Parents in law staying with us after the birth? - Advice please!

[aquasea]

Hi everyone,

I was wondering if anyone could offer me some advice. I am currently pregnant with my first baby (due end of May). The problem I have is that my husband's parents live in Australia. They want to come over after the birth and stay with us. We will be in a tiny two bedroom cottage. I have said that they can come 4 weeks after the birth. I think they are a bit put out by that (and I don't think my husband is that happy either). I am just worried that having a tiny new baby (especially with it being the first), adjusting to being a mum, breastfeeding...all that stuff will be very stressful and that having the in-laws there will be the last thing I will need. Perhaps I am completely wrong though. Having never done any of this before I would really love some advice from those of you that have had babies!!

thanks,
Aqua xx

Got to add a big NO don't do it....unless you have an amazing good relationship with them and/or you are so chilled that you don't care what they think of you, it is far too stressful a time. You will be knackered, you will not have the time/energy to 'entertain' them, you will be trying to adjust to this new being in life.......
I managed a week of my mum, but she was my mum and I could tell her to butt out or do the washng up or walk the dog, I would have flatly refused to have dp's mum to stay...

Im facing the same thing, MIL lives in portugal and whilst she lived here with us me and her did not get on!

We did plan on buying her plane tickets and her coming to stay for a week once baby was around 6 weeks old. Now she wants to come for 2 weeks! Not sure when but luckily even DP thinks two weeks is too much, cosidering we will be over there at xmas for aweek too!

Im dreading it tbh, 2 weeks with the MIL DP will be back at work by then, ds at school so it will be me and her, just me and her! I feel like running a mile now! Ive told DP though there is a travel lodge up the road and thats where she will end up if we have what we had before she went, she was very interferring!

Maybe you could work round your parents visits, when they go back to australia then have the IL's over they could possibly stay in their flat?? Just a suggestion x x

I am in the nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo camp.

After your baby is born you will be more tired, vulnerable and in need of your own space than ever in your life before.

Houseguests and tiny babies are imo a recipe for disaster.

Even the best of intentions go awry.

My MIL came to stay with us for a month when DS1 was four weeks old. It was lovely from the perspective that she cared for the baby. It was awful that she unintentionally made me feel as if I was doing a crap job. All I wanted to was to collapse into DH's arms at night when he got home from work and I couldn't.

It was really difficult and I certainly wouldn't do it again.

You definitely should get in touch with your MIL, especially if your DP has implied your parents will be around. How weird - why would he say that?

Anyway - houseguests are hard work. Your DP will (I assume) have gone back to work by the time LO is 4 weeks old. Are you happy about having them to yourself all day every day?

And how will you/they know when LO's going to be 4 weeks? Are they going to wait until you've had the baby and then book?

I think they should compromise - say one week staying with you, one week in a cheap hotel. I'm sorry if your DP feels that it's a massive imposition to ask his M&D to stay in a hotel but it's not him that's going to be dealing with them, it's you.

If they were at all sensitive, they wouldn't be pressurising you like this.

I have to echo what others have said - I really don't think it is a good idea. I really like my MIL but must admit we locked horns a few times when DDs were babies. I got the "I think you should change sides now - that one must be empty" type comments about feeding. Oh yes - and constant comments about "They need to be in a routine - she can't need fed again". She also explained to me a few times how she tried breast feeding all her babies but she didn't have enough milk [not f*ing surprised emoticon]. Don't want to remember any of the other comments now that I think of it or I will rekindle the ill feelings!

Your in laws may have a lot of experience of children but you won't necessarily agree with them.

Good luck with your decision

Even at four weeks I'd still say NOOOOO! Don't do it.

The first six weeks, in all honesty, are hell on legs (in fact, the first three months are hell on legs), and as much as I would have appreciated some help, having someone - anyone! - stay in my home that early on would have been a nightmare. And for a full two weeks ... please, don't even consider having them in your home 24 hours a day for two weeks.

Your hormones will be everywhere, you will be tired and emotional, you need time to bond as a family without having to look after relatives as well.

I know you say your dh won't contemplate a hotel, but for the sake of your sanity you have to make him consider this option. There are so many voices on this thread, and all saying the same thing ... we have been there, we know what it's like, we're telling you it is a really bad idea to have them in your home, and we can't all be wrong!

If they want an extended stay, then they must stay in some other accommodation. I had this when my son was born, the PIL wanted to stay over and I said no.

Not only is this a time for your family, as in your immediate family to bond, but you don't need other people around.

They always say that they will help, but they always end up causing you to make more effort.

With them there will you feel like you can stay in your pyjamas all day if you want to? Will you feel comfortable breastfeeding whenever and wherever necessary? Will you feel it is acceptable to eat beans on toast for dinner as it's the most sophisticated thing you can manage?

You will have to wait for the bathroom, there will be more mess, you will feel like you have to entertain them. In the first few weeks after the birth of your first child, you shouldn't have to share anything.

Sazzybee, I don't know why he said that about my parents. They will be around but, as I said, they won't be staying with us and besides they ahve nothing to do with me wanting his parents not to be staying with us right after I have given birth! I think he said it because he sensed his mother was getting upset about being asked to wait a while before coming over and plucked an excuse out of the air. (As I said, they seem to have difficulties being completely honest with each other).

