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Original poster

Parents in law staying with us after the birth? - Advice please!

270 replies

aquasea · 02/02/2007 11:00

Hi everyone,

I was wondering if anyone could offer me some advice. I am currently pregnant with my first baby (due end of May). The problem I have is that my husband's parents live in Australia. They want to come over after the birth and stay with us. We will be in a tiny two bedroom cottage. I have said that they can come 4 weeks after the birth. I think they are a bit put out by that (and I don't think my husband is that happy either). I am just worried that having a tiny new baby (especially with it being the first), adjusting to being a mum, breastfeeding...all that stuff will be very stressful and that having the in-laws there will be the last thing I will need. Perhaps I am completely wrong though. Having never done any of this before I would really love some advice from those of you that have had babies!!

thanks,
Aqua xx

OP posts:
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dassie · 02/02/2007 14:20

don't delete the thread! I want to show my husband!

ejt1764 · 02/02/2007 14:22

Aqua - go for it - your relationship with dh will be different too, and you will need to focus on that ...

good luck - it's not going to be a pleasant conversation with dh, but I really hope he sees it how it is ...

ejt

p.s. humphrey - I'm more taffia than mafia, but otherwise the similarities are scary!

Dophus · 02/02/2007 14:23

As she says don't piss around, don't discuss this is the way it is. Don't make excuses.

It will probably only be your DH who objects, your MIL is probably thinking 'much to soon, love to see the baby but would rather stay in a hotel'!

Sexonslightlypuffylegs · 02/02/2007 14:23

No chance I would say. I know everyone has a different relationship with their inlaws, but I just think that you and your dh need space to be able to get used to the huge change that a baby brings - especially a first born.

Plus your hormones will probably be all over the place.

I couldn't bear my inlaws coming for the day even, as they made me so irrational and so possessive over my dd which is not like me at all.

Their intentions may be able to help, but I know that I ended up having to advise on things and it would have been quicker to do whatever it was myself.

A webcam is a great idea.

If they do have to come, then a hotel is a much better option. Even then, not sure if I would want anyone around at 4 weeks post birth.

I am due number 2 at the end of April, and I am already getting wound up about the in-laws wanting to put their two-penneth worth in. I can't even bear my mil asking me how I am feeling!!

Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy.

dassie · 02/02/2007 14:24

Ok - withdraw objection - have copied into word!

My husband thinks I am being irrational about the whole thing so its good to have this as backup!

funnypeculiar · 02/02/2007 14:24

aquasea - sounds good. And don't let him fob you off that 3 isn't true - even dh (who is generally very good) doesn't feel RESPONSIBLE for people in our house in the same way that I do - I have only once know a houseguest who genuinely made things easier rather than harder, and that's my sister. And I am totally relaxed around her. They WILL make your life harder not easier. But he may find that hard to believe/accept.
Good luck!

WigWamBam · 02/02/2007 14:24

I really think you should show him the thread - even if you edit it in Word or have some of your posts deleted first. Don't have it completely deleted; it may be useful to other people as well, and could be useful for you to come back to later if you feel your resolve weakening!

Let him see what people have said, let him understand how the first few weeks are going to be - he hasn't done this before, it will be a huge shock to his system too.

If he sees the responses on this thread, then at least you can show him that your decision is an informed one, not just a knee-jerk reaction to the thought of his parents coming to stay. Maybe if you show him our responses, he will find it easier to back you up in your decision - and you need him to back you up.

louii · 02/02/2007 14:24

Have not read whole thread but NO NO NO NO, for your own mental health do not do it!

Seriously having to share a bathroom is not good. After having baby when you need to go to the loo you REALLY need to go immediately.

No matter how nice your MIL is she will take over, you will feel undermined, your bonding etc with your new baby could be affected.

I would not let anyone stay with me for months after having my DS. I needed to know that i could whip my boobs out whenever and wherever, I could go to bed when i wanted. I only had to look after myself and baby and my partner only had me and the baby to look after.

Def get them to stay elsewhere, it will be the worst thing you ever do if they stay with you.

