "new life".
be firm about this.
you will never ever regret having decided to keep this time for yourself.

I didn't realise it was so unusual to want to have people to stay with you! But then with my Mum or MIL I didn't have to think about dinner, making beds, tidying up etc - I thought that was the point of having them to stay?! Also, dh was perfectly capable of tidying up or cooking.

You are SO doing the right thing. My in-laws came over from Ireland when my baby girl was 2 weeks old. They also brought DH's younger sister. Nightmare. I felt unable to breast feed in my own living room and at one point was sitting on the floor (still sore from stiches!) as both the sofas were taken. No one got up!

I just consoled myself that they hadn't followed through with their "great idea" of coming to live in our village for a year. Thank goodness they didn't!

They haven't been over since last May - I think I've upset them!

Aquasea - I'm so glad you have sorted this out - I only just spotted this thread and it brought back so many memories! My parents only live 100 miles away and they wanted to stop with us - also probs with money for hotels etc!! I agonised over what to do for ages and it really stressed me out before the birth. In the end they did stay with us - mom for a week while dad went back after 2 days. It was nice to have a bit of help and support BUT very hard not to be able to have a break from it and after a week I couldn't wait for her to GO!! It sounds like you are still getting to know you husband let alone your in-laws and this is really the last thing you need. If there's any more talk of not affording somewhere to stop, find a cheap local B&B or houseshare and offer to go halves on the cost - that should make them stop and think and it will be worth the potential struggle to pay for it to keep you sanity and your relationship intact!!

I didn't read all of this but it has made me feel so much better!!! My sil came to stay with us when we were waiting for our 2nd to arrive. We had just moved to our town, knew no-one and had no family around. SIL was at loose ends, so she came to stay so that she could look after our son when i was in labour. We have very different housecleaning styles and me, being in the nesting stage went all hormonal at any little mess(in a silent seething, glaring kind of way). I still remember throwing clothes in the dryer, slamming the door and shooting her filthies. Poor girl, i do love her to bits, but it was not ideal! Its been five years and she's only just come back to our house for a visit- its taken this long to pluck up the courage! Please don't have your pils stay!!!

My parents live in Scotland (I am in London) and my DH was adamant that he did not want anyone staying in our house when we came home with the baby as it was "our time" without anyone peering over our shoulders, etc. My mum came up with the solution that she and dad would come down to stay with us for the week before my due date and would stay until I had the baby. They then came and saw DD and I in hospital the morning after she was born, and then they went home. They came back 3 weeks later as it was Christmas (and I have to say I was really grateful to have them back!) - not sure about DH!

Good luck.

Oh Lord I've got this problem, but its my own Parents who are packing their bags. I'm just gonna say No when it comes to it. If they complain thats OK I'm the one who says what goes. But I am going to leave it to last minute so no fuss and stress will be coming my way before hand.

Six weeks, ABSOLUTE MINIMUM before you contemplate having anyone to stay post-baby, unless they're people you are incredibly comfortable with and can be TOTALLY honest with. I have horrendous memories of DS2 breastfeeding, in a sling at one week old and me cooking dinner for in-laws and feeling just desperate

Hey I was just updating my watched thread list and wondered how Aquasea is doing? She was due end of May...

Oh god YANBU!!

So wish I'd read this thread last summer when expecting DC2!

DH's parents arrived barely 1 week after the birth and stayed a whole bloody month!

He knew I wasn't happy with them staying at all and his complete lack of balls to stand up to his mother has shifted my view of him entirely, and not in a good way.

I felt it completely undermined me and our relationship still hasn't really recovered. Plus my in-laws now thinking I'm a bit crazy (thanks to post partum hormones & finding cramped living unbearable) after having many years of getting on well with them.

DO NOT DO IT!

Nooooooo

now realised this is a zombie thread, posting on my phone didn't see any warning!

If nothing else maybe it'll help other pregnant women in a similar situation...

@aquasea I'm not sure whether anyone else has said, but, I had advice from a friend who recently gave birth. She said you will want NOBODY staying with you. Can they stay at a hotel?