My parents are retired and so go back and forth between London and Australia quite a bit. They are planning on staying around for quite a while after the baby is born (first grandchild! But also winter in Oz, summer in the UK!) so they will probably not head back until end of July, maybe even August. Besides, knowing my parents, they won't know when they are going back until the day before!

Good question about how will they know when the baby is 4 weeks old! I hadn't even thought of that! (Can you tell I am new to all this!). I was just working on the premise that the baby will come bang on the due date! duh!

Hotels...honey, sorry, if they can afford the flight IMO they can find a way to afford SOMEWHERE to stay. Could they rent out their house?

The YHA do family rooms often, that can be quite cheap?

one of the loveliest things about having a baby is how much people want to help you. Do you have a friend with a spare room locally? Is someone you know going away for a while? Could one of your workplaces, if any, rather than buying you a changing mat, help with accommodation costs for your Inlaws?

Don't let this spoil those precious first few months as you don't get that time again. With DD1 DH made me visit my MIL once a week which was truly awful. Her and DH's Grandma were like a couple of witches criticising all the time, even the amount of hours I stayed (I thought 2 hours was more than enough). I used to cry all the way home and this has never left my memory. Then when I said I couldn't go anymore MIL demanded to have DD1 for the day and still does now she is 3 1/2. Had no choice in the matter Hence, when DD2 was born I didn't start the visits. The in-laws see DD2 when DH is with me and she won't be having her for the day either. Not yet anyway.

I feel really strongly about interfering in-laws but the decision is ultimately down to you of course but your DH must back you up.

There isn't much time to organise it, but could they have a look at a few house-swap sites and see if there is anyone in your area looking to swap for an Australian house?

I had my dd last year, and my mum came to stay for the first 3 days. I found her an invaluable help as she did all the cooking for me, while dh did the cleaning, so I could sleep whenever I wanted (or was able).

Saying that, I would not have wanted her to have stayed for any longer. She came down the following weekend and did the same. The help was lovely, and I felt very upset when she went, but any longer would have been tooooo much. I needed the time alone with dh and dd. The constant stream of visitors was tiring enough without worrying about guests being there for a month. On top of that, no-one told me to expect to burst into tears at the drop of a hat in the first couple of weeks, and I wouldn't have wanted anyone around except dh when that happened

Do your best to talk to dh about how you are feeling, and maybe show him this thread so he can understand where you are coming from. Then the two of you can speak to the in-laws together and explain why them leaving it a few weeks/months is best for you.

Congratulations and all the best with your baby.

Sorry. I personally think 4 weeks old is OK for them to come provided they are staying out of your house. Prior to 4 weeks I'd support the webcab idea. Also make sure dh phones them early and often (I'm sure he would).

I wouldn't have them staying in the house with you before 6 months tbh, given the size of your house (very like ours I should think).

haven't read thread but i would say don't do it! the first coupld of weeks are a special time - esp with the first - for parents and baby to get to know each other. we put everyone on wrning that we may not want any visitors for the first week. as it was we were happy for people to pop in after a few days, but we wanted to give ourselves the option. and someone else staying in a small house - no way.

have you discussed (with dh) them staying at a nearby b&b?

This is my first too - so it's not like I have any experience aquasea. I think it's just because I'm further along than you and so I'm very aware of how the birth date is a moveable feast!

And I have an absolute horror of houseguests

How much would it cost for a self catering cottage nearby for 4 weeks?

I'm with lazy-when you have people round you are the one looking after them regardless of what anyone says. Especially if DH is at work. Have visons of 'oh, I'll hold the baby while you get some lunch'.

Oh oh, I started this thinking maybe some people would say it would be fine and that I was worrying over nothing! Seems like my instincts are right about this one. No, I wouldn't feel comfortable being in my PJs all day in front of them, nor with breast feeding whenever, wherever. I didn't even think about waiting for the bathroom. Oh dear, I really think this is going to be a nightmare. I mean, with your own parents you can scream at them if you lose it a bit and you know they will just deal with it but these aren't my parents. I just don't know what to do. How do I let my husband know they really can't stay with us without him thinking that I am being really unnecessarily difficult and trying to keep them away from our child? I am going to come out of this looking like the wicked witch...again!

Show him this thread.....(delete your comments if nec...)

what about a house swap?

(not you and them but would their house be of interest to british holidaymakers?)

i was thinking the same blackduck

Can you use the excuse of the fact that you only have two bedrooms and will need them both? You may wish to use the second bedroom for either of you to catch up on sleep some nights.

I would definitely look locally for self catering accomodation. You could sell it as "I would be so thrilled to have you around, but it would be too difficult to have everyone crammed in here."

Oooo - blackduck that's a good idea. How do I delete my posts though? (as I think some comments may upset him)

aqua-really feel for you but you must get it sorted now. Give the PIL time to adjust to the idea. When DD1 was born my in-laws turned up at 9-30pm the day we came home. With DD2 we enforced the no visitors the first day and then anyone wishing to visit had to phone first to ensure no-one else was visting and then only stay a short while. It is difficult to know how you will feel with this being your first but us with children have been there, done that and got the T-Shirt!

copy and paste to a word document?