Lou

choosyfloosy · 02/02/2007 14:25

Go, AquaTiger!

Do you know that bit in Rebecca where the woman faces down Mrs Danvers and says 'I am Mrs De Winter now.'?

That's you that is!

hotandbothered · 02/02/2007 14:26

Poor you. I do agree with all the other posts BUT it's the hardest thing in the world to do...
I had my parents with me for what seemed like years when dd was born. It was a nightmare! And my MIL arrived for 5 days and my sister and BIL and nephew... Don't know how we coped or how we're all speaking to each other. I seemed to cry constantly, argued with my mum and ignored my MIL pretty well. I was completely self and baby absorbed and felt guilty all the time. Looking back I now realise that it was ridiculous and they shouldn't have been there!
If you can get across that you want to be really private and spend all those precious few weeks just getting to know baby and what it feels like to have extended your family and that they will be very welcome ASAP once you feel up to facing the world properly, maybe you might remain sane. What a shame to have encountered this so soon into married life...

cupcake78 · 02/02/2007 14:27

I don't know if you are very laid back, brave or overly polite. My IL's only live 10 miles away and I can guarentee they will be visiting daily once little one comes.
OH GOD

This would be my idea of absolute hell!!!
It is nice that they are coming over to meet their new family member but where are you going to fit everyone!!

I think they may need a slight reminder that houses in Britain are much smaller than Australia and for their own comfort they really should reconsider. If that doesn't work then you may need to be honest. A week is alot different to 4.

I really hope you manage to sort it out.

themoon66 · 02/02/2007 14:28

I remember my ILs coming when DD was about 10 days old. They stayed in a hotel, but were round my house all day. They had the audacity to banish me to the bedroom so they weren't embarrassed at seeing me trying to breast feed!

choosyfloosy · 02/02/2007 14:28

NB Mumsnet Towers prefer to delete whole threads rather than individual posts, as it makes the threads incomprehensible (although you could certainly try, aqua - click on the red exclamation mark at the right, if there's only one post you want to delete, for example). Everyone's situation is slightly different and therefore no harm in losing threads here and there. Similar threads have happened, although never exactly the same stuff.

skibump · 02/02/2007 14:29

Haven't read the whole thread, but just to add, don't do it, and feel good about yourself for doing the best for your baby. I banned everyone from the house for the first 2 weeks and then didn't allow anyone to stay over for another few weeks. It seems hard, but it was definitely the best thing for us

jmjm · 02/02/2007 14:32

Exactly! breastfeeding can be tricky to get going first time around and you basically have to sit with your boobs out trying to manhandle them into your babies mouth every couple of hours for the first week or so - you need to be able to do this wherever you feel most comfortable eg in front of the tv in the lounge - I've known my in-laws for over 10 years and am a bit of a militant brest-feeder but I still don't think I would be entirely relaxed doing this. Plus if they get sore you may need to walk around topless for a while - do you want to be stuck in your bedroom all day. I think your dh would understand these posts - noone is making any criticism of your in-laws just saying this is a once-in -a lifetime, unique occasion whene it is not right to have them or anyone staying - you can't fully understand that until you've been there. Good Luck

saltire · 02/02/2007 14:33

Hi aqua, congrats on the baby.
I am going to add my twopenceworth as well.
When DS1 was born he was 2 weeks overdue. My mum had came up the day after he was due,so by the time i got u the hospital on the Friday she had to leave. On the saturday MIL and ste PIL arrived. On the Sunday Dh went off to some bloody RAF/Tri service rugby thing at Cosford, quoting "this is the most important thing that will ever happen to me". Leaving me with MIL. Although i ahd a relatively straighforward birth, i'd had a big tear, so lots of stictches, couldn't BF etc etc. Anyway, back to MIL. DS woke every hour through the night for a bottle. Every morning she complained about how tired she was! When the midwife came she insited on sitting in teh room answering her questions, saying "oh yes he wa sawake all night" etc. I heard her on the phone to DH's granny saying "oh yes saltire has lots of stitches, she will never be the same again. yes she did put lots of weight on, not much sign of her losing it yet".
Then, on day three, i was by this point almost dehydrated with crying, tired with no sleep etc, and she told me to go to bed for alie down, as DS was asleep in his pram. Anyway i woke up to find out that they had taken him for a walk - i hadn't even taken himout in his pram, i was so gutted, the one thing i had so wanted to do with Dh when he got back was take DS for his first walk. When she got back from that she disappeared into town for 6 hours, and came back with a hideous satin pram cover. She then threw in the bin the beautiful crocheted shawl my aunt had made " because it's hardly going to keep him warm is it". Every time Ds cried she ran to pick him up, she grabbed bottles to feed him before i got the chance. She insisted on taking photos of him in the bath, even though i didn't want any taken. Lots of little things, which if i had been in a better frame of mind, probably wouldn't have bothered me, but then, it was the end of the world.
I still, almost 9 years on, feel so resentful about the whole thing. Oh, and when DS2 was born she said " I thought you would at least have had a girl"

TheBlonde · 02/02/2007 14:35

Just to add another: NOOO don't do it

My MIL came for 3 weeks when DS was 4 weeks old
She did go away for a few days and we all went away for Easter but it was still awful
Amongst many minor irritations she trashed my kitchen and told my mom I should give up on breastfeeding as it wasn't working

choosyfloosy · 02/02/2007 14:40

Ooh another good one saltire! There you go aqua - tell dh that your MIL will need to chunter to your PIL/her friends about dreadful modern trends such as keeping the baby too cool (you wait - my mum, my aunt and I were like the Keystone Cops rushing about constantly removing/adding blankets to ds, feeling his hands etc), and she'll need to do it in private or you will kill her.

MorocconOil · 02/02/2007 14:49

I agree with everything said. After the birth of our first baby, my in-laws visited just as my milk started to come in. It was absolute agony and I still have a vivid memory of being summonsed down stairs to eat fish and chips with them while it felt as though my back was being sliced open. I was expected to be sociable. I just had to put on a brave face and was desperate for them to leave so that I could be in pain in peace!

saltire · 02/02/2007 14:49

I just want to add, that i took the lovely shawl out of the bin - luckily it was the bin in the living room so nothing yucky in it. I then took her satin dooda, which still had the price tag on £45, and chucked it in the wheely bin.
She told DH when he finally got back "saltire's been very upset and moody, i don't know what's wrong with her"

Blandmum · 02/02/2007 14:50

Unless you are 1000% sure that they will be your willing slaves, will do all the shopping, cooking and cleaning, and will bugger off out when it is obvious that you want/need a rest DON'T LET THEM STAY!

They should stay in a near by B and B

compo · 02/02/2007 14:52

My inlaws booked into a hotel for a week on my due date without consulting us. I thought it was really rudebut dh wouldn't have a go at them like I wanted him to. Dd arrived 3 days early - I wanted her to be 2 weeks late so they'd miss the whole thing

sazzybee · 02/02/2007 14:53

I have to say saltire that your story sends shivers down my spine. How absolutely awful for you.

I can't believe some people are so insensitive - particularly to people they're supposed to care about. Shocking.

Sexonslightlypuffylegs · 02/02/2007 14:55

Dear me, I know I shouldn't laugh as it is a serious issue, but my God, some of the situations we find oursleves in with ruddy in-laws, and useless dh's not standing up to them. They are on a different planet. Saltire, lol at some of your comments.

marymillington · 02/02/2007 15:04

Debrett's Guide To Modern Manners says that visits to new parents should last no longer than 20 minutes and guests should bring their own cake.

Bit tricky if you are travelling from Australia, I grant you but I agree entirely with the sentiment.

If they come a little later - maybe 8 weeks - they will be able to be a lot more helpful, you will be back on your feet however you deliver, if you're bf that will be better established and you can happily send them to the park with the baby in the warm sunshine whilst you catch up on sleep/housework/whatever.